The Complete Mapp & Lucia

  The Queen and Drake were left alone in the garden-room.

  ‘Well, I never!’ said Georgie. ‘Did you? She sent them back all by herself.’

  ‘I’m not the least surprised,’ said Lucia. ‘It’s like her.’

  ‘But why did you let her off?’ he asked. ‘You ought to have exposed her and have done with her.’

  Lucia showed a momentary exultation, and executed a few steps from a Morris-dance.

  ‘No, Georgie, that would have been a mistake,’ she said. ‘She knows that we know, and I can’t wish her worse than that. And I rather think, though he makes me giddy with so much bowing, that Mr Wyse has guessed. He certainly suspects something of the sort.’

  ‘Yes, he said there had been some hanky-panky,’ said Georgie. ‘That was a strong thing for him to say. All the same—’

  Lucia shook her head.

  ‘No, I’m right,’ she said. ‘Don’t you see I’ve taken the moral stuffing out of that woman far more completely than if I had exposed her?’

  ‘But she’s a cheat,’ cried Georgie. ‘She’s a liar, for she sent back our pictures with a formal notice that the committee had rejected them. She hasn’t got any moral stuffing to take out.’

  Lucia pondered this.

  ‘That’s true, there doesn’t seem to be much,’ she said. ‘But even then, think of the moral stuffing that I’ve put into myself. A far greater score, Georgie, than to have exposed her, and it must be quite agonizing for her to have that hanging over her head. Besides, she can’t help being deeply grateful to me if there are any depths in that poor shallow nature. There may be: we must try to discover them. Take a broader view of it all, Georgie… Oh, and I’ve thought of something fresh! Send round to Mr Wyse for the exhibition your picture of the Landgate, which poor Elizabeth sold. He will certainly hang it and she will see it there. That will round everything off nicely.’

  Lucia moved across to the piano and sat down on the treble music-stool.

  ‘Let us forget all about these piccoli disturbi, Georgie,’ she said, ‘and have some music to put us in tune with beauty again. No, you needn’t shut the door: it is so hot, and I am sure that no one else will dream of passing that notice of “Private”, or come in here unasked. Ickle bit of divine Mozartino?’

  Lucia found the duet at which she had worked quietly at odd moments.

  ‘Let us try this,’ she said, ‘though it looks rather diffy. Oh, one thing more, Georgie. I think you and I had better keep those formal notices of rejection from the hanging committee just in case. We might need them some day, though I’m sure I hope we shan’t. But one must be careful in dealing with that sort of woman. That’s all I think. Now let us breathe harmony and loveliness again. Uno, due… pom.’

  CHAPTER 6

  It was a mellow morning of October, the season, as Lucia reflected, of mists and mellow fruitfulness, wonderful John Keats. There was no doubt about the mists, for there had been several sea-fogs in the English Channel, and the mellow fruitfulness of the garden at Mallards was equally indisputable. But now the fruitfulness of that sunny plot concerned Lucia far more than it had done during August and September, for she had taken Mallards for another month (Adele Brixton having taken the Hurst, Riseholme, for three), not on those original Shylock terms of fifteen guineas a week, and no garden-produce—but of twelve guineas a week, and all the garden-produce. It was a wonderful year for tomatoes: there were far more than a single widow could possibly eat, and Lucia, instead of selling them, constantly sent little presents of them to Georgie and Major Benjy. She had sent one basket of them to Miss Mapp, but these had been returned and Miss Mapp had written an effusive note saying that they would be wasted on her. Lucia had applauded that; it showed a very proper spirit.

  The chain of consequences, therefore, of Lucia’s remaining at Mallards was far-reaching. Miss Mapp took Wasters for another month at a slightly lower rent, Diva extended her lease of Taormina, and Irene still occupied the four-roomed labourer’s cottage outside Tilling, which suited her so well, and the labourer and his family remained in the hop-picker’s shanty. It was getting chilly of nights in the shanty, and he looked forward to the time when, Adele having left the Hurst, his cottage could be restored to him. Nor did the chain of consequences end here, for Georgie could not go back to Riseholme without Foljambe, and Foljambe would not go back there and leave her Cadman, while Lucia remained at Mallards. So Isabel Poppit continued to inhabit her bungalow by the sea, and Georgie remained in Mallards Cottage. With her skin turned black with all those sun-baths, and her hair spiky and wiry with so many sea-baths, Isabel resembled a cross between a kipper and a sea-urchin.

  September had been full of events. The Art Exhibition had been a great success, and quantities of the pictures had been sold. Lucia had bought Georgie’s picture, of Mallards, Georgie had bought Lucia’s picture of Mallards Cottage, Mr Wyse had bought his wife’s pastel of the King of Italy, and sent it as a birthday present to Amelia, and Susan Wyse had bought her husband’s teacup and wallflower and kept them herself. But the greatest gesture of all had been Lucia’s purchase of one of Miss Mapp’s six exhibits, and this had practically forced Miss Mapp, so powerful was the suggestion hidden in it, to buy Georgie’s picture of the Landgate, which he had given her, and which she had sold (not even for her own benefit but for that of the hospital) for sixpence at her jumble-sale. She had had to pay a guinea to regain what had once been hers, so that in the end the revengeful impulse which had prompted her to put it in the sixpenny tray had been cruelly expensive. But she had still felt herself to be under Lucia’s thumb in the whole matter of the exhibition (as indeed she was) and this purchase was of the nature of a propitiatory act. They had met one morning at the show, and Lucia had looked long at this sketch of Georgie’s and then, looking long at Elizabeth, she had said it was one of the most charming and exquisite of his water-colours. Inwardly raging, yet somehow impotent to resist, Elizabeth had forked up. But she was now busily persuading herself that this purchase had something to do with the hospital, and that she need not make any further contributions to its funds this year: she felt there was a very good chance of persuading herself about this. No one had bought quaint Irene’s pictures, and she had turned the women wrestlers into men.

  Since then Miss Mapp had been very busy with the conversion of the marvellous crop of apples, plums and red-currants in Diva’s garden into jam and jelly. Her cook could not tackle so big a job alone, and she herself spent hours a day in the kitchen, and the most delicious odours of boiling preserves were wafted out of the windows into the High Street. It could not be supposed that they would escape Diva’s sharp nose, and there had been words about it. But garden-produce (Miss Mapp believed) meant what it said, or would dear Diva prefer that she let the crop rot on the trees, and be a portion for wasps. Diva acknowledged that she would. And when the fruit was finished Miss Mapp proposed to turn her attention to the vegetable marrows, which, with a little ginger, made a very useful preserve for the household. She would leave a dozen of these pots for Diva.

  But the jam-making was over now and Miss Mapp was glad of that, for she had scalded her thumb: quite a blister. She was even gladder that the Art Exhibition was over. All the important works of the Tilling school (except the pastel of the King of Italy) remained in Tilling, she had made her propitiatory sacrifice about Georgie’s sketch of the Landgate, and she had no reason to suppose that Lucia had ever repented of that moment of superb magnanimity in the garden-room, which had averted an exposure of which she still occasionally trembled to think. Lucia could not go back on that now, it was all over and done with like the jam-making (though, like the jam-making, it had left a certain seared and sensitive place behind) and having held her tongue then, Lucia could not blab afterwards. Like the banns in church, she must for ever hold her peace. Miss Mapp had been deeply grateful for that clemency at the time, but no one could go on being grateful indefinitely. You were grateful until you had paid your debt of gratitude, and then you were
free. She would certainly be grateful again, when this month was over and Lucia and Georgie left Tilling, never, she hoped, to return, but for the last week or two she had felt that she had discharged in full every groat of gratitude she owed Lucia, and her mind had been busier than usual over plots and plans and libels and inductions with regard to her tenant who, with those cheese-paring ways so justly abhorred by Miss Mapp, had knocked down the rent to twelve guineas a week and grabbed the tomatoes.

  But Miss Mapp did not yet despair of dealing Lucia some nasty blow, for the fact of the matter was (she felt sure of it) that Tilling generally was growing a little restive under Lucia’s autocratic ways. She had been taking them in hand, she had been patronizing them, which Tilling never could stand, she had been giving them treats, just like that! She had sent out cards for an evening party (not dinner at all) with ‘un po’ di musica’ written in the left-hand corner. Even Mr Wyse, that notorious sycophant, had raised his eyebrows over this, and had allowed that this was rather an unusual inscription: ‘musica’ (he thought) would have been more ordinary, and he would ask Amelia when she came. That had confirmed a secret suspicion which Miss Mapp had long entertained that Lucia’s Italian (and, of course, Georgie’s too) was really confined to such words as ‘ecco’ and ‘bon giorno’ and ‘bello’ and she was earnestly hoping that Amelia would come before October was over, and they would all see what these great talks in Italian, to which Mr Wyse was so looking forward, would amount to.

  And what an evening that ‘po-di-mu’ (as it was already referred to with faint little smiles) had been! It was a wet night and in obedience to her command (for at that time Lucia was at the height of the ascendancy she had acquired at the hospital fête), they had all put mackintoshes over their evening clothes, and galoshes over their evening shoes, and slopped up to Mallards through the pouring rain. A couple of journeys of Lucia’s car could have brought them all in comfort and dryness, but she had not offered so obvious a convenience. Mrs Wyse’s Royce was being overhauled, so they had to walk too, and a bedraggled and discontented company had assembled. They had gone into the garden-room dripped on by the wistaria, and an interminable po-di-mu ensued. Lucia turned off all the lights in the room except one on the piano, so that they saw her profile against a black background, like the head on a postage stamp, and first she played the slow movement out of the ‘Moonlight’ Sonata. She stopped once, just after she had begun, because Diva coughed, and when she had finished there was a long silence. Lucia sighed and Georgie sighed, and everyone said ‘Thank you’ simultaneously. Major Benjy said he was devoted to Chopin and Lucia playfully told him that she would take his musical education in hand.

  Then she had allowed the lights to be turned up again, and there was a few minutes’ pause to enable them to conquer the poignancy of emotion aroused by that exquisite rendering of the ‘Moonlight’ Sonata, to disinfect it so to speak with cigarettes, or drown it, as Major Benjy did, in rapid whiskies and sodas, and when they felt braver the po-di-mu began again, with a duet, between her and Georgie, of innumerable movements by Mozart, who must indeed have been a most prolific composer if he wrote all that. Diva fell quietly asleep, and presently there were indications that she would soon be noisily asleep. Miss Mapp hoped that she would begin to snore properly, for that would be a good set-down for Lucia, but Major Benjy poked her stealthily on the knee to rouse her. Mr Wyse began to stifle yawns, though he sat as upright as ever, with his eyes fixed rather glassily on the ceiling, and ejaculated ‘Charming’ at the end of every movement. When it was all over there were some faintly murmured requests that Lucia would play to them again, and without any further pressing, she sat down. Her obtuseness was really astounding.

  ‘How you all work me!’ she said. ‘A fugue by Bach then, if you insist on it, and if Georgie will promise not to scold me if I break down.’

  Luckily amid suppressed sighs of relief, she did break down, and though she was still perfectly willing to try again, there was a general chorus of unwillingness to take advantage of her great good nature, and after a wretched supper, consisting largely of tomato-salad, they trooped out into the rain, cheered by the promise of another musical evening next week when she would have that beautiful fugue by heart.

  It was not the next week but the same week that they had all been bidden to a further evening of harmony, and symptoms of revolt, skilfully fomented by Miss Mapp, were observable. She had just received her note of invitation one morning, when Diva trundled in to Wasters.

  ‘Another po-di-mu already,’ said she sarcastically. ‘What are you—’

  ‘Isn’t it unfortunate?’ interrupted Elizabeth, ‘for I hope, dear Diva, you have not forgotten that you promised to come in that very night—Thursday, isn’t it—and play piquet with me.’

  Diva returned Elizabeth’s elaborate wink. ‘So I did,’ she said. ‘Anyhow, I do.’

  ‘Consequently we shall have to refuse dear Lucia’s invitation,’ said Elizabeth regretfully. ‘Lovely, wasn’t it, the other night? And so many movements of Mozart. I began to think he must have discovered the secret of perpetual motion, and that we should be stuck there till Doomsday.’

  Diva was fidgeting about the room in her restless manner. (‘Rather like a spinning top,’ thought Miss Mapp, ‘bumping into everything. I wish it would die.’) ‘I don’t think she plays bridge very well,’ said Diva. ‘She began, you know, by saying she was so anxious to learn, and that we all played marvellously, but now she lays down the law like anything, telling us what we ought to have declared, and how we ought to have played. It’s quite like—’

  She was going to say ‘It’s quite like playing with you,’ but luckily stopped in time.

  ‘I haven’t had the privilege of playing with her. Evidently I’m not up to her form,’ said Elizabeth, ‘but I hear, only report, mind, that she doesn’t know the elements of the game.’

  ‘Well, not much more,’ said Diva. ‘And she says she will start a bridge class if we like.’

  ‘She spoils us! And who will the pupils be?’ asked Elizabeth.

  ‘I know one who won’t,’ said Diva darkly.

  ‘And one and one make two,’ observed Elizabeth. ‘A pity that she sets herself up like that. Saying the other night that she would take Major Benjy’s musical education in hand! I always thought education began at home, and I’m sure I never heard so many wrong notes in my life.’

  Diva ruminated a moment, and began spinning again. ‘She offered to take the choir-practices in church, only the Padre wouldn’t hear of it,’ she said. ‘And there’s talk of a class to read Homer in Pope’s translation.’

  ‘She has every accomplishment,’ said Elizabeth, ‘including push.’

  Diva bumped into another topic.

  ‘I met Mr Wyse just now,’ she said. ‘Countess Amelia Faraglione is coming tomorrow.’

  Miss Mapp sprang up.

  ‘Not really?’ she cried. ‘Why, she’ll be here for Lucia’s po-di-mu on Thursday. And the Wyses will be going, that’s certain, and they are sure to ask if they may bring the Faradidleone with them. Diva, dear, we must have our piquet another night. I wouldn’t miss that for anything.’

  ‘Why?’ asked Diva.

  ‘Just think what will happen! She’ll be forced to talk Italian, for Mr Wyse has often said what a treat it will be to hear them talk it together, and I’m sure Lucia doesn’t know any. I must be there.’

  ‘But if she does know it, it will be rather a sell,’ said Diva. ‘We shall have gone there for nothing except to hear all that Mozart over again and to eat tomatoes. I had heart-burn half the night afterwards.’

  ‘Trust me, Diva,’ said Elizabeth. ‘I swear she doesn’t know any Italian. And how on earth will she be able to wriggle out of talking it? With all her ingeniousness, it can’t be done. She can’t help being exposed.’

  ‘Well, that would be rather amusing,’ said Diva. ‘Being put down a peg or two certainly wouldn’t hurt her. All right. I’ll say I’ll come.’

  M
iss Mapp’s policy was now of course the exact reverse of what she had first planned. Instead of scheming to get all Tilling to refuse Lucia’s invitation to listen to another po-di-mu, her object was to encourage everyone to go, in order that they might listen not so much to Mozart as to her rich silences or faltering replies when challenged to converse in the Italian language. She found that the Padre and Mrs Bartlett had hurriedly arranged a choir-practice and a meeting of the girl-guides respectively to take place at the unusual hour of half-past nine in the evening in order to be able to decline the po-di-mu, but Elizabeth, throwing economy to the winds, asked them both to dine with her on the fatal night, and come on to Lucia’s delicious music afterwards. This added inducement prevailed, and off they scurried to tell choir-boys and girl-guides that the meetings were cancelled and would be held at the usual hour the day after. The curate needed no persuasion, for he thought that Lucia had a wonderful touch on the piano, and was already looking forward to more; Irene similarly had developed a violent schwärm for Lucia and had accepted, so that Tilling, thanks to Elizabeth’s friendly offices, would now muster in force to hear Lucia play duets and fugues and not speak Italian. And when, in casual conversation with Mr Wyse, Elizabeth learned that he had (as she had anticipated) ventured to ask Lucia if she would excuse the presumption of one of her greatest admirers, and allow him to bring his sister Amelia to her soirée and that Lucia had sent him her most cordial permission to do so, it seemed that nothing could stand in the way of the fulfilment of Elizabeth’s romantic revenge on that upstart visitor for presuming to set herself up as Queen of the social life of Tilling.