All That I Am (Men of Monroe Book 1)

  "They threatened me," she cried and looked around to everyone. "What would you have done?"

  "Bitch, none of us would have cheated in the first place, and we sure as shit wouldn't have filmed it."

  "Did you just call me a bitch?" my mother gasped, her eyes bugging out at Austin.

  He smirked. "I call it how I see it, and you are a bitch."

  "Are you going to allow your friends to call me a bitch?" She shot me a look, and it was then that I realized what I had to do.

  "You didn't even ask if your kids were okay?" Di whispered, as a look of disappointment only a mother could feel swamped her face. "You still haven't asked."

  "Are you okay?” my mother finally asked, and there was absolutely no concern in her tone or on her face.

  "You know what? I'm perfect because I know this will be the last time you see me." My voice was strong while inside I felt fragile. "Every single person here loves me, and they make me feel so loved. Do you know how long it took for me to accept that? How long it took me to believe that I deserved that, that I was worth this kind of love?”

  My eyes shot to Ben, and his worried expression softened when I gave him a smile reserved only for him.

  “From the moment Ben met me, he would always say ‘worth it.’ I had no idea what he meant, but he was telling me that I was worth it. Every time I tried to push him away, he'd hold on tighter. He fought for my love because he knew I was worth it. He makes me feel like I am worth everything. He could have left so many times, but he stayed because he saw something in me that he wanted. I lived for thirteen years thinking I wasn't worth anything because the one person who was never meant to leave and should have always had been there left. Did you ever think about how that would have felt? I was fifteen years old!" I sucked in an unsteady breath and quickly wiped away the tear sliding down my cheek. "I will not cry for you. I will not wish that things could have been different. Because today, I begin a new life with a family who are amazing in every way possible, old and new friends who are beyond special to me, and a man who makes me feel like I'm the most treasured person in the world. Ben gave me this. He didn't have to, he could have left so many times when I tried to push him away, but it just made him hold onto me tighter.”

  She took a step toward me but was stopped by Austin stepping between us. “They threatened me. I have a husband and family to think of,” she cried out, and that was the final nail in her coffin. She had a new family. As soon as she said it, she realized her mistake.

  "You're a fucking piece of work,” Crazy John unleashed, and I stepped back into Ben. “I watched these two kids break when you left. Sasha lost her spark and Drew lost his softness. You did that. That is on you, and I hope you go to your grave knowing that. So don’t stand here making up bullshit excuses. Know one thing. These two kids are mine. I don't give a fuck that they are adults, and have lives of their own. Fuck, they’ve been mine since we lost Dean. When they have babies, I’ll be their baby’s granddaddy. When Drew finds his woman, and she gives him soft again, I'll be the one to welcome her into the family.” Crazy John turned his attention to me, and the fury in his voice disappeared when he asked softly, "You okay with me being your babies granddaddy?"

  All I could do was nod.

  Then he turned to Drew. "You meet your woman, and she gives you soft, I’m gonna want to meet her. You okay with that?"

  “Be proud to introduce you to a woman, Crazy,” Drew’s thick voice declared.

  “Now, we are done with your bullshit, so disappear again, and don’t fucking come back this time. You are dead to all of us,” Crazy John spat with fire in his voice. He didn’t wait for an answer, he stormed out of the living room and threw open the sliding door that led to the back deck, and disappeared out into the darkness.

  "Drew?” my mother said softly, clutching at straws, for anyone to give her attention. I almost laughed that she'd thought Drew would be that person.

  His voice came out as a growl that rattled my bones. "You're dead to me."

  It was as final as that.

  I stood in front of the mirror and stared at my reflection. I was a mess. Gently, I touched my swollen, bruised cheek and winced; then I zoned in on the stitches near my hairline. There was still evidence of my blood there. Even though I was a mess, I knew how lucky I was. Things could have ended up so much worse, and there was the very grave possibility that I may not have been standing here, and may not have spent the day in Ben's arms as he promised. My thoughts drifted to Jacqueline and what she had to endure at the hands of Edward's men. I didn't know if I would have been able to survive what she went through, but thankfully because of my rescuer, I didn't have to.

  I sucked in a deep breath, and when I released it, I smiled at my reflection. I'd survived. Again. But this time it wouldn't just be me and Drew against the world. It wouldn't just be the Hamilton kids taking it all on. As Ben once said to me, I had a tribe now, and with a tribe, I could do and face anything.

  You couldn't get much luckier than that.

  46

  BEN

  I barely slept. Even with Sasha curled up and safe against me, nothing settled the torment raging in my head. I could have lost her. It was as simple as that. Seeing her with a gun aimed at her and bleeding kept replaying in my head. I’d seen some fucked up shit on the job, but that was the worst experience of my life.

  After everyone had left yesterday, we had a visit from the Captain and Sasha gave her account of what happened at Hamilton’s. Then I’d spent the day exactly how I told her we would; with her in my arms. We watched movies, dozed on the couch, showered together, and we were in bed before sundown, and she fell asleep within minutes of going to bed.

  I spent the night staring at her, and listening to her breathe.

  “Happy Birthday, Detective.”

  At the sound of Sasha's breathy greeting, I tilted my face down, and in the early morning light blanketing my bedroom; I met her sleepy gaze. In the craziness of the past week, I’d completely forgotten that my birthday was coming up. But it would seem someone hadn’t forgotten. She shifted up my body, her naked chest gliding over mine, and she kissed me good morning.

  Our kiss began soft, with gentle tongue, tender nibbles, and soft caresses. My eager hands roamed and memorized her smooth skin and luscious curves. I pulled her tight against me until her softness meshed perfectly with my hardness. Her breathy moans floated through the air as I ground my cock against her naked pussy. She might not know it, but every time she sighed against my lips, she breathed life back into my lungs.

  “I need to give you your birthday present,” she hummed, pulling away slightly and resting her lips just above mine.

  “Does my birthday present involve you riding my cock?” I growled, grinding against her so she could feel exactly how ready I was for her.

  She stared down at me with lust filled eyes. “That’s part two. Now, let me get up.”

  With a groan, I loosened my arms, and she slid off me. I sat up, leaned against the headboard, and admired her as she moved to the chair in the corner of the room. She was so fucking beautiful. Naked and safe, and rummaging through her bag for my birthday present. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but I was claiming the luckiest man in the world title, and I'd be willing to fight for it. After pulling something out from deep inside, she glanced over her shoulder and shot me tender eyes.

  "Close your eyes,” she demanded quietly. “And no peeking."

  I grinned at her, then obeyed and shut my eyes.

  I heard her take a deep breath and then listened as she moved tentatively toward the bed and hesitated briefly. Her nervousness filled the room, and even though I had no idea what to expect, I loved the thought of her surprising me with something that obviously meant something to her.

  The bed dipped beside my hip, the scent of her shampoo roamed around me, and I waited to see what she'd do next. She probably had no idea what she was doing, but she was delivering the best kind of torture, and she was in full
control. Something she didn’t usually have in the bedroom. She straddled my waist, and I hissed as her thighs barely touched my cock, and waited as she got comfortable. My hands, like magnets, shot to her bare hips because I couldn’t stop myself from touching her. Softly, and with tentative fingers, she placed something small on my stomach.

  "You can open your eyes," she spoke soft, almost nervously. "I hope you like it."

  My eyes shot open, and on my stomach I found a small rectangle box, wrapped in blue paper and with a silver bow tied around it. I had no expectations or any idea of what it could be. Removing my hands from her hips, I lifted the box and gently pulled on the ribbon. The sound of her taking a deep, unsteady breath caused me to look at her, and I found her staring back at me with a nervous smile.

  “You’ve changed me, Ben," she whispered, and now it was me that sucked in a desperate breath. "You’ve given me so much, and every day I have you in my life, you give me a little more. I’ve always been a sucker for romance books and movies and hearing other people’s stories, but I never wanted that. I was terrified of that. But then I met you. With you, I’m living the most beautiful kind of romance. You’re bossy, ridiculously stubborn, and you have caveman tendencies, but you’re mine.”

  She was killing me. But she wasn’t done. I braced for more.

  “You’re the only man I want to have my key. The key to my heart, my thoughts, my future, my everything. All that I am, every part of who I was, who I am today, and who I'll become is yours. I am so in love with you, Ben, and I know I have been for a while; I was just so scared to admit it. But I’m not now. I want you and everyone to know.”

  I wrapped my hand around the back of her neck and pulled her down to my mouth. I devoured her lips like I was a famished man. My tongue swept over hers, and she didn’t hesitate in letting me in. The kiss felt like our first, tenth, hundredth and thousandth kiss rolled into one. A kiss of promise, of confirmation and, most importantly love. Hearing her tell me she loved me was incredible, but knowing she gave me the keys was life changing. All I wanted to do was heal her hurt, and this was the invitation to keep doing what I was doing. Her content sighs licked the air and offered the confirmation I needed.

  I got the girl.

  “Fuck, sweetheart. I've been waiting a long time to hear you say that to me,” I murmured against her lips. “Love you too, sweetheart.”

  “You’re the first man to say that to me,” she admitted in a whisper. “Can you say it again?”

  I grinned up at her. “I love you.”

  “Yeah, I like that a lot.” She leaned in and brushed her lips over mine quickly, before sitting back up and stealing her mouth from me. “You need to finish opening your present.”

  I picked up the box that had fallen off my stomach and landed on the bed beside me, then continued to untie the bow and unwrap the present. Glancing up at Sasha, I saw her bite her lip, and her eyes sparkled at me. I lifted the lid, and my chest tightened at what I found. Resting on the crisp white tissue paper was a silver key and chain. I pulled it from the box and dangled it in front of me. The chain was long, and the key polished. It looked like a restored antique house key. In the morning light, I read the inscription.

  I AM YOURS, AND YOU ARE MINE. ALWAYS.

  “Do you like it?” Sasha whispered, hope echoing through her words.

  Emotion jammed in my throat as I looked up at the woman who would be mine forever.

  “I’ve always wanted to be a cop. I finished high school, did my training, moved through the ranks, and finally became detective. That was my dream. My dream changed the day you put your hands on me at Missy’s, and now you've cemented it.”

  I changed our position, twisting our bodies so she was under me. Her arms wove around me, and her hands rested on my back.

  “You’re my dream now, Sasha. You giving me your key is life changing. So yeah Sash, I like it, and I love you so fucking much.”

  Her face softened, and she lifted her mouth to mine. Before our lips collided, I had one more thing to say. “Best birthday ever, sweetheart.”

  Her giggle rang out through the bedroom before I stole it with a kiss.

  I finally had all of my woman.

  We spent the morning in bed before showering and celebrating my birthday again on the bathroom floor. After her stomach growled, she’d pulled me to the kitchen and then made me chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Our peace was shattered an hour after our late breakfast by the arrival of my family. Half an hour after they’d arrived, Austin, Crazy John, Missy, and Carson turned up. And Gigi turned up five minutes later carrying a cake.

  Happy Birthday was sung, cake was eaten, the girls fussed over Sasha, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

  “How's she doing?” Austin asked, stepping up beside me and handing me a fresh beer.

  Sasha was on the couch between Dad and Crazy John, the three of them talking quietly and both watching her with expressions of both admiration and concern. It was no secret that she’d gone through hell, not just over the past week, but over the past thirteen years. She'd repeatedly got knocked down, but she always found the beauty in life to get back up. Her past would have destroyed many. But the strength she possessed was immeasurable. She was determined and stubborn as hell. Fierce yet gentle. And that was why she was going to be okay.

  “She’s okay,” I answered truthfully.

  As if she knew she was the topic of conversation, she looked over at us, and when she saw us both looking, she gave a little wave before turning to Crazy John and laughing at something he'd just said.

  “We’ve gotta tell her what’s going on. I dropped in and told Drew on my way here. He showed nothing. No emotion, no reaction, no nothing. We are going to keep an eye on him, make sure he handles the shit that’s been piled on him,” Austin sighed, running his hand through his hair as frustration rolled off him.

  After leaving my place the night before, Austin had gone to the station and had the fucked up job of spending the night talking to both Holly O’Leary and Abigail Hamilton. When he arrived, he’d waited until Sasha was locked in an animated conversation with Missy, which resulted in Missy blushing and Sasha holding up three fingers, and then he’d told me about the conversations. Fucked was the only word I could use to describe what I was told.

  “Sash, can you come here for a minute?” All eyes in the living room focused on Austin and me, then Sasha stood from the couch and slowly walked toward us.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Sash, Austin has some things to talk to you about in regards to Holly O’Leary and your mother.”

  “Can we please start referring to her as Abigail Hamilton?” Sasha requested firmly.

  Austin shot me a look, took a deep breath and then unloaded. I focused on Sasha.

  “Okay, I’m just going to say it, and we can talk about it once I’m done. But brace, babe because some of this shit isn’t good.” He waited until she acknowledged with a nod of agreement and then he divulged what he knew. “Abigail Hamilton was brought into the station this morning for questioning, and later today she is going to be formally charged with extortion, and there could be the possibility of some additional charges. Evidence is piling up against her and the O’Leary’s. Holly O’Leary confirmed that Edward organized the hit on the victim that was found in the warehouse. Apparently, the victim, a known dealer in the next town over, was detrimental to the plan to get drugs going through Hamilton’s so a hit was ordered to wipe out the threat. Abigail Hamilton has been working with the O’Leary’s on the plan to get you and Drew out of Hamilton’s from the beginning. The more I learn about this, the more fucked up it gets.” He sucked in a breath and then his eyes darted between Sasha and I. “I also found out about the tape.”

  She visibly tensed. “Tell me.”

  “I don’t thi—”

  “Austin, tell me. I want to know it all.”

  “The tape was of her and O’Leary. It was while she was still living in Monroe, and he was you
ng. I’m talking underage, so it was before she started fucking his father.”

  “What!” Sasha screeched, and everyone turned to look at her. “Oh my God! I just, oh my God. I feel like I’m going to be sick.”

  “What was filmed as a teenage boy’s fantasy has been used as a way of blackmailing your mother to be involved in this. When she got word of what they were planning, her involvement grew, and it twisted into some wild fantasy that she was going to get Hamilton’s back, and then destroy it with the help of the O’Leary’s.”

  Sasha began to pace as everything started sinking in.

  “So, let me get this straight, my mother helped organize this, got her son stabbed, me with bruises and stitches in my head, and almost raped, just because she was jealous and felt entitled, oh and because she had sex with a teenage boy over twenty years ago?” Her bewildered face turned between us. “This is messed up.”

  I grabbed her hand and stopped her pacing and pulled her toward me. “Sash, you okay with all this? This is a lot to take in.”

  “She hasn’t been in my life for thirteen years. What I found out about her just confirms that I want absolutely nothing to do with her. She brought this on herself, and I feel no remorse toward her. If that makes me a bad person, then I’ll deal with that, but to be honest, this makes me relieved that she won’t be able to come back here. I’m shocked and disgusted, but I’m not going to let her destroy any more of my life. Wait, does that make me sound like a bitch?”

  I watched her as she stared back at me. Fuck, I was a lucky bastard to have this woman. “No, it doesn’t make you sound like a bitch.”