Before Now (Sometimes Never)

  “He blows up?”

  Guy smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Pretty much. And if you aren’t really careful, you’ll get hit with the shrapnel.”

  “You say that like you know firsthand.”

  Guy looks at the salt shaker as if it holds the right answer. He pulls his lip into his mouth, chewing on it as he thinks. “I’ve seen it happen.” He turns to me. “I told you a little about Hope. My sister that he used to date.”

  I flinch at the name, remembering how Park lost it the last time she was brought up. “Yeah.”

  “Right. Well, she was the same way.”

  “Was?”

  He nods his head and narrows his eyes, studying me again. “She’s different now. Happy.”

  “What changed for her?” I want to know how to help Park be happy.

  Guy laughs and shakes his head. “Love, Lucy.” He rubs his face. When he drops his hands, they smack the table hard and I startle.

  “I think you should go for it,” he says suddenly. “Just jump in with both feet.”

  “Uh…” I slip out of the seat. That would be great if he didn’t just warn me I’d have my heart ripped to shreds. “I have to get back to work.”

  Guy claps his fingers around mine. “Just think about it.”

  ***

  I do everything in my power to not think about what Guy said. In fact, when Bree says she wants to set me up with one of Jessie’s friends, I don’t fight her on it.

  I let her pick my outfit and do my hair. I even give in and let her weigh my eyelashes down with mascara. Jessie seems all right with the whole thing, so I know whoever I’m going out with must be a decent guy. He must be everything Park isn’t.

  I don’t even know his name.

  Not-Park shows up fifteen minutes early. This annoys me, but if I’m being honest with myself, it has nothing to do with his timekeeping. It’s more the fact that he has very blonde hair. It’s almost white—and it’s 100% natural. I know, because he made a point to tell me. He also has bright blue eyes and a dimple in his chin.

  He reminds me of a Ken doll.

  When Not-Park smiles, I notice he has perfect teeth. They’re whiter than his hair and I can see the pink of his gums.

  “Kyle is majoring in business,” Bree says. “He only has one more semester before he graduates. His family owns their own business. A restaurant. He wants to expand and open another location around here.” She continues to list his qualifications. I zone out, imagining Bree standing behind a podium as Kyle struts up and down a walkway, trying to sell him to the highest bidder.

  “Lulu loves Mexican food,” Bree says loudly and I know I missed something.

  “Mexican’s great,” I agree.

  Kyle smiles and I return it. He seems really nice. I bet he’s the relationship type. He probably doesn’t screw everything with two legs and a vagina. I mean, he knows what he wants in life apparently. He wants to finish school and open a restaurant. He seems reliable. Promising.

  “Ah, good,” he says. “You had me nervous there for a second.” He offers me his hand. “You ready?”

  “Sure.” I let him hold my hand and ignore that his is a little sweaty.

  “You look really nice. Bree said you were pretty, but I wasn’t sure if she was biased.” He grins. “She isn’t, obviously. You’re stunning.”

  Stunning. I’m not sure I’ve ever been called stunning. And then I wonder what Kyle would think if I’d worn my cut-off shorts and tank top like I would prefer. How would he feel if my hair wasn’t curled and my face was free of make-up?

  I feel like an imposter. Little Lucy playing dress-up in Mommy’s clothes, on a date with a perfectly nice boy I have absolutely no interest in.

  Because Kyle’s hair isn’t black and messy. Because his eyes are blue and kind instead of brown and warm with hidden pain. He’s too tall and too husky. I prefer the tight swimmer’s build and six foot, tattooed frame of—

  I am so mad at Park.

  He has ruined men for me.

  I realize as Kyle opens the car door for me that he doesn’t smell right. He’s all musky woods scented. I miss that light undertone of smoke and ash.

  Ugh. I just miss Park. Damn him.

  Before I step into the car, my eyes flick up to the second floor fire escape. I shouldn’t have looked. My chest tightens and my face grows hot as I meet his dark gaze.

  Park’s bent over, forearms resting on the railing, cigarette between his lips. He’s too far away and covered in shadow. I can’t make out the expression on his face, but his body looks rigid. Frozen. He doesn’t appear happy to see me.

  Kyle touches my elbow, pulling my attention back to him. I blink slowly and allow him to help me in. He closes the door and as he runs around the back of the car, a half smoked cigarette hits the windshield. The burning cherry explodes across the glass as the filter rolls down the hood. I look back up to the fire escape, but Park’s gone.

  18

  Park

  I close the window and stalk out to the living room. Where the fuck is he? I might kill him. I want to.

  I go to the fridge for a beer. I chug it down and go for another when I hear Jessie and Bree. They sound happy and it pisses me off more. Why do they get to be happy? Why does everyone else get to be fucking blissful when I don’t even get a taste?

  “Hey man,” Jessie says as he reaches past me, grabbing out two beers. “Bree wants to watch a movie. You want to hang with us?”

  I clench my jaw and pop the top on my bottle. I glare at him as I take a long drink. He raises his brows and starts to turn away. “Did you do that?” I ask.

  He sighs heavily. “Did I do what, Park?”

  I push out of my slouch and step close to him. “Did you hook Lucy up with that douche bag?”

  “Kyle? He’s cool, man.”

  “Kyle,” I repeat. Even his name is douchey. “Who the fuck is Kyle? Do you know anything about him?”

  Jessie barks out a harsh laugh and rubs his chin. “I’m not in the mood for your shit today.” He turns around and walks away from me like he’s ending the conversation, but I’m not done. I follow him to the living room.

  Bree’s curled up on the couch and he settles in next to her. Something rolls inside of me. I can’t explain it. There’s no name for it. The closest that comes to mind is rage.

  “Is it a date? Are they dating?” I need to know.

  “Jesus, Park,” Bree huffs. “They aren’t getting married. He’s taking her to dinner.”

  I narrow my gaze on her. “Did you set this up?”

  “Yes. I did. I’m sick of seeing her turn down guy after guy because she’s waiting on you to notice her.”

  I notice her. “What guys? What are you talking about?”

  Bree rolls her eyes. “Dudes hit on her all the time. She can’t work a single shift without somebody asking her out. But she says no to all of them. Why? Because she thinks there’s more to you than your drunken, whoring ways.” She shakes her head, glowering at me. “It’s time for her to get out and have some fun. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just dinner.”

  I set my empty bottle down on the table and cross my arms. “Lucy isn’t like you,” I state slowly.

  Bree sits up, dropping her feet to the floor. “What do you mean by that?” Jessie shifts next to her like he’s getting ready to hold her back and it makes me smile. Bring it the fuck on.

  “She doesn’t want to just have fun with guys. She’s not about stringing them along. She wants one guy. You and me, Bree, we’re the same. We’re cool with cheap fun and meaningless sex. But Lucy is better than us. She wants a relationship.”

  “Are you calling me a whore?”

  “Are you a whore?”

  “Park, you need to shut up,” Jessie says firmly. “Don’t talk shit to Bree or I’m going to get pissed.”

  “You should be pissed. You’re in love with this chick and she just keeps yanking your fucking leash. Don’t you wonder who she’s fucking when s
he isn’t with you? Doesn’t it eat you up inside? Don’t tell me you don’t think about it.”

  Jessie doesn’t say anything. He can’t. He’s pissed off—because he knows I’m right.

  “Shut your mouth,” Bree hisses. “I’m nothing like you, Park.”

  I laugh. I laugh loud and long as she fumes, watching me. “You are exactly like me. That’s why you don’t like me. It’s like looking into a mirror, reminding you every day how screwed up you are.”

  “I don’t like you because you’re hurting my friend.”

  “Ditto,” I say, locking my eyes on hers.

  “What happens between me and Bree is our business,” Jessie utters. “I know you’re mad, but you’re overstepping by miles right now. Lulu wanted to go out with Kyle. That’s it. You can’t blame anybody for it.”

  I look at him hoping my disgust shows on my face. “I can blame you. You and your stupid-ass rules.”

  He closes his eyes and drags his fingers through his hair. “Just go pick up another girl and get this out of your system.”

  I flinch away from his words. I feel sick from the thought. “I don’t want another fucking girl,” I murmur. Bree turns her head quickly to look at me. I shake my head and walk away.

  Fuck this. I’m done.

  ***

  I must have fallen asleep on the landing waiting for Lucy to get home because I open my eyes to her kneeling over me. “You drunk?”

  I rub my face and yawn. “No.”

  “You all right?”

  I almost laugh. “No.”

  She stands up and offers me her hand. “Come on. I need someone to keep me company.” I let her help me up so I can absorb the sensation of her skin against mine.

  I follow her inside thinking how great she looks in that dress and then I remember she was wearing it for another guy. All the earlier jealousy roars to the surface and I try to reel it in, but it’s stirred up too many old feelings. I’m losing the battle quickly.

  “How was your date?” I don’t even bother to hide the disdain in my voice.

  Lucy drops her purse on the coffee table and plops her ass down on the couch. She slips her heels off and sighs. “It was…” She trails off and bites her lip.

  “What?”

  “Boring.”

  I laugh, mostly with relief, and lower myself beside her. “Boring, huh?”

  “It was the most mind-numbingly boring dinner I have ever attended.” She leans back and I do the same. When she turns her head to look at me, I realize she’s wearing make-up. She looks pretty, but it just isn’t her. I like her natural better.

  “You want to know something?” she whispers.

  “What?”

  “From the moment he showed up at my door, I compared him to you. I hated every minute because I just kept reminding myself that he wasn’t who I wanted to be with.”

  My heart skitters around in my chest before beating frantically. “You shouldn’t say things like that to me, Lucy,” I murmur hoarsely.

  She licks her lips and I stifle a moan. “Why not?”

  “Fuck, Lucy.” I sit forward and grab my head. “You’re all puppy paws and kitten whiskers. You’re too damn good and I don’t know what to do with that.”

  “I am so sick of everyone acting like being nice is a bad thing. It doesn’t make me stupid or weak. I’m not some naïve, vanilla, little girl.”

  I turn my head slowly and let my gaze fall over her. “Oh, you’re vanilla, Lucy. Trust me. But that just makes me want to drizzle hot fudge all over your body, and take my damn good time licking it off.”

  “Then why don’t you?”

  Really good question. “I can’t. I promised Jessie I wouldn’t touch you.” I don’t know if I’m explaining it to her or myself. Both. Definitely both.

  She sits up and twists her body to face me. “Is that the only reason?”

  All I can do is nod because I’m just not sure anymore.

  “Then don’t touch me,” she breathes. Her lips press into the hot flesh of my neck and I shudder. She skims her tongue up to my ear. “But I never promised I wouldn’t touch you.” Her mouth covers my earlobe, sucking gently, and my hands twitch at my sides.

  When she knows I have no intention of stopping her, Lucy slides her leg over my thighs until she’s straddling my lap. I pull my hands back, forcing myself not to touch her—even though I want nothing more than to grab her and trace every inch of her body. She works her way over my jaw and stops at my mouth. Her lips hover so close to mine I can nearly feel them.

  I lock my gaze on hers and the storm is back in her eyes, darkening the gray. She lets her nose caress mine, but she doesn’t kiss me. Instead, she rocks her hips against mine and my hands curl into fists. I don’t know how much more I can take.

  “I want you, Park,” she says softly. Her lips brush mine with every word. “All of you.”

  I pull back just enough so I can look at her, read her expression. Fucking beautiful. “Tell me you’re mine,” I demand. “Tell me you belong to me.”

  Her eyes dart over my face. She doesn’t move in any other way, frozen in my lap. “I’m yours, Park—only yours—if you want me.”

  I grab her face and crush my mouth to hers. She gasps, but recovers quickly, opening her mouth, welcoming me. Her fingers lock into my hair, pulling me closer as she glides her hips back and forth. I go instantly hard and it encourages her to keep going. Her tongue explores my mouth and I groan. I need her. Now.

  Running my hands down her back, I grasp her ass and grind into her. She breaks away from the kiss and lets her head fall back with a moan. I take advantage and drag my mouth down her throat. I cup her breast and kiss the golden cleavage peeking out of her dress. And then I decide it’s not enough. I hear the fabric rip as I force it out of the way.

  Lucy doesn’t seem to mind that I ruined her dress. In fact, it seems to give her ideas. She takes hold of my shirt and pushes it up quickly. I lift my arms for her and she flings it over her shoulder. Her hot tongue slides down my chest and she bites at my nipple.

  “My turn,” I say, my voice husky. I slip my hands under her dress and work it off her body. She goes to unhook her bra and I grasp her hands, pulling them up above her head. My fingers smooth the skin down her arms, over her ribs, and then up her back. I unclasp the hooks and she drops her arms, letting me slide the straps off.

  Sitting in my lap, her breasts exposed to me, Lucy shivers as I take a moment to appreciate her. Absolutely gorgeous. I trace her nipple with my thumb before taking it into my mouth. I suck hard, letting my tongue kneed her flesh. She digs her fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck and rocks against me again.

  I release her with a pop. “Right now,” I say roughly. “I need you right now.”

  “My room,” she utters.

  I stand up, bringing her with me. She locks her legs around my hips and kisses my neck. I feel like I can’t get there fast enough as I move toward her open door.

  I lower her to the bed. Her long hair fans out around her. She is so sexy. I slide her panties down her legs. Ah, God. She’s flawless.

  “You sure about this?” I ask quietly. Please say yes.

  Not taking her eyes off me, Lucy nods once. “Positive.”

  19

  Lucy

  I watch Park unbutton his jeans and wonder how I got here. When I woke up this morning, I was miserable, afraid he would never talk to me again. And now I’m in heaven. I wonder if he realizes how big this is for me. There’s nobody else I would take this risk for. I have no idea what this means for us, but I won’t think about that now. I can’t.

  He drops his pants and it doesn’t surprise me that he’s bare beneath. My eyes soak up the sight before me. Every hard plain of his sculpted body. As he lowers himself over me, I realize this is truly happening. Every fantasy I’ve had since I met him is dull and diluted compared to the real thing.

  The warm wetness of his tongue is the most incredible feeling in the world. He takes his time, kis
sing and sucking at my skin as he travels my body. When he gets to my thighs I tense with anticipation. He circles his hands around my hips and brings me down to meet his mouth. I release his name in a strangled cry.

  Park’s tongue delves deep inside of me before sliding up and flicking across my center. He nibbles and sucks, gentle and rough. The sensations he’s pulling from my body are almost too much to handle. Delicious heat coils low in my stomach, searing a path straight to my core. I rise up, gliding into the rhythmic caress of his mouth. He makes a noise, his lips vibrating against me and that’s it for me. I knot my fingers into his hair as I shake with ecstasy.

  He places one last kiss there and sits back. “This is mine.” His eyes meet mine to verify I understand before his teeth nip at my breast. “This is mine.” He moves to my other breast and flicks his tongue over the nipple. “This is mine.” Next he skims his lips over my mouth. “Mine.” A kiss to my forehead. “Mine.”

  Park lies beside me and pulls me onto him. He grips my ass. “And this is mine.” I rub against him and he sucks in a breath. His hands get lost in my hair as he guides me toward him. “All of you. Mine.”

  He rolls us and leans over the bed. Taking a condom out of his wallet, he tosses it on the bed beside me, and I smooth my hand over the silky smoothness of his erection. He closes his eyes, enjoying my touch. I love touching him, but I can’t take it anymore. I need to know how it feels to have him inside me.

  “Park.” My voice comes out thick, pleading. His eyes meet mine and he holds my gaze in understanding.

  “I got you.”

  Most people say I love you in this situation, whether they mean it or not. Park’s three words mean so much more to me. They’re a promise for right now. No bullshit about the past or the future. Just this moment in time, he’s taking care of me.

  He kisses me softly before positioning the condom. When he moves into me I wrap my legs around him and nearly scream. He starts a slow, smooth motion that has my body begging for more. His hands alternate gripping my hips, caressing my sides, brushing through my hair. His mouth moves from my lips, to my neck, to my breasts. He has this great rhythm that is completely chaotic. An ever changing pattern. It’s such a contradiction and I realize somewhere in the back of my mind—this is Park. A chaotic contradiction.