Fantastical

  “Cora, you’re not too –” Phoebe began and that was when I lost it.

  I’d been holding it together, holding it by a thread, holding onto that thread for two weeks, living for two, long weeks with the constant feeling that thread was going to slip from my fingers. And, just then, I lost hold of that thread. It wasn’t nice, it wasn’t good but that was when I lost it.

  “I know what I am, all right?” I shouted, shut my eyes against the worry on their faces and nodded my head sharply once. I opened my eyes and looked at them. “I’m hurting and I’m sorry and none of this is in anyone’s control and you’re all dragged into it and you’re worried about me and you’re giving up time and energy and it’s making me feel guilty on top of everything else and I just need to be free of that. Just for an hour.”

  “You didn’t do anything to feel guilty for, honey,” Mom said quietly and I looked at her.

  “I know that Mom but that doesn’t make me feel any less guilty,” I returned, she bit her lip and I sucked in another painful breath and snatched back that thread, holding onto it for dear life.

  Then I said gently, “I’m sorry. I love you guys. I loved you before you went all out to help me, to help Tor, worrying about me. I’ll always love you, no matter what happens. But can I just have an hour to try to forget? Can I just have an hour alone? And then we can all go back to worrying.”

  And, for me, go back to the pain… though the pain never left.

  Ever.

  They all stared at me.

  “Just an hour,” I whispered. “Please?”

  Mom looked at Dad. Dad looked at Mom. Phoebe studied me.

  Then Dad’s eyes came to me. “Fine, sweetheart, one hour. Just one.”

  I slouched against the doorjamb such was my relief. “Thanks, Dad.”

  He came forward, wrapped a hand around the back of my head, pulled me to him and kissed my forehead. Mom came forward, squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek. Phoebe came forward and gave me a tight hug.

  Then they left and they did this without me leaving the doorway.

  After I heard the door close, I stared for a long time at my kitchen which was still full of Tor’s food. I was taking my vitamins (of course I was, forcing them down for the baby) and I had been eating. I wasn’t hungry but I was pregnant so I was eating for our child. But Tor bought so fucking much food…

  I closed my eyes against the memory. Then I moved to the couch, laid down, grabbed the remote, turned on my stereo and did what I’d done what had to be a million times since he was torn away from me.

  I played “Crash into Me” which was already queued up and ready to go.

  When it was done, I played it again.

  And when it was done, I played it again.

  And again.

  “Baby,” I whispered to the ceiling, the tears streaming out the sides of my eyes, down my temples, drenching my hair, “come back to me. Find some way to come back to me. I swear, swear, swear, if you come back to me, I won’t ever vex you again. Never again. I won’t be overly friendly to people who are common and I won’t save half-dead birds and I won’t sneak apples to Salem in the stables… or to all the horses in the stables though I don’t think you knew I did that… and I won’t rumple children’s hair. I’ll be the perfect princess. I’ll be your perfect princess. I’ll live every second doing everything I can to make you feel nothing but happiness, to make you want to do nothing but smile your beautiful, beautiful smile. I swear. I swear,” I forced through my blocked throat. “Just come back… honey, come back and crash into me.”

  My throat clogged, there came a loud banging at my door and I jumped.

  Jeez, that couldn’t have been an hour.

  Heaving a sigh, I rolled off the couch, moved to the door and looked out the peephole.

  Oh my God!

  My heart flew into my throat, I unlocked the door, threw it open and flung myself in Tor’s arms.

  “Baby,” I whispered, my arms around his shoulders, my face in his neck, my body pressing into his as I felt his hands, his big, strong fingers close around my hips. “Honey, oh God, I missed you. God, baby,” I moaned in his throat.

  “Cora?” his beautiful voice sounded, I pulled my face from his neck, moved my hands to either side of his head and then pulled him to me, pressing my mouth to his, I slid my tongue inside and I kissed him. Burrowing deep into his body, holding onto his head tight, I kissed him with everything I had.

  His arms closed around me, he shuffled me into the apartment while still kissing me and I vaguely felt and heard him close the door with his foot.

  I slid my hands to his neck and pulled away, looking into his gorgeous, light blue eyes.

  “Let’s go to bed. Right now. Hurry, I need you, honey. Like our first time, just like then, I need you now,” I whispered frantically, wanting him, needing to be connected to him, as close as I could get. I was moving backwards, trying to take him with me but his body locked and he held firm.

  Then he spoke.

  “Jesus, babe, what’s got into you? Two weeks ago you blow me off and now you’re all over me. What the fuck?”

  I yanked out of his arms, took two steps back, my eyes scanning his face.

  No scar.

  Not Tor.

  Noc.

  I closed my eyes and dropped my head so my face was in my hands.

  Not Tor.

  Noc.

  Bloody hell! I was going to start crying again.

  I was right. I started crying again. The tears came back, the pain came back and my shoulders started heaving, wracked with my sobs.

  “Cora, fuckin’ hell, what –?” Noc asked softly, his arms sliding around me but I tore away from him, moving quickly back two more steps, lifting a hand.

  “Stay away from me!” I yelled and his face switched instantly from concern to anger.

  “What’s with the multiple personalities, babe?” he asked, crossing his arms on his chest.

  I stared at him. God, except for the scar and the words he used, he was the same. The absolute same. Every inch of him, down to his voice.

  Pain sliced anew, shredding me inside. I couldn’t take it, I couldn’t endure him being there.

  “Get out,” I whispered.

  “See, that’s not gonna happen,” he told me, dropped his arms, took a step toward me, I took a step back and he stopped and put his hands to his hips. “You got somethin’ to tell me?” he asked.

  “No,” I replied honestly, “I don’t have anything to tell you.”

  “Nothin’ about an appointment with an obstetrician and fillin’ a prescription for prenatal vitamins?” he prompted, his jaw hard, his eyes glittering angry.

  Oh shit.

  He went on, “Babe, I used protection but shit happens and I gotta know if the kid you’re carrying is mine.”

  “It isn’t,” I said swiftly.

  “That’s interesting since I know you haven’t been with anyone else but me.”

  Oh shit.

  “Well, you’re wrong, I have,” I returned.

  “Hard to do when I got your ass under surveillance,” he told me and my mouth dropped open. “You’re eight weeks pregnant and I know some other guy was around a couple weeks ago but other than that, it was you, your shopping, your takeaway, your games, your crazy-assed driving that nearly killed pedestrians every time you got behind the fuckin’ wheel… and me.”

  “You had me under surveillance?” I whispered.

  “Clue in, Cora, I’m a cop. Jesus, fuck, are you that dumb?” he asked. “Christ, you found my fuckin’ badge, looked right at it, held it in your hand for fuck’s sake, lookin’ at it like you’d never seen anything like that in your life. I was comin’ out of the bathroom and I saw you. You put it right back where you found it, diggin’ through my clothes, I might add, and after, you didn’t change a thing. We were together for weeks after that and you didn’t change one fuckin’ thing. Freaked me out, didn’t know your game, didn’t expect to be at your place with my bad
ge but you jumped me and I had no choice but to roll with it. And in the end it worked for me. No offense, babe, but you aren’t too bright unless you’re countin’ cards so I figured, what the fuck?”

  Oh boy. Cora would do that because she’d actually never seen anything like a badge in her life.

  My back went straight and I informed him. “I know you’re a cop.”

  He jerked his chin up and his eyes went hard. “So, you actually aren’t too bright and thought you were playin’ me,” he decided then leaned in, his face carved from stone. “Advice. You gotta get better at the game.” I stared at him and he went on, “Like, say, that kiss you gave me before you booted my ass out or, better, the one you just gave me. That’s bein’ better at the game.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” I asked. “Doesn’t this interfere with your investigation?”

  “I brought down the games a week ago, babe. My guess is, you sensed that shit was goin’ down since you packed my stuff and stopped goin’ to the games. I thought you were history and, sorry to say, I wasn’t too broken up about it. That was until continued surveillance on you gave me the info you were goin’ to an OB/GYN and gettin’ pregnancy vitamins. Unfortunately that meant I had to come back.”

  “Why were you continuing to watch me?”

  “Because you like the game, Cora, you like the money, you like the clothes and shoes and all that shit.” He threw an arm out toward my bedroom. “You like it better, thinkin’ you’re fuckin’ someone over, counting cards. You get off on it. In fact, I reckon it’s the only thing you get off on. You got off on it so much, you didn’t even care you were fuckin’ a cop. You led me to one racket; it’s in your blood, you need your fix, need it so much you made me and, still, you didn’t stop so I knew you’d find another game so we stayed on you.”

  Oh. That made sense. It was annoying but it made sense.

  Then a thought hit me. “Is it normal operating procedure to sleep with people you’re investigating?”

  He crossed his arms on his chest and his eyes moved the length of me from top-to-toe and back again. “Babe, you were all over me. You’re hot. I thought it would be hot. It was not. But it went that way, you thought you had me by the balls and I had to go the way it went.”

  “That’s not very nice,” I whispered, stung, though I didn’t know why since he wasn’t talking about me and his eyes narrowed as his head tipped to the side.

  “Not very nice?” he asked back, his voice soft.

  “To talk that way,” I explained, “about, um… me.”

  He stared at me through narrowed eyes then he leaned back an inch. “Well, fuck me,” he murmured. “She’s got feelings under all that ice.”

  “No,” I whispered, “she doesn’t, but I do.”

  His head jerked then he asked, “Come again?”

  I stared at him. Then it came to me.

  I had a previous address and a first name, Clarabelle.

  And he was a cop and cops had access to databases that had all sorts of information.

  And it would kill me, being around someone who looked like Tor and sounded like Tor, but if I could convince him to help me find Clarabelle, I was going to do it.

  The problem was, I had no freaking clue how to convince him.

  “I’m in love with another man,” I said quietly.

  “Well, congratulations,” he replied, his mouth not quite but almost curling in a sneer.

  My mind whirled and then I hit on it, a tactic that had worked before with my boss Dave.

  Soap opera.

  “And,” I tried, “you knew Rosa, not Cora. I’m Cora and Rosa is my twin sister. Identical twins but she’s the evil twin. She’s a pain in my ass. She was watching my place when I was –”

  “Jesus,” he cut me off, his brows going up, “seriously?”

  I stared at him.

  Okay, clearly Noc was not as bubbleheaded as Dave, my boss, who bought the amnesia story without a peep.

  Shit.

  “No, that was a lie,” I admitted.

  “No shit?” he asked sarcastically.

  Shit!

  Then I decided to stall in order to come up with a different strategy so I asked, “Do you want a beer?”

  “No, I wanna talk about what you’re gonna do about our kid,” he answered.

  “I think you need a beer,” I told him.

  “No, babe, I need to discuss this mess so I know what I’m dealin’ with. What you gotta get is, I’m a cop. You have the kid, can’t say that’ll make me happy, but I’ll take care of my kid. What I won’t do is bust my ass payin’ a shitload of child support so you can have fourteen hundred dollar shoes. And you’ll also have to get off your lazy ass to do somethin’ other than countin’ cards and goin’ shoppin’ ‘cause my kid’s Ma is not gonna be doin’ that shit. None of it. You get me?”

  Hmm. Seemed he had Cora’s ticket too.

  Not good.

  “I’m getting you a beer,” I stated and started to the kitchen.

  He caught my arm as I walked by him and I turned and tipped my head up as he exploded, “Fuck, Cora, I don’t want a fuckin’ beer!”

  That was when I announced, “I’m in love with a man from an alternate universe. It isn’t your child I’m carrying, it’s his. He looks exactly like you except he has a scar on his face…” I turned fully to him, reached up and touched his temple lightly. His face, I noted distractedly, was frozen with shock but my eyes moved to my finger against his perfect skin. “Starting here,” I whispered then curved my finger down his cheekbone, “and ending here.”

  “Fuckin’ shit, you’re insane,” he whispered back, his eyes, when mine shifted to them, were moving over my face.

  But I didn’t really hear him. I was transfixed by his face, so like Tor’s, so beloved, but not Tor’s.

  “He’s a warrior,” I whispered. “He has scars here,” I moved my finger to touch his chest where Tor’s scar was, “and here,” I kept whispering, touching another place on his chest, “and… here.” I finished with another touch and tipped my head back to look from his chest to his eyes. “He has your eyes, he has your voice and he has half my soul.”

  Noc didn’t speak, just looked in my eyes.

  So I kept going.

  “I know you think it’s crazy, it sounds crazy, it is crazy, but it’s true. There are two worlds, the same people in each world. Cora from that world came here, you know her, not me. I’m not cold, I can’t count cards. I don’t even know how to play poker. And I’m nice. I make people laugh. They care about me. When I was there, I met you but the you of there. And I fell in love with the you of there and I’m having your baby…” I shook my head, “His baby. He was the man your people saw but I’m guessing they didn’t get a good look at him or they would have told you he looks exactly like you.”

  His head jerked, his gaze grew intense, my heart leaped and I leaned closer to him.

  “They did,” I whispered. “They said he looked exactly like you.”

  “They thought he was me,” Noc replied, his voice quiet.

  “Did they get video? Pictures?” I asked hopefully because if I never made it back to Tor, at least maybe I could convince Noc to give me the pictures.

  “Only of the back of his head,” Noc answered, I closed my eyes and leaned back an inch. “Babe,” he called and I opened my eyes. When I did he said not a word, just stared into my eyes then his gaze moved over my face before it came back to me. “Jesus, fuck,” he murmured, “you believe this shit.”

  “Only because it’s true,” I replied then I asked softly, “Standing here talking to you, am I anything at all like her? And looking around my place, is it anything at all like it was when she was here?”

  His jaw clenched and he didn’t even bother looking at my tidy apartment.

  This was my answer. It wasn’t and I wasn’t.

  “At birth, in his world, half of his soul was separated from him and put in me. Now that we’ve met, our souls united so when he was pul
led away, our souls were torn apart,” I explained. “You won’t ever be able to understand it, and I’m glad of that, but let me just say that the pain of having the other half of your soul ripped away doesn’t feel all that nice as in…” I leaned in again and my voice carried the ache I felt inside when I finished, “at all.”

  He heard it, he may have even felt it and I knew that because it made him flinch.

  Then he lifted his hand, curled it around my neck and whispered, “Cora.”

  I closed my eyes again and dropped my head. His touch, so strong, so warm… but not Tor’s. His voice saying my name, so deep, so rough, the same… but not Tor’s.

  God, it fucking hurt.

  His other hand came up; he caught me under my chin and gently pulled my head back up.

  I opened my eyes and searched his face.

  Then I stated, “You don’t believe me.”

  “I believe you believe you.”

  I nodded and tried to move away but his hand at my neck held tighter and I stopped.

  “Babe,” he said gently, so gently that that one word and the way he said it proved… yes, he was sweet, probably very sweet, “you gotta get help.”

  “I know,” I answered with feeling because I knew I did, I just couldn’t find her.

  His hand left my chin and dropped so his arm could curve around my waist and pull me closer as he kept talking gently. “You got my kid inside you, baby, we gotta get your head sorted. After we do that, we sort out other shit, yeah?”

  I sucked in breath.

  He thought I was mental.

  This was not going my way.

  That was when I decided to bargain.

  “All right, Noc. I’ll make you a deal. I know someone who can get me back to Tor’s world,” I told him.

  “Tor?”

  “The other you.”

  His eyes flashed. “You called me that –”

  “I know, the other week, when I got back and the other Cora left. Anyway, I promise to go…” I hesitated before saying, “see someone if you help me find the person that can help me get back to Tor. If she doesn’t help me, then I’ll go to someone else to help me, someone you pick.”

  “Babe –”

  “It can’t hurt and it won’t take much. I have a first name and an address of where she used to live. If you can track her down –” I stopped speaking when his face started to get hard.