Fear of Falling

  “Her name was Amelia,” his rich voice said behind me, a touch of southern drawl conjured up with the memory of his mom.

  “She was gorgeous,” I smiled at Blaine. He was dressed in low-slung cargo shorts and a sleeveless tee. The smell of his body wash filled my nostrils, bringing back memories of the suds all over my naked skin as I touched myself, imagining it to be his fingers. My face flamed, and I turned back to the photos. Shit. Leave it up to me to think about sex while talking about Blaine’s deceased mother. Class-y.

  “She was,” he nodded. “Most of the men in town would try to date her, but I wouldn’t have it. No man was good enough for her. So, I mastered the art of being a sneaky little shit, and making their lives hell.”

  “Not you, Blaine Jacobs! Look at that angelic face,” I chuckled, pointing to the younger version of the scary-beautiful man in front of me, sans tattoos and piercings.

  “You’d be surprised,” he answered rubbing a hand behind is neck.

  I took a deep breath and turned around to face him, resigning to confront the real reason I was there while the wine was coursing through me.

  “Before you say a word,” Blaine interjected, “I want you to know that you still have a place at Dive. Just because things may not work out for us, doesn’t mean you have to leave. I can schedule you with Trisha or Corey, or you can work alone. Or…”

  “Wait…what?” I frowned, taking a step back. “You… you think I came here to break things off with you?”

  Blaine shrugged. “I don’t know. What was I supposed to think, Kami? I haven’t heard from you in days, and now you just show up, looking… fine. Better than fine. Shit, you look amazing. And here I am, going out of my fucking mind worrying about you. So please, tell me what I was supposed to think.”

  He didn’t sound or look upset. He seemed hurt. And I felt like a huge asshole for making him worry.

  “I’m sorry, I, uh, just needed some space and time to get my head together.”

  “And now?” he asked with a raised brow.

  “Now? Shit… I don’t know what. I, uh, you know…” Words failed me. Even the conversation I had on repeat in my head on the way over was long forgotten. I didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t know how to make him see that, though I was damaged, I still wanted him. And dammit, I wanted him to want me too. Not out of pity or obligation. But out of love.

  Fuck. There’s that word again.

  “You know…” I began chewing my lip nervously. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t even understand why I thought I could. No one could truly love a person like me. I was broken beyond repair. It would be selfish of me to expect him to be placated when I knew he deserved so much more. Someone normal and healthy. Someone who wasn’t afraid to love him as furiously as I wished I could.

  “Shit, I’m sorry, Blaine. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” I shoved my empty wine glass in his hands and turned towards the door before the first tears could be seen. I had to get away from here. I had to get away from him. With the impulse to stay and fall into his arms growing stronger by the second, I knew that my resistance wouldn’t hold much longer.

  “Stop, Kami!” he called out.

  I forced my legs to carry me to the door though my heart crumbled with every step. It was breaking, the new fractures disrupting its previously restored state. It was all my fault this time. I would have rather suffer alone than throw him into the thick of it.

  I pulled the doorknob open, only to have Blaine slam it shut before I could escape.

  “Dammit, Kami! Stop this shit! Will you stop trying to run from me all the time? It’s obvious that you came here to say something, so just say it. If you want to tell me how you feel, say it. If you want tell me I’m an asshole, say it. If you never want to see me again, then fucking say it! But I’m not just gonna make this easy for you. So if we’re done, you have to say the words.”

  He pressed his front into my back, the heat of his anger seeping into my skin and causing sweat to break out all over my body. My breath caught at the feel of his hard body encapsulating mine.

  “Blaine…I… I ca–,”

  “Yes you can,” he gritted. “You came all the way here. Spit it out, so you can go back to not giving a shit about me, and I can start not giving a shit about you.”

  I pushed against him and spun around, pinning him with my own angered glare. “What? You think I don’t give a shit about you? You think I came here because I don’t have feelings for you?”

  “It’s obvious you don’t.”

  I let out a frustrated huff, causing my nipples to brush his chest. “You don’t know a damn thing. It’s because I care that I’m even here. Do you think this was easy for me? Do you think this shit doesn’t kill me just to think about?”

  Blaine took a step back and ran a hand through his wayward locks before stalking back into the room. “How am I supposed to know that, when you shut me out?” He looked back at me with enraged confusion. “Kami, I know nothing about you. All I see is this gorgeous girl who looks like she is carrying the weight of the world on her back. And every time I try to help shoulder that burden, every time I get too close, you try to run. So please… help me understand what I’m missing. Because I’m tired of trying to figure this shit out on my own.”

  With my hands wrung tight in front of me, I stepped back into the living room. “You don’t know what you’re asking for, Blaine. You don’t want this.”

  “Don’t tell me what I don’t want just to get out of talking. What are you so afraid of?”

  Every tortured emotion that had been bottled up for the past month came rushing to the surface, bursting out of me like a violent volcano.

  “Everything!” I screamed, tears streaming down my hot cheeks. “Everything! I am fucking afraid of everything, Blaine! Don’t you see that? Don’t you see why you shouldn’t be with me? I am twenty-three years old, and I’m scared of the dark! Or how about this—I can’t even close the fucking bathroom door. Do you realize how embarrassing that is? And let’s not forget about the best part…how I can’t even step foot into a body of water. That’s what you want to hear, right? You want to fix the broken girl. You want to make me a little pet project so you can feel better about yourself. Well, newsflash… I can’t be fixed. This is me. I’ll never be what you want, Blaine.”

  Blaine was stunned into silence for long moments before he took a step towards me, his expression unreadable. “Why?”

  Huh? What was he asking me? I glared at him through wet lashes and smeared mascara.

  “Why?” he repeated.

  “Why?” I snorted turning away from him. “Life happens. This is life, Blaine. And I don’t care what you say. That shit isn’t always beautiful. It’s ugly. And hurtful. And abusive.” I tried to wipe my leaking eyes, but the dam had broken. I couldn’t stop. If he wanted to know me, then he would. He would see the loathing that festered inside me. And when he realized just how scarred I was, he’d do what any sane man would do. He’d walk away.

  “Life is cruel and evil, Blaine. There’s nothing pretty about being beaten repeatedly for no apparent reason other than existing. There’s no joy in being locked in a closet in the dark for hours on end while being taunted. There’s no happiness in being called every vile name you could imagine before you’re too young to even know what they mean.” My voice broke, quieting my tirade into a hoarse whisper. “There’s no beauty in being tortured and hated by the one man that was supposed to love you the most.”

  He was in front of me before I could collect my bearings, brushing away my tears with the pads of his thumbs. “Your father did this to you?” he whispered.

  I looked up at him through watery eyes, and could clearly see the compassion etched in his face. “Now do you see why you don’t want me? The real me? My own father despised me from the day I was born. And my mother was so messed up herself that she forgot I existed. She forgot to love me. I live in a world of constant fear where monsters exist, and there are no happily-ever-afters. Only
pain. And sorrow. Hatred. You don’t deserve that.”

  “And neither do you,” he uttered with a wavering voice. He pulled me into his hard chest and squeezed out another fresh wave of tears as he stroked my hair. “Neither do you, baby.”

  “Blaine, please don’t do this. Please don’t be nice to me. Please don’t act like you want me when you don’t. It’s ok; I’m used to it.”

  “Dammit, Kami,” he growled pulling me from his chest and grasping my shoulders. “Stop trying to push me away. Stop trying to make me not want you. Because guess what? I care about you. And I do want you. So fucking bad.”

  Before my mind could dissuade my heart, I looked into his brown eyes and let myself free fall into him. “Show me.”

  Blaine’s hungry mouth captured mine as he pulled my body up into a kiss that shattered all other kisses. We were a mosaic of lips, tongues and teeth, drinking in each other’s agony. I wanted to kiss away his guilt and pain. He wanted to swallow my fear and loathing. And, as my legs wrapped around his waist, the hardness of him pressing into my heat, I let him. I let him because I wanted to be better for him. I wanted to give myself to him freely without worry or hesitation. I wanted Blaine to take it all away.

  Our mouths still fused together and moving furiously, Blaine carried me to the staircase. With one hand fisted in my hair, the other grasping my backside, he walked us to his bedroom with ease. I didn’t even know we were there until he laid me down on his bed, settling on top of me. When his lips abandoned me, I nearly cried. Kissing him was finding bliss for the first time. And now that I had finally found it, I never wanted to let it go.

  “You are so beautiful, Kami. And so strong,” he murmured against my neck as he dotted it with kisses. “If you only knew how amazing you are… I’ll make you see it. I’ll make you feel it.”

  He stroked me through our thin layers of clothing, my dress bunched up to my waist. I didn’t care. I wanted it off. I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I wanted Blaine to fill me with the same bliss that fell from his lips.

  As if hearing my unspoken plea, Blaine eased the straps from my sundress off my shoulders, revealing my bare, heavy breasts. He instantly palmed both before drawing a pebbled nipple into his mouth and sucking, swirling his tongue ring around the hardened skin. I cried out as sizzling heat engulfed the area before shooting down between my thighs. I squeezed his waist tighter, locking my legs around him at the ankles. I ached for him. I needed Blaine to put out the flames that each flick of his studded tongue ignited.

  He teased the other nipple until the skin was so sensitive that it hurt. Then he eased up on his elbows and gazed down at my writhing body. “I know you said you don’t make love,” Blaine uttered, his gaze branding me with smoldering passion. “But I want you. I need you. So. Bad. Shit… Kami… I need to fuck the fear out of you.”

  The air left my lungs in a rush as I absorbed the delicious blow of his words. I was nodding furiously; out of control with my own desire for him to do any and every thing he pleased. “Yes,” I answered breathlessly. “Please.”

  A long beat passed as we just stared at each other, our anticipation preluding frenzy. Blaine took my mouth again and claimed it with every stroke of his tongue as he slid my body up farther onto the bed. Gently, he placed my head on a pillow before pulling my dress down the length of my body. I lay before him unashamed and unafraid, in only my panties, as he appraised my body like a rare jewel.

  “So fucking gorgeous,” he muttered, as those hooded, chocolate-brown eyes took me in.

  “I need to see you too,” I whispered unabashedly.

  Without hesitating, Blaine pulled his shirt off with one arm, revealing the masterpiece that was his torso. If I hadn’t felt the warmth of his skin, I would have sworn it was cut from marble, the smooth hard planes and ridges a true work of art. I ran my fingers over his abs and chest, stopping to caress the small silver hoop in his nipple. He groaned and closed his eyes, motivating me to lift up on my hands and kiss it. I felt Blaine’s body tense and tremble as I licked and sucked gently, careful not to get too eager. Touching him was a practice in restraint because God only knew how badly I wanted to push him down and mount him.

  Feeling the excitement growing too thick, Blaine pulled away, sitting on the heels of his bare feet. His gaze was molten as he eyed the scant lace thong covering my sex. When his fingers finally hooked underneath the waistband and pulled them down my legs, we both moaned. I was so ready for him that the throb was painful. The sight of my swollen clit must’ve told him the same.

  “God, you’re so beautiful,” he said, before his face disappeared between my thighs.

  The first flick of his tongue made me cry out. The second made me scream his name. By the third, I was coming, pulling his already disheveled locks as he continued to devour me. He groaned his appreciation for my taste, sending vibrations through my sensitive flesh up to my belly. By the time he was finally done sliding that magnificent barbell through every delicate fold, I had come again.

  As I lay mewling and shaking, Blaine leaned over me to retrieve a condom from the nightstand. We both stared at the foil packet for an awkward beat before our eyes flicked back to one another.

  “I’ve never been with anyone without one,” he finally said, a tiny crease settling between his brows.

  “Me neither.” I chewed my lip, conjuring up the confidence to ask for what I wanted. And I wanted Blaine. All of him. “I’m on the pill.”

  Blaine swallowed before a small smile spread across his full lips. “You sure?”

  I knew what he was asking, and I was. I had never been more certain about anything in my life. “Yes.”

  He was lowering himself onto my body in the next instant, rejoining our mouths as his hands continuously explored my body. I reached down for the fly of his shorts, desperately needing to feel every part of him, inside and out. Blaine sat up a bit, giving me access to the buttons that sheathed his hardness. And once he was free, my eyes grew wide with delightful shock as I took in the sight of his beauty. Because, dammit, he was beautiful. Every long, hard, swollen inch of him.

  He settled between my thighs. “I’ll go slow,” he murmured against my lips as if he could feel my tension. Relief flooded my joints. Blaine was incredibly well-endowed. Hell, he was flat-out big. Bigger than I had ever had.

  The tip of him teased my slick entrance, slowly pushing through the barrier of tightness. Even through the slight pinch, I welcomed him inside me, my walls hugging him after adjusting to the intrusion. Blaine pulled out a bit before sliding in deeper, causing me to gasp at the foreign feeling of pure pleasure. I couldn’t focus on my insecurities. Fear was a distant memory. All I could focus on was the man cradling me, kissing me, as he filled me to the brim.

  Blaine worked himself into me, stroking me deep and slowly. I caressed his back and shoulders before taking his face in my hands to look at him. His expression was a mixture of strain and ecstasy as I gazed at him though glassy eyes. He felt so…good. So good that he had conjured emotions I had never felt before. Emotions that I wanted to feel everyday from here on out.

  I moaned and whispered his name while Blaine echoed my pleasure with sounds of his own. He was vocal as he rocked into me over and over, groaning, telling me I was beautiful, saying how good I felt, even growling as he sped up the tempo and pressure began to build. It was the sexiest thing I had ever experienced, and it heightened my arousal even more.

  Tears sprouted at my eyes when the telltale signs of orgasm began to sweep over me, tightening my belly before blooming into an inferno that scorched each nerve ending. I clenched around him, matching the pulsing of his hardness inside me. Blaine shut his eyes tight and hissed as he pounded into me harder, melding pain with the intense pleasure, pushing me into another devastating climax. My back arched off the bed, and Blaine grabbed my hips until only my shoulders and head remained grounded. He surged into me harder and faster still, my garbled screams meeting the sounds of his own building orgasm.

/>   Blaine’s body finally went rigid as he held still inside me. I pulled him down on top of me and wrapped my arms around his neck. I was spent, but I wasn’t ready to let him go. The feel of our wet arousal and sweat was slick between us, but I didn’t care. I wanted him close. I wanted to hold him like he had held me so many times. Like he was holding me now, kissing me, smiling down at me lazily.

  “You are amazing. So fucking amazing,” he whispered.

  “You’re not so bad yourself,” I grinned.

  He nuzzled my neck and nipped my skin, causing me to squeal-moan with him still twitching inside me. I squeezed him tight. I never wanted to let him go.

  Just as the glory of afterglow began to sweep over me, my tired eyes ghosted over his shoulder.

  The door.

  It was closed.

  But with Blaine on top of me, kissing my nipples, and working me back into a frenzy, I was too incredibly happy to even be afraid.

  “I was seven when my mom and I left.”

  At hearing her confession, I reflexively squeezed Kami tighter, her soft, naked body curled around mine while she traced the ink on my torso and arm. I still couldn’t believe she was here. And even more than that, I couldn’t believe she had given herself to me after divulging the horror of her past. Hearing those words, seeing her tears, stirred an insane feeling of desperation inside me that I had never felt before. I was beyond outraged, but my need to comfort her outweighed my need to hunt down the sick fucker who hurt her. I knew at that point that I would do anything for her. I would risk my life to protect her, and give anything to ensure that she never felt that type of pain again.

  “My mom is from a very strict, traditional Filipino family. My…father…is American. He was a musician and met her at one of his concerts when she was just a teenager. My mother’s refusal to stop seeing him was a huge show of disrespect, and her parents kicked her out when she was only 16. He took her back to LA with him, and they were married within a year.”