Fear of Falling

  She stopped her account to kiss the inscription on my left pec, conjuring my own demons. But they would have to wait. Kami was the only thing that mattered in that moment.

  “I don’t remember when things got bad. I think they were always like that. The lifestyle he led…the drugs, booze, women…my mother had no business being a part of it. Neither did I.”

  I kissed the top of her head, encouraging her to continue. Kami turned to look at me, giving me a sad smile that knocked the wind right out of my chest.

  “I used to try to rationalize what he did to us. He had a tough upbringing; his dad would kick the shit out of him and rape his little sisters. He was sick. Sick to his core until he finally put a bullet in his brain in front of his wife and kids.” Her green eyes glossed over with fresh tears before she blinked them away and placed her head back on my chest. “I thought it was possible that that sickness could be genetic. Maybe I’d be like them and get sick too. So I figured if I never let anyone in, if I never cared enough to want that for myself, I would be ok.”

  “You’re not like them, baby. Not even a little bit,” I said, guiding her head back up by her chin so she could see the conviction in my eyes.

  A genuine grin pulled at the corners of her luscious mouth. “I know.” Another soft kiss on my pierced nipple. “But maybe, in ways, I’m worse.”

  “How can you say that?”

  Kami shrugged before running the very tips of her fingers up and down my stomach. “The way I am. So devastatingly afraid. It goes beyond fear, you know. It’s like my body shuts down completely. I’m not normal. I’ll never be. Which makes it impossible to have a normal relationship.”

  “I don’t believe that, Kami. Not for a second.” I brushed the hair away from her face, letting my fingers trail down her spine. “And what relationship is really normal?”

  She nodded, and I could almost hear the proverbial “but” on her tongue. “Still…no one deserves to be bogged down with all my baggage. Can you understand why I kept all this from you? It wasn’t just to protect myself, Blaine. It was to protect you too.”

  “From what?”

  “The end. What always happens when I’ve gotten involved with other guys.”

  I let my hands roam the mounds of her ass and down to her thigh, pulling it over mine. “I’m not other guys. I don’t need protection from you, Kami. I want every part of you. Even the parts you think are too painful or ugly to share. I want it all. I want all of you.”

  She nodded again as she silently contemplated my vehement declaration. Every word I said was steeped in truth. I not only wanted to possess Kami’s demons as if they were my own, I wanted to completely free her from them. I never again wanted fear to consume her, and I would do anything I could to alleviate her anxiety.

  “When my mom returned home to her family with me in tow, I thought we were finally safe,” she whispered, returning to the story of her tormented past. “But I was so wrong. So very wrong…”

  “Baby…” I kissed the top of her head, a piece of me breaking at the sound of her wavering voice. I knew whatever she needed to say would kill me. Just the thought of her hurting pushed me to the brink of violence. But I quelled my own emotions for her sake. Kami didn’t need my shit piled on top of hers.

  “He found us six months later. We were staying with my grandparents up north. And he made it known that we would never be safe. We would never be free of him.”

  I felt warm moisture slide onto my chest, heating my body with anger and sympathy. I hated that she had ever shed a tear for that piece of shit. He didn’t deserve them. But I wouldn’t stop her. She needed to let it out, and I was honored to be the one she had opened up to. I was her choice. Kami could have any man she wanted, yet she trusted me with her darkest secrets.

  “As soon as he busted down the door, my aunt tried to pull me to the back bedroom to spare me. I kicked and screamed for her to let me go. I knew if someone didn’t help, he would kill her. When I finally wriggled free, I instantly regretted it.”

  She took a deep breath, prompting me to stroke her hair. “My grandparents had a wall that was covered with a huge mirror. He…smashed her head into it repeatedly. Over and over again until she was a pile of blood and torn flesh on the floor. Even after he had beaten her unconscious, he just continued to kick her and call her disgusting names. And when his wild eyes flicked up to mine, he just…smiled. He smiled at me as if to say I was next; as if the thought of slicing me up until I was unrecognizable pleased him.”

  “Fuck. Oh my God…” I had no words. Nothing could sum up the horror and fury I felt. I just squeezed her tighter. I never wanted to let her go.

  Kami sniffled before pressing her lips to my chest. “My mother spent weeks in the hospital. Plastic surgery may have repaired her face, but she was never the same after that. He killed her. Whatever was left of my mother was murdered that day. She never smiled again. She never kissed or hugged me. She never told me she loved me. She just existed. I think a big part of her wished he really did kill her.”

  “I’m so sorry, Kam. Shit, I’m…”

  “Part of me wished he killed her too,” she whispered through a sob. “I could have mourned her. I would have been given the chance to grieve the loving mother that I once had. Not the empty shell that forgot I existed.”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “I was alone with my memories, Blaine. I had no one to help me through them, no one to tell me it would be ok. I had nightmares every night, and no one soothed me. No one told me I had nothing to be afraid of. Fear became all I knew. It was all I had.”

  I pulled Kami until she was on top of me, and we were chest to chest. I needed her to see the severity in my face. “Kami, I swear to God that you will never feel that way again. As long as you’ll let me, I will be there to comfort you through every nightmare. To hold and kiss you every day so you never feel lonely again. To dry every last tear.” My thumbs brushed away the ones trickling from her impossibly green eyes. “Fear isn’t all you have. You have me. If you want me, you have me.”

  Before she could answer, I covered her mouth with mine and swallowed the last of her sobs. Her hands gripped my hair while mine palmed her ass, slowly grinding her against my hardening cock. Kami placed her knees in either side if my legs, sliding slickness against hardness. I teased her opening with my erection, the friction to her clit causing her to moan and squirm. Fresh wetness covered my stiff length.

  “I want you inside me,” she mumbled against my lips. “Now.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I replied, lifting her hips and easing her onto me as I delved into the softest, sweetest place on earth.

  An hour later, after a shower that nearly led to me thrusting into Kami against the tiled wall, hunger steered us to the kitchen. Kami sat cross-legged on the counter, wearing my t-shirt and boxers. Though the clothes swallowed her petite frame, she looked unbelievably sexy, and it was all I could do to keep from taking her right there.

  “How do you like your eggs?” I asked, pulling out a frying pan.

  “Isn’t it like 11 at night? A little late for breakfast, don’t ya think?” she asked, stealing a grape from the bowl of freshly cut fruit I had placed in front of her.

  “It’s never too late for breakfast. Besides, it’s my favorite meal. And the only one I can cook successfully.”

  Kami smiled around a mouthful of plump grape. “So you mean to tell me that you live off of breakfast food alone?”

  “Mostly,” I shrugged. “I eat at the bar a lot. And Ms. Patty or Mavis drop by with food throughout the week. I think there’s some leftover fried chicken in the fridge.”

  Kami nodded while sucking fruit juice off her fingers. I was on her before she could even blink.

  “Maybe one day I could cook for you,” she said breathlessly, feeding me a small slice of peach.

  I sucked the juice off her fingers slowly, twirling my barbell against the soft pads of her fingers. “You can cook?”

  “Mmmm,
” she moaned, as I nibbled the inside of her wrist, lapping up the juice that had dribbled down her hand. “Yeah. I’m pretty decent. I used to watch my mom in the kitchen. I think it was what she considered quality time—her cooking and me watching.”

  I abandoned her wrist and fished a piece of melon from the bowl. Teasing her tongue, I glided the fruit across her lips before sucking the nectar from her mouth.

  “You keep this up, and we’ll never get any food made,” she giggled once I released her lips. I rewarded her with the slice of melon.

  “Would that be so bad?”

  “Not at all. Especially since my hunger for food has suddenly been eclipsed by my hunger for something else,” she smirked, her eyes flicking down to the bulge in my shorts.

  My cock jumped to attention, straining against the fabric. I turned back towards the stove to hide the evidence of my weakened willpower. When it came to Kami, self-control went completely to the left.

  “I’d love for you to cook for me one day. But I must warn you: I may not let you go after that.”

  Kami smiled and slid a wedge of tangerine between her pouty lips. “That’s what I’m counting on.”

  I struggled to throw together a decent meal for Kami and me, too distracted by her presence to focus on much else. Once we had both filled up on cheese omelets and toast with Ms. Patty’s homemade boysenberry jam, we lounged on the couch with glasses of wine. Kami tucked her body under my arm and laid her head on my chest. She felt good in my arms. It felt natural, like she was made to always be there. It was presumptuous as hell, but shit… I didn’t believe in playing games. Not when it came to her.

  “What does this mean?” she asked, running her fingers over the tattoo on my chest.

  I grasped her hand gently and placed it over the words forever etched in my skin. “Alis Volat Propriis. It’s Latin for ‘she flies with her own wings.’” I guided her fingers to the cluster of roses adorning the lettering. “These are Amelia roses. My mother’s name was Amelia Rose Jacobs.”

  “It’s beautiful,” she smiled, as I brought her fingers up to my lips.

  “I got it when I was 16. Even my ornery old uncle got a little choked up when I showed him.”

  “I love your tattoos. I never really was into them before, but on you…it just sorta fits. Like I couldn’t imagine you without them.”

  I released her fingers so she could explore further. “When did you get this?” she asked, pointing to my right sleeve.

  “Different pieces from over the last few years,” I explained as she traced a finger over the mural that covered my arm. “I like to get something done whenever I travel to a different place. Sorta like the road map of my life.”

  “How do you find time to travel the world and run a business?”

  “I wasn’t always the owner of Dive,” I shrugged. “After shit went down with me and my ex, then with that asshole Clark… I kinda fell off the grid. As soon as my probation was up, I hit the road. No cell phone, no email, just the world mapped out in front of me. I needed to get away, just escape all the bullshit that was waiting for me here. And I really had no plans to ever return.”

  I ran a hand through Kami’s hair while she continued her study of the lines and colors embedded in my skin. “I was gone for almost two years when I heard about my uncle’s situation with the bar. I knew what I needed to do. He took in his sister’s little badass kid and treated me like his own. Even moved to a better neighborhood to try to give me a new start. I owed it to him to help out. So, about a year ago, I came back.”

  “Family is important to you,” she smiled up at me, her face completely devoid of sorrow. There was something else there. Admiration? Pride? The way she looked at me…I don’t know…it stirred something inside me. Like maybe she could see the man that I desperately wanted to be. Not the guy covered in ink with a reputation for being too quick with his fists. Not the guy that used to bang different chicks every night just because he could. Not the man that had tried to run from the shitty hand that life had dealt him.

  Maybe Kami could see straight into my soul just as I tried to see into hers. With those green eyes penetrating flesh and bone, awakening the parts of me that I had kept hidden from the rest of the world, I silently vowed to make life beautiful for her again. To erase the ugliness that her father had left behind years ago. To restore her faith in humanity and make her believe in happily-ever-afters.

  To be her happily-ever-after.

  They say God laughs when you make plans.

  I had planned to survive. I was resigned to not having any emotional attachments other than Angel and Dom. I could float from job to job, refusing to lay down any roots in order to stay detached. I’d even move every few years, hoping to just coast under the radar. Life would be…easy, filled with inconsequential interactions just to squelch the need for intimacy. Shallow. Insignificant. And lonely.

  God was flippin’ hysterical right now.

  I knew Blaine was different. I wasn’t naive to the fact that I had feelings for him. Feelings that I never thought someone like me could ever harbor. I just didn’t know how deep those feelings could run. And holy shit…they ran deep. So deep that the impulse to stay and make Blaine the center of my universe was just as strong as the one to run like hell and escape the unknown.

  Even as I made my way through the doors at Dive after waking up in his arms just hours before, sentiments of both bliss and dread overwhelmed me. I counted to 10, but the queasy feeling in my gut didn’t subside. My hands were clammy, and tiny beads of sweat broke out on the back of my neck. Still, something kept my feet moving farther into the building. Towards him. Running away wasn’t even an option.

  The moment his deep brown eyes bore into mine, I knew exactly what that impulse was. It was all him. All Blaine. My affections for that scary-beautiful man had won out over reason and rendered me absolutely dumbfounded. I knew I was a fool, but dammit, I was a deliriously happy one.

  “You’re not gonna make this easy, are you?” I asked, after I eased behind the bar.

  Blaine narrowed his eyes, one side of his mouth curling into a knowing smirk. “Make what easy?”

  I looked around to make sure no one was in earshot. “Playing it cool. Trying to act like nothing happened.”

  “And why would I want you to do that?”

  I frowned. “You don’t really want everyone knowing that we… slept together, do you?”

  “Why not?” he shrugged. “I mean, no, they don’t need details. But Kami, what happened between us was more than just sex. You get that, right?”

  “Um…yeah?”

  “Not convinced that you do.”

  Without saying another word, Blaine hopped on top of the bar and towered over the Dive Hump Day Happy Hour crowd. Everyone looked up at him like he had three heads.

  “Attention everyone! You see this beautiful woman behind the bar? Well… I am pretty much crazy about her. Like fucking insane. And whether she wants it or not, Kami’s got me. All of me. And, all bullshit aside, I just want her too.”

  Half the bar erupted into cheers, most of the patrons raising their glasses to Blaine and me in an air-toast while the other half ignored us completely. When Blaine hopped down from his makeshift soapbox, I was already seven shades of red and completely mortified.

  “Oh my God! Why did you do that?” I screeched, covering my face.

  Blaine gently tugged my hands and wrapped them around his waist before grasping my flush cheeks in his large tattooed hands. “Because, Kami, when you know, you know. And you don’t fight it. You don’t deny the inevitable. You free fall because you know there’s someone there to catch you on the other side.”

  His face inched closer to mine, close enough for the scent of mint and spice to intoxicate me as his earnest words entranced me. “You don’t have to be afraid of falling. Just close your eyes, let go, and know that I’ll always be here with arms outstretched, ready to catch you.”

  “So Blaine, what’s going on with you an
d my girl?” Angel asked, before taking a bite out of her French fry.

  It was Thursday, over a week since Blaine and I had officially crossed the line from friends to lovers, leading to a mortifying declaration to the entire bar. Open Mic Nights were quickly becoming just as popular as nights when AngelDust ruled the stage, especially since my performance two weeks prior. Luckily, I had successfully reiterated to Angel that it was a one-time deal. She promised not to spring anymore surprises on me though I did have to throw her a teeny tiny bone and confess my real feelings for Blaine. To most, it was obvious. But me actually saying the words out loud to another living soul? Major.

  Blaine swung his gaze to me and smiled. “You’ll have to ask Kam.”

  “Ugh. Don’t you think I tried? I even bribed her with promises of shoes and handbags. Nothing. I swear, that girl is a steel vault,” Angel griped, rolling her eyes.

  “Get over it,” Dom chimed in, swiping a chicken tender from her plate. “Not everyone is as shameless as you. Or slutty.”

  “Slutty? Oh you’re one to talk! I’m sorry…I believe I ran into one of your “dates” this morning after you left for work. What was her name again? You know…the one with the butterfly tattoo?”

  “How the hell should I know?” Dom munched away before whipping his head back to Angel with wide eyes. “Wait! How would you know about her tattoo? A tattoo that’s on her ass?!”

  I watched as the pieces fell into place for Dom, while Angel gave him a devious grin.

  “Dammit, Angel! Not again!” he scoffed.

  Angel shrugged and resumed nibbling her fry. “Not my fault you left her unsatisfied, and she found her way to my room. Don’t be so sensitive, Dom. It’s not like you cared.”

  Dominic shook his head before turning to pin me with an accusatory glare. “And you knew about this?”