The Secret wish List

  ‘What can I do, Gaurav? Like I said earlier, I do want to learn, but it’s awkward for me to come to class. I really cannot.’

  ‘Hmm, how about I shift your timings? Put you in a new batch?’

  That idea had not occurred to me at all. While I had wanted to very much continue learning salsa, I hadn’t seen a way out of my current predicament. Gaurav’s solution seems ideal.

  ‘Wow! Can you do that? That would be just perfect,’ I say.

  ‘But it will have to be late evening. What will you do with your son?’

  ‘That will be a problem. If Sandeep isn’t in town, there won’t be an issue, as I can leave Abhay with my mother-in-law. But if he is around, then he will definitely ask and create a fuss if he comes to know I am continuing to learn.’

  ‘Diksha, I have the perfect solution for this,’ he says.

  ‘Which is?’ I prompt him.

  ‘Have coffee with me today and I will tell you,’ he says.

  I know that Ankit will not be able to meet me as he is busy for the day, so I readily agree to have coffee with Gaurav.

  ‘Same place, same time?’

  ‘Yes, I will be there.’

  While Gaurav is a great guy, I know all I feel for him is fondness as a friend. I do not know if he feels anything more than that for me. And I do not want to take any chances screwing up a great friendship, just in the remote case of him wanting a relationship. I know it is too early and even perhaps ridiculous of me to think he might want something more, but I value his presence so much in my life that I do not want to take even the smallest risk. I decide that I will tell him about Ankit.

  We meet at the usual place and he greets me with a hug.

  We now talk with the ease of old friends and I feel that I have known him all my life. By now, I am used to his good looks. He is really attractive and is as well-dressed as usual. I see women turning around to look at him, trying to catch his eye and checking me out as though to say, ‘What does he see in her?’ I feel a kind of vicarious pride when he is with me.

  I tell him that I really appreciate all that he is doing for me.

  He says, ‘Hey, that’s what friends are for. Don’t even mention it.’

  ‘I wouldn’t know, Gaurav. I really haven’t made any good friends other than you.’

  ‘Really? I am surprised. But you do have Tanu, right?’

  That gives me the opening I am looking for. I tell him about my friendship with Tanu. How close we are. I tell him about all our escapades in school.

  Then I ask him, ’Do you remember you had asked me what rules I had broken and I had told you I will tell you later?’

  Of course he remembers he says and still wants to know.

  So I tell him about the night Ankit and I were caught kissing. I tell him about how miserable my life became after that—the new school, new city, the monitoring, the pressure, the constant reminding of my wrongdoing, the pressure to get me married which I eventually succumbed to, thinking, in my naivete, of it as an escape route. But, unfortunately, it didn’t quite turn out that way, and I tell him what it’s been like all these years with Sandeep. I tell him about how Tanu and Ankit came back in my life. And I tell him about how much Ankit means to me and how we have been meeting in secret.

  He listens to all of it patiently. Without any interruptions. And finally when I finish, he says, ‘Oh my God, Diksha. I truly would have never guessed. What a life you have led!’

  ‘Yeah, I know. It is like leading my life in reverse. Most people go through relationships and finally settle down with someone they like, have a baby, etc. Here, I have had a baby and now I am going on dates, as though to compensate for what I have missed. It is crazy.’

  ‘No, no, Diksha. I never looked at it that way. What I meant was, when you first came to the salsa class, I could have never imagined that you came from such a conservative background and how hard it must have been for you to join the class, and how many internal barriers you must have broken to follow your heart. Looking at you, I would have never guessed all of this. So when Sandeep stormed in that day, I was indeed shell-shocked. But now it all makes sense.’

  ‘Anyway, now you know my whole story, Gaurav. This is the first time I have opened up like this to somebody.’

  ‘I am honoured, Diksha’, he says and cups my hand. It is the touch of a good friend as though to say, ‘Don’t worry. I am with you through and through.’

  Then I ask him what was the brilliant idea he had.

  He says that he wants to offer me private salsa lessons. They will be exclusive lessons, just for me. I cannot believe what he is offering. It is like a dream come true.

  ‘But the money, Gaurav? I can’t afford private lessons, you know. My cousin, Vibha, paid for this course.’

  ‘Did I ask you for money, Diksha? Come on! How can you even talk about money and belittle our friendship. This is truly the least I can do for a friend. Please! If I wanted money, do you think I would have called you out and spent time with you? Wouldn’t I have simply suggested this over the phone? What a silly goose you are, Diksha. I like you! You’re my friend. And if I cannot do this much for a good friend, what is the use of friendship?’

  The generosity of his offer takes me completely by surprise.

  ‘Wow,’ I say, my voice almost a whisper. I am speechless.

  Gaurav smiles.

  ‘I knew this was the perfect solution. So will you come to the studio? When shall we start?’ he asks.

  I tell him that I will let him know. All of this has happened so suddenly. I thank him and tell him that I definitely want to learn and that we will work out the timings and other details.

  Once I am back home, I know that I have to speak to Tanu. I have just told Gaurav about my relationship with Ankit and it seems unfair to hide it from Tanu anymore. But somehow I am still reluctant to share it with Vibha.

  I call up Tanu, telling her that I am coming over to her place to spend the night and that I want to talk.

  ‘Anytime, babes, anytime. I am only delighted to have you. You know that well,’ she says.

  Next, I call up my mother-in-law and tell her that since I want to spend a night with my old school friend, just chatting and catching up, would she be okay to have Abhay over? She is thrilled by the idea and suggests that I drop him off at the earliest and leave him till the weekend or even longer if I want.

  This fits perfectly with my plans. I know Ankit will be free to spend the next day with me. If Abhay isn’t around, who knows I could perhaps even spend the night with him? The very prospect excites me.

  Tanu and I sit on her balcony overlooking the pool. The lights in the swimming pool shimmer and the reflections dance on the dark bobbing waters. There is nobody in the pool at this time of the night and it is so tranquil just to sit there and gaze at the water.

  I tell Tanu that I have a confession to make. It reminds me of the time all those years ago when I had cycled to her home to tell her about Ankit. Strangely after so many years, I am once again confessing to her, and it is once again about Ankit.

  Tanu says that we will talk over a glass of wine.

  I laugh and say that this time it is okay even if I get drunk as I am staying over and Sandeep isn’t around to pass moral judgements or be shocked. Tanu opens a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and pours it into long-stemmed flute glasses and hands over one to me.

  As we sit sipping our wine on her balcony, I find myself relaxing more and more.

  Tanu is so easy to talk to and she has been such a loyal and devoted friend. I tell her about Gaurav’s offer to teach me salsa. I tell her about how my marriage really is and how sex in my marriage leaves me feeling raped. I tell her about how I am unable to stand up to Sandeep, and how subservient I have always been, and how I am unable to find the courage to break free. I tell her about my meetings with Ankit and how we have now got into a relationship and become inseparable.

  Tanu listens without judging me and I am grateful for that.

  She
tells me about all the men she has been in a relationship with in detail. ‘I am thirty-four, Diksha. I head a business unit. But I am still single. I really don’t think I will ever find Mr Right,’ she says. She talks about her last relationship with an investment banker who really broke her heart.

  ‘It was just a relationship for sex, Diksha. But he led me to believe otherwise. I was a naïve fool to have slept with him. He finally left me a week before he got married, can you believe? He had hidden all of that from me. He is happily married now, but I still burn with the memories. What a bastard he turned out to be. And the sad little pathetic fool that I am, I still wait for him secretly. I know she is so wrong for him, and one foolish little part of me still hopes he will come back to me. How stupid is that?’ she says as she takes a last gulp of wine and pours herself some more.

  ‘So you see, we all have our little secrets. Our little burdens to carry. We should just make choices that bring us happiness. We have only one life, Diksha. We should follow our heart and do what gives us joy. Learn salsa. And you know what, if you think going to the studio at a late hour is difficult, just use my apartment. It is anyway large enough. This way, you will be close to home and can bring Abhay over too. When Sandeep gets back, you can always say you are popping over to my place and he will not suspect a thing.’

  I smile. It is indeed the perfect solution. I am happy about it. I immediately call up Gaurav who says it is ideal too. He then speaks to Tanu and thanks her and tells her that this will give him an excuse to see her more often as well.

  Tanu laughs and I know she likes the idea of seeing him as well. I am happy.

  ‘What have I done to deserve such marvellous friends? First Gaurav, then you,’ I ask her.

  ‘I don’t know. You bring comfort and joy to people. You are sincere and true and honest, and that’s what attracts others to you. You don’t find such qualities anymore. It is as though you have been untouched by time. There is something pure and innocent about you, Diksha. Anyone who gets to know you is immediately be struck by this.’

  I don’t know if it is the wine which is making her say all this. But I know she means it.

  ‘Ha, ha, ha. You say I am so innocent and pure, and here I am cheating on my husband and having an affair. Some kind of purity it is,’ I laugh.

  ‘But you see, that is precisely the point. You have never really loved your husband, Diksha. You have always been faithful to only Ankit. It’s not about physical infidelity, if you want to call it that. It really isn’t about sex—even a blind fool can see that. Your love for Ankit—it is so pure. It is untouched by time and it is strong and true, Diksha. You have no idea how rare that is. And how very fortunate you both are to have found it.’

  Later that night, I think about Tanu’s words about my relationship with Ankit. I am not able to reach any conclusion about it. All I know is that I feel so totally complete when Ankit is with me. I need him. Now that I have found him I will do anything to be with him.

  I text him saying so. He replies back almost instantly.

  He feels exactly the same.

  Twenty-Three

  ANKIT CALLS ME UP THE NEXT NOON.

  ‘Hey listen, are you sure you want to spend a night together?’ he asks.

  ‘Why? Are you having second thoughts?’ I tease him.

  ‘Of course not. Why would I? You are the married one, remember?’

  ‘Ha, ha, yes. But you know what the adultery laws in India say?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Firstly, in Indian law, adultery is defined as sex between a man and a woman without the consent of the woman’s husband. And since I do not think you will ever get my husband’s consent, what we are doing is definitely adultery.’

  ‘Hmmm, don’t make it sound so cold.’

  ‘Secondly, only the man is prosecutable and can be sentenced for up to five years, even if he himself is unmarried. And the married woman in the affair cannot be jailed.’

  ‘What? Don’t tell me! That is so unfair,’ he says.

  ‘Ha, ha, yes. In fact, the National Commission for Women has strongly opposed this archaic law set in the British times. It is really gender discrimination, as it implies that women are the property of the husband. They have recommended that this law be rescinded and they want it reduced to a civil offence. But that is yet to happen. In fact, most European nations have decriminalised adultery, but you know India. We are still stuck in ancient times in some matters.’

  ‘Wow, Diksha. How do you know all this? I am so impressed. I hadn’t even thought of adultery and its implications and what the law says. That angle hadn’t even occurred to me.’

  ‘Well, you have been busy signing multimillion dollar deals while I have been busy reading up and contemplating the possible consequences of my actions if this ever comes to light,’ I say.

  ‘It won’t. But I know that I want you. Leave Sandeep, Diksha. Walk out. And let us make a life together.’

  I do not know what to say to that. I don’t even have the guts to face up to my husband when he treats me badly. How in the world will I have the courage to walk out of my marriage? I am indeed terrified of Sandeep’s rage. Besides, fifteen years of being with him has made me emotionally dependent on him—something that I am slowly trying to break away from now that I have Tanu and Gaurav and Ankit as my support systems.

  ‘I don’t know, Ankit. I have been married so long, I have forgotten how it feels to live on my own and make my own decisions.’

  ‘Who says you have to live on your own? You will live with me.’

  ‘And your parents? You think they will accept it? Your social status, the circles they move in—what will people say? That you married a woman with a child?’

  ‘Look, Diksha, my parents are divorced themselves.

  They really don’t care. My mother is having an affair with an industrialist. My father is seeing someone who is younger than me. Ours is a crazy mixed-up family. You think they will really care?’

  ‘Ankit, we will talk about making a life and all that later. You tell me what time will you come home today? And tonight you can stay. Abhay is at his grandmother’s.’

  ‘Diksha, you come over. I will drop you back in the morning when I leave for the airport. Let me not spend the night there. You never know if the chakkar woman is spying on you from her balcony,’ he says. He is only half-joking, but he does have a valid point.

  I spend the night with Ankit at The Leela, a super-luxury hotel. It is the best night of my life. I have never stayed away from home on my own my entire life. I love every little thing about the hotel. I love the extravagance, the luxury and all the comfort it brings.

  Ankit smiles at my childish joy at discovering the handmade chocolates with rum at the centre. He laughs when I go to the bathroom and quickly strip and emerge wearing a bathrobe with nothing underneath. He pulls me towards him and we make love slowly this time. He kisses my forehead, my nose and my lips. He traces slow circles on my bare back, driving me wild, and I press my body against him. His touch sends seismic waves through me. The unhurried manner makes it even more intense and finally when I come, I scream. It feels like a volcanic explosion has taken place inside of me. I have never known such intense pleasure, such joy, such absolute contentment.

  ‘Ankit, I love you,’ I say later as we lie next to each other wrapped up in a cozy duvet. I am so glad that Ankit holds me after sex and actually makes conversation. So glad that he isn’t one of those men who roll over and go to sleep.

  ‘I know, meine liebe. I do too. Imagine having this for the rest of our lives.’

  ‘A marriage ruins everything, Ankit. It brings familiarity. Right now all this is exciting, maybe because it is rationed, measured and clandestine. Maybe it is because we cannot have each other when we want, that it is so intense. Maybe we will get bored of each other if we spend just three days together, who knows.’

  ‘No way. A lifetime with you won’t be enough for me.’

  ‘I would be content wi
th just three days. Three days—just you and me and nobody else. I would be so happy to get that,’ I smile.

  ‘Let’s do it’ he says.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Spend three days together. Just you and me, without anyone else. Let us go to the Maldives.’

  ‘What? Are you crazy? How can I? I have never done anything that wild.’

  ‘So? Have you ever slept in a hotel room before with another guy? You are doing it so easily now, right?’

  ‘But the Maldives, Ankit? How? Don’t you need a visa?’

  ‘You need a visa, but on arrival. It is a wonderful place, Diksha. Ethereal, out of the world. We have a superb presidential ultra-luxury water villa there, in the middle of the ocean. I promise you, it will be unforgettable.’

  ‘And what will I do with Abhay?’

  ‘What you did with him today. Leave him with your mother-in-law. Come with me, Diksha. It will be a memory to cherish for life. Wait, let me show you what I am talking about,’ he says and leans over to the side table where his Mac is resting. He flips it open and types in the address of the website of the resort. What I see blows me away.

  It is stunningly beautiful. The water villa is right in the ocean, which is a myriad shades of blue—cobalt, aquamarine, Prussian, sky blue—all of which have mingled to create a scene straight out of a painting. The villa itself is luxury personified, done-up beautifully and tastefully.

  ‘Oh my God, Ankit, this is so out of the world,’ I say, gazing dreamily at the photos.

  ‘Why else do you think I am asking you to come away here with me? It is indeed amazing, Diksha. We can create our memories. Make our dreams come true. Let’s do it,’ he says.

  ‘Hmmm. We will plan something. But not immediately. We will do it at some point,’ I reply.

  ‘Yes, that’s my girl,’ he says as he pulls me towards him and cuddles me. I run my hand through his hair and inhale his smell, a delicious male scent that is his alone mixed with an expensive designer cologne. It is something I love.

  Sandeep comes back two weeks later.

  And with him comes back the life I have now grown to hate. Earlier, if there was a growing sense of discontentment, now it is full-blown anathema.