The Secret wish List

  Sandeep has not noticed anything new about me. I am having an affair right under his nose and he is completely oblivious to anything that might give him an inkling of it. One part of me is angry about that. How can he be that indifferent to me? But the other part is strangely relieved as it is because of this very indifference that I am able to continue meeting Ankit clandestinely and to continue learning salsa with Gaurav in secret, at Tanu’s apartment.

  Sandeep is so involved with his work that it is as though he is lost in his own world. This new project has him completely occupied. He comes home very late these days, sometimes long past eleven pm, when I am almost ready to sleep. There are reports to be sent, data to be analysed and, even on weekends, I find him working furiously. It is as though the project has completely taken over his life and everything else has ceased to exist for him. He goes for his usual round of golf on weekends, but as soon as he comes back, he is at his laptop working. He is so busy that he does not even watch television any more. But more than anything, what elates me is that he is too tired to have sex.

  Sandeep’s preoccupation with work has also given me the freedom to pursue my salsa classes. Gaurav is an excellent teacher and now that he is teaching me exclusively, my progress takes a fast-track. I have mastered the basics now. He tells me to keep practising my ‘shines’—the term for a specific footwork step in salsa, and the ‘turn patterns’ which I can do by myself. He has given me a CD which has all the salsa music, and the moment Sandeep and Abhay leave, I quickly finish my household chores for the day and put on the CD at top volume. Then I stand in front of my full-length mirror in the bedroom and practise my shines over and over again. Whenever I take a break, I message Ankit.

  He replies when he takes a break. We keep sending each other messages throughout the day.

  It is as though my life is finally coming together, except in secret. Sandeep has no idea at all about my progress in salsa. I keep Vibha updated through our usual phone calls, but I am not ready yet to tell her about Ankit. Only Gaurav and Tanu know about Ankit and I want it to stay that way. Gaurav is delighted with my progress in salsa.

  Sandeep keeps travelling to Korea on and off. In these nine weeks, he has made at least five trips. He travels so often that I lose count. I no longer bother about his comings and goings. It is almost as if we lead parallel lives now, despite living in the same house.

  Ankit travels to Bangalore just as often and I have lost track of how many times we have met now. He has integrated so well in my life that I cannot imagine how empty my life used to be earlier.

  I have no option but to take Abhay with me to Tanu’s house whenever I have a class and he either watches me dance or goes to the apartment park area and plays with the kids there. During some of my classes, Tanu is around and sometimes she is working late.

  She enjoys the music and loves watching Gaurav and me dance. I can see that she and Gaurav are hitting it off well and I feel delighted for them. After class, Abhay and I walk back home and on some days Gaurav walks with us and on others stays back. I can see that Gaurav and Tanu truly enjoy each other’s company. Perhaps they fill a void in each other’s lives, I think to myself.

  ‘Mama, Papa does not know about these dance classes of yours, right?’ Abhay asks me after one such class as we walk back home. Gaurav is with us.

  ‘What do you think we should do about that?’ I throw the question right back at him.

  Abhay is a very smart child and I know he has guessed what is going on.

  ‘I think it is best if he doesn’t know. I won’t tell him as long as you buy me soft drinks whenever I demand. And, oh yes, you can buy me chocolates too and throw in a game of GTA as well,’ he says with a chuckle and runs off ahead.

  ‘Come here, you little pirate of the Caribbean, you blackmailer,’ I say and pretend to chase him round the park.

  Gaurav bursts out laughing.

  ‘He is really smart,’ he says. ‘What if he tells Sandeep?’

  ‘He won’t. He is my son. His loyalty is towards me. Do you know he has even met Ankit?’

  ‘Oh my God. Really? And he hasn’t mentioned it at all to Sandeep?’

  ‘No. He knows a lot of things intuitively. It is as though he is wise beyond his years.’

  In about ten weeks, I have mastered the twelve-turn-pattern moves as well as all its variations. There is a move called cucaracha and I have nicknamed it the cockroach. There is the mambo, basic back and opening out and cross-body lead. When Gaurav teaches me, all of these come to me almost effortlessly.

  ‘Diksha, at this rate you can soon be my dancing partner at competitions. Your progress is awesome,’ he says.

  ‘Really?’ I ask, pleased at his praise.

  ‘Yes, I can see you have been practising really hard. That is the key and what counts most, apart from the inclination and basic talent that you already have. You are a natural.’ he says.

  As the weeks roll by, Gaurav starts staying back after class and spending more and more time with Tanu. Tanu enjoys his company immensely now and I know she tries to come home early from work on the days I have class just so she can meet Gaurav.

  I ask her over the phone if there is anything brewing between them.

  ‘It’s really early days, babes,’ she replies, adding with a wicked laugh, ‘but he is good in bed, I can tell you!’

  ‘What?! What? Oh my God! Tanu, are you sleeping with him?’ I shriek.

  ‘No, he leaves after sex,’ she says solemnly and we both laugh hysterically.

  Sandeep announces that he is once again travelling to Korea for a week. His travels make no difference to me now. It is as though I have found my niche and carved my space. I am happy with my dance classes, helping Abhay with his homework, meeting Ankit, spending time with Tanu and leading a full life.

  I visit my mother-in-law every now and then with Abhay.

  ‘I am so glad at least you come and see me, Diksha. I am tired of expecting Sandeep to,’ she says frankly.

  ‘Aayi, it is okay if Papa is busy. Mama and I will come and meet you,’ says my ever-gallant, mature-beyond-his-years son, and my mother-in-law hugs him.

  ‘I wish your Papa had half your sense,’ she says.

  ‘I agree,’ I say and we both smile.

  I tell my mother-in-law about my private salsa lessons, and how much progress I have made. I tell her that Gaurav feels I can take the qualifying exams. She is delighted for me.

  ‘You must take the qualifying exams,’ she says.

  ‘That is what Gaurav says too. He is confident that I will easily pass them.’

  ‘He is right, of course. No knowledge is ever wasted.

  Do it. Go for the exams. I will keep Abhay.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I say and mean it with all my heart.

  Ankit comes to Bangalore that week. I tell him that I really want him to meet Tanu and Gaurav.

  When I ask my mother-in-law over the phone if Abhay can stay over as I want to go out for dinner with Tanu, she is only too happy to oblige.

  ‘Let him stay for two-three days. I really do not mind. And yes, if you want to take your exams, leave him with me for more time.’

  ‘You are a darling,’ I tell her.

  ‘But that is only because you are too,’ she replies.

  I cannot help thinking how different my mother-in-law is from my own mother. My mother really hasn’t bothered much about me or ever offered me help with Abhay. She has always lived with Rohan and done everything for him, including looking after his children. I do not like dwelling on my mother. Her relationship with me is a complex tangled web of love and hate. And so I push it aside.

  We go out that night, Tanu, Ankit, Gaurav and I. Ankit has made reservations at an upmarket posh place (with Ankit you can expect nothing but the best) which specialises in Italian cuisine. We have a wonderful time chatting, sharing anecdotes and laughing.

  Gaurav praises my dancing skills and Ankit is really proud of me.

  ‘You know what, Ankit
? It is all because of Gaurav. He is an excellent teacher. His dream is to open his own dance academy some day,’ I say.

  ‘Yeah, you should,’ says Ankit.

  ‘Hmm, some day I will,’ replies Gaurav.

  I feel elated being with my friends. For most people it is an ordinary experience, but for me it means the world.

  It is something I never did in college and something I never had a chance to do after marriage.

  It is little things like these, which Sandeep denied me, that matter so much to me. Now that I am getting it all, I revel in the moment, cherish it and enjoy it.

  After we drop off Gaurav and Tanu to their respective homes, Ankit decides to stay over at my home as Abhay isn’t around.

  ‘Somehow, Diksha, I don’t like staying the night when Abhay is around. It just doesn’t seem right, you know. He is a growing boy, after all,’ says Ankit.

  ‘I know. Even I would feel very uncomfortable if you stayed over when he was around. Coming over for dinner is one thing, but staying over is another thing entirely. And I do hope the chakkar woman hasn’t spotted you.’

  ‘Do you think she spies on people long past midnight?’ All the lights are off and there really is no sign of life on the street.

  ‘I highly doubt it. Let us not worry about it,’ I say

  Later that night, Ankit has a surprise for me. It is a plain white envelope that he drops on my chest.

  ‘What is this, Ankit?’ I ask.

  ‘A love letter,’ he smiles.

  ‘Really? You wrote me a love letter? Last time you did that, we were in school,’ I say and open it eagerly.

  ‘Well, this is a grown-up version of it,’ he says.

  And when I open it, I am stunned at what I see. I am so taken aback that I am unable to speak.

  It is a printout of a plane ticket to Maldives with both our names.

  And the flight leaves next morning.

  Twenty-Four

  ‘WHY ARE YOU SO SILENT NOW? DIDN’T YOU SAY you wanted three days with me, alone, far away. Well, here is our chance,’ he says smiling.

  ‘Oh my God, Ankit. How can you book tickets like this? That too for tomorrow.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘It’s all so sudden.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘I haven’t told Abhay. I haven’t packed. I just am not prepared!’

  ‘What is there to prepare? Request your mother-in-law tomorrow to keep Abhay for three more days. We will be back on Friday. This is really a fantastic opportunity, Diksha. We may not get another, let us just do it. I so want to show you Maldives.’

  ‘I want to see it too, but…’

  ‘What “but”? Don’t you have the guts? Scaredy Cat!’

  ‘Am not!’

  ‘Prove it,’ he challenges.

  ‘I will. See, I have to speak to my mother-in-law first and I also have to keep Tanu in the loop. Plus, of course, I will need to tell Gaurav that I am taking a break from salsa.’

  ‘And here I thought I was the busy businessman,’ he jokes.

  ‘Yeah, it is easy for you. You are free bird, you can fly wherever you like. I have so many things to arrange.’

  ‘I know, meine liebe, I was only teasing. I can’t wait to have you to myself for three days.’

  ‘Me too,’ I smile as I hug him.

  We leave for Maldives the next morning. I have taken Tanu into confidence and she is thrilled at my planned escapade.

  ‘Wow, just do it, babes. Tell your MIL that you want to spend some time with me and that we plan to go out every night. She won’t mind, will she?’

  ‘Not at all. In fact, she loves having Abhay over. She has been encouraging me to take my salsa exams and has offered to keep Abhay for as long as I want.’

  ‘What is the problem then? Just go,’ she says.

  We leave for the Maldives in the morning. I have spoken to my mother-in-law and told her I want to spend some time with my friend. She is only too happy to have Abhay stay over.

  ‘Have a good time with your friend and don’t worry about Abhay. I will look after him,’ she says.

  I feel a prick of guilt when she says that. She has no idea obviously, that the friend I am planning to have a good time with is Ankit and not Tanu.

  I call up Tanu from the airport just to mention this.

  ‘Hey, look. Haven’t you slogged and done everything for your family for the past so many years? What have you really done for yourself? Think of this as a gift to yourself. Just go and don’t even think about it. You truly are too much. This is your chance, Diksha, and it has come to you on a platter. Where are you going to travel after this, tell me? Has Sandeep ever taken you on a holiday?’

  ‘Yeah, we went to Nagpur once and once to Delhi, but both were family trips. We had gone to visit Rohan when he was based in the two places and Abhay was much younger then. We haven’t been anywhere of late. Sandeep has just been too busy,’ I answer her honestly.

  ‘God, Diksha. That doesn’t count at all. This is a real vacation. If you don’t want to go, ask Ankit if he will take me,’ she laughs.

  We go through immigration and it is only when the plane finally takes off, that I begin to relax as I lean on Ankit’s shoulder and fall asleep, the excitement of it all finally catching up with me.

  Maldives is heaven. We land at Male which is the capital city. The visa on arrival takes just ten minutes, as promised by Ankit.

  There is a private limousine waiting to take us to the hangar from where the sea-planes take off for the atolls. Maldives is made up of a double chain of tiny islands called atolls. Each atoll houses a resort. And each one is a world unto itself.

  I am so dazed by all of it and cannot help staring in wonderment. I have never seen sea-planes, let alone travelled in one. The waters in Maldives are a dazzling mix of various blues. It is nature in all its splendour. The sea is lovely, tranquil and serene. It feels out of the world.

  When our sea-plane lands, there is a boat waiting to take us to the dock. The resort which Ankit’s company owns is impossibly elegant, with about thirty beach and water villas in an intimate location of pure lagoons, sandbanks and tropical surroundings.

  The resort manager and the staff are there to greet us with warm towels and a welcome drink. They treat Ankit and me like royalty. I am flabbergasted by the whole experience. Ankit asks me to give him fifteen minutes with them while he takes care of business, and I am escorted to the presidential water villa. There is a wooden bridge, almost a kilometre long, which leads to it and an eco-friendly buggy takes me to our villa which appears to be bang in the middle of waves. It is constructed on wooden stilts and the ocean view takes my breath away. It is miles and miles of tranquil blue ocean. The villa itself is plush and luxurious with every little detail taken care of.

  There is caviar arranged attractively on a porcelain plate and a bottle of champagne chills in an ice-bucket next to it. There are fresh flowers too.

  When Ankit returns, I tell him, ‘Ankit, this is the BEST experience in my life so far. I truly cannot believe there are places like this on earth. I think one lifetime will not be enough to spend here.’

  ‘What did I tell you, meine liebe? I knew you would enjoy it,’ he says softly as he takes both my hands in his and kisses them.

  Ankit says that snorkelling is an activity we must try out.

  ‘But I do not have a swim suit,’ I say.

  ‘The resort has a shop where you can buy one. Just charge it to the room,’ he says.

  I explore the shop. It has beachwear, swimming equipment, necklaces made of sea-shells, sarongs, sun glasses, suntan lotions, in short, everything that one needs for a beach.

  I look at the swimming costumes for a long time. Then I remember my secret wish list and I smile as I pick a deep-blue polka dotted bikini in my size.

  Ankit whistles when I try it on.

  ‘You are so hot and I am already hard,’ he says and I blush.

  ‘Shut up,’ I say.

  ‘Why? It isn??
?t anything I haven’t seen before,’ he winks and I throw a towel at him.

  We spend the whole day snorkelling.

  The resort also has snorkelling equipment for the guests to borrow. They have deep-sea diving courses which have to be pre-booked. I feel strangely liberated as I prance about in my newly bought bikini and wear my snorkelling gear which Ankit shows me how to use. There is the snorkelling mask and fins and it isn’t too hard to learn how to use it.

  We snorkel for hours and admire the beautiful and abundant marine sea-life. The water is crystal-clear in the lagoons. There are multicoloured fishes, coral reefs and sea-shells. The hundreds of stunning colours take me by total surprise. Ankit laughs at my delight and teaches me how to identify the various fishes. I soon learn to tell the difference between Dogtooth Tuna, Tuna, Trevally’s, Jacks, Sweetlips, Butterfly Fish, Mating Octopus, Wahoo and Fusiliers.

  Later, we sit on our deck and watch the sunset, a stunning beautiful blood-red, mingled with golden orange, and sip our drinks.

  ‘Oh Ankit, I wish Abhay could see all of this. I so miss him. He would have loved it,’ I say.

  ‘We will bring him next time. It isn’t so hard,’ he smiles.

  ‘Let me call my mother-in-law and check on how he is doing,’ I say as I reach for the phone.

  ‘Oh, your mobile will not work here. You won’t get a signal. Your service provider probably doesn’t have a tower in Maldives.’

  I look at it and discover that there is indeed no signal.

  ‘Does yours work?’ I ask

  ‘No. Mine too is an Indian mobile like yours. We will have to use the hotel line to call. Do you want to?’ he asks.

  ‘No, the number will show, right? My mother-in-law will wonder about that then. I would have called from my mobile. But it is okay. Connect me to Tanu, I want to tell her,’ I say.

  I describe the whole place and my experience so far to Tanu. It is as though I want to drag everyone I love to this place and make them enjoy it too. I love it that much.

  Tanu is happy for me. ‘I am so glad you made that trip, babes,’ she says.