Mansfield Ranch (The Jane Austen Diaries)

  What was wrong with me, anyway? How did I manage to alienate so many people, but attract the one guy I didn’t want? Ugh. Why did I even go to school? Why did I even try?

  I knew why. To get away from home. I was the kid who went to school every day, even when I was sick, so I didn’t have to be at home. Stephanie Benally would’ve made me her indentured servant. I had learned really quickly that if I didn’t want to rush back and forth getting her drinks and snacks and the phone and anything else she wanted while she watched her shows, I’d better go to school.

  I kicked a rock with my shoe and watched it bounce out into the road. It was only one of the busiest streets on the Bloomfield Highway. A lot of people sped past, and I didn’t even want to think about what I looked like to everyone. Teen girl with a backpack obviously going to be late for school . . . I’m sure that if anyone recognized me, I’d be in even bigger trouble.

  I blinked up at the sun and willed myself not to cry. There were days when I really had to remind myself how much better it was to be with the Benallys than at the Children’s Home. But then again, there were days like today when I wondered what it’d be like just to be a kid in that place again.

  No. I shook my head. No, this was better. This was a hundred times better.

  But it really began to mess me up. It was hard to be the one no one wanted. Not even my own parents wanted me. I frowned and then took a deep breath.

  Enough. This ultra-sadness wasn’t going to make anything better. I had to choose my own happiness. I had to decide I wanted a better life and see the good. There was good, a lot of it. Like, at least it wasn’t snowing right now. That was a plus.

  Now, tomorrow—one never knew, but that was tomorrow. A million things could happen between now and then. I picked up my pace again and was still trying to convince myself to remain positive about twenty minutes later when I heard a car honk in front of me.

  Harrison flipped a U-turn and pulled over on the side of the road.

  Um, no. I kept walking.

  I heard him get out of the car. “Lilly! Come on, don’t do this. Lauren said she dropped you off. Let me take you to school.”

  I didn’t even give him the satisfaction of an answer.

  “Look, I totally regret last night, okay?” He jogged to catch up with me. “Now come with me. School started about five minutes ago. If we hurry, you won’t miss much.”

  I didn’t look at him.

  “You’re not even going to talk to me? Really? Lilly, give me a break. So I was a jerk last night. So I wanted to move things a little faster than you were ready for. Okay. I get it. You can kick my trash. Now let me give you a ride. You don’t have to be out here in the cold just because your sister can’t handle rejection.”

  Rejection? I stopped, whipped my head around, and glared. I barely registered his swollen nose and bruised eye. I couldn’t have cared less.

  “Yes, I broke up with her. I’m done playing games. I’ve told you that. You’re the one I really want, and I’m sick of all this pretense. So I told her so. All of that, actually. I told her I was in love with you and she could get over it.”

  I hated him. I so hated him.

  He grinned a lopsided grin. “So, are you ready to ride to school now? I have no problem being the guy who saves you. Now you’ll finally be treated like you deserve.”

  If he was any closer, I would’ve shoved him into traffic. Treat me like I deserve? Like what? What treatment does he believe I deserve? Sleeping with him? Is that it? He’d seriously messed with the wrong girl.

  I walked faster.

  “Lilly!” He sighed. “Geez, why are you so freakin’ stubborn? It’s like you’re your own brand of bull.”

  Nice. Just nice. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anyone anymore. I was so done with everything.

  Harrison grabbed my arm, and I decked him in the bruised eye. Just like that. Wham! On the side of the road and everything. Before I’d even fully realized what I’d done, he was swearing and covering his face again.

  Then I lost it. Really, just lost it. “Don’t you EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN! EVER! I don’t want anything to do with you. I will never see you again, and you can deal with that yourself! You should’ve kept my sister. At least she’d have been flattered by you!”

  “Lilly.” His voice was deep and measured and demanding. “Don’t mess with me. I chose you. I will win, and you will like it. You’ll see. You’ll like everything I give you. I will make you fall in love with me if it’s the last thing I do.”

  I kept walking as he continued to speak behind me.

  “You think Sean cares about you? You really think he does? Who cares about you, Lilly Price? Think about it! Who comes when you need him? Who’s always there for you? Sean doesn’t care about anyone but himself! And now he’s with my sister. So you think really long and hard about why you’re leaving me. Because if you don’t realize how awesome I am, there isn’t anyone in this town who’ll want you!”

  I hated him. I so hated him.

  And I cried. Tears froze to my cheeks as I kept walking.

  I would go to school alone. I would be all alone. And everyone could despise me, for all I cared. I wasn’t going to break for anyone, least of all Harrison Crawford.

  After Harrison’s car sped past me, I brushed at a cheek. My hand stung from hitting him again. But I didn’t care about that, either.

  I couldn’t.

  If I began to care, everything else would really hurt. His words would mean so much more. So very much more, because I’d know how true they really were.

  ***

  I made it to school, but the day only got worse. Lauren had announced to all her friends that I’d stolen her boyfriend. Never mind that it was this side of last week that they were calling me Mrs. Crawford—now apparently I was the cow who stole boyfriends.

  Everyone, and I mean everyone, sneered at me and gave me nasty looks as I walked past. Oh, and the best part? Apparently Harrison fell trying to get out of my bedroom window last night, which was why his face looked the way it did. I’m sure that little part of the rumor was his doing, or at least he didn’t try to deny it when it spread like wildfire. And believe me, everyone was more than happy to spread the news of me being a cheating tramp.

  I was done. I’d been a freak for too long. Now I was actually riding the gossip train. Train? More like train wreck. It was awful. And honestly, I wanted to be anyone but me.

  I thought it couldn’t get any worse. I really thought it couldn’t, but when I came home from school extra late—yeah, I had to walk home, too—I went in to speak with Mr. Benally, hoping to share what had been happening and maybe earn my truck back. I learned two things:

  One, Harrison had already talked to him. And two, Mr. Benally had received a letter that would change my life forever.

  Chapter Seventeen: Reality Blues

  “I’m glad to see you, Lilly,” Mr. Benally said as I entered his office. “You just missed Harrison Crawford. He came to apologize for a misunderstanding you two had last night.”

  “Did he?” I folded my arms. What was Harrison doing, talking to my family?

  “Yes, and it was a very impressive apology.”

  “I’ll bet.”

  He stood up and took off his glasses. “Lilly, he asked very properly if he could begin dating you. I have to say, I’ve never met a more polite young man in all my life. Why, to be so formal was very impressive indeed.”

  I thought I was going to be sick. “And what did you say to him?”

  “I immediately thanked him for treating you with such respect and told him I’m more than happy if he chooses to date any of my daughters, including my foster daughter.”

  “No.” I groaned.

  “You don’t seem happy. Is something wrong?”

  “Yes, everything. I don’t like him. We have nothing in common and he’s a jerk.”

  “But Harrison is in sports, he’s handsome, and he’s very polite. What’s not to like about him?”

>   I threw my hands in the air. “He attempted to take advantage of me last night in the barn!”

  He shook his head. “Stop being so melodramatic, Lilly. Harrison explained that he was confused by your actions and felt completely horrid. So much so, he even let you hit him.” He grinned. “Very impressive bruise you gave him, too.”

  “He let me hit him?” Was the guy out of his ever-loving mind?

  “He’s desperate to apologize and make things right for our family. He’s very concerned, and wishes to try again.”

  “Yeah, he’s probably worried I’ll tell someone. I should’ve told someone and called the cops.”

  “Lilly Price, I will not have you speaking this way of our neighbor. It was a misunderstanding.”

  My heart went cold. “Really?” I looked at him hard. “Really? Were you there? Did you hear what he said to me?” I walked up to his desk. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe he came here to cover his butt? That maybe he was feeling more than guilt and was worried we’d all realize what a loser he really is?”

  Mr. Benally coughed.

  “You know me. You know I don’t put up with junk from anyone. But mostly you know that I’m fair.” I jabbed my finger into his desk. “And if I’m telling you right here and now that I don’t like that guy, you need to trust me that maybe I have a good reason not to.”

  He folded his arms. “Okay. If that’s how you feel, we certainly can’t have you dating him.”

  “Do you believe me?”

  “Does it matter? You clearly have your own ideas and reasons. Who am I to tell you otherwise? Would you listen if I did?”

  “No.”

  “Very well.” He placed his glasses back on his nose. “Then I guess this leaves me no choice but to talk to you about something much more serious than the latest boy in your life.”

  “More serious?”

  He pointed to the chair. “Sit down. We need to talk.”

  My hands shook a bit as I slid into the chair, but I quickly tucked them under my legs. “Yes? What is it?” I couldn’t even fathom what had happened now. Did my grades slip? Did the school call him? What would I lose now?

  He sat down in his chair, pulled an opened envelope from the top drawer, and placed it between us on his desk. “I got that a few days ago.”

  “Oh?”

  He paused a few moments before he said, “It’s about you. And I’m not sure what to do. I was going to write back and tell them you wouldn’t be going, but now I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be a good idea.”

  Dread began to seep into my nervousness, but I managed to keep it at bay. “Go where?”

  “You can read it all for yourself in a minute.” He leaned forward, placing his elbows on the desk and steepling his fingers. “It would seem you have a grandmother who has asked for you to come back to the reservation and help her.”

  “I—what? I have family?” Why didn’t anyone tell me about this before?

  “She’s just come forward.”

  “Wow. I have family.” I leaned back in my chair. “I have a grandma. That is so cool!”

  “You say that, but—”

  “She wants to meet me? I’d love to meet her!” I sat back up. “When? Where?”

  “You misunderstand, Lilly. She wants you to live with her.”

  “Oh.” I was confused. “You mean, move away from here?”

  “Yes, she would become your guardian.”

  I gulped. “So I wouldn’t be in foster care anymore?”

  “No.”

  “Oh.” I would never see Sean again. I didn’t think I could handle it. “Where does she live?”

  “In a trailer just north of Shiprock.”

  “Wow.” Almost an hour away. A trailer would be a vast difference from this huge ranch, but it’d be better than nothing. If I got to know my family, if my grandmother could answer the questions I had about my parents, it’d be worth it. “Do I have any other relatives?”

  “I’m not certain how many relations you have. But the letter mentioned you’d do homeschooling so she could use you to babysit some of your younger cousins while she goes back to work.”

  “I’m sorry—she needs me to babysit?”

  He didn’t meet my eyes. “Yes.”

  “And I won’t go to the high school out there?”

  “No. I’m assuming it’s an online homeschool system.”

  I nodded blindly. “Do you mind if I think about this? Have you answered her back or anything?”

  “No. Here.” He passed over the letter. “Read it. Think about it.” He looked at me thoughtfully. “You know, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea just to finish off the school year out there. Wait until everything around here blows over, and then if you want to come back here and stay with us, you can.”

  “Really? It wouldn’t be permanent?”

  “No. Not unless you’re okay with that. Your grandmother doesn’t want you doing anything you wouldn’t like, anyway. She needs help with the children and would prefer to become your guardian, but we could probably tweak some things here and there to guarantee that you come back. I worry about the differences between the lifestyles you’ll experience. But then again, I was raised on the reservation, and I’m so glad I was. It taught me great family values and lessons, mostly on how to succeed and do so without losing your roots. Have you ever been to the reservation before?”

  “No.” I was born there, but I didn’t remember anything about it.

  He took a deep breath. “Well then, think about it. It might be nice to understand a bit more of your culture.”

  “Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say.

  He chuckled and shooed me with his hand. “Yes, you can leave now. Read the letter and think about it. Let me know what you decide.”

  I made it to my room fine, but by the time I plopped on the bed, the agitation really began to rise. So I had a grandma and she’d known about me all these years, but never bothered to contact me until I was old enough to babysit for her? She watches those kids just fine, but not me? There were too many questions, too many painful truths to have to bear. I would leave here. Leave being the school freak to move to a place where I would take care of children all day—take care of my own cousins.

  I fluffed up my pillow. It was a chance to get to know the only family I had. To be loved and treated equally. How much would someone give up for that experience, just to know they truly belonged somewhere?

  But I wouldn’t see Sean. I sighed. Sean didn’t want me anyway. He’d made it clear. I didn’t want Harrison, and being that far away would guarantee that I wouldn’t have to deal with him. Honestly, it did seem like the perfect solution to my life right then—an opportunity to find me.

  And then I thought of Princess Buttercup and curled up into my pillow and cried and cried and cried. Would I ever see her again?

  Later that evening, Sean must’ve noticed I didn’t make it for dinner because he knocked on my door. “Hey, you, can I come in?”

  I sat up, wiping at my face and tucking my hair behind my ears. “Sure.”

  He walked in the room and then saw my face. “What’s up?” he asked as he grabbed my desk chair and sat on it backwards. “You okay?”

  No. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

  “Wanna talk about it?”

  I handed him the letter instead. It was tearstained and wrinkled, but it was still legible.

  I watched his furrowed brow and dark hair as he read the letter. He pursed his lips, but still continued on until he was done. Then those brown eyes locked with mine. “Wow.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “You have a grandma. And cousins.”

  I bit my lip and nodded.

  “And they want to get to know you.”

  “I know.”

  “Lilly, this is amazing!”

  I stared at him. Is it? I didn’t say a word out loud.

  After a moment, Sean inhaled. “Oh. You’d be living there. Permanently. Not just visiting.”
br />   “Yep.”

  “Away from here, in Shiprock somewhere.”

  I didn’t blink.

  “It’s always been your dream to find your real family.”

  I thought I might cry again. I finally looked away.

  “Lilly, I don’t know what I’d . . . I hadn’t thought that fulfilling your dreams would be . . . when do you leave?”

  I shrugged.

  He took a deep breath. “Are you going, then?”

  I met his gaze again. “Do I have a choice?”

  “You always have a choice. But what is your heart telling you?”

  That I should never, ever leave your side. “That it’s time I went.”

  He reacted like someone had punched him. “Okay.”

  “I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go at all. But if I don’t . . .” I trailed off.

  “If you don’t, you’ll never know for yourself.”

  “Yes.”

  “I love you.”

  “I know.”

  He dropped the paper and leaned over and grabbed my hand. “Don’t.”

  “Don’t do what, Sean? Stay here and watch you fall in love with someone else? Continue to be belittled and treated like I’m nothing here? Hate school? What, Sean? What should I not do?”

  “Leave me.”

  I knew then what cruelty was. It wasn’t mocking from Harrison. It wasn’t gossip and lies and being left on the side of the road. Cruelty was the guy I was in love with telling me not to leave, knowing full well he didn’t want to be in love with me, but begging me to stay anyway.

  I cried. Stupid, hopeless, ugly tears. I was a right mess, but I didn’t care.

  Sean got up from the chair and the next thing I knew, he was holding me while I sniffled into his shirt.

  “What will I do without you?” he whispered. “You’re the only bright spot in this home. I’ll miss you more than a thousand sunrises.”