Mansfield Ranch (The Jane Austen Diaries)

  And still I continued to cry. I cried for everything I never had. For everything I ever wanted. For everything I needed. None of it made sense or was worth anything beyond this moment because nothing changed. It didn’t change the fact that I was going to go.

  “Good-bye, Sean. I love you too.”

  When we finally broke away, it took a few moments before I was able to meet his eyes. It was the first time I’d ever seen him emotional. I brushed at his cheeks and smirked, attempting to say something sarcastic. But then I saw the hurt deep within his gaze and I shook my head. “No, this isn’t about you anymore. It can’t be.”

  He closed his eyes. “I’m so dang selfish, aren’t I?”

  “If anyone gets to cry, I do. You made your choice.”

  He kissed me then.

  Afterward, he whispered, “Go, but know I’ll miss you every moment until you decide to come back.”

  “Liar. You will not. You’ll fall in love and move on as you should.”

  He stared into my eyes. “As we both should.”

  I nodded. Fat chance that’d ever happen.

  Chapter 18: Facing the Past

  A week later, my bags were packed and I found myself riding with Sean and Mr. Benally to Shiprock. The drive was pretty as we bypassed Farmington and then Kirtland. My favorite was the Waterflow area. The road traveled higher than the farmland below. Looking out onto the scenery with the sparkling river, it seemed magical. Though it’d been cold, some of the changing leaves were left on the trees, and the grass was still green.

  Driving into Shiprock, I could see the huge rock that had given the city its name off in the distance. Its reddish, ragged form jutted from the earth as if out of nowhere. There were a few movies that had been filmed in Shiprock recently, including The Host and The Lone Ranger. I smiled when I was in the theater and recognized the landmark. It made the movie more special to see somewhere close to home in it.

  Home. Ironically, now Shiprock was my home.

  I took a deep breath. Fittingly, the song Brave by Sara Bareilles came on my iPod. I turned it up and closed my eyes, allowing the lyrics to wash over me. I needed this song right now. I so needed it.

  My stomach tossed as we pulled up to an older-model trailer. It looked like it’d been built in the seventies. It was amazing it was still standing, actually. And then I felt a momentary stab of guilt for being so judgmental. It was clear that my grandma didn’t have much money.

  I got out of the car and Sean waited for me as we walked up to the shabby stairs outside the front door.

  Mr. Benally knocked and Sean and I stayed off the rickety steps. I was afraid they might topple over. As we waited, I held my breath to keep the nervousness at bay.

  An older Native American woman with thick gray hair came to the door. She was plump and full of smiles. “Lilly?” she called, her eyes squinting a bit as she found me. “Lilly!”

  I quickly went up the stairs so she’d have no reason to climb down them for me. Getting up and down the steps couldn’t be easy for someone her age.

  The old woman folded me into a surprisingly strong hug. “Hello!” Then she pulled back and looked me up and down. “Well, well, I never would’ve thought my daughter would produce such a beautiful girl! Welcome.” She ushered us inside and beckoned to Sean. “You too, handsome one. Come in, come in.”

  The living room was small and dingy, with outdated orange couches. At least I thought they were orange—I couldn’t quite tell with all the boxes, clothing, and blankets strewn on them. Just as she was about to shut the door, two cats appeared out of thin air and rushed out of the house. It was then that I noticed a faint barking coming from a back room.

  The older woman bustled around, picking up clothes and the like. Sean quickly came to her aid and removed a few of the boxes and set them on the floor.

  “Thank you, young man. Here. Here! Sit,” she said with a smile to me and Mr. Benally.

  We both sat down on the same couch. Sean took the one to the side of us, and my grandmother perched on an ancient rocking chair. “These are nice, eh?” She grinned and nodded toward the furniture.

  “Yes.” I smiled to be polite. They were a far cry from the plush, high-end couches I was used to.

  “You hungry?” she asked Mr. Benally. “I’ve got mutton on the stove and fry bread ready to be cooked.”

  “I—”

  I could tell he was about to say no. She must have too, for in the next second she overrode him. “No. You’re too skinny. You need good native food.”

  Sean chuckled and we shared a look.

  “You too!” she scolded Sean.

  The woman was sharp and frank. But I liked her. Perhaps she’s where I came by my own blunt ways.

  Mr. Benally made small talk about a recipe for fry bread as I glanced around the place. It was definitely in need of a good scrubbing. I thought of going to work immediately, but realized it might be a tad rude. Honestly, though, I was a bit terrified of the bugs I’d find if I didn’t. This house really did need a ceiling-to-floor overhaul. I looked down a short hallway and wondered which room was mine.

  Just then, two raggedy-looking kids burst into the house. One was about six and the other four.

  “No!” shouted what looked to be a little girl with long hair and jeans and a white shirt as she chased the older one, who was laughing and dodging her attempts to grab him.

  “George!” shouted my grandma. “You stop your yelling. We have guests, see?”

  The younger one stopped and looked at me. Her large black eyes blinked.

  That’s when it dawned on me that this was George. And he was a boy, not a girl.

  “Are you my cousin?” he asked me.

  I smiled. “Yes.”

  “You be watching me and Nelvin?”

  I looked at the older boy. “Yes, I believe so.”

  “Good.” He folded his arms. “Make him gimme back my truck!”

  “What?” Nelvin laughed again and began to run. “No! It’s mine. It’s mine!”

  George started to whine.

  “Enough! Out! Go. Both of you. Go play outside,” Grandma shouted.

  They roared around the small room, jumping over boxes and the laundry that had been dumped next to the couches, and then they roared themselves right outside.

  “Do they live here?” I asked.

  Grandma nodded. “Yes. I’ve given you the room they’re in.”

  Sean glanced at me and then he said, “So you mean, Lilly will be in the same room as the two boys?”

  “Yep.” She got off the rocking chair with a grunt. “The other room already has them other girls in it.” She motioned for me to follow as she walked slowly toward the hallway. “Since you’ll be the babysitter of them, I figured you wouldn’t mind sharing their room. Your uncle Hector, their dad, is out on the couch, and I can’t have you in here with him. He’s way too noisy.”

  I tried not to let the panic I began to feel overwhelm me.

  The old lady opened the first door and smiled. “So this is your room. We’ve given you your own bed.”

  I peeked in and my stomach twisted in knots. There against a scribbled-on wall was a small futon, and thankfully it was clean, with what looked to be new sheets, blanket, and pillow. However, the rest of the room was in complete shambles. Clothes, toys, shoes, trash, and extra papers were strewn everywhere. It was awful.

  She was watching me, so I smiled and said, “Thank you. The bed looks nice.”

  She nodded. “Good. I’m glad you’re happy.” She turned away from the door and slowly walked back toward the living room. “You go and get your things while I make some fry bread for dinner.”

  “Okay.” I took another look at the horrific mess and sighed. “Welcome home,” I whispered under my breath.

  “It’s worse than I imagined,” Sean said near my ear, causing me to jump.

  “Yeesh! Why would you sneak up on me like that?”

  He chuckled and then sobered up as he caught the full
view of my room. “Let’s go. You’re not staying here—I refuse to allow you to live like this.”

  My heart beat happily at his concern, but I quickly willed it to stop. “You don’t have a choice in my decision.”

  “Are you kidding me?” His jaw dropped. “This is not where you want to live.”

  No. It wasn’t ideal, but it was family. “Are you saying you’re too good for my relatives?”

  He yanked a hand through his thick black hair. “You know I didn’t mean that at all. But Lilly, you won’t be happy here. You need privacy. You need a lot of time alone. You need to ride, and . . .” I must’ve made a face when he mentioned horseback riding because his voice trailed off. “Then at the very least, promise me you’ll walk. A lot.”

  I nodded. “Of course. I’m sure I’ll be able to do lots of walking around here.”

  He hugged me, smooshed me right into his shoulder and held me tight. “Please don’t do this. I can’t bear to think that you would run away from me to this. I can’t even fathom what I’ve forced you to accept.”

  This was getting way too melodramatic and my pride wouldn’t allow me to acknowledge it. I pushed him away. “You haven’t forced me to accept anything, so stop. I’m here because I need to understand my family. I’m here because it’s time I knew what the other half of the world lives like. I’m here so I can grow and find me. Me. I’m here because of me. That’s it.”

  He leaned his arm against the doorframe and brushed a strand of hair from my face. “You are the most stubborn girl I’ve ever met. You know that, Lilly Price?”

  “Will you call me sometimes? And text? And e-mail? And you know, keep in touch?”

  “When are you coming home? How many months does that calendar need to be?”

  I chuckled. “What calendar?” Sometimes he was such a dork.

  “The one I’ll have hanging in my room, the one that will be crossed off every morning counting down when you’ll be home.”

  I loved him then. I had already loved him, but I really, really loved him right then. “I don’t know.”

  “Pick a date.” He looked down at the floor, and then his dark gaze met mine. “Give me something, anything, even if you don’t mean it. Give me something here. I need it.”

  I leaned forward and gently kissed his cheek. “You don’t need me, Sean. You need to find you. Just like I need to find me.”

  “I want my best friend. I want the girl who’ll spray me with water when I’m being a jerk, who’ll tell me off and laugh louder and run faster and outshoot and outride me any day. And I won’t be settled until I have her back in my world again.”

  “Careful what you say, Sean. It might make me think you actually wanted me for keeps, and not just as a sister.”

  He scrunched up his face and closed his eyes. “I hate you.”

  “Good. Then we’re even.”

  He lightly pounded the side of the frame with his fist. “All right, I will find me.” He took a deep breath. “And when you come back—because I won’t settle for anything less—we’ll see if anything has changed.”

  “Anything between us?”

  “Yes.”

  “And if we still feel the same?” I placed my hand over his heart. “If this still cares for me and only me, then what?”

  “We’ll accept fate and stop fighting what we know is right.”

  I caught my breath. And covered my face with my hands. With one sentence, he’d completely destroyed any hold I had left over my emotions. The only thing I’d ever hoped to hear from him had just been said. I began to cry. My shoulders shook, and those dang tears would not stop for anything. Not even when he held me again.

  “I promise you, I won’t ever hurt you again. Do you understand me? If this is truly real and meant to be, it will happen, no matter how hard either of us tries to resist it. Even I realize I can’t fight it forever.”

  I sniffed into his neck and took long, slow breaths to calm myself.

  “Be strong. Don’t let anybody boss you around.”

  I sniffed again.

  “And have fun. I know you will. You can find fun anywhere. You’re the one girl who can turn any negative into a positive. You will thrive.”

  “Thank you.” I wiped my eyes.

  I felt his lips press onto my forehead. “Okay, my feisty girl. Let’s get your bags. The sooner we get you put up in this place, the sooner I get you back.”

  I chuckled. “Give me until the summer. And then we’ll see, okay?”

  “I may just die, but all right.”

  I nudged him with my elbow. “Whatever. At least you have a proper bed to sleep on.”

  “And my own room!”

  I laughed. “Brat.” Man, I was gonna miss him.

  Chapter 19: Forget Me Not

  And that was the last I’d heard from Sean. Seriously, it was a month later, nearly Thanksgiving, and I still hadn’t heard a word from him. I had absolutely no cell phone coverage out in the trailer. None at all. I’d written him a couple of Facebook messages, but since he rarely got on the site, I decided to e-mail him. Apparently he was super busy because I never received a response.

  However, I did get a friend request from Julia about a week after I’d gotten here. And she, surprisingly enough, was the one informing me of everything going on. Since I’d blocked Harrison way before that, I was actually kind of desperate to be kept in some sort of loop, so it was a godsend when Julia connected with me. But it did come with a double-edged sword.

  I would have to be blind not to notice the new photos of her and Sean all over her profile or the constant romantic music videos she posted. Some of her updates made me positively sick, like the one a couple of weeks ago:

  Our neighbors are the best! Sean came over to help rake the last of the leaves. Of course, it was wasted the next hour when we jumped into the piles and had a huge leaf fight. #HappyFall

  Or the one she’d posted today:

  Sean just kidnapped me to grab some hot chocolate and work on our lines for the musical! So much fun!

  I sighed and shut my laptop. There was no use staring at a life that wasn’t my own anymore, or to get so worked up over Sean doing the exact thing he said he would. I looked around my room. Thankfully, it was orderly. That was the first thing I’d done when I moved in—cleaned and organized the house. I’d gone to work the next day and by the end of the second week, I’d managed to get the whole place gleaming. Now it was pretty easy to keep on top of it.

  If only I was able to get the boys settled down and the girls liking me, all might be right in my little world.

  I smirked. No, it would never be perfectly right, but at least I could cope with the chaos of it a little better. I got off the bed and wandered into the kitchen. My enchiladas were almost done and they smelled amazing. I shredded some lettuce and got the sour cream out of the fridge.

  I had never known the value of government-funded food until I came here. If we were to actually live off what my grandma made without the state of New Mexico’s help, we’d be eating mud pies for dinner every night. I thanked my lucky stars as I pulled the enchiladas out of the oven and quickly transferred them to plates, allowing them to cool as I added lettuce and sour cream to each one.

  As soon as that was done, I slipped the brownies I’d made from scratch into the oven and set the timer. Then I pulled out forks and poured water into cups that I collected from the dishwasher.

  “Who’s the hungriest?” I called out. Five kids scrambled from everywhere. Doors slammed, walls were bumped into, feet stomped toward me. “Youngest first!”

  George pushed his way through the other kids and grinned up at me. I gasped at his dirty face and then immediately swooped him up and took him to the sink to be washed. Once he was shiny and clean again, I handed him his plate. He clutched it with both hands and cautiously made his way to the spot in the living room I’d dedicated for him.

  After the other kids had their plates, I reserved one for my uncle and another for my grandmothe
r, since they wouldn’t come home until much later, and then made my way onto a couch to eat with the other kids.

  How I missed having a proper table and chairs, but with the TV and couches, there simply wasn’t room for a dining set as well. The house was blissfully quiet for a few moments as the kids gobbled up my enchiladas.

  The oldest two girls were at school all day with Nelvin, but the youngest was always home with me and George. Nascha was an adorable little two-year-old cherub with chubby cheeks, slanted black eyes, and thick, shiny black hair. She was extremely cheerful—unless she was screaming. She seemed to be at two ends of the spectrum, either giddily happy or horrendously upset.

  Right now, she was eating, so she was happy. It’d taken a couple of weeks before the kids were comfortable enough with my cooking not to complain when I made something.

  Just as I was standing up to fetch some water for one of the kids, my laptop beeped. I quickly served the water and went to the bedroom. I had a message waiting for me.

  It was Julia. I opened it up and read:

  Hey, Gorgeous! It’s Harrison. Julia left her Facebook open so I’m taking a moment to message you. And yes, I do stalk you from time to time to see what you’re up to, so don’t even ask. I just can’t help myself.

  Look, Lilly, I acted like the biggest jerk, and I’m sorry. I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but a guy can hope. I think we all make mistakes sometimes. Mine was believing I could make you fall for me when you clearly didn’t want me.

  I am the biggest loser who has ever lived. I know I am. And I just wanted you to know that since that day, I’ve changed. Really, really changed. It’s you I think of when I realize I’m about to do something stupid. I see your face and wonder what you would’ve done or said in each situation.

  I miss you. I want to show you how different I am. And I’m sorry. I seriously feel like this is all my fault. You moved away because I was a jerk and it messes me up. Out of all the people in the world to lose, I never thought I’d be stupid enough to lose you.

  Anyway, I hope one day you can forgive me. I hope you’re enjoying your adventure out in the boondocks. You deserve awesomeness.