Incurable Hearts

  CHAPTER NINE

  Part One…Jasmine

  “Hey, wakey wakey.” Christopher said lightly shaking my shoulder because we were home. My home. Henry had picked us up as soon as we were walking off the plane, as soon as we drove away from the airport I fell asleep. The journey home had wiped me out, physically I had had a good weekend, which was what I was hoping to achieve. Emotionally it was draining because my conscious was weighing heavy over Christopher. When we landed back in the UK Christopher turned his mobile phone back on, he received a text from Jase telling him what happened to Leigh, thankfully no one had a clue about who it was who had kicked the crap out of him, he mainly had cuts and bruises but he had suffered a fractured cheekbone and four broken ribs. Good.

  “We are here already?” I said gruffly coughing to clear my throat. He laughed at my sleepiness and picked me up in a bridal style and carried me up to my bedroom. He looked like he was debating about staying.

  “You are staying aren’t you?” I asked propping myself up suddenly wide awake,

  “Well I suppose it is closer for work,” He said trying not to laugh.

  “Work ay? No other reason?” I asked raising my eyebrows, flirting.

  “I am sure I could think of some other reasons too, maybe I should stay so I can think about them.” He said joining me on the bed.

  “What are those pills you take for?” He asked out of nowhere.

  This is not what I was planning on talking about; talking wasn’t what I was planning at all. Sighing loud enough for him to hear I got off the bed and began undressing.

  “Vitamins.” I lied mumbling, he frowned at my lie obviously not believing me.

  “This is one of those ‘I won’t tell you things’ isn’t it?” He asked.

  I silently agreed and went to retrieve my nightdress.

  “You don’t have to tell me, I worry that is all.” He said kissing my neck softly.

  I hadn’t heard him follow me. I couldn’t help the tears that fell from my eyes. This has to end. I couldn’t keep hiding the truth from him as well as keep putting myself through this torment of trying to have a normal relationship when I will never be able to have him. Not normally.

  Tonight had to count, tonight was my last night to have a piece of him that I could keep locked away with me until this tumour defeated my life. I turned around, closed my eyes trying to savour this moment as long as possible and kissed him with all of my strength I could find.

  “I love you Jasmine Collins,” He whispered into my hair, my heart smashed into a thousand pieces.

  “No.” I whispered even quieter, this isn’t happening, I am dreaming. That is it, I am dreaming, I will wake in the morning and I will tell him it is over between us. I will never let it get that far.

  “No?”

  His voice unusually high for a man. Shit, I am not dreaming then. I got out of bed leaving him looking up at me confused and wanting answers, no not answers. He was waiting for me to say it back but I can't.

  “Jas I just told you I loved you. I didn’t expect you to say it back but no, what does that mean?” He asked.

  Standing still wasn’t helping my racing pulse. I began pacing the room trying to find the words that wouldn’t hurt him too much. What the hell am I thinking? Anything I say is going to rip him apart, he is a man in love and the woman he loves is about to blow his world apart. Nothing I was going to say was going to make this better. My name is Jasmine Collins, I am a strong independent woman, I can do this or that is what I tell myself when I don’t know what to do. It doesn’t work this time though, this time I am in a situation I have no control over. He is still waiting for my answer. This is not going to be pretty but it has to be done, better for him to be upset for a while because our relationship didn’t work out rather than to grieve for a dead girlfriend who lied to him throughout the whole relationship.

  “It is wrong, you can’t love me.” I begin.

  “Why can’t I? What is so wrong about that?” He shouted.

  Tears flowed freely down my face,

  “You were never meant to fall in love with me, I told you, you would be the only one to get hurt. I warned you and you still didn’t listen.” I shouted back.

  I turned my back to him, I didn’t need him seeing me this hurt, he would never believe my words and leave.

  “It looks like you are hurting just as much as I am,” He said sarcastically.

  That was enough. I turned back to him. Somehow my tears had dried up and once again stood Miss Collins.

  “I warned you that you would get hurt, this is what you get for not listening to me. You could never understand. We were nothing more than fun. You are a fool for thinking anymore was in it. Look around you this is my life not yours. All you will ever be is a labourer with big dreams and no backbone to follow them. There could never be more to us than sex.” I said finishing my lashing at him.

  He didn’t say anything, I don’t know how I managed not to break down and take back what I said, tell him I didn’t mean it and tell him the truth but I remained stone faced staring at his hurt expression. I broke him; it was plain to see to anyone.

  His silence as he left the room spoke more than a million words, he didn’t try to argue back or change my mind, he just left.

  It could have been a minute or an hour that I stood there replaying the last ten minutes in my head trying to make sense of what had happened but the outcome was always the same. Christopher had left and emotionally I died; now all that is left is to wait for my body to catch up and die too. Sometime in my trance I had slid down and sat on the floor, hours had passed and I was shivering from only being in my robe. As soon as I saw Henry in the doorway I was in his arms before I knew I had moved, he let me cry until I couldn’t cry any longer. My eyes felt puffy and sore; I had no energy to even breath. Henry continued to console me wrapped in his arms like a child with her father.

  “All the money I have and I still can’t have the one thing I want most.” I said finally breaking the silence.

  “I have been stupid thinking I could have him in my life on my terms. Look at me I am a joke. I should have known I couldn’t have what other people have.” I said softly more to myself than to Henry.

  “That man loves you, the way he looks at you, his protectiveness. I doubt there is nothing he won’t do for you. Tell him the truth Jasmine, you can’t lose him again at this point, can you?” He had called me Jasmine.

  This was what it was meant to be like having a father around to help his little girl through her heartbreak but I had my driver. In that moment he became my father figure and we both knew it. If only it was that easy to tell Christopher the truth, I told myself all night it was better for him this way.

  “You should have seen his face Henry, I didn’t just break his heart I ripped it apart and trod on all the pieces, I can’t tell him the truth.”

  “In nearly nine years I have been working for you, I have never truly seen you as happy as you have been the last few weeks and it is because of Chris. You love him,” He said.

  He didn’t need to waste his time make me see it. I knew I loved him. I wouldn’t be in this much pain knowing I was the cause of hurting him if I didn’t love him.

  “I don’t know what to do.” I said.

  I could hear myself begging for him to tell me what to do, to make the decision for me.

  “You are the strongest, bravest women I know but you are also one of the most stubborn women I know. You have been untouchable for so long, with Chris you may not have told him the truth but you did open yourself to him and he didn’t run then, did he?” He said.

  “Nothing I told him was life threatening.” I counteracted.

  “No it wasn’t, but if you don’t try you will never know. I don’t want you to die feeling like this, you don’t want to die with regrets, not ones like this,” he said.

  We sat in silence for a while longer. He certainly gave me a lot to think about. I don’t know when he left the room but I found
myself laying on my bed playing different scenarios in my head of what would happen if I sat Christopher down and told him I was dying, none of them ended well.

  Around seven o’clock the next morning I was up and dressed ready to leave for the office, I would work until the day I died. I would not let my empire die just because I was going to. Both Henry and Rose tried changing my mind, coming up with ideas for me to keep myself busy at home. I assured them I was fine and I was going back to work regardless of what they say.

  Leaving the house was the worst start to my day possible, walking to the car I saw Christopher walking across the drive to begin his work for the day. He acted like he hadn’t seen me but I saw the way he looked at me before he dropped his eyes from mine and composed himself and walked off.

  Walking into the office was better, I had arranged for Jennas desk to be transferred into my office so I could have my desk back. I felt all heads turn surprised to see me back, Jenna was sat at my desk when I walked in my office, she didn’t know if she should get up or stay sitting down, luckily for her she did the wise thing and vacated the chair. Luckily I had a large office, enough room to for her desk to fit in.

  “Move the sofa over by the window and put her desk there.” I said to two men from human resources, Jenna looked perplexed as to what I was doing here. I didn’t have the energy to explain, soon enough she got the idea and moved her things back in place. She filled me in on what she had done even though I had been reading her daily reports while I was away and spoke to her on the phone numerous times. It kept my mind busy for the rest of the day but not completely; on a few occasions Jenna had to bring me back from my thoughts. I couldn’t keep this up, not being with him and not being able to text him while he was working even though he was only on the other side of the house was excruciating, what was the point in me telling him? I couldn’t give him anything apart from a whole load of pain worse than he is feeling now. And if I didn’t tell him, I wouldn’t see him again. I never opened myself to anyone so I didn’t get hurt, from the first moment I bumped into him again I knew it would be trouble. I had been so set on having fun I didn’t want to see this coming.

  Henrys voice kept popping up in my head telling me to tell him the truth, I couldn’t lose him again because he wasn’t mine to lose now. He was right, the question I had to ask myself was, can I bring myself to tell him? I love him more than he would ever know but I am dying. Talk about one hell of a whirlwind love affair.

  I picked up my Blackberry; I couldn’t call him I had to see him. I called Henry instead, he arrived ten minutes later and I was ready to jump in the car.

  “Take me home I need to see him.” Was all I said.

  “He left the site before lunch and hasn’t returned,” Henry informed me, “Joe said he went home.”

  “Take me there then please.” I said buckling in for the short ride across town.

  In the fifteen minutes it took Henry to drive here I had changed my mind so many times and now sitting outside his house I didn’t even know if he was home. I couldn’t think about how I was going to begin, getting out of the car seemed to take too much effort at the moment. Henry had remained silent, thank god; if he got any quieter he would be able to hear my thoughts himself.

  You can do this Jasmine; just get out of the car!

  Before I lost my nerve – again – I got out of the car and knocked on his door. The last person in the world I expected to open it was his mother; she did not look happy, what the hell was she doing here?

  “What are you doing here?” She asked none to kindly, I deserved it though. She warned me not to hurt him and that is exactly what I have done.

  “I have come to see Christopher.” I said not letting her see how upset I am.

  “Well you can’t see him, you promised you wouldn’t hurt him and you have so leave. Just leave him alone.” Her voice was getting louder and louder. Actually I didn’t promise her.

  “I need to see him Fiona, it is important.” I said.

  Why wasn’t he coming to the door surely he could hear us shouting?

  “Your mother was right about you. You only care about yourself.”

  I deserve a lot when it comes to hurting Christopher but agreeing with my mother’s drunken rambles shocked me back, she used this advantage to shut the door. It soon clicked that I was fighting a losing battle, if Christopher wanted to see me he would have come to the door but he didn’t. I was about to accept defeat when the door opened and Natalie told me to come in. Great, the whole family was here.

  “I thought I told you to leave.” His mother said sounding cold.

  “I let her in, he will want to see her Fiona, if not it is up to him to ask her to leave. Not you.” Natalie said.

  She was a lifesaver; I smiled my appreciation at her.

  “Is he here?” I asked meekly not wanting to set his mother off again, she looked me up and down letting me know exactly what she thought of me.

  “He is passed out blind drunk in bed, Alex met him at the pub and brought him home. I drove Fiona over, he was in bit of a state.” Natalie answered when Fiona and Alex wouldn’t.

  “Is he okay?”

  “He will be when you leave him alone, he will get over you and it will be like you never existed.” Fiona said not bothering to look at me.

  Like I never existed, that sounds about right. Never the less it still hurt to hear her say the words.

  “Alex, stay and wait for your brother to wake up and make sure he is okay. I need to get out of here before I make matters worse.”

  Natalie followed her out miming she was sorry and hoped it all worked out. So do I.

  “I take it you hate me too.” I said to Alex sitting in the chair his mother had just vacated.

  I was going to wait until he woke up too, if I left now I won’t have the courage to come here again.

  “I don’t hate you. I am not happy about the state my brother is in but he is a grown man, and by the sounds of it you warned him it wasn’t meant to get serious.” He said slumping down on the sofa.

  “I never wanted to hurt him.” I say not sure if I was trying to convince him or make myself feel better.

  “But you did, look if your not here to declare your undying love for him maybe it is best if you left.”

  “I need to see him, what I have to say to him will make him understand and will be able to help him move on. He will be glad to be rid of me.” I said quietly.

  “If you think that then you really don’t know my brother at all.” He said.

  He made sure I knew the conversation was over when he turned the TV on and vividly flicked through all of the channels until he came across a football game. What a surprise.

  I called Henry to tell him to go home, if I needed him I would get a taxi home, he reluctantly left. Alex didn’t speak or look at me for the rest of the night; I remembered how long my mother would sleep for after being on a bender so I settled in for the night. After the football finished he found some action film to watch, I had never seen it before and I wasn’t interested in watching it now. He kept getting text messages, he never mentioned who they were from but I could guess they were from his mother or Natalie, probably both. Alex fell asleep shortly before the film finished, I felt like waking him up and telling him to go home but I knew he wouldn’t leave his brother, I can’t be trusted with him now, I am the big bad wolf so I left him be. I found a blanket and draped it over him. While he was asleep I took the time to properly look around Christopher’s place for the first time. It was very bachelor like, big leather sofas, a small coffee table in the middle of the room and by the looks of it he had a few cans of lager when he got home last night. By his television he had a game system set up with stacks of games and DVD piled high. On the wall he had hundreds of photos of him and his friends on holidays and nights out etc. I recognised some of his friends they used to be mine. Looking at them made me feel even more guilty, he looked happy in them, I got to the end and saw his recent additions of when we were
at the club, I finally saw what everyone else saw when he looked at me, in one of the photos I am smiling at the camera but Christopher is looking at me, I could see love in his eyes even then.

  I took it down and put it in my bag, if it didn’t work out after tonight I could at least have this picture of us both. The photo of us at the ball was on the wall too, someone – I am presuming a girl by the style of handwriting – had written CJ LOOKING DAPPER!!! At the top of it. I could think of a hundred words that described the way he looked that night and all of them ended with me wanting him even more. I sat down in the chair and continued to wait for him to wake up, I fell asleep a few times waking up to little noises, and this chair wasn’t the most comfortable to start with. The last time I woke up I heard someone moving around, I looked over to the sofa and Alex was still out for the count, it had to be Christopher.

  Part Two…Christopher

  Henry was waiting on the tarmac for us when we landed,

  “Nice trip Miss Collins?” He asked Jas.

  “Yes thank you, no problems.” She answered.

  Problems? Why would there have been problems? I turned my phone on and had a text message from Jase and Alex but it was Alex’s I was more interested in. Leigh hadn’t mentioned our names to the police, he suffered four broken ribs and a fractured cheekbone with cuts and bruises. He would be in pain but it still didn’t seem enough.

  “Hey, wakey wakey.” I said lightly shaking Jas’s shoulder when we got to her house.

  “Were here already?” She said in a husky voice coughing to clear her throat. She was cute when she was sleepy, I picked her up and carried her up to her room, we had such a good time over the weekend but I didn’t know if I should stay or not.

  “You are staying aren’t you?” She asked propping herself up on her elbows.

  “Well it is close by for work.” I teased.

  “Work ay? No other reason?” She said raising her eyebrows, flirting with me as usual.

  “I am sure I could think of some other reasons too, maybe I should stay and think about them.” I said joining her on the bed.