Incurable Hearts

  The pot of pills resurfaced to my mind, I really wanted to know what they were for. I thought we were making progress and she would feel comfortable telling me now.

  “What are those pill that you take?” I asked her.

  “Vitamins” She mumbled getting of the bed and undressed.

  It was obvious they were not vitamins.

  “This is one of those ‘I won't tell you things’ isn’t it?” I asked.

  She agreed and walked into the wardrobe. I quietly followed her.

  “You don’t have to tell me, I worry that is all.” I told her kissing her neck softly.

  I had upset her, when she turned to kiss me she had tears falling down her cheeks. I would have stopped the kiss if she weren’t so insistent; it was like she needed me in this way.

  “I love you Jasmine Collins.” I whispered into her hair laying next to her, I had wanted to tell her over the weekend but the time never felt right, until now.

  “No.” She whispered. Did I just hear that right?

  “No?” She said getting out of bed again looking down at me.

  “Jas, I just told you I loved you I didn’t expect you to say it back but no, what does that mean?” I asked, she was freaking out, I had opened my mouth and had ruined everything.

  “It is wrong, you can’t love me,” She said.

  “Why can’t I? What is so wrong about that?” My voice rising with each word I said.

  “You were never meant to fall in love with me, I told you, you would be the only one to get hurt, I warned you and you didn’t listen.” She shouted back turning away from me.

  “It looks like you are hurt just as much as I am.” I said sarcastically.

  When she turned back to me she was like a different person there were no tears.

  “I warned you that you would get hurt, this is what you get for listening to me, you could never understand. We were nothing more than fun. You are a fool for thinking anymore was in it. Look around you, this is my life not yours. All you will ever be is a labourer with big dreams and no backbone to follow them. There could never be anymore to us than sex,” She continued to shout at me.

  If she thought that why the fuck was I here? Every time I thought we were heading somewhere in our fucked up relationship if that is what you could call it, she would flip and push me back. I didn’t need this crap from her, she want going to pick me up and cast me off whenever she felt like it. I quickly got dressed and left her standing in her room. She had made it crystal clear she didn’t feel the same, she drove me crazy in all different kinds of ways but right now she was just crazy.

  I managed twenty minutes walking back to the city before I called Jase to come and pick me up; I waited another ten minutes for him to arrive.

  “You look like shit,” he said as I got in the car.

  “Thanks.” I scoffed at him.

  “What has happened?” He asked.

  “She is off her nut, that is what happened.” I said.

  I know I wasn’t being fair to her by not telling Jase the truth but come on, she had overreacted when I told her I loved her, I thought every women wanted to be told they were loved. Everything I had learnt about her over the last few weeks told me I would have been wasting my time fighting for her, I think the secret she is keeping from me was the real reason behind her reluctance to be with me but I think hell would freeze over before she told me if I was right or not.

  “ I told her I loved her.” I said quietly.

  I wasn’t planning on saying anything but I blurted it out before I could stop myself, I wasn’t worried, Jase wouldn’t judge me.

  “You told her what?” He said in shock.

  “You heard.” I said not in the mood to repeat myself.

  “It surprises me she doesn’t fell the same way especially the way you two are together.” He said.

  “She said it was wrong to love her, I know she feels the same way but it is like there is something stopping her.” I explained.

  Not that I was convinced by own theory but that is all I have to go by.

  “And you don’t have an idea what it could be?”

  “No. My feet haven’t touched the ground since I saw her again, I don’t have a clue what to think when I am around her. One minute she is full on with me and then in the next minute she is shouting and screaming being all cryptic with her reasons.” I said. Even when I said out loud it didn’t make sense.

  “To be honest mate, she sounds like every other women out there in the world. Your best of on your own, you haven’t done too badly over the years. I can arrange it with the lads for a night out in town?” I knew he was being a mate but the thought of hooking up with anyone but Jas made me feel sick. The look I threw him had him backtracking quickly.

  “Okay bad idea, what are you going to do about work in the morning in case you see her?”

  “We had been working there for weeks before we saw her I doubt we will see her now.” I said.

  “I will pick you up normal time then?” He said stopping by my house.

  “Thanks for this Jase.” I said.

  “No problem.”

  Once I was indoors I headed straight for the fridge where I knew there was alcohol. Eight cans of Stella Artios later her rejection didn’t feel any better but falling asleep was easier, the first girl I loved didn’t want me and it hurt.

  “Hey…CJ! Wake up!”

  I didn’t want to open my eyes, my head felt like it had been repeatedly kicked and my neck was stiff. I had fallen asleep on the sofa. I guess I had to thank the alcohol for the sleep, as I am sure I wouldn’t have got any being sober.

  “Come on, we have got to get to work. You’re going to make us late.” Jase said slapping me on the face.

  I opened my eyes to find his face inches away from mine.

  “Back off man.” I slurred maybe I was still partly under the influence.

  “Go and get washed, you got five minutes.” He said disappearing of into the kitchen.

  Last night’s events ran through my head again, I could call in sick but what would I do stuck here? It will be humiliating if I saw her but the chances of that were slim. I dragged my ass up the stairs and got ready.

  As soon as I got to work and was heading for the office I saw her walking towards her car, we hadn’t seen her leave for work ever but this morning when I really couldn’t face her and I see her.

  The morning dragged on slowly, I couldn’t take anymore. Nobody apart from Jase knew what had happened last night as far as they were concerned I had gone away for a dirty weekend with a stunning woman. By lunchtime I walked of site and got a lift into town. I ended up at my local pub; it was quiet seeing as it was midday on a Monday.

  “Usual please Sandra with a double whiskey chaser.” I sat on the stool next to me, save me walking to and from the bar because I didn’t plan on leaving until I was very drunk. My mobile phone was nonstop ringing, the first time I checked to see if it was Jas but it was Alex, I cancelled the call and ordered another drink, it didn’t take long before the room started to spin.

  “If I told you I loved you Sandra would you tell me it was wrong?” I shouldn’t have been allowed to speak to anyone, it was a good job I wouldn’t be able to remember this conversation as Sandra is in her mid forties but looks like she is in her seventies. What I could see through the drunken gaze was Sandra standing not knowing what to say.

  “I told a girl I loved her and she told me it was wrong to love her. I opened up for the first time and she threw it back in my face.” my brain was not letting me shut up, “You women are all the same, you want us men to be all mushy and romantic and declare our love to you but really you just want us under your power. I give up.”

  As I flung my arms out my drink knocked over and its contents spilled over the bar and onto the floor.

  “It is time you went home son.” A man said from behind me, it did not impress me.

  “Fuck off.” I muttered not bothering to turn to look at him.


  “Go on CJ, go home and sleep it off.” Sandra said cleaning up the mess I made.

  “I don’t want to go home.”

  “You heard the lady, come on.” the man said still standing behind me, he put his hand on my shoulder and I saw red.

  “Take your hand of me old man.” I said getting off the stool and stumbling into the bar, “Who do you think you are?” I shouted.

  “Go home and sober up,” He repeated.

  “Are you going to make me?” I was looking for a fight and this dick in front of me was the perfect opponent, he was about my size.

  “CJ!” Alex shouted across the pub.

  What was he doing here? Oh yeah, I rejected his calls. I should have known he would come looking for me.

  “Step away, I will sort him out,” He told the man standing with us, he didn’t back down at first but he did leave when sober Alex stood closer to him.

  “You shouldn’t have bothered.” I mumbled.

  “Yeah because I am going to let you get mugged off by him when you are in this state.” He said picking up my money, keys and mobile phone of the bar,

  “Oh so your phone does work then?” He said seeing his missed calls.

  “I am not in the mood to talk.” I slurred.

  “Just starting fights then? What is going on?” He asked putting my arm around his shoulder making sure I could walk.

  “She warned me I would be the one to get hurt.”

  “Who did, Jas?”

  “Yep and I fell in love with her anyway.”

  “She is beautiful.”

  “No no no no…she is more than beautiful. She is perfect but she is crazy, she should get help.”

  “Come on, not much further to go.”

  I could kind of see my house but it felt like a million miles away.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Part One…Jasmine

  I went through to the kitchen and standing there getting himself a glass of water was Christopher, he hadn’t heard me so when he turned around I made him jump.

  “What are you doing here? Thought you would slum it with a labourer one last time?” He said sitting at the table cradling his head.

  “You might want a paracetemol to go with that headache.” I said trying to lighten the mood joining him at the table.

  “How did you even get in? Did you get Henry to do a bit of breaking and entering?” He said sarcastically.

  I couldn’t work out if he was still drunk, I was hoping he was. They say you tell the truth when you are drunk so if he reacted badly I would know how he really felt and hopefully he would wake up in the morning thinking it was a dream.

  “Natalie let me in.” I said.

  “Natalie?” He wasn’t asking me, more like he was trying to remember the previous night.

  “She brought your mother over, Alex bought you home from the pub and called her. She and Nat left, Alex is asleep on your sofa under strict instructions to protect you from me.” I explained for him.

  “How long have you been here?” He asked finally looking at me.

  “Since four o’clock yesterday afternoon. I wasn’t expecting your family to be here.” I said.

  “That is what family do Jas, they look out for one another but you wouldn’t know about that would you?”

  His words were true but they stung like a hundred wasp stings at the same time. I knew he would be hurting and angry but he was being spiteful, I wasn’t expecting him to be like this.

  How did you imagine he would treat you, you humiliated him!

  I held the tears back that were on the verge of spilling over the best I could, he was making this much harder for me, now more than ever I had to make him understand.

  “What do you want Jas?” He asked again.

  “I need to make you understand why I can’t be with you.” I said.

  “You made that perfectly clear, I am just a labourer with no backbone – your words not mine.”

  “I didn’t mean that Christopher, it killed me to say those horrible things to you,”

  Now he looked even more confused, I pressed on,

  “I had to say something to hurt you so you would leave without pushing me for more information. Before I explain I need you to know how much you have changed me, changed my whole world. I…love you, I love you so much.”

  I couldn’t carry on because as I said I loved him he came around the table and kissed me. Oh no, he thought I had changed my mind. I broke the kiss and pushed him back but not far, I loved having him this close to me again. I would take advantage of it in case he pushed me away again. I kept hold of his hand and carried on.

  “You are going to tell me the things you said you wouldn’t, aren’t you?” He asked.

  “Yes. When you said you…loved me it was the best and worst thing you could have said. You know what I went through growing up, all the things I have done since leaving the estate, when you said you loved me for a split second I couldn’t have been happier, hearing you say the words I thought I wouldn’t hear again made me feel like I could believe there could be an us, we could be a normal couple.”

  I had to stop because the tears fell as I pictured what I was saying, us going out together, spending the weekends lazing around.

  “And the worst?” He asked his voice sounded harsh.

  Here it was, the time my life changed forever, again.

  “It was the worst because…I can’t give you a normal relationship. I can’t give you anything.” I choked out.

  “I don’t want anything but you Jas. I don’t need anything else.” He said gripping my hand.

  “I can’t give you myself..i..i…”

  I can’t do this. The words would not leave my mouth, looking into his face full of hope for us made it worse.

  “Jas I love you, you love me…”

  I cut him off by crushing my lips to his again, I had to feel him against me one more time. Before I could hold back the words, I broke the kiss again leaning my cheek against his. I didn’t want to see his face.

  “I am dying. I have a incurable brain tumour.” I choked out and began crying. He didn’t let me go but he didn’t say anything either. We sat without moving from each other for ages.

  Eventually I moved back to face him, he wouldn’t let go of my hand, I was happy with that, that was a good sign wasn’t it?

  “Please say something.” I begged quietly.

  He looked at me like he was looking at me for the first time.

  “How long?”

  “How long what?” I asked confused, did he mean how long have I got left?

  “How long have you known?”

  Oh, he meant the one question I didn’t want to answer the most.

  “About eighteen months, but I found out the day before I saw you again that it was getting worse.” I answered honestly.

  “I really was a bit of fun to you wasn’t I?”

  “In the beginning you were, by the end of our first weekend together you had already got in my head. All I could think of was you. It was never meant to get this far.” I admitted.

  He got up from the table dropping my hand to get another glass of water. He stared at it for a few moments before throwing it against the wall making me jump.

  “So what, you were having your last blow out using me, before you die?” He shouted.

  “It was never like that! I fought myself to stay away from you because it wasn’t fair.” I argued.

  “The vitamins?”

  “Seizure medication.”

  “When you were taken into hospital it wasn’t exhaustion either was it?”

  “After you left I had a seizure, they kept me in to run tests.” I said honestly.

  “Jas what you are telling me is crazy, you can’t be dying I only just fell in love with you.” He said fighting back his own tears.

  “I am so sorry. I never wanted you to know, I thought we could have some fun and then you would get on with your life. I never ever wanted you to get hurt.” I said trying to get close
r to him.

  “You should have told me you wouldn’t be alive for me to love you,” He shouted at me through tears he couldn’t fight anymore, he slumped down to the floor and hung his head silently crying.

  I fell to his side immediately wrapping my arms around him and cried with him.

  “I am so sorry I couldn’t stay away from you. I couldn’t bear that I had hurt you, I need you to understand.”

  “Oh yeah because this doesn’t hurt at all,” He said, “I took you to meet my family all the while you knew you wouldn’t be here when…” It suddenly dawns on him, “How long?”

  This time I know exactly what he is asking.

  “I don’t know. It could be days, weeks or months.”

  “This isn’t happening…this isn’t happening…this isn’t happening,” He repeated over and over.

  He went back into silent mode, I didn’t know if he was thinking or blanking it all out.

  “Everything I have done in my life, the happiest I have ever been is when I have been with you. The only part I would change is for you not to have got hurt along the way.” I said coaxing him back to me.

  I went to hold his hand like he had done to me so many times but he pulled away.

  “I would change everything, I wouldn’t have gone for a drink with the lads that night and bumped into you, I wouldn’t be working on your extension. I wish I had left you in the past where you belonged.”

  “Christopher…”

  “My name is CJ, no one but a girl I used to know calls me Christopher. Please, just go.” I didn’t wait to be asked again.

  “Don’t worry in time I will be back in the past and you won’t be hurting. I am sorry I wasted your time it isn’t like you have a lifetime to get over it, some of us don’t have that luxury.” I said.

  I shouldn’t have said the last bit but I couldn’t stop myself from lashing out. I walked out of the kitchen past Alex who was awake and probably heard everything by the way he was scowling at me. I carried on walking out of the house into the predawn morning. As I shut the door I heard Christopher smashing something in the kitchen and Alex went running to his brother. I shouldn’t have told him, I knew nothing good would come of it. I had once again ruined his life.