A Shattered Heart

  "Promise you'll stay in your car until she gets here at least," he countered after I climbed from his car.

  I thought about reminding him he wasn't the boss of me, but looking at the sidewalk leading to my apartment I didn't think I was ready to conquer it on my own yet. "Promise," I said, trying to sound reluctant as I opened my car door.

  He gave me a skeptical look but didn't push it. "I'll call you after practice," he said, pulling me into his arms. His lips were possessive and territorial as they settled on mine.

  "Be safe and please stay in your car until your mom gets here." He kept his tone passive so it wouldn't sound like an order. I swallowed a smile. He was learning.

  "I think I should be telling you to stay safe. Football isn't the safest sport, especially for a quarterback."

  He chuckled. "My guys are good at keeping my noggin safe. This is practice anyways. Coach would have anyone's ass in a sling if they hurt me before the season starts. If it makes you feel better, you can come watch me practice tomorrow and give everyone the evil eye," he teased, clearly pleased I cared. He closed my car door and waited until I locked it before climbing into his own car.

  I watched him pull out of the parking lot and couldn't help wishing I could follow him. It was the first time since the accident that I wished I wasn't alone. Sitting in the parking lot of the complex, I couldn't help noticing all its flaws and bleakness. I kept my eyes averted from where Carlos' body had been found, but it didn't stop the hairs from standing up on the back of my neck. Everything around me had me on edge. The shadows surrounding the building seemed more ominous. The far corners of the parking lot with its broken-down cars offered hiding spots I'd never given much thought to. Even with it being broad daylight I couldn't help being spooked. I almost wished I'd allowed Brian to wait with me.

  I was on the verge of starting my car and leaving the complex when Mom showed up with Dad. Any other time I would have scoffed that he felt it was necessary to tag along, but I was so relieved to see them I practically flew out of the car and into his arms as soon as I saw him. My hug nearly barreled him over, and I could tell it surprised him. He returned it, patting me awkwardly on the back. Affection didn't come easy to him. He showed his love by taking care of things. Mom was the hugger. The one who kissed my boo-boos growing up and smoothed the waters after Dad's endless lectures that were always for my own good, as he liked to claim.

  "Honey, did you know the man who died?" Mom asked, slinging an arm around my shoulders as we headed toward my apartment.

  I nodded, trying to ignore the yellow tape that still cordoned off Carlos' apartment. Bile rose in my stomach as I recalled him sprawled across the sidewalk. A mental picture filled my head of Carlos making his way to his apartment, oblivious of the person standing behind him with a knife. The assailant took on the face of the man who'd given me a hard time that one night, Antonio. I skipped a step, almost stumbling. I wondered if I should have mentioned him to Officer Morris. He'd asked if I knew anything. Was that something? I shook my head. I was being ridiculous. It was time I admitted that Carlos had a lot of shade on him. It could have been any of his "associates." I failed to mention this to Mom and Dad.

  The locks on my front door seemed even flimsier as I slid my key into them and pushed my door open. My apartment was dark. My blackout curtains blocked any sunlight from getting in. Before yesterday I craved the darkness and solitude of my apartment. I'd considered it a sanctuary, a place to hide from all the ugliness of the world. The ugliness had crept into my apartment, though, saturating every inch of it. I now saw it for what it really was, a sad mockery of the person I'd become. Disgust rose through me. I wanted to throw the curtains open and flood the apartment with light.

  Mom must have felt the same way since she reached for the edges of the curtains and pulled them open to fill the apartment with light. I shot her a small smile of thanks before heading to my room to pack a bag.

  My room was as dark as the living room had been but I didn't bother opening the curtains. Instead, I flipped the light on and grabbed my carry-on suitcase out of my closet. It still had the tags hooked to the handle from when I traveled to Europe. For a brief moment I wished I was once again there. Far away from this apartment and everything else. Brian's face flashed in my mind and the urge passed. Running away was no longer an option.

  Five minutes later I rolled my filled suitcase out of my room, not bothering to switch off the light. When I returned later to start packing I didn't want my room to be dark again. It was silly but I didn't care.

  We stopped for lunch and at the U-Haul place on the way home to line up a truck for the following day. I purchased two dozen boxes and rolls of tape while we were there. Brian had promised he would help me pack and move the next day. He said he'd bring reinforcements so we could knock it all out in one day. I was skeptical but hoped he was right. The sooner I moved, the better.

  "I heard you stayed the night with Mac," Mom said as I pulled off the highway. She'd opted to ride with me to keep me company. I had the feeling it was more than that. What had happened at my apartment had put her on edge. She believed it could have been me.

  "You did?" I asked, not sure why I was surprised. Just because I cut all ties with my old life didn't mean she had.

  "Yesterday was my weekly lunch with the girls. Patricia, Gloria, Trina, and Jill all say hi by the way."

  I nodded. I noticed she didn't mention Jessica's mom Suzy. I guessed they really had moved. It made me sad to think about.

  "Mac was real happy you came by to see her."

  "I was stupid to wait so long," I said, shooting her a wry look as I waited for her to agree with me. Everyone had been pushing me that way for so long.

  Mom didn't rub it in my face though. "You just needed time. We all understand that, baby. Everyone knows how hard it's been. Trina did mention that you and Brian were working together at the Y. Have you seen him there?"

  I glanced her way, curious if this was a test. I wondered how much Trina, Brian's mom, knew about our budding relationship. Mom's innocence indicated they must not know much. Relief flooded through me.

  "I thought maybe we would do an end-of-summer bash in a couple weeks," Mom said, not meeting my eyes as I cut off the engine in their driveway. "How does that sound?"

  It was more than a question. It was a door being opened that had been slammed closed two years ago. We'd had dozens of parties over the years. Before the accident the only question had been who would throw the next bash. I gripped the steering wheel in my hands. I wasn't sure if the door should or could even be opened now. The idea of all of us being together with half our group missing sliced painfully through me. "I don't know, Mom," I answered. "I'm not sure we'd all survive it in one piece."

  Mom reached over and squeezed my hand, which was still gripping the steering wheel. "It will hurt, but I think it's time. It's time we celebrate getting to the other side. I think we all need it."

  I gnawed on my lip, digesting the idea. "Okay," I conceded. "Let me know what you need me to do."

  "Just show up, baby. We'll do the rest."

  "Okay," I said again, trying to ignore the ache in my heart. I knew I'd started this by visiting Mac, but maybe Mom was right. Maybe it was time.

  Twenty

  Brian was waiting for me at my apartment the next morning when I showed up. He wasn't alone though, Mac and her EMT were also waiting. Climbing from my car I shot Brian a look, not sure if I should be mad. I didn't need him to play matchmaker between Mac and me. We were already finding our way back to our friendship. But I wasn't ready for her to know about Brian and me. I didn't like the feeling of being backed into a corner.

  "Look, Kat, we have more minions to help us today. Mac and Bentley showed up a few minutes ago. Your mom told them you were packing up your apartment today. They want to help," Brian said in way of a greeting. His statement held all the answers I needed.

  I smiled, though I'm pretty sure it came out as a grimace. My two worlds seemed bo
und and determined to collide. "You guys didn't have to do that," I said, mentally searching for a way to explain Brian's presence.

  "We wanted to." Mac grinned at me impishly. "Imagine my surprise when I discovered the friend your mom mentioned was actually our old friend Brian," she said, raising an eyebrow at me. "I'm surprised she didn't mention it."

  I bit off a groan. Mac was no dummy. I could tell by the glint in her eyes she knew.

  "Brian was working at the Y when I started working there in June," I explained.

  "And you're friends?" she asked, moving her eyes back and forth between the two of us.

  "Yes," I answered. I'd forgotten how intuitive Mac was. I glanced at Brian, gauging his reaction to my words. Would he contradict me? Stake his claim? Insist we were more? His eyes narrowed slightly before he smiled at Mac.

  "I'd say we're at the 'getting to know' you stage," he said.

  I was pretty sure I groaned this time.

  "Hi, I'm Kat," I said, holding my hand out to Mac's EMT.

  "Oops, sorry," Mac said, stepping in to take over the introduction. "Bentley, this is my good friend, Kat. Kat, this is my Bentley," Mac practically sang, sliding an arm around her EMT's waist.

  Bentley grinned down at her affectionately before holding out a hand for me to shake. "Kat, it's a pleasure to finally meet you," he said, swallowing my hand with his own. I was relieved he didn't mention the first time we'd met. I didn't want to dredge up the accident now.

  Locking my car, I led the way to my apartment, avoiding the space where Carlos had been stabbed. I couldn't help an involuntary shudder as we passed the spot. Despite my misgivings of having Mac and her EMT here, I was glad I wasn't alone.

  It took Mac a few extra minutes to climb the stairs to my apartment. She was breathing a little heavy, but she refused Bentley's hand. I smiled. Mac had found her backbone.

  Bentley and Brian grabbed the boxes from my car while Mac and I started emptying out my cabinets in the kitchen, which was sparse at best. It didn't take long to pack everything into one of my boxes.

  "Thanks for your help," I told Mac as she wrapped the few plates I had in newspaper.

  She rolled her eyes. "When did we start thanking each other for doing what we've always done? That's never going to change. I hope you realize that. You'll be eighty and I'll be handing you your dentures."

  Tears burned my eyes. I blinked rapidly. "What makes you think I'll be the one wearing dentures?" I asked around the lump in my throat. "You're the one who's addicted to sweet tea."

  "Please. Your sweet tooth is way worse than mine. I bet we'll find five different kinds of chocolate while we pack you up today."

  I smirked. "Not a chance. I polished them all off the other day."

  She snorted, placing my one coffee mug into my one and only pan. I should have thought about buying more for my kitchen, but it seemed like such a waste. I hated cooking and really, if you had a microwave you didn't need much else.

  Once my kitchen was done, Mac and I moved to my room. We continued to chat and catch up while we packed everything. We were careful not to mention the accident, but Mac filled me in on everything else I'd missed. Like how Jessica's parents had moved to Idaho so they could be close to family, and how Tracey's mom had donated a portion of her money from the accident to a pet rescue foundation. This snippet of information was a double-edged sword. Tracey would have been excited about that amount of money going to something she was so passionate about, but the loss of her was a price we all had to pay. Tracey would never go to veterinary school as she had wanted. She'd never start an animal rescue ranch like she used to dream about. Tracey's dreams died that fateful night. All of ours had.

  We took a break at lunchtime when the pizzas the guys had ordered showed up. The majority of the packing was done, all that was left were my bathroom and hall closet.

  "Thanks for all the help, guys," I said, sitting cross-legged on my coffee table. There was an empty spot on my couch next to Brian, but I wanted to give the illusion of casualness. He shot me a look but didn't comment as he popped the tab on his Coke.

  "So how long have you guys been an item?" Mac asked as I took a bite of my pizza.

  The pizza caught in my throat at her question, making me choke. Coughing, I tried to dislodge the melted cheese and crust that were currently cutting off my oxygen. Bentley reached over and hit me in the center of my back once, making the pizza shoot as unladylike as possible out of my mouth.

  "Thanks," I said as tears poured down my cheeks. I glared at Mac, who was giggling uncontrollably on the arm of the chair she was perched on.

  "A couple of weeks," Brian answered, taking a bite of his own pizza without choking. Traitor.

  "That's what I figured," Mac tossed out once she was done laughing at my expense. I waited for her judgment. A look exchanged with Bentley. A raised eyebrow. A look of bitter disappointment. Anything to show that she was disgusted that I was hooking up with my dead boyfriend's brother. She did none of those. If anything she looked happy as a clam as she polished of her own slice of pizza.

  She licked her fingers and turned to Bentley. "That means you and Brian have to be friends."

  "Um, okay?" Bentley said, giving Brian a look that pretty much conveyed he'd do anything to keep Mac happy, even if that meant befriending her friend's boyfriend. "Do you want us to braid each other's hair too?"

  "And paint each other's nails?" Brian added.

  "Yes to all of the above," Mac quipped, grinning at me wickedly.

  Bentley tugged her down into his lap. "Whatever you want, woman," he said, sealing his lips to hers. Mac giggled and tried to squirm away, but Bentley held her fast, deepening the kiss until her giggles died away. I looked away, feeling like I was intruding. I could see Mac and Bentley belonged together. I was wrong to have judged her so harshly before.

  The rest of the packing was relatively painless and by the time Dad showed up with the U-Haul we were done. If Dad thought it was odd that Brian was there helping us out, he didn't comment. That was one perk of having an analytical father. He didn't put much stock into the emotional or gossiping aspects of life that most people dwelled on.

  My apartment was quickly emptied out by the guys. Mac and I did minor cleaning, though the dreariness of the apartment made it hard to tell.

  "No offense, Kat, but this place was a real shithole," Mac observed, trying to scrub a burn mark off the counter that had been there when I moved in.

  I laughed, flicking my rag onto the counter and giving up. "Tell me about it."

  "And you picked here to live, why?"

  I shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea at the time. I wasn't ready to be acclimated with regular society, I guess." I glanced around the room, seeing all of its ugliness, but I couldn't help but feel a certain kinship with the apartment. For a long time it represented how I felt inside. Lost, neglected, and incapable of love. It would forever hold a special place in my heart. It offered a sanctuary when I needed it the most.

  "I get that," Mac said, tossing her own rag on top of mine.

  "You do?" I asked, leaning against my empty bar.

  She nodded her head. "I don't think people on the outside looking in get it, but after something happens like what we went through, the outside world suddenly feels abrasive. Noises are louder, smells are stronger, and the light seems a little bit harsher. It took me months to stop thinking that everyone was looking at me because of this," she said, holding up her cane. "I began to feel like it was defining me."

  "Is that when you started dating your EMT?"

  She chuckled at my question. "My EMT? I like that. But yes, it was around that time. I fought my feelings for him at first. I was terrified to let myself care for someone else. It was habit to keep everyone at arm's length. Keep them far enough away that they couldn't infiltrate my heart."

  I nodded. It could have been me talking. Everything she said were things I had struggled with. I was ashamed I waited so long to reconnect with her. If I wasn't s
o selfish, we could have leaned on each other this past year and stumbled to the other side a little bit stronger.

  "I'm sorry, Mac."

  She reached over, grabbed my hand, and squeezed it. She didn't need to ask what I was sorry for. We both knew. "It's all water under the bridge. No more apologies, okay? No more regrets. But most of all, no more blame. I know we all have our demons and it hasn't been easy, but we made it. All three of us. I've seen the differences in Zach, and I know that's because of you. He relates to you better than he does me. I know why and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry you both lost the loves of your lives, but I hope you both get a second chance. I know he'll always love Tracey and you'll always love Dan." Her voice trailed off as Brian stepped into my living room.

  I could tell by his expression he'd heard the last part of her speech. Mac shot me a guilty look as Brian picked up a box and left my apartment without a word.

  "Sorry," she mouthed to me once he was gone. I didn't answer since Dad and Bentley pushed into the apartment at that moment.

  "I think that's it," I told them, trying to ignore the nagging pulling on my heart. As soon as we were alone I'd talk to Brian and explain what Mac and I'd been talking about.

  But as it turned out, I didn't get the chance I was hoping for that evening. Mom was waiting for us along with Patricia, Tracey's mom, and her twin boys when we showed up at my new apartment. Patricia gave me a big hug but didn't chastise me for the chasm I'd created the last two years. Instead, she and her boys jumped right into helping unload the truck. I'd lucked out and scored a first-floor unit this time. It was two buildings away from Brian's, which was a small relief. A little separation would be good.

  Mac and I were told to man the apartment so we could give out direction where things went while we unpacked. A couple of Brian's buddies from the football team showed up and before I knew it the truck was unpacked. The noise level in my apartment grew and Mom suggested we take the moving party to the Longhorn down the road before the other tenants filed a complaint. She included Brian and his friends in the invite, and I could see the wheels turning in her head. She was more inquisitive than Dad, and there was no way she'd let me slide out of this one.