A Shattered Heart

  At the restaurant I maneuvered it so Brian and I were on opposite ends of the long table. If he noticed, he didn't comment. He'd been several degrees colder since Mac's statement at my old apartment. I was tempted to text him from my end of the table but held off. Our group took up one whole side of the restaurant. It was loud and chaotic and saturated in déjà vu. It'd been a lifetime ago, but that didn't affect the poignancy of the moment. The urge to flee kept me on the edge of my seat. It was glaringly obvious who was missing. I glanced over at Mac to see if she could feel it too. She was leaning into Bentley, who was rubbing her back in slow, soothing strokes. Her eyes were sad as they met mine. We might have made it to the other side, but the question was, could we survive the other side?

  ***

  I was unpacking a box of books later that evening when someone knocked on my door. I glanced at the time on my phone and saw it was almost midnight. At my old apartment a knock on the door at this time would have been ignored, if not feared. I knew who it was though. Climbing up off the floor, I wiped the cardboard dust off my legs as I made my way to my front door.

  "Hey," I greeted Brian, who was leaning against the doorframe.

  "Hey," he answered quietly, studying me. A nagging feeling pulled at me. Was he here to end things with me? I shouldn't be surprised. I'd been pushing him away for months now. If he was smart, he'd cut his losses sooner than later.

  "Do you want to come in?" I asked, holding the door open for him.

  He accepted my invitation without a word. I closed the door behind him and slowly counted to ten in my head. Whatever happened in the next few minutes, I would have to deal with it.

  "Place looks good," Brian said, leaning against the wall. "Nice and bright."

  "It's definitely brighter," I agreed. I'd yet to decide if I was going to hang up my blackout curtains. I kind of liked all the natural light that poured in through the large living room window earlier. "Thanks for recommending the place."

  "No problem," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. I hated the formality of the moment. We were like two strangers. If he was breaking up with me, I wished he'd hurry up and get it over with. I should have let him off the hook and done it for him. I opened my mouth but the words refused to come. I'd lied to myself. I wasn't prepared for this, and I definitely couldn't handle it. I liked Brian. The word like seemed so inadequate to describe what I felt for him. It was wrong on so many levels to use the word that fit my feelings for him. As a matter of fact, my feelings for him could be seen as a betrayal for the one person I'd claimed to love. The love I'd lost. And now I was on the verge of losing again. The room spun at my revelation. It was too soon. Way too soon. However, it didn't matter. I was sick of running and hiding.

  I stood up on shaky legs, afraid I wouldn't be able to convince him to stick around before he could lower the boom. He didn't speak or move as I stepped in front of him. I moved in closer, sliding my arms around his waist. I liked how easily we fit together. Two unique puzzle pieces that had been specially crafted to click together.

  He held himself stiff for a moment before wrapping his own arms around me. His chin rested on my head while his heart thumped against my cheek resting against his chest. "What are we doing here, Kat?"

  He wasn't asking about our embrace. He was searching for something deeper.

  "I don't know, but I don't want to stop," I confessed, tilting my face up so I could look at him. His jawline hardened. "Do you?"

  His hands moved from my waist to my arms, holding me in place."I don't know, Kat. I thought I could do this. I told myself it was okay that you were still in love with my brother. I knew I needed to give you time. We're young, there's no rush, but what I wasn't expecting was the deep-rooted jealousy I feel for my dead brother. It's fucked up that I want to smash his face in when you were his first. I feel like I've been chasing his shadow my whole life. I'm not sure I'm noble enough to share you. I want you all for myself. I want my face to be the one you see when we make love. I want my name to be the one you utter when you think about love. It pisses me off that when he was alive he got all those amazing years with you and now in death he still gets a large piece of you. I want that piece for myself. If that means I'm going to hell, I don't care. I came here tonight to end things." His hands tightened on my arms. It wasn't a punishing hold but more an act of desperation. "I want you for myself," he repeated, leveling me with a look that burned with agony. "Is that wrong?"

  I reached for his hand, pulling it from my arm. His other hand dropped in defeat. Before he could step away I raised my hand to his cheek. "Is it wrong I want all of that too?" I whispered raggedly. "Is it wrong your face has already started to replace his? That you're the last person I think of before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about in the morning? Is it wrong I resent the memories for making me sad when ones about you have the power to make me so happy?"

  His hands reached up to my face, anchoring it in place. "Kat," he murmured, lowering his mouth to mine. My name was a plea and enough to send my pulse into overdrive as ribbons of goose bumps chased up my spine. His lips were hot and greedy against mine as they took ownership. Everything about his mouth on mine was different. He kissed me like he was burning from the inside out. It was desperate and demanding. He pulled back after a minute and rested his forehead against mine. "Kat." A shudder moved through him making him shake in my arms. I knew what he wanted.

  Without speaking I took his hand and guided him to my room. I would show him he was the only one in my thoughts, and later I would tell him I was ready to let his brother go.

  Twenty-One

  "You okay?" Brian asked as I climbed into the car.

  "Fine," I answered.

  "Right." He smirked and started the ignition. He knew why I was so silent.

  We'd spent every second we were free together in the weeks following my move. His schedule was more chaotic than mine now that football practices had been knocked up in intensity and I was no longer working. Most days I dragged my sketchpad down to the stadium to draw while he practiced. During breaks he would run up the stadium steps to see me. Sometimes it was for a drink or a kiss. Other times it was to tell me something I'd missed on the field. He was determined to make me a football pro before the season started. His teammates had razzed him about it at first but they soon got over my presence and made sure to add their two cents to my growing knowledge on the sport.

  Our evenings were spent eating out or holed up in my apartment watching movies since his roommates were now back on campus. Classes started in a week and the campus was noticeably more crowded. When I wasn't with Brian or watching him practice, I was with Mac, who was living in an apartment with Bentley not far off campus. I was surprised at first that her parents didn't balk at the arrangement, or more accurately, I was surprised Mac herself didn't balk. There was a time when she'd made it clear that school came before relationships. As far as she'd been convinced, love could wait. Love had obviously decided to intervene. Regardless of her living arrangements, I was glad to have her so close. Our new friendship was layered and deeper than our old one had been. It felt real. We'd gotten into the habit of driving to Zach's together and including him in our new relationship. At times it was awkward as we stumbled over memories, but most times we were learning how to be friends again.

  All three of us shared a mutual apprehension for Mom's party, where I was currently headed. We talked about it intensively, not sure it would go off as smoothly as Mom thought it would. Mac was more optimistic than Zach and me and talked down most of our pessimistic comments.

  I didn't confess to either of them that most of my nerves stemmed from the significance of the party for Brian and me. We'd managed to keep our relationship from our parents but had agreed we'd let everyone in on our secret today. I wasn't all that worried about my own parents, but I was terrified of what his would think.

  "It's going to be fine," Brian said, reaching over to pat my hand.

  "How do you know what I'm t
hinking?" I asked as he pulled onto my parents' street.

  "Please. You've been worried about this party for weeks. I promise no one is going to care."

  "Your parents—"

  "Love you. They always have, Kat. That never changed. They'll love you even more when they know how important you are to me."

  I shook my head. I felt he was being blindly optimistic.

  "Too late now," he teased, pulling in the grass in front of the house since the circular driveway was already filled with cars.

  "Not too late yet. We haven't been spotted yet."

  "Wrong." He laughed as my parents' front door opened.

  "Oh sheesh, was she lurking at the window waiting?" I asked, spotting Mom framed in the doorway.

  "Looks like it," he said, completely relaxed as he opened his car door.

  I gripped the handle of my own door for a moment before reluctantly opening it. "No guts, no glory," I muttered to myself, watching as a wide smile spread across Mom's face when she saw Brian reach for my hand. I let out a breath. Okay, maybe I could do this.

  "Kat." Mom greeted me halfway up the walk and gave me a big hug. "Brian, how nice to see you with Kat," she said, releasing me to give him a hug also. I bit back a groan. I was pretty sure she couldn't have been more obvious if she tried. "Dave, Kat and Brian are here together," she sang out into the house as we stepped in. All conversation in the room stopped as everyone turned to look at Brian and me. Obviously I'd been wrong, she could be more obvious. I tugged at my hand, trying to get it out of Brian's before anyone could notice, but he held it fast.

  I looked up to plead with him, but his eyes spoke volumes. "No guts, no glory." He murmured my previous sentiment as his arm slid around my waist. All fight went out of me. I relaxed against his side. He was right.

  My eyes scanned the room for his parents, hoping they'd understand. After a moment my eyes finally found his mom's. The smile on her face showed he'd been right all along. Looking around I saw no one seemed to have a problem with the fact that Brian had his arm around my waist, including Zach. I'd spent the last few months persecuting us, all in preparation for this meeting, and in the end no one cared. Not a single person in the room looked at us with judgment.

  "Told you," Brian gloated as his mom wrapped me in a tight hug.

  "Kat, it's so nice to see you," she whispered in my ear, giving me a tight squeeze. Moisture filled my eyes. Waves of familiarity assaulted my senses. I'd forced myself to believe I didn't need all of this or even deserve it. Wrapped in her arms at that very moment I felt like I'd finally come home.

  After she released me I was passed from one set of arms to another. People I hadn't seen in two years crowded in to see me. All the anger I'd been expecting for abandoning them was as absent as the judgment had been.

  "You okay?" Brian asked after I'd been hugged for the last time. He eyed me, clearly gauging my reaction to all the attention.

  I laughed with exhilaration. It felt good to be home. "I'm good," I answered.

  "I won't say I told you so again. We can relish in my all knowing abilities later."

  "Yes, Yoda. Wise you are, indeed," I deadpanned.

  Brian clutched his heart as if I'd just declared my undying love for him. Maybe I had.

  2006

  "Ugh. Do we really have to watch this movie again," Jessica griped, plunking down on the couch between Tracey and me.

  "It's their turn to pick. I think Brian picked this one. Not that the guys are complaining," I said, glancing up from the Judy Blume book I was reading. "It's not all that bad."

  "You, Kat, are wise indeed," Brian quipped from his beanbag chair.

  Dan shot me a look of approval before returning to the pile of Legos between him, Zach, and Brian. A small smile tugged at my lips as my face heated from their approval. I glanced back down at the pages of my book, still smiling.

  "You know I love a girl who can talk Star Wars," Brian said, breaking into my memory. A blush much like the one I'd had nine years ago traveled up my face. We'd yet to introduce the L-word into our relationship, but now it was tossed out there for everyone to hear. I knew he was joking, but I wasn't sure if everyone else would get that. I glanced at Zach, who was positioned near the couch in his chair. He seemed oblivious to what we were talking about as he gazed out the window. I edged closer to him, feeling bad about abandoning him. The three of us had made a pact to stick together at this party. I scanned the room, wondering where Mac was.

  "Hey," I greeted him, sitting in the edge of the couch next to him. "You okay?"

  "I'm dandy," he said, tapping his leg with his closed fist.

  "You don't look dandy."

  "Do you want me to do cartwheels?" he asked sarcastically. "I didn't know you and Brian were hooking up," he added, abruptly switching gears.

  I caught my breath, waiting for him to lash out at me. I recalled our kiss and fleetingly wondered if he'd put more into it than I had. "Yes," I finally said when he lapsed into silence.

  "That's cool," he said, moving his gaze away from the window to look at me. "You look happy."

  I measured his words for a minute. My emotions had been a melting pot over the last two years. At any given time one emotion would boil up showing its dominance. Sometimes it was sadness, other times it was anger, but the one emotion that was sadly lacking in the dominance category was happiness. I took stock and realized he was right. I was happy. It'd been so long I barely recognized it. I was still expecting the other dominant emotions to crowd back in to stake their territory. Neither were present at the moment.

  "I am," I said.

  "I'm glad," he answered, glancing back out the window. "It gives me hope."

  "What kind of hope?"

  "That maybe someday I'll be where you and Mac are. Is it wrong that's all I can obsess over lately? World hunger and death splattered across the news every single day and all I can do is dwell on whether there will be a time where I wish I hadn't died in the accident."

  My mouth formed an O as I looked up at Brian for help. He shrugged, looking as helpless as I felt. "I'm so sorry, Zach." The words felt inadequate. "You'll get to the other side of all this. I promise."

  He sighed, meeting my eyes. "I hope so. You know what I wish?"

  "What?" I asked, almost afraid to hear his answer.

  "I wish we could go on that Slingshot ride again. I wish there was a way to bottle that feeling."

  I nodded, all too aware of where he was coming from. "Trust me, when you get to the other side of all the muddled crap, you won't have to bottle that feeling. It'll be with you regardless," I said, wishing Mac was here. She was better at articulating the right words for these situations. "Where's Mac?" I asked, glancing around again in a vain hope that she would suddenly pop up.

  "I haven't seen her yet. I think her mom's trying to call her," he said, nodding his head toward Mac's mother. "She probably got hung up with Bentley," he said without animosity.

  I grinned at him, slipping my hand into Brian's. "Probably. Do you want something to drink?" I asked, climbing to my feet.

  "Water."

  "Do you want anything?" I asked Brian, who had claimed my vacated seat on the couch.

  "Coke, please," he answered, launching into game talk with Zach.

  "Kat, have you heard from Mac?" Mom asked as I grabbed our drinks.

  I shook my head, pulling my phone out of my pocket. "No, and she hasn't tried to call. Do you want me to give her a call?"

  "No, Jill just tried to call her. I'm sure she's okay. We all tend to worry a little more now." Her words hung in the air. It was as if a veil was lifted that I wasn't even aware was there. In all this time I'd never once given any consideration to what all our parents had gone through that night. Every second of that fateful evening was wrapped around my memories of the accident. I never stopped to wonder how it must have felt to be on the receiving end of the calls they must have gotten that night.

  Impulsively, I reached over to wrap my arms around Mom. S
he stifled a startled sound before wrapping her own arms around me. "I'm sorry, Mom. I can't even imagine how it felt that night to get the call," I said, pulling back to peer at her face.

  She smiled at me sadly. "It was easily the worst day of our lives," she said, nodding in Dad's direction by the grill on the patio. "I'm not sure who took it hardest, your father or me. All we knew was that some of you were hurt and some of you were dead." Her voice broke and I pulled her in for another tight hug.

  "I'm sorry," I repeated, burying my face in her hair.

  "So am I, baby, but I'm so glad you're with us."

  "I am too," I answered. "I'm going to go see Dad for a second," I added.

  "Okay, baby," she said, giving my hand a squeeze.

  If Dad was surprised by my impulsive hug when I joined him, he didn't mention it as he flipped the row of burgers he was grilling. "Are you all set for fall classes?" he asked, skirting around the touchy-feely stuff.

  "Yep. I'll be taking a cosmetology class and Hairstyling 101," I teased, holding the plate for him as he started lifting the hot dogs off the top rack of the grill.

  He shook the tongs at me threateningly, making one of the hot dogs split across the middle. Half of the dog stayed locked between the tongs while the other half went flying across the patio.

  "Smooth," I taunted him, setting the plate down so I could pick up the hunk of meat. Without wiping the dirt off it, I chucked it over the fence so Bruce, our neighbors' dog, could have a bonus snack for the day.

  "Stop sassing your father, little miss."

  "Yes, sir," I said, giving him a mock salute as I carried the plate loaded with hot dogs back into the house with a skip in my step. I nearly laughed at how good it felt to be normal.

  The moment I stepped into the house I knew something was wrong, even without the absence of the chitchat I'd left behind or the hushed phone conversation on the other side of the room. It was the way everything seemed to be frozen. Horrified expressions, terrified looks each stood out like a beacon as I scanned the room searching for Brian.