Broken

  I exhaled. "Me too. I have no idea how to help her. I want her to get the right treatment, see some more doctors, but so far she doesn't even want to talk to me. It's like she has completely given up the fight."

  "But you can't give up on her," Aiyana said. "She needs you now more than ever."

  I stared at her with a deep sigh. "I don't want to give up on her. I am a doctor. I believe that the right treatment could prolong her life. She is my wife even if we have had our problems. She is William's mother. I feel horrible for putting him through this."

  "I can understand that," she said while looking at Luyu. "We just want the best for them, right?"

  "I am worried about you," I said and touched her hand. "The things I saw while I operated. They weren't exactly pleasant."

  Aiyana put a finger over my lip. "You always worry too much, Christian. Like I said ten years ago. You love me too much."

  "What about Michael. Do you love him?"

  Aiyana sighed. "I don't know. Love hasn't much to do with our marriage. We were chosen to be together because the spirits knew we would make Luyu. The fountain lives in her. Inside her flows the ancient secret to eternal youth. She will pass it on to her children with the man she is destined to be with. My happiness or Michael's happiness has nothing to do with it."

  "But you're unhappy with this guy. You can't tell me otherwise. I’ve seen it. I have been in your mind and heard your thoughts."

  Aiyana looked at me with serious eyes. "He is still my husband by choice. No one forced me. He is also the father of my child."

  "I understand that. I just don't like to see you unhappy."

  Aiyana laughed her childlike laughter. How I had missed it. "I will be happy soon. Don't you worry about me," she said. "Besides I am very happy at night. That's when I truly come to life."

  I smiled. I knew exactly what she meant. That was when I felt truly alive as well. I lived for those moments every day, I longed for the transformation to come, and I craved the hunt and the feast. It didn't matter what went on during the day or what problems I faced as long as I knew that at night it would happen again.

  "Mom?" It was Luyu's voice. She looked pale.

  "Hurry," I said and grabbed a basin on the nightstand next to the bed. Just before she threw up I managed to throw the basin under her chin. Aiyana held her hair as she emptied her stomach into it.

  "It's perfectly normal," I said to calm everybody down.

  William stopped playing and stood motionless staring at the spectacle.

  "She is just feeling a little nauseous from the anesthetic. That's all," I said. "There is absolutely nothing to worry about."

  When Luyu had finished I walked out in the hall and called for a nurse and the pediatric anesthesiologist to come and take a look at her. After his thorough examination he told us Luyu was fine and ready to be discharged.

  "Let me take you home," I said knowing that they had come here by bus and planned to go home the same way but Luyu was too weak.

  "It's okay," Aiyana said. "We'll be fine."

  "Nonsense," I said. "William and I would love to take you home."

  Aiyana sighed. Then she nodded. "Okay then."

  I lifted Luyu out of the bed and carried her in my arms out to the car. She was still nauseated and tired. I didn't mind carrying her. Aiyana took William by the hand and walked with him behind me. They had a long talk about stuffed animals and whether or not they could come alive at night and have a great party. William refused to believe it, but Aiyana insisted that there was more to this world than what you could see with your eyes. Then William asked if Luyu could ever come to his house and play one day. Aiyana never answered. I put Luyu carefully in the back seat. As I did she suddenly touched my arm.

  "Thank you for saving my eyes," she said with a small voice. "Maybe I will be able to see at night one day like you do? Maybe my eyes will glow like yours and Mommy's?"

  I stared at her for a while. Of course that little girl knew much more than we thought she did. Just like the rest of her family.

  I smiled. "Maybe they will," I said. "Maybe one day they will."

  Aiyana was quiet all the way to her house that was in a very poor part of the town. Old small houses with rusty battered cars in front of them. People hanging out on porches watched my expensive car with distrustful looks as we drove by. I didn't feel comfortable here and realized just how different my life had become from Aiyana’s. Still we were both unhappy where we were. It didn't matter if you had money or not.

  I stopped the car in front of a small house with a battered window on the front temporarily fixed with chipboard. I grabbed Aiyana's hand as she was about to get out of the car.

  "I want to see you again," I said. "Like really see you."

  "You'll see me tomorrow when we come in for the check-up," she said. And tonight, she whispered in my mind.

  "No. I mean I want to see you. Out in the open, in broad daylight." I had no idea where it came from. I felt like a child stomping his feet on the ground to get his way. I mean I loved our encounters at night but being with her during the day, like we had done today fulfilled me in an entirely different way. I needed to be close to her. I needed to hear her voice, talk to her and hear her laughter. Even if I couldn't make love to her like I so desperately wanted.

  Blood drained from her face. She dropped her gaze to the ground. Her mouth moved a couple of times before she finally found the words. "Christian. You know I can't. I am a married woman. I have obligations. I have a family now. So do you."

  "We could just have a cup of coffee or take a stroll at the beach like last time. The kids could play together. Have a play date or something. Look at them. They love spending time together. We could do it for them. Michael doesn't have to know anything."

  Aiyana stopped me by touching my shoulder lightly. "We can't and you know it."

  "Because of him? Because you're afraid he will find out?"

  "Does it matter why?"

  "Yes it matters. Goddamn it matters. I don't want you to live a life where you can't have the friends you want or even read a book because he says you can't. You love to read. You love to write. It’s your passion. All you ever wanted to do is to write. You told me so once. Write amazing books like your father."

  She forced a gentle smile then stroked my cheek just like she used to do. I closed my eyes and enjoyed it in silence. "You always were so protective of me," she said.

  "Because I love you."

  "He will kill you if he knew."

  "I'm not afraid of him."

  "You should be. I know I am."

  I searched my mind for something to say but found nothing. I wanted her to stay with me and never go through that door again, never be with that horrible guy again. But she made her decision and there was not much I could say to change her mind that I hadn't already said.

  "Thank you for helping us today," she said.

  "Anytime. It really was nothing. I just did my job."

  "Well it certainly was something to us. You saved her sight."

  "Call me if any complications occur. Promise me that."

  "I will."

  "Are you going to be alright alone with her? Michael is out of town, right?"

  "Yes. He left this morning. His sister will be here later. She always stays with us when he is out of town. Michael makes sure she comes. She keeps an eye on us and stays with Luyu at night when I am ... you know."

  "But she'll surely know about Luyu when she sees her?"

  "She knows everything already. I told her. She supports me and helps me. She loves Luyu and me and knows her baby brother can be a handful, as she puts it. She won't tell. She'll take care of us."

  "I’m glad to hear that," I said.

  Aiyana smiled. See you tonight, I heard her whisper in my mind. Then she leaned over and kissed my forehead just before she got out of the car and took Luyu into her arms. William and I watched them in silence until they disappeared into the house and closed the door.

&nbs
p; Chapter 22

  Weeks later I was almost dying inside missing Aiyana so badly. I hadn't seen her since the follow-up visit and that had been short because of my packed schedule due to the many cancellations lately. And since Luyu was doing so great I couldn't find any reason to schedule another visit no matter how much I wanted to. We still had our encounters in the swamps but I missed hearing Aiyana's voice so badly I found myself trying to look for it among the constant whispering in my head. She was either too far away or I just wasn't trained enough to listen in on her thoughts if she wasn't in the room. I knew she was able to listen to me, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't find her, I couldn't hear her. It drove me almost insane.

  I had never been closer to anyone in my life than I was in that moment our thoughts had met. It had been a closeness and intimacy beyond anything I could ever imagine to have with another human being. It made me love her more, it made me crazy for her. Not only for her flesh or her body but also for her spirit, her mind, her soul, and heck every part of her. I knew she had told me we couldn't see each other but I was slowly withering inside from missing her, from wanting her. William seemed to be almost as love struck as I was. He was crying at night asking desperately to see Luyu, to have a play date with her. He looked at me just before going to sleep; he stared at me with his huge blue eyes asking me if I “could please call her mom?"

  "I am sorry son, but we can't," I answered thinking that if he only knew that there was nothing in this world I would rather do.

  "But why, Far? Why?"

  "I just can't, buddy. I’m sorry. You'll understand once you're older," I said using the cowardly explanation that parents always do when they can't tell the truth.

  During the day I caught myself daydreaming in the office that she would call and ask me to come to the beach and meet with her. I would relive the one day we had together with our children again and again in my mind as I walked the clinic's hallways and did my procedures as a zombie - doing what was expected of me but hardly being able to differentiate one day from another, one patient from another.

  Every day when I got back from the clinic I went upstairs to the bedroom door and knocked to see if Heather would answer. She stayed in her bed all day drinking and crying. One day I had become so scared that something had happened to her since she didn't answer when I knocked and I couldn't hear her at all - that I kicked in the door. Heather screamed as the door came open with a huge slam. She had been asleep, she told me. Tears piled up in my eyes as I looked at her. She had become so skinny. All muscles in her body were gone. Her skin was incredibly pale and I could see all her veins underneath it. She had deep dark circles around her eyes and her weight loss made them look unnaturally big and deeply set into the face. I fell to my knees in front of her crying.

  "Please let me help you. Please."

  She didn't answer. She didn't even look at me. All she did was to grab her glass from the bedside table and empty it. Then she put her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes.

  She came down the stairs one morning as I drank my coffee in the kitchen. Sarah had taken William to school and I was about to leave as well when I saw her on the stairs. She was fully dressed. Heather moved slowly and carefully while dragging a suitcase after her, bumping it on every step. I put my cup on the counter and stared at her motionless. She was struggling with the suitcase. My heart dropped as I realized what was about to happen.

  "Where are you going?" I asked and stepped closer.

  She dragged the suitcase down the last steps. She looked so weak I wondered if she would faint at any moment. She was out of breath. Once the suitcase landed on the tiles she stopped and looked at me.

  "I am leaving you Chris."

  I shook my head heavily pushing back the tears. "No you don't," I said like I believed I had a say in it. "You can't. You can't leave us."

  "Yes I can. It is the best for everybody," she said.

  I shook my head desperately. "No. No it is not good for anyone. You belong here. This is your home."

  She sighed. "I don't belong with you, Chris. I never did. I loved you, I really did. Hell if I am even still capable of loving then I think I still love you. And that's why I am leaving you. I've had a lot of time to think about this. This is my decision. This is the way I want it."

  She turned her back at me and grabbed the handle on the suitcase.

  I grabbed her arm. It was only skin and bone. I had to restrain myself in order to not hurt her. She was that fragile. "Why won't you just let me help you? We can fight this. There is a lot of new medication out there that is helping people. They say that in a few years they think that they will find a medication that will make people be able to live with this for years without being sick. We have money. We can pay the best doctors and try all kinds of research medicine. I have connections. I can get you everything you need."

  Heather shook her head heavily. She started coughing that terrifying cough that I still remember vividly even this many years later. Then she spoke. "I don't want to be a lab rat for some experimental drug. I am dying, Chris and there is not a damn thing you can do about it."

  "Yes. Yes there is. Don't you realize it? This is 1993. Doctors know a lot more than they did ten years ago."

  "But they still don't know how to cure me," she said. "I read the papers too. Thousands die from this disease every year. And even if I were to live a few more years because of some drug, even if I did, then I would be an outcast. Everybody would flee from me as soon as they realized. People think they can get it from a mosquito-bite for Christ sake. I can't even hide it any longer. I started having rashes in my face. It shows that I am sick. It is obvious to anyone who sees me. Nobody wants to be in a room with an AIDS patient. Because what if. What if the doctors are wrong and you can actually get it from breathing the same air or maybe if I was to sneeze at someone. People are scared, Chris. And I am the monster they are afraid of. As of this year AIDS has become the leading cause of deaths among persons twenty-five to forty-four years old in this country. That's me, Chris. I will soon be part of that statistic. When I am gone I will be just one more number on that list."

  "But you don't have to leave me because of it. I’ll take care of you. If only you'd let me." I heard my own voice stutter.

  Heather had tears in her eyes when she spoke. "How can I do that to you? I want you to go out and live your life. Go have the life you always wanted. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I am the one holding you back. I always have been. Well, now you're free."

  "And what about William? Aren't you even going to say goodbye to him?" A string of tears escaped the corner of my eye. I couldn't hold them back any longer.

  "I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to see me die, Chris. Tell him I’m already dead. It's easier that way."

  "I can't do that!"

  "Well you have to." Heather started walking, dragging the suitcase after her.

  "Just like that, huh? How can you throw away ten years? Ten years we have been together. We are married, we have a child, and we share history. We are a family."

  "I am sorry, Chris. I truly am. But this is the only way I can deal with this. This is the only way for me."

  "Where will you go?"

  "It is best you don't know. I will not tell you. You’ll only come looking for me and I don't want you to. I am going to hide somewhere until I die." Heather was crying now and trying desperately to hide it.

  "But ... But. Will you be going to your parent’s house?"

  "It is best you don't know where I am. But no. I am not going home to my parents. Tell them that I have died."

  "I can't do that," I said. "I refuse to lie to them like that. Or to William. How do you expect me to do this? To pick up the pieces after you?" I was also crying now. Mostly for William's fragile heart, but also for my own sake. I did love Heather and I desperately wanted to help her, to be there for her to the end. That was after all my promises to her when we got married. "I am not going to do it!"
>
  Heather walked towards the front door. Then she turned and looked at me. She was so pale I could almost see through her skin and spot every vein in her face.

  "Goodbye Chris."

  "Don't you dare walk out that door!" I yelled after her as she opened it and stepped outside. My voice had become high-pitched, its shriek echoed in the empty hall of our house. I ran after her still yelling. "I tell you if you leave this house you'll never get to see your son again. Do you hear me? Do you?"

  She did, but she didn't care. I received one last look from her as she got in the car and started the engine. A few seconds later I watched her as she drove off into the street while leaving me on the stairs feeling helplessly lonely and abandoned.

  I stayed home from the clinic that day. I called Julie and let her know what had happened. That Heather had left me and I needed a day to get myself back together. I told her to let my patients know how sorry I was but there had been a family emergency. That wasn't a complete lie.

  I ran upstairs to our bedroom where Heather had hidden herself for weeks. I pulled away the curtains and opened all windows to let fresh air and light take over this room that smelled like human decay. Then I pulled all bed sheets and pillowcases off the bed and threw it all in one pile when I heard Sarah come back. She had been grocery shopping and I heard her in the kitchen putting away all the groceries. She came upstairs and gasped as she saw the empty bed.

  "Heather has left us," I said speaking harshly.

  Sarah looked at me surprised. I very seldom spoke angrily to her. But at this moment I was more than angry. I was furious. Devastated and frantic. "Could you help me? We need the room to be completely cleaned. I want every trace of her out of this house. I want all of her clothes and her stuff packed up in boxes and piled in the guestroom ready for her or her parents to pick up. I want every bottle of alcohol and every vial of pills removed from this house, burned or thrown away I don't care. I just want anything that will ever remind me of her or of what she has done to us - gone for eternity. I never want her name mentioned in this house again. I even want her smell gone," I said and grabbed a perfume bottle that she had left behind. I looked at it for a few seconds before I threw it against the wall and smashed it to pieces.