Broken

  "Of course," Sarah nodded and began helping me with the sheets.

  I began pulling Heather's dresses from the closet. Sarah brought some old boxes that we had used the last time we moved and we started stuffing them with Heather's things. It felt good. It felt so good to get rid of it all. If this was the way she wanted things to end, then this was how she was going to get it. I had tried enough; I had begged her to let me help her, pleaded with her to stay for William's sake if not for mine. If that wasn't enough to make her stay, then I couldn't do anymore. I didn't want to do anymore. I was fed up.

  "So what are you planning on telling William?" Sarah asked while stuffing more of Heather's expensive dresses into a box.

  "I think it is time I told him the truth."

  "He has been asking questions lately, you know," Sarah said.

  "What kind of questions?" I asked.

  " ‘Why doesn't my mom want to let me into her room? Why doesn't she want to see me anymore?’ Things like that."

  I swallowed hard. "Of course. He is a smart kid. Why wouldn't he start asking questions? I just don't know how much to tell him. It will break his heart."

  Sarah shrugged. "Or give him peace at heart. It is the not knowing that makes you uncertain and insecure."

  I nodded. Then I tore a dress off the hangar and caused it to rip. I sighed and threw it in a garbage bag. "I guess you're right. I was only trying to protect him."

  "I know you were," Sarah said with the hint of a smile. "You're a good man, Chris. And you're an even greater father. But children know when something is going on. They sense it. Sometimes they even know it before their parents do."

  I closed a box with a deep sigh and carried it downstairs to put in a pile with the rest of Heather's stuff. When we were done the house seemed almost empty and I realized how little in this house really belonged to me.

  I picked up William from school later that same day. He ran towards me when I entered his classroom. I found his backpack and took him in my arms as we walked out towards the car.

  "Is everything okay, Far?" he asked. "Has something happened?"

  I sighed and put him down. I opened the car and let him jump into the backseat. Then I got in as well and looked at him in the rearview mirror. His face showed concern and anxiety. I should have known from my own experience that Sarah was right. Not knowing could create all kinds of scenarios in a child's mind. Fear could create the worst thoughts in your head.

  I turned around in my seat and looked at him. His eyes were flickering and afraid. I reached out my hand and took his in mine.

  "William. Mommy has left."

  William's eyes grew wide and big.

  "She is not coming back," I continued.

  "Left? But ...?"

  "I know it is a lot right now, but you and I buddy, we will go through this together, alright? I need you to be strong for me. We men stick together and we will be fine, okay?"

  "But where did she go?"

  I exhaled deeply. "I don't know. She wouldn't tell me."

  "But who is going to kiss her? She needs kisses to make her feel better." His little voice was starting to shake.

  A tear rolled down William's cheek. I wiped it off with my finger. "I don't know, buddy. I don't know."

  William went quiet for a while. He stared at the floor trying to avoid my gaze, like he didn't want me to see that he was sad. "I miss her," he said.

  "Yeah. Me too. But she hasn't been well for a while. Maybe getting away for a while might help her a little. Help her feel better."

  "Can I go visit her?"

  I sighed deeply. "To tell you the truth, then I don't know. It might take a while before she is ready. She is still very tired and weak from being sick this long."

  "Will I ever see her again?" William's voice broke as he spoke.

  My heart skipped a beat. I had no idea how to answer that. "I hope so," was what I said. "I truly hope so, buddy."

  William nodded still avoiding my eyes. He was sobbing quietly. I held his hand tight in mine. "Look at me, William. Look at me," I said.

  He lifted his gaze and stared into my eyes. It broke my heart seeing him like this. I knew what it was like to feel abandoned. "You and me, William. We will be fine, okay? You and I we will always have each other and nothing will ever change that. Do you understand? Mom is very sick and she isn’t thinking right, okay? It is not her fault. She doesn't know what she is doing. She is just really really sad and I know that she misses you just as much as you miss her. But for her sake we have to be strong right now. And together we will be. Okay? Can I count on you?"

  William sniffed. Then he nodded.

  "Pinky promise?" I asked and reached out my pinky.

  William nodded again and hooked his pinky into mine. "Pinky promise," he said.

  Then we drove home to Sarah.

  Chapter 23

  It didn't make a big difference in our lives that Heather was gone. As a matter of fact everything settled a little once we returned to our daily lives and got some structure into it. The constant worrying wore off and was replaced by anger inside of me, anger towards her for leaving us, for abandoning William and crushing his heart. I thought about her a lot and I knew William did too. Each night he asked if I had heard from her or if I thought she was okay. One night he asked if Mom was in the forest like Snow White and lived with the dwarfs. The thought gave him some peace and assurance because he knew they would take good care of her and keep her safe. I let him stay in the fairy tale world since it enabled him to let go of her easier.

  But I worried about him. I worried a lot. He seemed fine most days and in school they said he was doing great, he was more well-behaved and listened better than before. It gave me hope that he would be fine eventually. Maybe Sarah was right; the not knowing had troubled him. Now Heather was gone and he could move on with his life even if it was with a big hole in his heart even if it meant missing his mom. His mother was with the dwarves in the forest and with them she was fine. That was what he told his friends and that was what he kept saying to me and Sarah as well.

  So slowly we moved on. I started coming home earlier in the afternoon to spend time with William and I always put him to bed at night. We got into a nice routine and with the help and love of Sarah we lacked nothing. At night I met up with Aiyana and we hunted all night and returned to our homes just before sunrise. It was a time of great stability and calmness in my life.

  On the inside I was desperate to be closer to Aiyana and touch her as a human as well. I was with her every night but that didn't fulfill my longing for her. It wasn't enough. I missed talking to her. At night we were animals, thinking and reacting like animals. We shared the hunt, the prey and the feast. But nothing else. I missed being with her as a human, discussing important and unimportant things with her. It's going to sound crazy but most of all I missed dancing with her. We used to sing and dance in her mother's house when we first met. Being around her always brought me joy. She had that effect on me. It was enchanting. I never had the same feeling when we roamed the swamps at night as jaguars. That was something completely different. That was pure instinct. It was raw and even brutal at times. It is hard to explain because we did share nice moments out there. We truly did. But it was unfulfilling, not quite the same as when we had been together as humans. I didn't feel like we became one. I wanted so badly to experience that again.

  I was always filled with a strange sadness when sunrise came upon us and we had to separate once again. To be frank; I hated it. A part of my heart was ripped out every time, a part that was never healed until the following night when I would run like the wind towards the Twelve Mile Swamps and her, complete again.

  One day something amazing happened. She called me. I was in my office signing papers I didn't even bother to read when Julie told me there was someone on line one. "A former patient," she said.

  I picked it up anticipating someone completely different. I froze when I heard her voice. Everything stopped inside of me, the
blood in my veins paused for just a second. I was completely taken off guard.

  "It's Aiyana." Her voice was calm but serious and at first I feared that something was very wrong.

  "Is there a problem with Luyu's eyes?" I asked.

  "No. No. Luyu is just fine. Her eyes are great. Says she has never seen better."

  I relaxed. "Okay. That is good news." I paused. She was also quiet. "Well it is wonderful to hear your voice again," I said, closing my eyes. I didn't know when I would ever hear that voice again and wanted to remember every little thing about it for eternity.

  She paused. "You too," she almost whispered.

  "I’ve missed you."

  "Don't," she said. "Don't."

  "Okay."

  A long pause followed. I heard her breathe heavily. Was she waiting for me to speak? I looked for words but found none. I was afraid of saying something that would make her hang up. Then I started hearing her thoughts again. Small whispering words. Just say it ... You have to say it!

  "What's going on, Aiyana?" I asked.

  There was turmoil in her end and another voice was suddenly in the phone. It was a male voice. Oh my God. It was her husband!

  "Hello!" he said. "Is this Dr. Langaa?" He sounded pompous already.

  I cleared my throat and sat up in my chair. Aiyana wasn't there anymore, not even her thoughts. I couldn't hear her at all. "Yes. This is he. Could you please explain what this is regarding?" I put on my doctor's voice.

  "Of course, doctor. I was calling regarding my daughter Luyu. It has come to my attention that you recently performed a surgical procedure on both of her eyes is that correct?"

  I went quiet. My heart was beating fast now. What was this? Aiyana had told me she was keeping it a secret from her husband. Why was he calling asking me that? Had she told him anyway? Well since he already knew I figured I might as well tell the truth. "Yes. That's correct," I said using a more normal tone to my voice. "I did it for free," I said knowing that money was a huge concern in their lives. "It didn't cost you a penny."

  Aiyana's husband chuckled in the other end. "See that is what I have trouble understanding. When my wife told me that - I kept thinking but why? Who would in their right mind do that kind of thing for free? No doctor I’ve ever met, that's for sure." He paused and I heard him take a drag on a cigarette. He exhaled heavily. "But I was thinking that maybe you could enlighten me on that subject, Doctor. Is this pure charity on your account? Is it something you do as a charity to all people with lesser means or is it just for my wife? Because it is an awfully nice gesture, I have to say. Some might even call it generous. And I do like generous people. I like them a lot. So what the little Mrs. and I were thinking - well it was mostly me I guess - was that we would like to repay you for your mighty nice gesture by inviting the sweet doctor to a wonderful dinner here at our house. It won't be as fancy as you are probably used to, but it will be a free dinner. Now who can say no to that, huh?"

  "It is awfully kind of you, sir, but I really don't think ..."

  "Come by at six. You know the address."

  Then he hung up.

  I sat with the phone in my hand for long while just staring at it, wondering what the heck was going on. What was that all about? Michael had found out about the operation on his own somehow and now wanted to punish Aiyana for going behind his back. But why invite me to dinner? What could he possibly gain by doing that? I was torn. On one hand I had no intentions of letting this man boss me around and tell me to come to his house if I didn't want to. On the other I was hugely concerned about Aiyana. What would happen to her if I didn't show up? That husband of hers seemed out of control. He wasn't trustworthy and I didn't like his tone of voice. It was condescending. He was definitely up to something. I just couldn't - by the life of me - figure out what.

  Chapter 24

  Aiyana opened the door to the small house when I rang the doorbell. When she saw me she opened the screened door as well. I gave her the bouquet of flowers I had bought on my way there since I didn't want to show up empty-handed. I was nervous. Her beauty startled me and made it worse. She looked gorgeous in a light red summer dress with yellow flowers. It was one of those intense warm October Florida evenings when the humidity stuck to your skin. The dampness on her dark skin glimmered in the sun. I had put on a nice suit but was already sweating underneath and the sight of Aiyana made me sweat even more. Her hair was moving like waves in the ocean.

  "You look bea..." I said but she interrupted me.

  "Don't let him hear you," she whispered. "Don't compliment me."

  She raised her eyes to mine. I smiled shy and flushed slightly. Michael came out from behind her. She crouched at his presence. It was the first time I saw him up close. Up until then I had only seen him once shortly ten years ago and then later in Aiyana's memories. He was more handsome than I remembered. He hadn't aged much; he looked like he was in his mid-twenties. His brown hair was long and thick, put in a ponytail in his neck. He was unshaven, raw and muscular. The heat left perspiration glittering on his dark skin. A set of deep brown eyes stared at me. Then he smiled widely. "Flowers? Now isn't that nice?" He said. Then he looked at Aiyana. "Don't just stand there. Go and take the pretty flowers that the nice doctor brought for you and put them in some water."

  Aiyana nodded with her head bowed. Then she reached out and grabbed the flowers. As she did I noticed she had several bruises on the upper part of her arm. Something snapped inside of me as I saw them. Aiyana didn't bruise easily. I knew that much. She had hardly shown any signs after the encounter with the wild coyotes while I had been beaten up. Someone had to have been really corporal with her to leave marks like that. Our eyes locked for one second as she realized I saw the bruises. Then she walked back into the house.

  "Well don't just stand there. Come on in, doctor," Michael said with a forced smile on his face. I swallowed hard to restrain myself before I stepped inside.

  "Dr. Christian!" the scream came from the living room and I barely managed to turn myself around to look in its direction before Luyu was jumping me with a small shriek.

  "How are your eyes?" I asked.

  "Perfect, Dr. Christian. I can see everything now."

  "That's good."

  Michael watched us. "Well what do you know? Even my own daughter greets you more lovingly than she does me. That is truly something," he said, smiling. "You have really made an impact on my family. You must be a very special man."

  I didn't answer. I hugged Luyu before I put her down. Then I turned to look at Aiyana in the kitchen. She took a bowl of salad and put it on the dinner table. Her hands were shaking slightly. The smell from the kitchen was incredible and for a few seconds I was taken back to Aiyana's childhood home where I ate and danced and played the guitar ten years ago. The enchanted memory made me smile, my eyes still fixed on Aiyana. I missed playing my guitar and having music in my life. I hadn't played since the day I had realized that Aiyana was actually going to marry someone else. I put away the guitar and never picked it up again. Since Heather hadn't cared much about music, we never listened to any in the house. I wondered how I could so easily have forgotten about something this important in my life. How did this happen?

  When I returned to reality I saw Michael looking at me with his arm crossed. I was still staring at Aiyana. I chuckled nervously.

  "Need any help in the kitchen?" I asked.

  Michael shook his head and walked closer. He grabbed my shoulder and held it firmly. "Aiyana is a wonderful cook. She doesn't need us to mess it all up," he said. "Come. Let's drink."

  He led me into the living room where he handed me a glass of whiskey. A door was open to one of the bedrooms where I spotted two dog-cages. Michael closed the door. "Trying to sell them. I used to have dogs," he said. "Pit Bull Terriers."

  "What happened to them?" I asked.

  "I had to have them put down. Bothered some of the neighbors apparently. Bit a lady and she complained to the police. She probably had it coming, bu
t anyway I had to have it done. Too expensive anyway, to feed big animals like that. And you can't trust them either." Then he looked at Aiyana working in the kitchen. "Big animals like that might all of a sudden turn on you when you aren't looking." Michael paused and stared into the air. Then he smiled as if he suddenly remembered that he had a guest. "Anyway. Let's drink." He pushed my glass closer to me.

  "I don't really drink," I said. "Not since my wife ..."

  "Ahh, that's right," he interrupted me. Then drank from his glass. "She left you didn't she?" he continued once he had swallowed the drink.

  I nodded. "Just recently. She had a drinking problem, so that's why ..."

  Michael laughed out loud. "She has the drinking problem but you’re the one who stops drinking. That makes no sense."

  "No, I guess it doesn't."

  Michael stopped laughing and handed me the glass. "Here. She’s gone, isn't she? No reason for you to not drink."

  "I guess one wouldn't hurt ..." I grabbed the glass and took a sip. It felt good and calmed me down a little. I had no idea what I was doing there or where this was going. I felt highly uncomfortable being close to this man but I really wanted to be here for Aiyana. I enjoyed being close to her even given the circumstances.

  Michael padded me on my back. "There you go. Now we can talk."

  The dinner was as incredible as I anticipated. Sublime even. Scallops and mahi mahi that Michael had caught. Portobello mushroom, sautéed spinach, roasted tomato, rosemary, mushroom Marsala sauce and mashed potato. Even though I hardly had any appetite during daytime any longer I ate and enjoyed it immensely. Aiyana sat across the table from and hardly spoke nor did she touch her food. I tried to pick up on her thoughts but never received much. She avoided even looking at me. Every now and then I caught her eye and tried to smile at her, but she just flushed and turned her head pretending it didn't happen. All the while I sensed how Michael's eyes were watching the both of us closely. It was extremely uncomfortable.