Zane's the Other Side of the Pillow

  He felt like he was not good enough for her, like she had outgrown him over the years. He had to admit that he might have tried to keep her pregnant in order to keep her in his life. They had nine children. But while she normally would get herself back together—losing weight, reading, perfecting her hair and makeup, dressing good, smelling good—he had always felt that it was for his benefit. He sensed something was different this time—like she was doing it for herself and that she would eventually leave him, even if it were not specifically for another man.

  He said that if she were single and he met her now, she never would have given him the time of day. That she would only be interested in men who had themselves more together, men who were on her level both physically and financially. He was making excuses for why he had not achieved more.

  Then it came down to the truth, slipped nonchalantly into the last paragraph. A couple of years before, he had cheated on her and she had forgiven him. That was what it came down to. It was different this time around after childbirth. He didn’t think she had actually gotten over his shit and that caring so much for herself meant that she would likely feel like she deserved better than a man who would disrespect her like that.

  He was definitely onto something. I immediately thought of Courtney and what she would do if she found out that Floyd was cheating on her. Even though Courtney had “elected” to be a stay-at-home mother and wife, she was brilliant and attractive and any man would be blessed to have her. She took care of herself—spiritually and physically—and her clothes, hair, and makeup were all always on point. Courtney was thebomb.com and she really did not deserve the shit that Floyd was doing to her.

  Ever since Tevin had “slipped” and told me the truth, I had fought a never-ending war within myself over whether or not to tell her the truth. The way I looked at it, the outcome had a few possibilities. Courtney could tell Floyd to kiss her ass and file for divorce immediately. Courtney could decide to stay and suggest marital counseling. Courtney could pretend like it never happened and stay for her kids, but never trust Floyd again.

  There was one other possibility. That Courtney could curse me out because she already knew, or at least suspected, that he had cheated once, or was a habitual cheater. I decided that I would try to feel her out before I said anything. Then again, I was not one to play games.

  Shit! I wish he’d never told me!

  It was one of those “your ears must’ve been burning” moments. As soon as I finished that thought, my cell phone started ringing. It was Courtney.

  “Hey, girl,” I said into the phone.

  “What you know good?” she replied. “Just calling to check on you. See if you needed anything. The kids and I can drop by and bring you whatever you need. Or I can get a sitter and come keep you company for a while.”

  “Aw, you’re so sweet, but I’m fine. Just watching a bunch of television, reading tons of stuff, and sleeping way too damn much.”

  “There’s no such thing as sleeping too much when you’re pregnant.”

  “What about eating too much? I am eating like ten men.”

  We both laughed.

  “Girl, do you,” Courtney said. “That’s part of the joy of pregnancy. You have a valid excuse to go buck wild and throw down six times a day if you want.”

  “Yeah, but if I get too fat, Tevin is going to have to roll me out the door and to the hospital when I go into labor.”

  She giggled. “Talk about exaggerating. I bet you haven’t put on ten pounds yet.”

  “Try twenty-six.”

  “Twenty-six? Must be all tits and ass because it’s damn sure not in your stomach.”

  “You haven’t seen me undressed. As soon as I get it back together, I’m going to have to do some serious shopping for maternity clothes. Or borrow some of yours.”

  “Yes, yes. My shit is fly. I’ll get some of it together and bring it over this weekend. I probably spent more on maternity clothes than my regular stuff.”

  “Well, it’s hard to feel cute when you look like a whale. But I’m sure you have some awesome stuff. Would love to use some, if you don’t mind.”

  “Of course I don’t mind.” She paused long enough to tell one of the kids to stop switching channels on the television remote. They were constantly fighting over the TV in the family room, even though all four of them had their own sets in their bedrooms. Sibling rivalry was more than just a passé term. “Tell you what. Why don’t we all have dinner together on Friday? If you don’t feel like going out, I can prepare something and bring it over.”

  “I don’t want to put you out like that.”

  “Put me out? Girl, I cook at least five days a week for a gaggle of kids. Making dinner for you and Tevin and getting a break is exciting. We can all catch up.”

  When she said that, I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath.

  Say something, Jemistry!

  I tried to be creative right quick.

  Feel her out!

  “Can I ask you a question, Courtney?” I readjusted myself on the sofa to lie on my left side. “About marriage.”

  “Sure, shoot.”

  “Tevin’s been married before but I haven’t. I realize it’s a huge commitment but what are the biggest differences between dating or living together and marriage? At least in your opinion.”

  She giggled. “That’s a loaded question and it highly depends on the two people in the marriage, what their expectations are, and what kind of family background they had.”

  “I keep forgetting that you were a psych major. You’re going deep.”

  “Okay, I’ll try to tone it down.” She chuckled. “All I’m saying is that everyone has different outlooks on what it means to make a commitment. And there are different reasons people get married in the first place.

  “Some consider marriage to be a business arrangement. Two people with like-minded goals agree to build a life together of the three Ps.”

  “Three Ps?”

  “Prosperity, procreation, and productivity.”

  “Like I said, deep.”

  “Others get married because they are so in love that they can’t imagine ever living without each other. They want to grow old together, change each other’s diapers and dentures, and be buried side by side.

  “Then there are those who fall somewhere in the middle. Ones that get married because they believe it is expected of them, because all of their friends are doing it, and because they come from a situation where their parents have been married for decades.”

  “I see.”

  “Oh, and I cannot forget the females who get married just so they won’t be alone. Those kind want their men to be a different set of three Ps. They want a priest, a provider, and a protector on twenty-four-hour duty.”

  “Yeah, I have quite a few friends who fall into that category. They are afraid to do anything by themselves.” I sighed. “But I have to add that when you start adding women into the mix who are abused, get pregnant young, and are economically at a disadvantage, that leads to a lot of other reasons.”

  “True enough.”

  Tevin Jr. kicked and I felt like the wind was being knocked out of me. I gasped.

  “Are you okay, Jemistry?” Courtney asked in a panic.

  “I’m fine. The little one kicked. Might be upset about those enchiladas I ate for lunch.”

  “Yeah, those can cause some serious indigestion.”

  “What about women who share their husbands?” I blurted out. “I’m not talking about being polygamous and all that, but women who know their men are dicking other chicks down and don’t say anything about it.”

  I could hear Courtney sucking her teeth through the phone. “Shit, that could never be me. I wish Floyd would step out on me. It’d be the official date of his death. I can tell you that much right now. I don’t see how any woman would sit by and let a man disrespect her like that. I’m not having it. Fuck that!”

  Whelp! That answers that question!

  “Why’d y
ou ask that?” she inquired. “I hope you don’t think Tevin’s cheating on you. It’ll never happen. He’s the most honest man I’ve ever met. He’s a man of integrity and I know for a fact that he never cheated on Estella.”

  “I don’t believe he ever cheated on her either.”

  “You need to let that shit that happened with your former roommate go.”

  “I have let it go. I trust Tevin. I was simply throwing out a topic out of boredom,” I lied, trying not to make it seem like I was feeling her out. “Sitting here day after day is not my friend. When Tevin comes home every evening, I almost feel like he’s coming back from a two-year deployment.”

  “Wow!”

  “Yes, it’s bad. Friday night sounds good, though. I should be okay to go out. Heaven knows that I need to get out of here. The weather’s still nice. It’s going to get cold soon.”

  “I know, right. The Old Farmer’s Almanac is predicting another blizzard like we had at the beginning of 2010. Do you remember it?”

  “Hell, who could forget Snowmageddon?”

  We both chuckled.

  “School was closed for ten days in a row. It was a mess,” I added. “Next time they call for something like that, I’m catching the first thing smoking out of here for Florida or somewhere else warm.”

  “Well, you can pack the kids and me in your suitcases because we’re leaving, too. Never again. I can see why our men have to stay, but we can jet. Schools are going to be closed regardless.”

  “Exactly!”

  The doorbell rang. I couldn’t imagine who it might be. Maybe a delivery.

  “Courtney, let me holler at you later. There’s someone at the door.”

  “No problem. See you on Friday, if I don’t talk to you before then.”

  “For sure. Love you, sis.”

  “Love you, too.”

  Chapter Thirty

  “To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.”

  —Karen Sunde

  Who is it?” I asked at the same time that I glanced through the peephole in the front door. Before she could answer, I took a step back. I recognized her from older photographs.

  This cannot be happening!

  “Jemistry, my name is Estella Harris,” she said from the other side of the door.

  I hesitated to open it. Then I decided that I was too damn old to be acting so damn immature.

  I opened the door. “Tevin’s not here right now.”

  “Actually, I came here to see you.”

  I looked at her like she was crazy. Her eyes dropped to my stomach and I felt guilty. Not sure why but I did.

  “Do you mind if I come in?”

  There was no win-win answer to that question. If I said that I didn’t mind, I was going to have to hold a conversation with her that I had neither anticipated taking place nor wanted to have. If I said that I did mind, she would think that I was jealous of her and throwing shade. Part of me wanted to know what she wanted to say. The other part asked myself why would I give a damn what she wanted to say.

  There was no reason for me to dislike her. She had never done anything to me and, as far as I knew, she had never done anything to Tevin either. Still, the mere thought that she was the woman that Tevin had once loved, and professed his love for like he was now doing with me, was unnerving. The fact that he had planted his seed in her numerous times was almost too much. Almost.

  I moved aside. “Come in.”

  “Thank you.”

  Estella entered and walked into the living room as I shut the door.

  I followed her and pointed to the sofa. “Please, have a seat.”

  She sat and scanned the room. “Lovely house. I’ve never actually been here before.”

  “Oh, I figured you had been.” I sat in the armchair. “He’s had this place for a while.”

  “I’ve had the address, to forward his mail and all, but no, I’ve never actually been here. He purchased this house after our divorce was . . .”

  “Final,” I said, finishing her sentence for her. “I don’t mean to sound rude, but why exactly are you here?”

  “Tevin called me last week.”

  “Oh?”

  Yes, I’m jealous!

  “It’s not what you might imagine,” she quickly stated, sensing that I was wondering what the fuck he’d called her for. “He called me to ask me for advice.”

  Are you for real?

  “He wanted my help in trying to convince you to marry him.”

  I frowned. “Being that we’ve never met a day in our lives, what made him think that you could give him that type of advice?”

  “I get what you’re saying, but I also understood where he was coming from. Tevin doesn’t have a lot of people to open up to. And let’s face it, if he were to discuss his true feelings with most men, they’d call him a pussy or weak, and tell him to man up.”

  I nodded. She had a valid point. Men were taught to hide their emotions a lot and other men did tend to ridicule them for expressing themselves. It was part of the “man code” to act hard at all times, right along with never letting them see you cry, and if you are caught doing some shit you have no business doing, deny, deny, deny.

  “Estella, I appreciate you coming over here, but I don’t feel comfortable discussing my relationship with Tevin with you. You’re his ex-wife and that means that, at some point, you were his world. I’m not trying to take your place but I don’t want you interjecting your opinions either.

  “There’s no reason for us to get to know each other, hang out, or trade fairy tales. You’re in his past and, from what he told me, you’re engaged, maybe even married by now, and you’ve moved on. It would be different if the two of you had ki . . .”

  Shit!

  The expression on her face changed.

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to—”

  “Understood, Jemistry. I get your point. If we had children together, you and I would have no other option but to get along. And you’re right. I am his past and I have no intention of being in constant communication with Tevin, any more than he plans on doing that with me.

  “We’ve only spoken twice in the past six months. Prior to that, I hadn’t spoken to him in years.”

  “I see.”

  “We don’t have to discuss your business. You can merely listen.”

  We stared at each other for a few moments. She was really an attractive and well-put-together woman, and she seemed genuine. Suddenly, sadness swept over me. I could see why Tevin had married her, and how they were a cute couple that had been ripped apart by tragedy after tragedy. But I had to admit that I was glad that their marriage did not last. If it had, Tevin and I would have never met.

  “Sure, I’ll hear you out,” I said. “I’m sure you know more about the inner workings of Tevin’s mind than most people, even me.”

  “Tevin loves you and it is quite upsetting to him for his son to be born out of wedlock. For a lot of men these days, they could not care less, but he’s different. He has a core value system and this entire situation is going against it. I’m surprised he even agreed to live together prior to marriage.”

  “He insisted on it,” I stated defensively. “I had my own place but he wanted me here with him. I explained to him that I wasn’t ready for marriage.”

  I held out my hand so she could see the ring. She also had on one but I refused to ask if she was remarried yet. Then I recalled her saying that her name was Estella Harris at the door. She had not tied the knot yet.

  “It doesn’t mean that I don’t plan on doing it. That’s why I have this on. But I want to wait.”

  “Wait for?”

  None of your damn business!

  “I’m not trying to dredge up any painful memories for you, so I prefer to bypass that question, Estella.”

  She squinted, analyzing what I had said. I hated when people outthought a thinker like me.

  “Let me take a shot in the dark,” she said. “You’re afraid you might lose the baby and you don??
?t want Tevin to end up in another toxic marriage behind it?”

  “Actually, I almost lost the baby already. I had an accident.”

  “He told me.”

  “But, yes, even prior to then, the thought definitely crossed my mind. I wanted to make it through my second trimester first. Is that a crime?”

  “No, but I assume you’re almost there.”

  “Almost.”

  “Then I guess you really didn’t need me to come over here after all,” she said and then grinned uncomfortably.

  “You could’ve saved the trip.”

  We both sat there looking at each other.

  “I’m sorry. I’m being rude,” I stated after a pregnant pause. “Would you like something to drink?”

  “No, but thank you,” she said. “I have to say that I’m delighted Tevin found you. He deserves to be happy.”

  “So do you,” I replied, shifting in my chair.

  She stared at my stomach. “He told me that it’s a boy.”

  “Yes. We plan to name him Tevin Junior.”

  “Of course. He deserves that, too. There are times when I wish that things could’ve been different. But I wasn’t in a stable frame of mind after the miscarriages. I shut down. I became a phantom. Tevin was in a marriage by himself.

  “He hung in there. He never would’ve left me on his own. We both realized that. It wasn’t in his nature. So I filed for divorce and set him free.

  “I’ve matured a lot now. The old me could’ve never sat here, across from you, the woman he loves now, pleading for you to marry him.”

  “We all evolve as we age,” I replied. “The old me never would’ve answered the door if my man’s ex-anything came knocking on it. But the seasoned me realizes that both Tevin and I have a past. If he ran across one of the men that I used to be with, I’d hope that they could act like grown men and not boys.

  “Tevin loves me and only me; I’m convinced of that. He will always carry feelings for you but they’re not the same.”

  I couldn’t believe that I was now preaching everything that Tevin had been trying to convince me of all along.