Heaven

  “He sounds great.” I smiled.

  “He’s very serious. He dropped his fraternity because it was taking time away from study and he doesn’t party at all but I’m working on that. Hey, I’m meeting him right now in the Union. Why don’t y’all come?”

  “We can’t stay,” Gabriel said.

  “That’s okay. Beth, you’ll come, won’t you? We haven’t hung out in forever!”

  She remembered Xavier’s presence and cast him a fleeting glance. “You can come too if you like.” She slipped her arm through mine, claiming my attention.

  “Uh … Molly, I have a few things to tell you before we go.”

  “Yeah,” she agreed. “Like where the heck you disappeared to on graduation and why you haven’t answered any of my calls.”

  “It’s complicated,” I said. “We kind of got married.”

  “Shut up!” Molly let out a scream of excitement and I frantically shushed her. “You did not.”

  “Yeah, we did,” said Xavier. “But here’s the best bit: You can’t tell anyone here because they think we’re brother and sister.”

  Molly blinked in confusion. “Huh?”

  I patted her on the arm. “It’s a long story. I’ll explain on the way.”

  “Wait!” Molly shook her head in dismay and stopped dead in her tracks. “You got married and didn’t invite me?”

  Xavier looked over his shoulder and shared a look with my brother and sister. “Good to have you back, Molly,” he said.

  I turned back to see Gabriel still standing by Molly’s car. His hands were deep in his pockets and even from my distance I could see his frown had deepened. I’d never seen quite that expression on my brother’s face before and wasn’t sure I was reading it right. Perhaps I was imagining things but Gabriel looked a little lost.

  11

  Hello, Stranger

  IN the Union, Xavier detached from us to go and talk to a table of friends. I didn’t know who they were or when he’d even had a chance to meet them but Xavier had always operated with such a cool, confident air that people seemed to gravitate toward him and seek out his company. Molly and I lingered at the salad bar.

  “So … just married and having to play brother and sister. That must be fun,” she teased.

  “It sucks,” I confessed, ignoring her levity.

  “I guess you can’t even hold hands.”

  “That’s not the worst part. It’s the other girls. I see the way they look at him.”

  “That’s nothing new—Xavier’s always had girls falling over him.”

  “Molly, there are a lot more girls here.”

  “Yeah,” she agreed. “And Ole Miss students were voted the most attractive in the country.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “That’s very helpful.”

  “C’mon, don’t stress about it,” Molly reassured me. “Xavier’s never even looked at another girl. Why would that change now?”

  “Well, some of them are really pretty and normal,” I said. “Xavier must wonder sometimes how much easier it’d be if he’d just picked one of them instead.”

  “He doesn’t think that. You’re just being paranoid.”

  “I wish they’d be a bit more subtle about it, y’know? They just drool over him, it makes me so mad!” I clenched my fists involuntarily.

  “Well, you can’t blame him for that. As soon as he starts showing any interest in one of them then you have my permission to get mad.”

  “I know,” I agreed. “What makes you so wise all of a sudden?”

  Molly’s face became suddenly distant. “I know what it’s like to want someone who doesn’t want you back. I see how Xavier looks at those girls—he doesn’t see them.”

  “How can you tell?”

  “Because someone once looked at me in exactly the same way.”

  I didn’t have to ask who she was referring to. It still pained me to think of the unhappiness she’d endured in regard to my brother. I had tried to warn her at the time but my warnings had fallen on deaf ears. Months had passed but I sensed the wound was still raw.

  “And how do you feel now?” I asked, hesitant to say his name. “About Gabriel?”

  “It was hard to move on,” Molly admitted, examining the salad dressings with unnecessary focus. “But I’m with Wade now.”

  “What changed?”

  “I just woke up one morning and realized how desperate and pathetic I’d become,” Molly said. “I don’t want to be that girl. Life’s too short to waste loving someone who doesn’t love you back. And then Wade came along and I knew he was going to be good for me.”

  “Wow, you sound so mature these days,” I teased. “Who are you?”

  “Are you saying I was immature before?”

  “I wouldn’t say immature exactly—more like psycho.”

  Molly feigned shock. “Well, I’m boring and stable now.”

  “That’s good but please be careful, Molly,” I said. “Don’t rush into anything you might regret. If this guy is as good as you say he is, you should be able to take your time.”

  “Oh, you don’t have to worry,” Molly said breezily. “Wade’s not like that—he doesn’t even believe in sex before marriage. Nothing physical is really important to him—he says all that can wait.”

  “Really?” I was genuinely surprised. This boy didn’t sound like the type Molly usually went for. In fact he sounded like … well, like Gabriel. I hoped she hadn’t gone out and found a human substitute for him. “Is that what you believe too?” I asked.

  “I think I’ve made a lot of mistakes,” Molly said. “Wade’s been teaching me how I’ve been on the wrong path this whole time. He really understands.”

  “Understands what?” I asked.

  “Everything.” Molly sighed. “I told him everything about my past and he just gets it. There are no secrets between us.”

  “You didn’t tell him about me, right?” I hated to ask, but I had to be sure Molly hadn’t fallen so hard for this boy that she’d thoughtlessly blurted out our family secret.

  “No, are you joking? I don’t want him to think I’m crazy.”

  “That’s a relief.” I broke off as I watched two girls move to where Xavier was standing with the pretext of getting fries. One deliberately brushed past him on the way to the counter.

  “Uh-oh,” Molly said. “The competition is closing in.”

  Even though Molly was joking, I was uncomfortable with the whole situation—it just didn’t sit right. And if I was completely honest, I was starting to feel insecure. These girls were gorgeous, with blond highlights and long, tanned legs. I could pick the type a mile away. They were the sorts of girls that were well connected, drove a Lexus, and went skiing in the winter. They had a profile at Ole Miss and I watched them fall easily into conversation with Xavier and the boys. Even from my distance, my sensitive ears could pick up threads of the discussion—they were talking about the first game of the season. Some of the references went right over my head, but Xavier seemed engaged. They spoke the same language. I knew right away I could never befriend them. They reminded me too much of my own shortcomings. When Molly saw my face, she marched over to Xavier and prodded him on the shoulder. I saw the girls raise their eyebrows and exchange looks.

  “Come on,” Molly said bossily, leading him away. “Let’s go.”

  She didn’t give an explanation and Xavier didn’t ask for one. He merely shrugged and followed her.

  When Wade turned up, he was not what I’d expected. He had carefully tousled hair, clear eyes, and an impish grin. He wore a blue checked shirt and worn leather boots. He looked outdoorsy and next to him, Molly seemed like a pampered princess. I smiled at the thought of her pretending to enjoy camping just to please him.

  “This is Ford and his sister, Laurie,” Molly announced, enunciating slowly to make sure she got our names right. “They’re like, my best friends ever.”

  “Hi, how you doin’?” Wade shook hands with both of us. “Nice to meet you.”

>   “Likewise,” Xavier said.

  “Hey, baby,” Wade began, “weren’t you going to introduce me to your other friends that go here? Beth and … Xavier, wasn’t it?”

  Molly gave me a worried look and I knew that she must have mentioned us to Wade before she knew about the terms of our new arrangement.

  “Those guys changed their minds at the last minute,” she said quickly. “They wanted to go to school in … Wyoming. I hardly talk to them anymore.”

  “Why Wyoming?” Wade asked with a confused look.

  “I dunno.” She shrugged. “Fresh air and all that. Who cares anyway?”

  “Didn’t you say she was your best friend?” Wade persisted.

  “We’re in college now,” Molly told him lightly. “Everything’s changed.”

  Wade didn’t look convinced but Xavier cut in smoothly and changed the subject.

  “So we hear you’ve been taking good care of our girl,” he said, slinging an arm around Molly’s shoulders.

  “Doing my best,” Wade replied, his face serious even though Xavier had been joking. “I’ve been taking her to my church and this weekend we’re going to see some healers in Tennessee.”

  “Healers?” Xavier asked, glancing at Molly. “Are you sick?”

  Molly opened her mouth but Wade answered for her.

  “Not physically,” he said. “But spiritually we have some work to do. It’s okay though.” He gave Molly a comforting smile. “I’ll be there every step of the way.”

  Molly gazed up at him like he was her savior and tucked herself under his arm.

  “What kind of work?” Xavier asked doubtfully.

  “We’re all broken, brother,” Wade said knowingly. “Only the Lord can heal us. I think Molly understands that now.”

  “I’ve learned so much from Wade,” Molly told us with a broad smile. “Everything is going to be okay from now on.”

  * * *

  THE days passed and I fell into a familiar routine. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. No faceless horseman stampeded the Grove, no ash and smoke pervaded the air over the football stadium, and no apparitions appeared in the Johnson commons. My biggest concern was Molly’s relationship with Wade. I knew she believed he was going to save her and she seemed more than willing to follow his directives. Molly might not be perfect, but I didn’t think she was going to find God by following Wade’s step-by-step instructions. He made her sound like a project—a damaged damsel in distress he needed to rescue. I remembered something Gabriel had once told me.

  “There are some people who seek Christ only to serve their own means,” he’d said. “But Christ will not be used. You have to come to Him with complete humility, a complete willingness to accept Him into your heart and give Him reign over every aspect of your life. If you try to use Christ as a solution to your problems, it will not work. You have to serve Him in order for Him to serve you. Standing up in church for an hour on Sunday doesn’t make you a Christian.”

  That was my fear—that Molly was turning to Wade and seeking refuge in religion when she didn’t really believe it in her heart of hearts. It was bound to backfire if she wasn’t careful. She didn’t bring up Gabriel anymore. I wondered if she had locked those memories away someplace where they couldn’t torment her.

  When Molly first met Mary Ellen, a mutual if tacit hostility sprang up between them. There wasn’t enough room for the both of them in my life and Molly had prior claim to the position of best friend and confidante. Besides, for the most part Mary Ellen only talked about boys, or more specifically, Ford. She wanted to know if he’d said anything about her, what kind of music he listened to, and what his favorite color was. She only stopped short of asking for a lock of his hair to keep under her pillow. She’d somehow tracked down his cell number and sent him a text to ask if he wanted to hang out in the Grove after class. When she received no reply, she bombarded me with questions.

  “Why won’t Ford text me back?” She waved her cell under my nose. “Here, read this message. It doesn’t sound too desperate, does it?”

  “It sounds fine,” I said, swatting her away and hoping to cut the conversation short.

  “Then why hasn’t he responded?”

  “I don’t know.” I scowled. “Maybe he’s busy.”

  “Doing what? He’d always have his phone with him.”

  I’d never met a girl quite like Mary Ellen who simply refused to pick up on hints. It was clear that Ford wasn’t showing signs of interest and I clearly didn’t want to discuss the matter, but still she persisted.

  “Do you think maybe he’s scared to get emotionally involved?”

  “Yes, probably,” I said in the most dismissive tone I could muster.

  “You have to help me, Laurie,” she said. “You have to talk to him for me.”

  “Look,” I said, trying hard not to let my mounting irritation show. “I try to stay out of Ford’s love life. No guy is going to listen to his sister anyway.”

  I tried to spend as little time in the dorm as possible. It was confining and claustrophobic and we often woke up to find the bathroom sinks splattered with vomit. After living at Byron for most of my earthly life, this was a rude awakening to the real world of teenagers and their habits. I avoided Mary Ellen as much as I could. But whenever she found me, it was impossible to shake her and no matter what topic I brought up, the conversation inevitably found it’s way back to my brother, Ford.

  * * *

  MARY Ellen wasn’t the only girl causing me grief. I soon had a bigger problem to deal with.

  Three weeks into the semester, Xavier met Peyton Wynn. Peyton Wynn was perfect in every way and she was in Xavier’s biology lab. She came from the right family; she was a Delta Gamma, a devoted Christian, an honors student, and occasionally supplemented her earnings by working as a model for Abercrombie and Fitch. Her résumé was impossibly impressive and she was the rumored candidate for the title of Miss Ole Miss, nominated for her charity work and involvement in campus life. Ordinarily she was the sort of girl I might have become friends with … if she hadn’t asked Xavier to formal.

  She approached us one Friday afternoon as we sat together in the Grove.

  “Hey, Ford.”

  As soon as we heard the voice, Xavier’s foot, which had been playing with mine under the table, instantly jerked away. We both turned to see her standing with her backpack slung easily over one shoulder. Every strand of her long fair hair was in place and she looked fresh as a daisy despite the heavy humidity in the air. It wasn’t fair—not sweating was supposed to be my thing.

  “Hey,” Xavier greeted her warmly. “How you doing?” I could see he genuinely liked her and wasn’t simply tolerating her presence like he did with Mary Ellen.

  “Good, thanks.” Peyton smiled a perfect smile. “Finally done with class for the day.”

  “Ready for the weekend, I’ll bet,” Xavier said. “This is my sister, Laurie, by the way. Laurie, meet Peyton, she’s in my biology class.”

  “Hi!” Peyton shook my hand. “Are you going out for rush?”

  “I’m still thinking about it,” I replied.

  “You’ll meet some of your best friends in a sorority,” she told me. “Speaking of which, Ford, I was wondering if you want to go to the formal with me?”

  She asked so confidently, without a hint of nervousness or hesitation. Xavier looked taken aback.

  “I didn’t know any formals were coming up so soon,” he said uneasily.

  “Yeah, we’re having one before we get all the pledges in,” she said. “It’s two weeks away.”

  “Oh,” Xavier said, casting a glance in my direction. “Cool.” I could tell he was tongue-tied and that didn’t happen to him very often. He was being asked on a date right in front of his wife.

  “So, are you in?” Peyton asked.

  “Sure,” Xavier said with a slightly pained expression.

  “Great, what’s your number? I’ll text you the details.”

  I glared at Peyton
as Xavier gave out his cell number—only I could detect the note of reluctance in his voice. Peyton probably mistook the whole thing as nervousness. I was sure she was accustomed to intimidating boys all around campus with her baby blue eyes and beauty-queen smile.

  “Thanks,” she said, slipping her phone in her back pocket. “I’ll see you in class. Nice meeting you, Lauren.”

  “It’s Laurie,” I corrected humorlessly.

  When Peyton was gone, I folded my arms and glared at Xavier. He groaned and put his head down on the table.

  “What just happened?” I demanded.

  “That was awkward,” he said.

  “Are you seriously going to go out with her?”

  “What was I supposed to say?” Xavier said helplessly as I stood and circled our bench restlessly.

  “How about no thanks?” I suggested.

  “Beth, it’s not that easy,” Xavier said. “It’s pretty rude to turn down an invitation for no reason.”

  “It’s pretty rude to ask out a guy who’s married,” I said, digging the toe of my shoe into the dirt in frustration.

  “That’s hardly fair. She doesn’t know—”

  “Whatever. I don’t like her.”

  “Come on,” Xavier said. “She’s a nice girl, this really isn’t her fault.”

  “Couldn’t you have just made up an excuse?” I said. “Told her you were busy, going out of town, something!”

  “I went blank.” Xavier held up his hands in defeat. “I’m sorry.”

  “Ugh,” I said, sitting stiffly down beside him. “This is not okay.”

  “You know I would never do anything,” Xavier said. “You should trust me enough to believe that.”

  “I trust you,” I said. “But it’s still giving out the wrong message.”

  “I know,” Xavier said. “I just don’t know how I’m going to get out of it.”

  To make matters worse, by the end of the day everybody knew that Ford and Peyton were going to the fall formal together. Mary Ellen sent me a devastating text message: “F and Peyton going to formal?!?! How did that happen? I heard she can be a real bitch sometimes. Maybe he couldn’t say no???”