Heaven

  “So, Ford, will you be there tonight?”

  “I sure will,” he said.

  “Ugh.” I tried to sound convincingly irritated but inside I was deeply relieved. There was no way Xavier could leave me alone with these girls—they were almost speaking another language and I needed him to translate. All the girls at Ole Miss had been prepping for college for years. Xavier and I might have shortlisted the school back during our days at Bryce Hamilton but I still knew next to nothing about college expectations.

  The other girls were preoccupied with Greek life and good grades, but I didn’t care about those things. Even though I’d only been here a few hours, I was already realizing how different I was in every respect. It wasn’t that I couldn’t fit in; my situation simply wouldn’t allow it. How was I supposed to be intimidated by sorority girls after the things I’d witnessed? How was I supposed to care about being judged by my peers when Heaven and Hell had judged me?

  “Are you excited?” Mary Ellen gave a little squeal. “The rest of our lives start right now.”

  My first thought was that my life had already begun; I didn’t need to embark on some journey of self-discovery. But then again, I rationalized, maybe college would help me—after all, I wasn’t sure I even knew who I was anymore.

  When I went to collect extra hangers from a box in the hall, I saw a poster on a door that read WE LOVE OUR REBELS. I stopped for a moment and thought about it. Maybe I would fit in here because that was who I’d become now. A runaway. A rebel. But not without a cause.

  9

  Starry, Starry Night

  NIGHTFALL came fast, and eventually Xavier had to leave me to meet his own roommates. As a junior he got to live in an off-campus apartment, although I knew he wouldn’t be too far away.

  After the isolation of the cabin, it was strange to hear the halls alive with the chatter of teenagers. I went to investigate the bathrooms to discover they weren’t as bad as I’d envisioned, though they were a far cry from the gold taps and marble vanities I was accustomed to at Byron, my home in Venus Cove. But I was capable of shutting out my surroundings and turning my focus inward; Hades had taught me that much.

  While I filled the basin with warm water to wash my face, I stared at my reflection in the mirror that ran across the length of the wall. I supposed I could pass for a college girl, if I teased my hair and slapped on a little fake tan. The only thing that didn’t fit was the look in my eyes—that look that said I know something you don’t. It was a faraway expression, as if my mind were elsewhere. Some might misconstrue it as boredom and others might simply conclude I was a dreamer. Despite my intense earthly connections, the reality was that I was still bound to a supernatural life and my soul—my very essence—was not human. It was impossible to hide it.

  When I got back to my room, I discovered that Mary Ellen had wasted no time in inviting our neighbors over to get acquainted. The girls, Missy and Erin, were both from the same town outside Fort Worth, Texas. They were equally enthusiastic to begin college life and keen to make a good impression. Missy was a perky Rebelette who smiled a lot and Erin declared she was only there to find a husband. Mary Ellen decided on the spot that we were all going to be best friends and immediately took to walking into their room without knocking.

  As it turned out, I did not possess any attire halfway appropriate for a frat party and was forced to borrow some items from Mary Ellen. If the girls dressed down in the daytime, they certainly made up for it at night with sky-high heels and hemlines well above midthigh. Mary Ellen lent me a midnight blue silk shift and strappy satin heels. The loose cut of the dress made me look tall and lean and my hair fell in chestnut twists down my back.

  “Y’all look so pretty,” said Erin. “Let’s make this a first night to remember.”

  The girls took forever preening in front of the mirror and it was after ten P.M. before we could actually make a move. I was already tired and ready for bed, though I’d never admit as much. I pretended to fiddle with my hair and reapply my lip gloss and join in with their chorus of physical discontentment.

  “My thighs look so fat in this dress.”

  “Uh, at least you’re not so pale you practically glow in the dark.”

  “Whatever, have y’all seen my ID picture? I have to keep that for the whole year!”

  “I can’t get my hair to coiff,” I chimed in, and the girls nodded sympathetically before Mary Ellen attacked me with a bottle of hair spray.

  When we finally set off for Fraternity Row, I discovered the frat houses themselves were quite beautiful. We stopped at a stately whitewashed Southern home with gold lettering that read ΣN planted firmly on the eave of the house. Rocking chairs were positioned on the front porch, occupied by boys eating pizza and swigging from bottles of beer. Inside was the dining room with a long oak table and a wide staircase leading to the bedrooms and common area. There were college kids everywhere, lounging on the couches, chatting in the hallway, sprawled on the beds and out on the back porch. There was a keg underneath the pool table and red plastic cups scattered on the floor, which was already sticky with beer.

  The freshmen girls were easy to pick out. They looked terrified, standing in awkward circles, afraid to drink or even speak for fear of annoying the dreaded sorority girls. They talked among themselves, straightening their posture slightly and adjusting their hair whenever the boys passed by. It was hard not to be entertained by them. Problems that seemed inconsequential to me were life changing to them. I even found myself wishing I could trade places with them—if only life were that simple.

  “Hey ladies, how y’all doing?” The boys on the porch addressed us with disarming smiles and the girls giggled nervously and shuffled a little closer.

  When Xavier arrived, he was a whole different person. I was so used to seeing him in his usual defensive mode with all the problems of the universe to keep him occupied. But in the space of a few hours, he had already changed and I could see he was in his element. He arrived with a group of boys, all dressed smartly in polo shirts and smelling of expensive cologne. It was easy to see that these boys were unafraid, they knew who they were, where they were going, and there was no doubt that they belonged. People stopped talking to watch them pass. They called out to their friends as if they’d been here for years rather than a few hours.

  “Oh Lord.” Mary Ellen clutched my arm. “They’re juniors. You have to get your brother to introduce us.”

  “Which one is your brother?” Missy and Erin craned their necks eagerly.

  “The one in white … with the dark blonde hair.” Mary Ellen waggled her eyebrows mischievously.

  “Dang, that’s your brother?” Missy drew a sharp intake of breath. “Wow.”

  “I know,” Mary Ellen hissed back. “And he’s a Sigma Chi.”

  Xavier waved and sauntered over to us.

  “Hey, sis.” He elbowed me gently in the ribs and smiled at the others. “How y’all settling in? These are my roommates, Clay and Spencer.”

  “I don’t see the family resemblance,” Spencer said, inspecting me.

  “We think she was adopted,” Xavier joked, and the girls doubled over as though he’d just cracked the joke of the century.

  A boy carrying a cooler passed us and stopped to talk to the boys.

  “Y’all want anything?” he asked.

  “No thanks, I don’t drink,” I told him.

  Missy and Erin accepted some beers but insisted on pouring them into cups to trick the sorority girls into thinking they were drinking soda.

  It took awhile but eventually Xavier and I found an opportunity where we could slip out of the frat party unnoticed. He pulled a set of keys from his pocket and approached a big black, jacked-up truck.

  “Um … are you hijacking a car?” I asked.

  “Yep,” he said. “College has made a criminal out of me already.”

  “Xavier!”

  “Relax, Beth.” He laughed. “It’s mine. Ivy and Gabriel left it for me.”

/>   “They did?”

  “Yeah, they felt bad I had to leave the Chevy behind. And if we need to leave in a hurry we can’t exactly rely on Rebel Ride.”

  “On what?”

  “Never mind, let’s just get out of here.”

  Xavier pulled out of campus and drove along the highway lined with lush forestland. When he was sure we were clear, he pulled into a dirt road and parked the truck, cutting the lights immediately, and making sure the car was hidden by the shadows of the trees. Ever chivalrous, he jumped out and came to open the passenger door for me.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “I don’t know,” Xavier said. “Someplace no one will find us.”

  It was warm and dark amid the trees and the moss-covered forest floor muted our footsteps. Every so often I would catch a glimpse of headlights through the trunks and smile at the fact that no one could possibly know we were there. I was glad to escape the noise and humidity of the party.

  “So how do you like being Ford McGraw?” I asked.

  “It’s all right.” Xavier moved behind me and I felt his hands come up to rub my shoulders. Any tension I’d felt melted away instantly. “But I think there’s a lot more perks to being Xavier Woods.”

  “Like what?”

  He bent his head and I felt his lips brush against my neck.

  “Like this…”

  “That’s not very brotherly behavior,” I told him while at the same time reaching back to twine my fingers in his hair. I could feel my breathing getting heavier as our bodies pressed closer and Xavier’s hands slid down to my waist.

  “Are you sure we should be doing this? I hope we’re not crossing the line.”

  “I don’t care anymore,” Xavier murmured in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. “I want to show my wife how much I love her.” He stopped for a moment and turned me around, taking my face in his hands. His turquoise eyes were full of something so intense I thought I couldn’t bear it.

  “What did you call me?” I whispered, needing to hear it again.

  “My wife,” he repeated softly.

  Xavier gently slipped one of the shoestring straps off my shoulder. His touch, usually so familiar, startled me. I felt as if he were touching me for the very first time and it made me realize how careful we’d been up until now. We had gone out of our way to avoid intimate contact. Now, with our bodies wrapped together, I realized how easy it would have been to give in. I didn’t know how we’d lasted so long and showed so much restraint. How had we ignored the spark that ignited at every accidental touch? How had I pretended the fire in my belly didn’t exist? It was strange to feel the air charged with electricity and know this time we didn’t have to ignore it. I took Xavier’s hand and placed it on my pounding chest so he could feel my heartbeat in his palm. He closed his eyes and I thought I saw an almost pained expression cross his face.

  Around us the majestic oaks rose to the sky and the delicate perfumed air seemed to embrace us. The breeze felt good against my feverish skin. I felt so overwhelmed I thought I might faint in his arms.

  “It’s okay,” he whispered. “The sky isn’t going to open and rain down fire on us.”

  Our chests were pressed together now, so I could feel our hearts thudding into one another. Xavier buried his face in my neck and I felt him inhale deeply. My body seemed to sink down and he caught me in his arms, lowering me onto the moss-covered ground. It was soft beneath my skin and I imagined silk sheets couldn’t have felt smoother. Xavier lowered himself gently on top of me and our bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle. I knew I would never feel like a separate entity again. For the first time in my existence, both angelic and human, I felt truly whole.

  “Crap!” Xavier abruptly pulled away from me and sat up.

  “What’s wrong?” I was seized by a wave of self-consciousness. Had I done something wrong? I wracked my brain, trying to remember every move I’d made so far, but I’d been too lost in the moment to remember.

  “We don’t have protection. I didn’t think we’d need it.”

  “Forget it.” I tugged him back toward me, searching for his mouth, unwilling to let anything break the mood. Moments ago it had been so perfect, but I could feel it about to shatter. Xavier firmly resisted my advances.

  “Beth, we can’t just forget it; we have to be responsible.”

  I sighed heavily and sat up. I’d been under such an intense spell that nothing else had crossed my mind. I hated how quickly our perfect night could be shattered.

  “Does it honestly matter?” I asked.

  “Of course it does! Do you really want to get pregnant now? Don’t you think we have some issues to sort out first?”

  “Xavier, I probably can’t even get pregnant!”

  “You have a human body, Beth,” he said. “It’s a very real possibility.”

  “Fine,” I conceded. “You’re right.” I paused as a more troubling thought entered my head. “As long as there isn’t another reason…”

  “What do you mean? What other reason could there be?”

  “Well, we’ve avoided this for so long … do you still … do you even still see me that way?”

  Xavier groaned. “Are you crazy? Of course I see you that way. I’ve had to actively try not to see you that way.”

  I lifted my chin and looked him square in the eye. “I want you to show me.”

  “Beth, come on…” Xavier began but I pressed a finger against his lips.

  “No,” I said. “No excuses. I’m your wife now, remember? And I’m asking you to show me how much you love me.”

  Xavier gazed at me for a moment and then in one swift movement he lifted me up and pulled me on top of him. This time, his kiss was deep and fathomless. Even though I technically didn’t have one it felt like our souls were fusing and a tingling feeling spread over my skin where he touched me. I felt his muscles tense and his breathing grow heavier. The kiss seemed to last forever. Time stood still as we pressed into each other. Finally, our mouths separated and he moved his mouth along the curve of my neck, imprinting smaller kisses there.

  “Still having doubts?” he whispered. I shook my head as my mouth searched for his again. His lips were warm and full and perfect. His kiss was smooth and enticing. As usual, it left me wanting more. Time and space seemed to blur as we lost ourselves in each other’s embrace. I felt the intensity of our passion swell in the air around us, threatening to obliterate the world and all its problems.

  “I don’t want you to stop,” I murmured into his neck.

  “I don’t either.” Xavier leaned back and looked at me, his turquoise eyes bright and beautiful. This time it seemed plain stupid to resist the pull of something so powerful.

  “But … what about…” I didn’t want to finish the sentence for fear Xavier would revert back to his old cautious self. I was so intoxicated I could barely keep my thoughts coherent. Xavier gazed at me for a moment, and then said, “I’ll be careful.”

  Our first night as husband and wife felt like exploring a magical underwater world where nothing existed save the two of us. I was only aware of the feel of his warm skin beneath my fingers and the press of his lips as they explored my body. The forest felt like our own private kingdom where no one else could enter. Everything came to life before my eyes that night; the moss-covered boughs of the trees and the ferns on the forest floor were all glittering silver as the moonlight washed over them. The air seemed alive, dancing around us, bringing with it the sweet smells of the earth.

  Afterward, when I opened my eyes, I saw a dazzling array of stars unspooling across the night sky like fireworks. Thinking back to that night, I remember glorious, fragmented images rather than a whole sequence of events. I remember my arm lying outstretched and looking pale as stone against the mossy ground. I remember Xavier’s fingers trailing their way across my shoulder and feeling my veins pulsing with supernatural energy. I remembered his shirt crumpled on the ground and my hands pressed against his smooth chest. I re
membered feeling like I was filling up like a balloon until I felt like I was about to burst. Most of all I remembered not being able to determine where Xavier’s skin ended and mine began.

  When a dam breaks, what can you do to stem the torrent of water? Perhaps the water can be redirected but it can never go back to being contained. That was how I felt then—unencumbered by heavenly dictates and tied to Xavier by bonds not even death could break.

  10

  From Dixie, With Love

  WHEN I woke, Xavier and I were a tangle of limbs on the forest floor, but I couldn’t have felt more comfortable. I lifted my arms above my head and stretched, relishing the giddy feeling in my head. We’d slept a dreamless, exhausted sleep by the base of an ancient oak while the gibbous moon kept watch over us, peeking between the treetops.

  I sighed dreamily as I watched the sky flush with rose. Pre-sunrise the hills were black silhouettes and everything was silent, interrupted only by birdsong. The human inhabitants of Oxford were still in bed and minus the hum of traffic the scene had a primordial quality. I propped myself up on my elbows and studied Xavier. He looked different somehow. His face was even more striking in sleep when he wasn’t frowning or on alert. Contentment wasn’t something I was used to seeing on him. I wished the moment would last forever.

  “I don’t like being watched when I’m sleeping,” Xavier murmured, adjusting his position. His eyes were still closed but the corners of his lips were already curling into a smile.

  “Bad luck,” I said, snuggling back down beside him. “I like watching you. Besides, we should leave soon, before people start waking up.”

  “Why?” Xavier’s eyes flashed mischievously. “Nobody knows we’re here.”

  We fell back onto the ground, all sensible thoughts abandoned. There was less urgency in Xavier’s kiss this time but I still felt like I was diving from a great height. The same feelings from last night washed over me as I descended back into the coral sea of vivid colors and warm sensations, a place where only the two of us existed in a fantastical dimension.