Beat of the Heart

  “Manny, you’re slacking, dude.”

  A grin stretched across his chalky face. “It ain’t me, man. You’re the one dragging on the triplets.”

  “Ha! So you caught that?”

  With a smirk that outrivaled mine, he replied, “You ain’t got nothing on me, Ese.”

  I laughed. Visiting sick kids and teenagers in hospitals was one of the hardest and most rewarding parts of my job. I mean, it’s a hell of a mind-tripping, ego-bend when you’re the one to put a smile on the face of a kid who was bald from just going through a round of chemo. Or out of all the famous people in the world, they’d wanna hang out with you.

  Today, however, was an unexpected visit to Scottish Rite. I’d been lounging on the couch with a beer in my hand, waiting to drink myself into a mindless stupor, when Abby had called me. I knew the moment I picked up the phone that she wanted a favor from me by the sugary-sweet tone of her voice. After what had happened at the farm with Mia, I’d been on her shit-list for a long time. Especially when I continued to be in her words, ‘a stubborn asshole’, for not reaching out to Mia.

  What I had failed to tell her, or any of the guys for that matter, was that I had tried for days to call and text Mia, but she had never returned any of them. Finally the prideful side of me had said screw Mia and her stupid stubbornness. Unfortunately, my sappy-ass heart hadn’t quite gotten the message.

  Even though I sounded like a total pussy admitting it, the past four months had been the most miserable ones in my life. I played it off around the guys, acted like things were fine, and that I was the happiest motherfucker in the world. Whether they were truly buying it, I don’t know. I mean, they had to notice I wasn’t hooking up with any chicks. A few weeks after Mia left me, I took a blonde bombshell back to the bus with me. Even with all her assets and hard work, I couldn’t get it up. All I could see was Mia in my mind. I ended up getting the chick off as fast as I could to get her the hell away from me. After that nightmare, I hadn’t attempted to try again.

  There was a part of me that felt like I needed some kind of penance for what I’d done. I mean, if it hadn’t been for my past with Kylie and the other chicks, maybe Mia wouldn’t have felt she couldn’t be with me. Not to mention the ugly truth that I’d used a lot of women over the years. That fact was one of the reasons why I’d told Abby yes. Plus, I wanted back on her good side, so I’d agreed to come along with her and her brothers as they made a charity stop at Scottish Rite, which wasn’t too far from my house.

  I had a feeling there was more she wasn’t telling me about why she was recruiting me, rather than Jake, but when the limo came by to pick me up, I didn’t press her for any details. I figured if she wanted to talk about it, she would. I just hoped she didn’t mention Mia. That was a subject I refused to talk about with anyone other than Jose Cuervo.

  “Hey man, is your head in your ass or something?” Manny demanded.

  “Huh?”

  “You totally just screwed up. Like epically.”

  “Sorry.” Fuck, I felt like a major asshole letting my mind wander to Mia when I should have been focusing on Manny.

  “Yeah, well my problem might be that my head is in my ass, but I think yours lies in your sticks,” I said.

  “Ain’t nothing wrong with these bad boys besides being a little banged up,” he countered.

  I held out mine to him. “These are for you.”

  His eyes widened. “Seriously?”

  “Yep. But you gotta promise me you’ll practice.”

  His head bobbed furiously. “I swear I will.”

  I pointed a finger at him. “You better.” I took a card out of my pocket and gave it to him. “You’ve got my number now, so you better call me and let me know how it’s going.”

  “Dude, I will. Thank you. That’s awesome.”

  “Let’s say the next time we jam, we do it at your house and not this shitty place?”

  He laughed. “I’m down for that.”

  A nurse appeared before me, signaling it was time to go. “All right, Ese. I gotta hit the road. You take care of yourself, okay?”

  “I will.”

  We gave each other the traditional guy hug, or pat on the back, before I went to meet the nurse in the doorway. I waved good-bye one last time to Manny.

  “Ms. Renard and her brothers are in 305,” the nurse informed me.

  “Thank you,” I replied.

  Peering at the wall, I started counting down the numbers to 305. But then I heard Abby’s sweet voice floating back to me, and I knew exactly where to find her. She had just finished singing when I reached the doorway. I wasn’t too surprised to find her in the bed, snuggling with two bald, little girls who were absolutely enraptured by her and her singing. She kissed both their cheeks good-bye before rising out of the bed. As she powerwalked by me, I could see the tears pooling in her eyes. While her brothers started making their goodbyes to the girls, I left to go to Abby.

  She hadn’t gotten far down the hall. “Mi amor,” I said softly, as I caught up to her.

  “I’m okay,” came her weak reply.

  Side-stepping in front of her, I drew her into my arms. “Hey, it’s okay to cry. This shit is hard.”

  Fisting the front of my shirt in her hands, she sobbed into my chest. Although I knew the little girls had gotten to her, I could tell that this was about more than just them. It most likely had to do with Susan, Jake’s mom, and the grief that both she, and Jake, were still experiencing.

  The sound of her brothers behind us caused her to tense in my arms. At their questioning expressions, I said, “Go on down to the limo. We’ll be down in a few.”

  Micah nodded. “See you there.”

  When they were safely on the elevator, she pulled away. “Sorry about that,” she sniffled.

  I cupped her chin, bringing her gaze to mine. “Hey, you have nothing to apologize for. Okay? You know I’m always here for you.”

  After wiping her eyes, she gave a quick jerk of her head. “I know.” She leaned up on her tip-toes to kiss my cheek. “I’ve missed you,” she whispered.

  Her words caused my chest to clench. “I’ve missed you, too.”

  That was all that had to be said for me to know that everything was fine between us. As we started down the hallway to the elevators, Abby slid her arm around my waist. She peered up at me and smiled. “Thanks again for coming with me today since Jake had to bail.”

  “Hey, I was glad to do it.” When I punched the down arrow button, I kissed the top of her head. “Jake’s still having a hard time with hospitals, huh?”

  She nodded as we stepped onto the elevator. “I don’t know how to help him, AJ.”

  “Just be there for him. That’s all you can do.”

  “I will.”

  “You mean everything in the world to him, and he’s lucky to have you and your love.”

  “Thanks, AJ.”

  I smiled at her. “No problem.”

  We stepped out of the hospital into the bright sunshine. Gabe, Eli, and Micah were standing outside the limo waiting on us. “Ready to head back?”

  “Yep,” I replied.

  As I waited my turn to get inside the limo, I gazed ahead. When the realization of where we were washed over me, I felt like someone had sent a roundhouse kick straight to my gut. St. Joseph’s loomed tauntingly at me from across the street. Like a sappy-ass chick, a rush of memories flooded my mind of meeting Mia for the first time.

  A gentle nudge caused me to snap out of my thoughts. Abby stared up at me with a knowing smile. “Go see her,” she urged.

  I shook my head. “That’s ancient history.”

  “Give me a break, AJ. You were just staring at a hospital building with a sad, lost puppy dog expression. Mia can’t be history when you obviously still care for her.”

  “She handcuffed me to a fucking shower,” I countered.

  “In her mind, she had a good reason.”

  “Oh really?”

  Abby nodded. “Regardl
ess of whether it was a misunderstanding or not, your past indiscretions with women came back to hurt a very vulnerable woman.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Phil.”

  Abby narrowed her eyes at me. “Watch it, Resendiz. Don’t forget I know you better than you think I do. And that forty-five minute drive to Mia’s house gave me a lot of time to get to know her and exactly how she was feeling.”

  I raked my hands through my hair. “It’s too late. I didn’t tell you at the time, but I did try to call and text her. She wouldn’t answer.”

  “Maybe what you need to say should be said in person.” Abby reached over to palm my cheek. “You know I love you, AJ, and I want more than anything for you to be happy. And while you may think that what happened wasn’t that big a deal and Mia should have forgiven you, I disagree.”

  My brows shot up in surprise. “Do you?”

  “Yes, I do.” Abby’s gaze went to the glittering diamond on her hand. “Most people would have given up on Jake—they would have never tried as hard as I did to forgive him and give him a second chance…or many chances.” She then stared pointedly at me. “But then at the same time, he proved to me that in his own way he was working his ass off to show me how sorry he was and how much he truly cared for me. So maybe you need to step up and show a little more to Mia. Maybe she wants to reconcile with you, but she doesn’t know how to go about trying. Maybe she needs some grand and huge gesture from you to prove that you’re not like all the other assholes she’s had the misfortune of being involved with.”

  Gabe poked his head out of the limo window. “You guys coming?”

  At my hesitation, Abby patted my back. “You know a wise woman once said that fate had a funny way of intervening in our lives.”

  “Susan said that,” I replied in a strangled voice.

  “Yes, she did.”

  “Fuuuccck,” I groaned.

  Abby laughed. “Should I take that as an ‘I’ll see you guys later. Thanks for letting me see the error of my ways’ curse?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What about getting home? Want me to send the limo back for you?”

  I shook my head. “No, I’ll hopefully be leaving with Mia…if not, I’ll get a cab.”

  Abby reached up again on her tip-toes to kiss my cheek. After playfully ruffling my hair, she said, “Good luck.”

  “Thanks, mi amor. I’m going to need it.”

  When I stepped off the elevator onto Mia’s floor, my heart started pounding so loud in my ears it drowned out all the noise around me. The stretch of hallway to the nurse’s station seemed to draw on forever. As I drew closer to it, Mia’s friend, Dee, stepped out a patient’s room with a chart in the crook of his arm. When he saw me, I grimaced and prepared for a verbal tongue lashing.

  Instead, his dark eyes lit up. “Well, well, sweet cheeks, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

  I chuckled. “Thanks. Is Mia here?”

  “She’s doing some inventory in the medicine room right now.” He then crooked his finger. “Come with me.”

  “Okay, thanks.” I fell in step behind him. “Is she…?”

  Glancing over his shoulder, Dee replied, “Going to bitch slap you the minute she sees you?”

  Damn, he was good. Or maybe it was that he knew Mia so well. “Yeah, something like that.”

  Dee spun around, causing me to skid to a stop. “I’m gonna shoot straight with you, pretty boy. I wanted your balls on a skewer for a long time for what you did to Mimi.”

  “Dude, I tried to tell her I was sorry a million times. She wouldn’t talk to me. I swear, I—”

  He held up a hand to silence me, and surprisingly, I shut the fuck up. “Yeah, I didn’t know that then, but she finally admitted it to me about three months ago.” He took a step closer to me. “I don’t really know you that well, but what I do know seems intrinsically decent despite you being a famous rock-star. I’m hoping that you’ve shown up here today because you miss Mia, and you want to fight for her—despite what you might have going on in your personal life.”

  My brows furrowed in confusion. “Wait a minute. You lost me on the personal life stuff.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Fine, if you wanna play coy, whatever.”

  “But I—”

  “Look, just get in there and fight for our girl, okay?”

  I resisted the urge to salute him. Instead, I nodded. “I will. I swear.”

  “Good.” He then produced a key card from his pocket, which unlocked a door behind the nurse’s station. “Go get her, tiger,” he said, before smacking me on the ass.

  Already on edge, I jumped out of my skin. At the same time, it felt good having Dee on my side—like I had passed some test. But like an absolute pussy, my hand shook as I opened the door. Mia stood in front of large cart filled with different medical supplies. My heart thudded against my breast bone at the sight of her. Four months later and she was even more beautiful and sexy than I remembered—even outfitted in her standard green scrubs. Her long, dark hair was swept away from her face in a twist, although a few wispy strands had escaped. She was eyeing a label on a bottle. “Dee, we’re getting low on Heparin. You should call the pharmacy and order up some more units.”

  “It’s not Dee,” I said softly.

  The sound of my voice caused her to jerk her head up. The bottle she was inventorying fell from her hand and smashed onto the floor.

  “W-What are you doing here?” she questioned.

  “I was in the neighborhood and thought I would come see you.” When her brows rose in suspicion, I replied, “Oka, so maybe I was over at Scottish Rite meeting with some fans.”

  “Oh,” she murmured.

  I nervously raked my hand through my hair before taking a few tentative steps closer to Mia. “I’m just going to shoot straight with you, okay? When I was over there and saw St. Joe’s, I realized how much I missed you and wanted to see you.”

  “You did?” she asked, her voice vibrating with emotion.

  “Yeah.”

  The closer I got to her, the more panicked Mia appeared. “AJ, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  “That you’ve missed me?” I teased, hoping to ease the tension in the air that you couldn’t have sawed through with a chainsaw.

  “Yes,” she whispered. “But…something else.”

  “That you’re sorry for not answering my calls and texts?” She nodded. “But most of all, you’re sorry you left me naked and handcuffed to a shower.”

  She closed her eyes as if she was in pain. “Yes. I’m so, so sorry.”

  Suddenly, I couldn’t get to her quick enough. Bounding around the edge of the cart, I reached out for her, but she jerked away, backing up into the wall. Fear and worry raged in her eyes, and although I was glad to see she didn’t appear pissed, I couldn’t help but feel something was off. When her hand flew to her abdomen as if she were shielding herself, my gaze roamed down her body to where her once baggy scrubs pulled tighter over her slightly rounded stomach—a stomach that had been noticeably flatter when we were together. It was at that moment that every molecule in my body felt like it exploded. “Holy shit,” I murmured.

  When I snapped my gaze back to Mia’s, tears pooled in her eyes. “I’m sorry, AJ. I came to tell you—”

  Even though I knew the answer, I demanded, “You’re pregnant with my baby?”

  “Yes,” she replied as tears slid down her cheeks.

  “Holy shit,” I repeated. The room began spinning around me. Mia’s voice sounded muffled like I was under the surface of the water. And the next thing I knew I was falling back while the world around me went dark.

  Staring down at the nightmarish white stick, I felt bile once again rise in my throat. “No, please no,” I moaned. I gripped the sides of the marble bathroom counter to keep me from sinking to the floor. With my erratic cycles, I hadn’t been on heightened alert when my period was a week or two late. But when I started creeping into the three and a half week mark, I began to panic, whic
h caused me to swing by Walgreens on the way home from work to buy two pregnancy tests.

  I was now holding positive test number two in my hand. Part of me wanted to go back to the store to see if the third test would be the charm and somehow I wouldn’t be pregnant. How the hell was this possible? Just remembering how AJ and I used a condom each and every time we had sex caused a reel of erotic images of our sexcapdes to run through my mind. A flush filled my cheeks as warmth flooded my core. But then, one of those images sent me racing forward to the toilet and heaving up the contents of my stomach.

  In the backroom at Eastman’s, we’d been too caught up in the angry, make-up sex to remember a condom. He’d pulled out. Although my medical training taught me that not enough sperm resided in pre-come and the pull-out method was fairly effective, I couldn’t help thinking that had to be the time. “Oh God,” I muttered, placing my hands firmly on the edge of the toilet bowl to steady myself from passing out. Flipping down the lid, I eased down onto the toilet and like so many nights lately, I began to cry.

  Just when I thought I had clawed myself out of the greatest emotional hell of my life with Mama Sofia’s death and Dev’s betrayal, I slammed right back down to rock bottom with what happened with AJ. After Abby brought me home, she’d waited with me until Dee could come over—I was that hysterical. I took the next two days off work and made back to back emergency appointments with my therapist.

  As much as I hated to admit it, I was pretty surprised AJ tried so hard in the beginning to get me to talk to him with his many phone calls and texts. Even if I wanted to believe it was just a misunderstanding with Kylie like he claimed, I knew it wouldn’t be the last time we were put into that situation. If I took him back, it would only be a matter of time before some other woman from his past, or maybe even the present, came back to haunt us—or more importantly me.