The Coming of the Teraphiles

  But it wasn't Captain Abberley. Instead a long, insectoid

  face with v-shaped mouth parts, a set of sunglasses with

  eight lenses and a scarlet Mohawk put its head out of the

  wheelhouse and waved at the Doctor. 'Good to see you,

  Doctor. Too-woo-da-whooo. How's life treating you?'

  'Good enough, thanks, More-than-It. All well, I hope?'

  'Never better, Doctor. I heard you were looking to score

  the arrer today and do a bit of jiggery-pokery for us.'

  'Hoping. Young It, we've the rest of our game to play.'

  'You're safe enough at the centre for the time being, if you

  don't mind over-vivid colours. They make my eyes ache, you

  know.'

  'Do your best, pardner. And spread the word, if you don't

  mind. I was hoping Captain A and the Bubbly Boys would

  have something for me.'

  'Aha,' sang More-than-It. 'That might explain the battle.

  Good luck, Doctor!'

  The paddle-wheeler steamed off through the sky.

  'Let's keep this game going!' Sum'in, the Cairene Dodger,

  was impatient. 'It's too tight to tell and it's getting on my

  nerves.'

  The two captains conferred and agreed to play on. Their

  shadows were long against the backdrop of constantly

  shimmering stars and planets clustered around them. The

  dome of the great sky was like a richly decorated brocade,

  impossibly thick with multicoloured stars. Although encircled

  by such a variety of spheres in all directions, a sense of calm

  pervaded both the pitch and the village. They were playing

  for the existence of Creation, playing out a ritual which, by

  its very formality, might restore the worlds and the galaxies

  they knew.

  As the minutes passed, the space immediately around

  them cleared and the Second Aether manifested itself again,

  an intense wash of thick yellow that was Mustard Beach.

  And hanging in this background were all manner of vessels

  from galleons to old-fashioned rocket ships, from coracles

  to torpedo boats, yachts, submarines, a Lancaster bomber,

  which indicated that Wing Commander Heidegger and his

  friends had come to check out what was going on.

  'Have they come to watch the game?' Amy asked the

  Doctor.

  'Oh yes,' he said. 'They love a good whackit match. Huge

  sums change hands when they bet on them.'

  She marvelled at the jewelled skies.

  'Pretty, isn't it?' said the Doctor. 'The weird thing about

  the Second Aether is the atmosphere. Because so much is

  reversed here, any planet you find in the Second Aether will

  not naturally have any atmosphere at all. The air we breathe

  is in the space between the worlds. Miggea's a bit of an

  exception because of the terraforming which went on before

  they realised what the star and its planets really were. But

  you can still travel about in the Second Aether as if it were

  water and breathe it as if it were air while if you landed on

  an untreated planet you'd need a spacesuit or you'd burst

  and die.'

  'How did all these people get here in the first place?'

  'They were bom here, I suppose you'd say. Pretty much

  every species in the multiverse lives here. From preference,

  obviously.'

  'And Lady Peggy, the Invisible Thief? Is she from round

  here?'

  'I'm not sure. She's here most of the time, but she isn't

  much liked because of her thieving. She can't help herself.

  Anything she spots that can turn a penny she'll have it.'

  'But how did she get to Peers™ and pinch the hat the first

  time?'

  'She didn't. Someone else nicked it first. We got that one

  back on Peers™. We keep experiencing these nasty little time

  shifts. When Lady Peggy pinched it the second time she'd

  come aboard with Frank/Freddie Force and his Antimatter

  Men. Invisible, of course. He left her behind with us when he

  returned to their ship. She stole the hat but was forced to keep

  on wearing the hideous thing so it would stay invisible, too.

  Couldn't have done much for her morale. I think this had to

  be the rendezvous where she was supposed to hand over the

  hat to Frank/Freddie. But Mr Banning-Cannon caught her

  first. I was hoping Captain Abberley and the Bubbly Boys

  would have arrived by now.'

  He looked up at all the different and strange varieties of

  ships hanging in the Second Aether. He was reminded of cars

  at a drive-in cinema getting ready for the Big Show. 'Frank/

  Freddie is playing a dangerous game. Even in the Second

  Aether he is still unsafe, not impervious. He could implode at

  any minute, and here he wouldn't even have the satisfaction

  of taking others with him. He wants the Roogalator, and

  somehow connects it with the hat. But the hat also contained

  something else and the person who took it had entirely

  different ambitions.'

  'Who's that?'

  'Well, remember the smell left behind in Lockesley Hall

  that first night?'

  'Yes! Burnt sea water—perfume...'

  'That's right. Well, one's the smell of...'

  'HOWZAT!!!'

  A fine bit of fielding from a Judoon and a centaur in wotsit,

  and another Visitor dragged herself off the field looking

  miserable.

  'The Bubbly Boys were crucial to the search for the hat

  because for some reason, probably to do with their being

  bom in the Second Aether, they can see the invisible when

  others can't.'

  Amy looked a bit smug. 'I worked that out.'

  'And very clever you were, too. Oh! Well played that

  Judoon!'

  And so the game continued. 210 for 8 on the Visitors'

  board at lunchtime and 198 for 6 on the Gentlemen's. It could

  go either way.

  Chapter 25

  Doctor Whack

  THE DOCTOR FOUND HIMSELF with his bow strung and his first twelve

  arrows in the quiver ready to go in to shoot with a Judoon at

  the other end. Amy was in field again and Jane was in wotsit.

  Although the Doctor conducted himself well, with arrow after

  arrow sent down to the Visitors' whackers with never-ending

  skill, he could not score more than the odd wotsit. But by the

  time the Doctor was caught ABW, in the fourth innings, he

  felt he had done his best, even though his best hadn't been

  quite good enough. Amy was looking pretty exhausted and

  Flapper was a little grim around the gills. Happily, lunch was

  called and the players stumbled in to the pavilion.

  'I'm sorry, Bingo,' the Doctor said as he climbed wearily

  up the steps.

  'Not a bit, old man, what? You've broken their run. All we

  have to do now is take up on the advantages you've left us!'

  After lunch, Bingo put himself in bow and Grace at wotsit,

  a pretty good bit of strategy with only a few hours to go. They

  turned out to be a decidedly dynamic duo. It was Bingo's

  finest moment. And when he wasn't demonstrating some

  superb bowmanship, W.G. Grace took over. The Visitors

  never had a chance. They were stunned by Grace's amazing

  skill. Arrow a
fter arrow slammed into the wotsits, leaving

  them as little more than heaps of hay wrapped in a bit of

  tattered material. The Visitors' captain put his best people

  in, but it was hopeless. Grace's scores advanced relentlessly.

  That ebony and ivory composite thrummed in victorious

  voice.

  Rather than stay to watch the inevitable, the Doctor took

  Amy behind the pavilion where Captain Brian Abberley

  met them sans the Bubbly Boys and his ship Now the Clouds

  Have Meaning. 'What ho, Doctor! And good day to thee, lass.

  Nicest bit of whackawotsit I've seen in many a year. We'll all

  be there to see the finale. Was a time I wasn't so bad at the

  Good Old Whack mesel'. Any road, tha'll have tha' cargo by

  close of play, Doctor. Tha' knows t'trust us, 'appen.'

  'I'll wait for you, captain. There's a lot depending on you

  and the Boys.'

  As they strolled back beneath that quaking, shimmering,

  jewelled sky, the Doctor said to Amy: 'So was it you and

  Captain Abberley who set up that trap for old Lady Peg?'

  Amy looked smug. 'Mr Banning-Cannon caught her hat-

  handed just after the Boys pinched her invisibility tiara.'

  The Doctor began to laugh. 'She must have taken that hat

  with her wherever she went. She was so sure the Roogalator

  was in the hat and had promised it to Freddie/Frank for

  a price. She was determined to get it. They met on Venice

  shortly before the Paine arrived to take tribute. They'd found

  out where the star map they were looking for was: in the

  hands of an antiquarian who was able to carry it to the Paine

  before they caught him. They needed to get to Ironface's

  ship and persuade him to join forces with them to find the

  Roogalator, once Frank/Freddie and Co were sure it wasn't

  in the hat or on Venice. Lady Peggy still thought the hat

  contained something of worth, but she wasn't sure what.

  When Frank/Freddie went aboard the Paine, Lady Peggy

  slipped in with them. When they left, they left her behind,

  which is how she was able to get aboard the Gargantua with

  Captain Cornelius. She came down to Flynn with us, too.

  The last clue was when the bots counted an extra passenger

  on the tender. She could be sensed but not seen. She hadn't

  allowed for me working out who she was and how she'd been

  the second person to pinch the hat. The Roogalator wasn't in

  the hat, but something else was, giving it that basic spider

  shape which originally scared Mr Banning-Cannon. That, of

  course, was the—'

  They turned the comer of the pavilion. Amy groaned loudly

  when she saw the scoreboard. W.G. was out, admittedly for a

  century and a half, but they had no other players of her class

  left to put in. W.G. tramped desolately back to the pavilion.

  Moodily, she handed her bow to Bingo as they passed on the

  pavilion steps. 'Here, see if she brings you more luck than

  she brought me.'

  The Visitors were drawing ahead with a combination of

  luck and good playing. Bingo looked harried as he graciously

  accepted W.G.'s loan of her beautiful antique bow. He paused

  as Amy and the Doctor came up. 'We're in a bit of a spot,

  chums. I'm last archer in and we need to make a clear 75 to

  have any chance of beating 'em. Wish me luck.'

  Bingo began with a tremendous shot. It put Pom'ik'ik the

  Aldebaran out for 27. Jill Jay went down next for 18, then

  Pilliom Rekya was out for a turkey. The Doctor and Amy

  left briefly to get a quick drink and some conversation in the

  pavilion.

  They came back to the game in time to see Bingo loose a

  splendid shot straight into the Visitors' wotsit. Another score

  from Flapper in wotsit took a tremendous automatic 10.

  Even Mrs Banning-Cannon had emerged to show a far

  keener interest in the game and was cheering heartily for the

  Gentlemen. 'When it comes time to award the Arrow of Law,

  I shall of course do my duty,' she declared, 'but I shall not be

  amused if the Gentlemen lose.'

  Bingo, aware how much depended on him, was shooting

  like a demon. Wotsit after wotsit fell to his relentless arrows.

  The bow loaned him by W.G. was in fact helping him to

  perform a wizardry far above his usual fine archery. Twang,

  thump. Twang, thump. Only occasionally now was Tarkus, a

  four-armed tireless Thark whackiteer, able to deliver a hefty

  thwack and keep the moment of defeat at bay.

  Slowly the Gentlemen's score mounted, aided by some

  fine catches and returns once Bingo had put in Amy and the

  other best fielders.

  But Bingo was tiring. The day was a warm one and the

  heat was getting to the Earl of Sherwood. One arrow after

  another found its target and then -

  Lockesley to Tarkus. Tarkus whacked an easy 7. Pond, in

  the far coaxings, leapt up and sideways to catch the deflected

  arrow. Her hand closed around the shaft. She fitted it to her

  bow, took steady aim and -

  'Howzat!' She screamed her triumph as her arrow took

  the wotsit at maximum score.

  The umpire delivered the verdict:

  'Three hundred and eighteeeee!'

  And it was all over for the Visitors.

  Between them, Bingo and Amy had saved the day.

  The Visitors were the first to run up to their opponents

  and congratulate them on one of the finest games ever to be

  played anywhere.

  From every side of the pitch, from spectators as well as

  players, came wild cheering. The exultant cheering did not

  stop. The bowmanship had been stunning; the wotsit defence

  and fielding would not be bettered for many a year.

  The Doctor had his hands deep in his pockets and was

  lolloping about in that idiosyncratic way of his, whistling and

  humming to himself, singing under his breath. 'We won the

  cup / We won the sword / We won the staff / We won the word.

  He looked expectantly up at the sky. The great star Miggea

  was casting long shadows across the afternoon field and

  glowing a deep, warm indigo.

  Bots were setting up and decorating the banquet table,

  while Mrs Banning-Cannon had disappeared into the pavilion

  to emerge soon afterwards wearing a relatively small and

  simple creation from Mr Toni Woni. She was so pleased with

  their success she even allowed Flapper to run up to her and

  kiss her. Hari Agincourt shook her hand vigorously. 'Well

  done,' she said amiably and did not wince even a little as

  Hari stepped back, his arm now defiantly around Flapper's

  slender waist.

  The underdogs had confounded the bookies.

  'Just the sort of game we all love,' said the Doctor. 'I think

  we'd better go and pick up the traditional prize, yes?' He

  drew a deep breath of pleasure and advanced towards the

  table whistling the same silly little repetitive tune.

  He seemed as surprised as anyone when the sky behind

  Mrs Banning-Cannon suddenly turned a lustrous pulsing

  blue, so intense that she almost ducked away from it.

  The Doctor stopped whistling. 'This is all right,
isn't it,

  Amy?' He winked at her. Then he began to whistle a more

  complicated tune. 'Know it? Duke Ellington. I saw him live

  at the Apollo in - um...'

  'So what's going on?' she demanded firmly.

  'What would you call that colour?' He indicated the sky.

  She suddenly understood. 'Oh!' she said. 'Indigo!'

  'Bingo!' he said triumphantly. And laughed.

  The baffled team captain turned to see who was calling

  him. His head whirled round again as everyone else gasped.

  He followed the Doctor's gaze.

  Mrs Banning-Cannon grasped her husband's arm. 'Oh,

  look, Urquart! He was right! The Doctor was right! Here's

  my vault!'

  A vision had appeared just above Mrs Banning-Cartnon's

  head. About the size of a football, a round bright glittering

  bucky ball buzzed and fluttered overhead. Everyone watched

  in something approaching awe as slowly the ball moved

  through the air and began to descend from above Mr and

  Mrs B-C before coming to rest on the table.

  'Is that all it is?' One of the Judoon sounded disappointed.

  'What is it, ma'am? I thought we were playing for the Arrow

  of Artemis, not the Ball of Bacchus.'

  'So we are!' said the Doctor, stepping up to stand beside

  Mrs Banning-Cannon. 'Very decent of you to agree to present

  the prize, Mrs B-C, but first I think we can safely take this out

  now.' He reached into the sparkling ball up to his elbow and

  brought up what looked like a toy of some kind. 'Indigo!'

  And on his palm, for all to see, stood a tiny TARDIS about

  fifteen centimetres high, its little roof light flashing an intense

  blue. The crowd watched intently as the Doctor bent and

  placed it on the ground. 'There she is! Good hiding place,

  don't you think?'

  Amy could not remember a time when she'd been so

  pleased to see it. 'But it's so tiny, Doctor! How?'

  'Scale is determined by all sorts of factors in the multiverse,

  remember?' He frowned. 'As long as you can get everything

  to match up on the different planes, of course. But for now

  here's the most important thing.' Picking it up, he reached

  into the tiny TARDIS, this time feeling around inside, and

  brought out an arrow measuring about two and a half metres

  long. 'Look at that! Made of solid newtonium by the look

  of it, the rarest metal in the multiverse, precisely because it

  combines all metals in Creation, just as these jewels which

  seem to be built into it combine all the other jewels in Creation.'