SAW - Sensational American Wrestling

  The Brooklyn Bombers have their table up and their “hood” set in a hallway. They are playing dominoes. It appears to be a close game by the look on Bruno’s face. He studying the dominoes in play and the one’s in his hand.

  Unnoticed by the BB’s, Boogie Down manages to sneak up with an unwrapped fire hose. Once he’s positioned himself, he yells, “Yo yo! Milky cereal homeboys!”

  BDB sprays the unsuspecting Bombers. Men, chairs, and dominoes fly in all directions. The pressure from the hose flips the table over. Bruno tries to go after BDB but a blast from the hose sends him back to the watery floor. Bruce and Bubba try to use each other to stand up but slip and both fall into Butch. BDB continues to water them down until he’s satisfied that their spirit to get up has been broken.

  BDB shuts off the hose and runs off to the door he had propped open with a chair. On the chair was BDB’s duffle bag. His car, a 2004 Lexus peels out with Boogie Down Brown holding up the hand gesture of peace, out of the driver side window.

  Oh man! Way to go Boogie Down! Things are starting to heat up around here, so I guess water’s appropriate right? Ha! I’m sure if we could see Bruno and the Bombers we would see steam coming off those guys. I’m glad he took off as fast as he did cause there’s probably gonna be hell to pay. Hey wait?! That means we got to deal with them now. Oh well, I’m safe here in my booth, es solo, but that doesn’t mean I pocket fish either. Ha! Well again, I guess we have something going on backstage but immediately after words we are going to have a match between Varsity All-Stars and Thunder and Lightning.

 

  Rage, in street clothes, kicks open a set of double doors in a back hallway. His breathing and body language indicates anger. He’s walking down the hallways of wrestler’s locker rooms. He glances at the names quickly as he strides with purpose. He momentarily stops as he finds the room he’s been looking for, Raoul’s. Rage flings the door open to find KaBoom sitting on a folding chair in street clothes.

  Rage demands, “Where’s Raoul?!”

  KaBoom fires back, “Like I give a damn!”

  “Where’s Raoul?! Where are you hiding him?!”

  KaBoom stands up and gets face to face with Rage, “I don’t know where the hell he is, he’s not my problem but I’m gonna be your problem if you don’t get the hell out of my dressing room!”

  Rage hits him with a right hand and the two start exchanging blows. They grapple each other to the floor. Security teams run into the room and separate the two raging maniacs but only for a few seconds as the two go at it again.

  Unexpectedly, Mean Mike comes into the room and joins in on the ruckus. More security has to come to gain control of the situation. Standing by the door is Raoul who is doubled over laughing at this. He turns and walks off once the three men have been separated. He drops his own name tag on the floor as he leaves.

  I think Raoul switched his name tag with KaBoom’s. See what those damn Dollar Dollar Bills started?! I can’t believe Tex left those two in charge. In case you’re wondering why everyone seems to be in street clothes, well, it’s because there’s no official card yet. I didn’t want to mention that, but Tex usually gives me a copy before the start of the show and well, the DDB’s didn’t. A stage hand had to tell me about our first match. I hope the DDB’s get their heads out of each other’s...well, let’s just say I hope they get their acts together. I have a bad feeling that the situation with KaBoom and them is gonna get ugly, same with the Brooklyn Bombers and Boogie Down Brown. Things are no longer just hot, they are boiling!

 

  Well, coming to the ring for this tag team match, first accompanied by their sister, it’s the terrific twins, the dynamic duo, it’s the....Varsity All-Stars.

 

  The Dollar Dollar Bills are standing with tight blue jeans and zebra striped shirts. Big Tyme has a mic. They both are still sporting their Tex tribute hats. Trying to sound southern, Big Tyme says, “Well partners, we are gonna be your guest referees to make sure this match runs smooth and fair.”

  Big Shot continues in his best Texan accent, “Even though we aren’t Texans, we still believe in giving everyone a fair shot. So in the sake of fairness, tonight we will make sure even the telecast runs smoothly and fair. So tonight, Wil...”

  Big Tyme finishes his sentence, “...you’re guest co-commentator will be...Cyn Cash!”

  Cyn emerges all grins from behind the backstage curtain.

  What the hell?! Oh hell no! This is a one man booth, kinda like those quarter booths. She’s really on the way down here! Oh, this is an outrage. Wil loves the ladies but not the scabies. Man, me and Tex gotta talk, this was not part of the deal. Here at S.A.W. I work solo. Hey! You sit over there and don’t touch any buttons or any knobs, especially mine. Ha!

  Very funny Wil, maybe next time I’ll laugh.

  What? When you get your nude pics back? Ha!

  Anyways, jerk boy, the DDB’s are in the ring.

  N. S. S.

  What? N. S. S.?

  No shit, Sherlock!

  Hey, this wasn’t my idea!

  I know, you’re blonde, you only have two ideas a month and both usually are “Duh.”

 

  Coming to the ring, a team stuck in the 80’s and really need to get unstuck. Two ‘that 80’s show’ rejects, it’s Rad Brad and Far Out Phil, it’s the...Rockstars!

  Not bad, but I guess it's not that hard when your mouths not full. Ha!

  Jerk!

  You wanna what me off?

  Anyways!

 

  Well, go ahead, Cynthia, with the introduction.

  Oh...No thank you.

  What? Mad at them cause they have better make-up on than you? Ha!

  Just introduce them!

  Coming to the ring for this tag team match, with the winner getting a shot at the tag team titles at Buzz S.A.W. our first Pay Per View. It’s the team that need no introduction, cause you’ll notice them right away. It’s the team of Gregory A. Young and Frances A. Gaines, it’s...Flaming Desire!

 
  Flaming Desire wins! Flaming Desire wins! Flaming Desire...

  What are you doing, skank?! That’s my line!

  You’re like the world’s biggest jerk!

  And damn proud of it too, even though I finished second place, I still got a trophy out of it though. Anyways! Flaming Desire gets the shot at the tag titles, even if they only kinda earned it. The Brooklyn Bombers are probably gonna kill BDB when they catch him, and expect a whole lot more at the next Final Cut this Friday. This is Wil B. Creamin.

  And Cyn Cash.

  Who’ll give you a rash. Ha! Anyways, the one man show will be back for mo, this has been a Sensational American Wrestling presentation of the Cutting Edge, see you next week, love ya and God Bless!

  Bye

  Shut Up!

  S.A.W. Book 1 Chapter 6 (The Final Cut)

  Welcome people all around the world, I’m the host who gets the girl. Yes,, it’s me, it??
?s me, Wil B... Creamin that is! I’m welcoming you to S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling as we present the Final Cut, live from the sold out Venture Ah-ha Coliseum here in Tenney City, Wilkin County, Minnesota. Tonight’s show should fit our name. Sensational! At the last Cutting Edge, BDB soaked the BB’s, the BB’s threatened the DDB’s and Cynthia tried to give me, the heebie geebies! Ha! Last show was crazy and this show promises to be even crazier. Tonight, we have Tex, tonight we have Rick, tonight we have The Stud, and of course tonight you’ll have me, especially if you’re in the lobby, say around 10 to 11-ish...

 

  Well, I guess I’ll have to finish that one later since Tex and the complete Rich Inc are making their way down to the ring. Yes fans, that is a neck brace Tex is wearing. He’s been saying backstage that he has to wear that because of The Stud. He’s been saying that he’s not upset with The Stud, since it happened in the ring and he knew the risk. Yeah right, Tex not mad at The Stud? Ha! Well, they’re in the ring.

 

  Rick’s wearing a black tee shirt with “Rick Rules” on the front in white writing. He’s standing next to his father, Tex. The Dollar Dollar Bills do their usual poses for the crowd. Once all four are standing near the center of the ring, Tex speaks into his mic, “Welcome fans! I know you all missed me.”

  The crowd boos loudly.

  “Anyways! Thanks to that damn Stud, I was forced to sit out a week from my beloved show, but I ain’t mad at him. I left the show in the good and capable hands of the Dollar Dollar Bills...” He pauses as the DDB’s say, “ Thank You,” to Tex.

  “...but it seems that the Brooklyn Bombers couldn’t follow the program and decided to take programming into their own hands.” He continues as he painfully labors around the ring. “So, I never got to see my master plan develop for the second time thanks to those four idiots. Well, I do have to say it was good entertainment to see them get wet by James ‘Boogie Down’ Brown.”

  The crowd cheers.

  Tex continues, “Now, I haven’t been in school for a while, but if my math skills still serve me right, it was four of them confronting the two Dollar Dollar Bills which is a two to one ratio.”

  The DDB’s seem to be doing the numbers in their heads as they do the math with their fingers. Rick stands still, shaking his head in agreement with his father’s statement.

  “And since I remember how they expressed they were being overlooked, and...since I’m a hard working Texan who believes everyone deserves a fair shot. Tonight, all the Bombers will get their wish, and tonight they all will be in matches that they should be familiar with...two on one matches!”

  He pauses as the crowd takes it all in.

  “Butch will take one the Varsity All-Stars, Bubba will face Flaming Desire, Bruce will take on the Rockstars, and Bruno will face....the Dollar Dollar Bills!”

  The DDB’s put on their best mean faces, which are more comical than fierce.

  Big Tyme grabs the mic briefly, “We’ll see how you like two on one!”

  Big Shot says mocking the Bombers, “Yeah!” The DDB’s share a laugh as Tex smiles, then he winces in pain and reaches for his neck brace.

  “Now fans, as you know, our first ever Pay Per View, Buzz S.A.W. is right around the corner and has already sold out the Blamamo Stadium in San Antonio. I want to make sure that not only will this be the best Pay Per View wrestling event ever. I want to make sure it’s … sensational!”

  The crowd cheers.

  “Also, since the main event is usually the biggest match at any show and it stands to be the biggest in S.A.W. ’s history, the moment my son wins the Heavyweight championship from The Stud.”

  The crowd boos.

  “As a quality control effort and to assure that Rick and The Stud are in tip top form for the main event, both will be competing every show until then. Starting tonight, Rick will face a man who’s had enough gold to fill Ft. Knox, the multi-talented Mikeal. While The Stud will have a less experienced opponent, in a non title match...James ‘Boogie Down’ Brown!”

  As the crowd reacts, Tex continues, “Brooklyn Bombers, if you interfere with any matches tonight, you’ll be collecting unemployment tomorrow, which you guys are probably accustomed to anyway. Now, hit our music!”

 

  Wow, talk about news! Good news or bad news, just depends on who you are and how you look at it. For the Brooklyn Bombers, all bad news. On top of all getting two on one matches, their worst enemy gets tonight’s main event. Yes, it’s non-title, but if he can beat The Stud, just imagine the doors it’ll open for Boogie Down. Talk about good news. Also, what’s up with this so called ‘quality control’? The Stud gets BDB while Rick gets Mikeal? Quality? Ha! No offense to Mikeal but you haven’t been a threat since Sonny and Cher split up. Oh man, tonight is gonna be fun. Tonight, we got the lady wrestlers, and as you probably noticed with Rick, we are revealing some of S.A.W.’s first ever apparel. Some wrestlers will be wearing their signature shirts just like Rick’s. Well, time to go backstage.

 

  Gaby is standing in the hallway leaning against a wall using the payphone. “Yeah girl, we’re gonna get more time, well, that’s what Tex promised but you know how Texan’s are. Uh huh, just like Minnesotans, oh girl, I knew that, but get this, it’s gossip time girl. You remember how when the show was going off last week and Cyn...phillis and Willy got into an argument and he said he won a jerk contest? Uh huh, yeah girl, he really was, and he really did finish second! Yup, and you know that big-ape like girl Ivana and that goofy always grinning pony tailed Nat? Well rumor is that they’re really good wrestlers because they used to be men. For reals girl, you heard me right, men. I know. Oh, guess what KaBoom’s real name is? Eggbert Highwater. For reals, that’s what I heard. Anyways, so did you get to watch the Old and the Tasteless or Fantasy Hospital? Oh girl! Let me tell you what I heard about Duke and Gloria, oh man...

  What was she talking about? I mean, I did place second in that contest but how did she know that? Nat and Ivana, transformed men? I can kinda see it with Ivana, no offense Ivana, but Nat? Naw, I just don’t buy it. She’s too cute. Not to say that Ivana isn’t cute in that “in an ex-construction worker turned biker chick way.” Ha! and Eggbert? I would be angry and explosive too if I had a name like that. Well, it’s probably not true, remember it is just what she said it was, gossip, but then again, she was right on the money with me. Hmmm... Cyn - phillis? Ha!

 

  There’s one of the ladies now and no she doesn’t look like a man. No way she could have been a man before. She’s sporting her new shirt, In case you can’t read it from where you’re at, the front reads “What time is it?” and on the back it reads “McMiller Time” with a silhouette of her performing her finisher. Well, it’s the cutie with much bootie...Nat McMiller!

 

  Making her S.A.W. debut. Making her way to the ring, the short, and stocky like Rocky. Caramel complected and southern dialected, it’s...Tonya “The Bull” Dozier!

 

  Man, does she get elevated! She almost got the same crowd pop from the replay of her finisher as she did when she did the move only moments before. That’s gotta be a chick, look at that smile. I mean I’ve seen some really convincing...people, who looked the look and walked the walk but something always seemed a little off, now Dozier on the other


  hand, ummm...Ha! Anyways, we are heading to a commercial break and when we get back, it will be the start of another Brooklyn Bomber miniseries, this one will be a two for one show.

 

  Man with a raspy street tongue says, “Yo, this is Dre. Does 420 have more meaning to you than a time or date? Does an empty soda can give you thoughts besides recycling? Then we can help. Here at Dre’s Hooked On Cronic, we provide the specialized help you or your loved ones need. While we specialize in cannabis addictions, we also treat all types of substance abuse. Get your life back on track, control the urge, don’t let the urge control you. Here are a few of our satisfied customers.

  ----> Hi, I’m Bill from Clinton, and man since I was a little boy I used to how do you say it? “Blaze up?” Yeah that’s it, I used to blaze up and get blown up all the way through college. I’m surprised it didn’t ruin my life back in those days. Also, my habit gave me the munchies, but not just for food, for the ladies too. I was on a path of destruction. Luckily for me, I met up with the good doctor at Dre’s Hooked On Cronic Clinic and turned my life around. Before I knew it I was married to a...well kinda caring and kind wife and had a beautiful...well kinda beautiful daughter and I’m...well, was the president of...well, at least I’m off the weed...well, at least I don’t inhale anymore, so thanks Dre!

  ----> Hello, I’m Whitney from Houston, and my life couldn’t have been any better. I was super talented, an award winning singer and actress. I had it all, money, fame, I had it all! Except someone to share it with. That’s when I met Robert, a great entertainer, well at least, during the time we met. Like most marriages, we had difficult times, but unlike most marriages we each had millions. All the money and stress led us down a drug-induced path of destruction. I think the bastard even cheated on me. Our songs even became mini feuds. We were at wit’s end. Then we both decided to join Dre’s Hooked On Cronic Clinic. For crying out loud, I was down to eighty pounds and Bob had smoked away his teeth! Now we are clean, gaining weight, and have re-ignited our careers and marriage. None of this would of been possible without Dre. Thanks Dre.

  ---->Yo, this is Dre again. If you need help or a loved one does, don’t hesitate. Contact us today. We have over 420 clinics nationwide. See how easily I got you thinking about weed? You need help, and we can help. Peace and don’t forget about Dre.

  Guess who’s back? It’s me, Wil B. Creamin, the one who has the ladies dreaming and their fellas steaming. Let’s go to the next match.

 

  Coming to the ring for this handicap two on one match, in what I’m gonna call ‘Brooklyn Bomber’s Retribution Round Up.’ Ha! Here he comes, one of the infamous group that has cost Tex a title and a show, it’s...Butch!

 

  His opponents in this match, a team that Butch probably hopes he won’t have his hands full with, Ha! Where there’s flames, there’s Gregory A. Young, Frances A. Gaines, Flaming Desire!

 

  Who could blame him? Well, it was kinda funny seeing a man who acts so tough afraid to lock it up with them. I wonder if the DDB’s will be the same way at the Pay Per View when they have to lock it up with Flaming Desire. What am I talking about?! They’re that way now. Ha! Even tonight, yet again, they don’t have a real tag match. The Bombers can blame this situation on Bruno, who’s mainly to blame since he brought this upon them last week. Demanding things, who did he think he was? Jimmy Carey? Anyways, time for another Bomber’s match.

 

  Well, the next victim, in this retribution series. Coming to the ring, of the Brooklyn Bombers, it’s...Bruce!

 

  Making their way to the ring for this two on one tag match. The team that wants you to wake them up before you go go, it’s Rad Brad, it’s Far Out Phil, it’s...the Rockstars!

 

  Come on, did anyone really think he had a chance? This is like last week versus the quick fill ins, except these are the best tag teams S.A.W. has to offer, and perhaps even some of the best that the world has to offer. Since Tex eliminated the Bombers ace card, cheating, they don’t stand a chance. Serves them right though. Well, this presentation of S.A.W.’s Final Cut is being brought to you by the Hoping for a Damn Miracle Foundation. Where we are realists, so we hope for a damn miracle, even when there only seems to be a snowball’s chance in hell. Let’s hope together. Donate and Hope for a Damn Miracle. Ouch! Ha! Hoping huh? Well, so are the Brooklyn Bombers. And actually so am I. Yes, me Wil B. Creamin, is hoping Simon doesn’t mess up this interview with Tex. Hope with me fans, take it away Simon.

 

  Simon is standing next to Tex and Rick in a closed off parking lot. Tex looks to be in a lot of discomfort with his neck brace.

  Simon says, “So Tex, the question on everybody’s mind is how long will these ‘tough love’ matches against your son Rick continue?”

  Rick turns his head suddenly with a puzzled look, Tex also looks puzzled, he tries to clarify, “You mean Bobby right?”

  Simon looks at his notes, “No. I clearly have it written here, Rick is the loser with only one real victory and Bobby has the title and several wins. No one in their right mind would favor Rick.” Simon smiles, not realizing what he just said and to whom.

  Tex puts his arm in front of Rick as he takes a step toward Simon. Tex fires off, “You damn idiot! This is Rick! It’s my other son, Bobby, that I’m having problems with. Damn it boy, can’t you get anything right?!”

  “Hm, hm, hm...” Simon drops his notes.

  “If you mess up one more interview, you’re fired! Understand that?! Now get the hell out of my face!”

  Simon was gathering his notes but the strong tone Tex used for emphasis makes Simon quickly scamper off without them.

  Tex consoles Rick, “It’s okay, he’s not gonna be here much longer. I can just feel it.”

  Tex turns toward the camera. Mean Mike Ford is walking in the background behind them, “Bobby, listen carefully, if you’ve learned your lesson, come on home, son. We forgive you son, ain’t that right, Rick?”

  Rick doesn’t give any sign of acknowledgement or agreement.

  Tex looks at him surprised and pleas, “Rick, come on son. I know you can forgive him. Come on Rick.”

  Rick opens his mouth but before a word came out, Mean Mike is speared by KaBoom who suddenly appears in camera view.

  “Whoa! What the hell?!” Tex screams as he and Rick move out of the area. Mean Mike is rolling around on the ground holding his midsection. KaBoom stands over him, breathing ferociously with his eyes glazed and locked on his downed prey. He leans forward almost face to face with the withering Mean Mike, then yells, “KaPoww!”

  He stomps him in the midsection and walks off.

 

  Thunder and Lightning are watching a monitor and saw wh
at just happened to Mean Mike. Thunder says, “Man, I’m glad I don’t have some of the problems most of the other wrestlers here have.” Then he turns to his non-English speaking partner, “ That’s good because you are enough for me right now, anyways.”

  Lightning doesn’t respond.

  “Hey, let’s go get something to eat. No matter what language you speak, eating is universal,” says Thunder with a chuckle, “So, how about chicken, my Spanish friend?” He then motions like he’s eating, hoping Lightning can figure this out.

  Lightning understands and replies, “Donde?”

  “Dunday? What’s that mean? Must be Spanish for Donald’s. No Dunday, chicken instead.” The big man flaps his arms and clucks like a chicken.

  Again Lightning understand and replies, “Pollo?”

  Thunder, confused, smells under his arm, then his sleeve and replies, “No polo, it’s Adidas Cologne.”

  Lightning shakes his head in frustration and decides to try to make it simple, “Taco?”

  Thunder lifts his head and smiles, “Yes, I mean ‘see,’ taco will work.”

  Lightning smiles also, then they both head out.

  I don’t even know where to start. KaBoom almost went through Mean Mike with that spear. Looks like it really hurt too. I just know that those two are gonna do some serious hurting to each other eventually. Can you believe this all started over a towel? Mean Mike used KaBoom’s by accident and was sent to the hospital by KaBoom at our first show ever. A stinking towel, for crying out loud, and now I don’t think either man will throw in the towel. Also, I’m wondering how much longer Thunder and Lightning will be able to co-exist before one of them throws in the towel? Either that, or throw in copies of Spanish/English for dummies, Ha! Man, tacos sound kinda good right now. Actually, I’m in the mood for some chicken wings. I might have to stop by F. L. E. D. after the show, Not! Ha! No bearded ladies for the Creamster.

 

  Well, the saga continues. Coming to the ring for another retribution beat down. One of the Brooklyn Bombers, the former tier bosses of their respected prison unit...it’s Butch!

 

  Coming to the ring for this two on one match-up, accompanied by their sexy cheerleading sister, Karrie. The team that means the best high school has to offer. It’s Brad, it’s Chad, the Keebles, it’s...The Varsity All-Stars!

 

 

  Rick had just shut the door to Tex’s office and entered the hall when a tall muscular built woman cuts him off. Rick looks shocked as he stares at this Amazon of a woman wearing his trademark “Rick Rules” black tee-shirt.

  “Finally, Rick, I get to experience you first hand. You’re so much like me. Dark, troubled, yet controlled. A man who fears nothing or no one. We could be perfect together.” She cracks a twisted smile that makes Rick more uncomfortable as he backs up against the wall as she closes in. He says nothing.

  “Rick, dig deep inside yourself, you’ll see I’m right. You’re evil to the core, that’s why we would be perfect together. Yes, perfect. We could rule this pathetic organization together. Forget the man you call father and serve a new one. Be my master.”

  Rick’s eyes opened wide on that last comment, while that grin has never left her face, “Think about it, Rick. You’ll see me again, until then, dig deep inside. You will see we are meant to be together.” She walks off leaving a puzzled Rick leaning against a wall.

  Security! Security! Nut cases on the loose, no there’s not jock straps dangling in the back. Ha! Seriously, what the hell was all that about? I’ve never seen her here before. She called Rick evil and wants to be with him? Talk about loony toon. She was huge but in a scary way. Wow! Does Ivana know she has a genetically swollen sister? I mean, she made Rick look out of shape and Rick is very physically cut. Whoa! This show gets crazier and crazier each show. What’s next? Charlie Manson on work release selling cotton candy for us? Crazy, crazy, crazy.

 

  Okay, back to action, wow! She’s a cutie, kinda tall, but hey, Wil knows how to use a foot stool. Wait? I never finished that story did I? Well, don’t have time for it now, as the cute green eyed bandit enters the ring, it’s...Neelie!

 

  Isn’t that the Soviet National Anthem? I always thought she kinda...well, looked like an ex-dude but naw she’s gotta be a woman. A whole lot of woman but in that good wrestling way. Well anyways, coming to the ring, the sickle and the other thingee, you know the hammer thing. Anyways, it’s......Ivana!