Indelible

  It was satisfying to know that I’d made things easier on the two of them. I hoped that in the future, Sam would feel comfortable coming to me for help instead of trying to push me away and do everything on her own. Now I just needed to work up the nerve to tell her that.

  “Do you need me to do anything?” Sam asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

  “You can set the table,” I replied.

  Once I had a pile of pancakes and a plate of bacon, I moved them to the table and sat down, suddenly starving.

  We started to plate our food and my phone beeped.

  “Meeting at the field in 30. On my way to pick you up.”

  It was from Tuck.

  “Got it.”

  “Everything okay?” Sam asked as she took a bite of bacon.

  “Yeah. I have to meet the team in thirty minutes at the field, so my buddy is coming by to pick me up.”

  “That’s right; you said you were dropped off last night. Where’s your bike?”

  “It’s at the ball field. We were already on our way to the bar when I called, so I just asked to be dropped off rather than drive back to the field,” I explained.

  Sam nodded and played with the food on her plate a bit before saying, “I’m sorry about the way I was on the phone last night.”

  “Hey.” I reached out and ran my hand up her arm, caressing her. “I get it. You were having a rough night. I just want you to know that when you are having a bad day you can come to me for help.”

  “Dudd,” Karrie said, reaching her hand toward me, trying to get my attention.

  “Someone’s jealous,” Sam said with a smile.

  I ran my hand along Karrie’s arm, the same way I’d done with Sam, and was rewarded with a smile and a giggle.

  Once we were all done we cleared the table, but Sam stopped me before I could.

  “I’ve got it,” she said, ushering me toward the living room.

  I grabbed Karrie from her high chair and took her with me, letting her down in front of her toy box and sitting on the floor next to her.

  “What do you want to play with?” I asked Karrie, laughing when she almost toppled into the bin. I grabbed her legs and helped her out. She turned and handed me a barn toy that she’d managed to secure from the bottom of the bin.

  I opened the door and pressed the cow. Karrie clapped when a mooing sound erupted from the toy.

  She leaned in and pressed the sheep, then clapped when it baa’d.

  Karrie turned and backed up until she landed in my lap. She sat back and brought the barn closer to her, pressing the buttons for each animal and clapping every time they made a sound.

  There was a knock at the door and assuming it was Tuck, I tried to get up to answer it. I was placing Karrie on the couch when Sam beat me to the door.

  I heard Tuck’s voice when she opened it, saying, “Hey is Judd here?”

  I shouted, “Coming!”

  I bent down to Karrie and smiled. “I’ll see you later, baby girl.” I kissed her swiftly on the cheek, then rose and walked to the door.

  Sam was standing in the open door, her back was to me, so I couldn’t see her expression, but I saw Tuck’s.

  He was frozen…shocked.

  “Everything okay, man?” I asked with concern as I neared him.

  When I got to the door, I looked at Sam and saw the identical expression on her face.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, puzzled.

  Sam shook her head and looked at me, pain and confusion apparent on her face.

  “He’s Karrie’s father,” she answered, turning my world upside down.

  “What are you doing here, Tucker?” I asked tightly. I hadn’t seen him since the day I’d told him I was pregnant. I’d worked very hard to ensure that I didn’t see him.

  “I’m here to pick up Judd for practice,” he answered. The expression on his face would have been hysterical if his words didn’t make me want to cry.

  “He’s the buddy you were talking about?” I asked, turning to Judd for the first time since I’d answered the door.

  Judd looked dumbfounded. He looked from me to Tucker and back again.

  “Wait…” Judd began. “What?”

  “This is the girl you’ve been seeing?” Tucker asked Judd, a bewildered look on his face. “You never said she had a kid.”

  “It never came up,” Judd said dryly. He turned back to me. “Tuck is the one-night stand at the frat house?”

  Judd looked back at Tucker, his movements stiff.

  “You never said that you had a kid,” Judd countered.

  “I don’t,” Tucker responded plainly.

  I wanted to punch him in the throat.

  Judd was studying Tucker curiously, his mouth open, but no words were coming out. I’d really hoped we’d never get to this point where Judd and Tucker met.

  I was shocked and disheartened to find out that not only did they know each other, but that they were friends.

  I couldn’t believe that Judd was friends with someone like Tucker.

  “She has your hair,” Judd said calmly, still studying Tucker. “And your eyes.”

  Tucker shook his head, as if doing so would erase the fact that he’d fathered a child. The movement seemed to snap Judd out of his reverie.

  “What do you mean, you don’t?” Judd asked, his voice starting to rise. “You just admitted that you had sex with Sam and she had a kid, didn’t you? I mean, you sure as shit haven’t denied it.”

  “I told Samantha when she told me about the pregnancy that I wanted nothing to do with the child. I’m not even on the birth certificate,” Tucker explained wearily.

  “So you’ve never met Karrie? Never seen her? And you don’t want to?” Judd asked incredulously.

  “That’s right,” Tucker responded.

  “I don’t understand,” Judd said.

  “What I don’t understand is how you can be friends with him,” I broke in, turning to face Judd.

  “Mommy?” Karrie’s little voice came from the living room.

  “Go,” I said sternly to Tucker. “I don’t want her to see you.”

  Tucker nodded and turned to go, grabbing on to Judd’s arm as he did. Judd shook Tucker’s arm off, looking at him angrily.

  “We have to get to practice, Judd. The coach is expecting the entire team.”

  I looked at Judd and said, “You need to go too.”

  Judd looked at me, the anger still on his face, but I thought I saw hurt flash in his eyes.

  “We need to talk about this,” he said.

  “I know,” I assured him. “But I need to be alone for a while to think.”

  Judd sighed deeply looking from Tucker to me one last time before saying, “I’ll be back later.”

  He stalked off down the stairs and got in Tucker’s car. I shut the door quickly, leaning my head against it as the tears began to pour down my face.

  “Mommy,” Karrie said again, coming up and wrapping her arms around my legs.

  I crouched down on my knees and hugged her to me, crying softly. I tried to control my sobs so as not to scare her, and I held her close and ran my hand over her hair.

  “I love you, Karrie. Never forget that. I will do my best to be everything that you need and to always make sure you know that you are loved and wanted.”

  Karrie patted my back softly with her little hand, trying to console me as only a two-year-old can.

  I wiped my tears before pulling back and did my best to smile at my beautiful baby as I ran my hands over her curls and cupped her chin. I leaned in and kissed her softly on the mouth.

  Karrie smiled at me and asked, “Dowa?”

  I laughed and said, “Yes, you can watch Dora.”

  I put on the DVD and walked into the kitchen. I grabbed my cell phone and shot a quick text out to James and Molly simply stating, “I need you.”

  I busied myself with the breakfast dishes while I waited. Regret filled me thinking about how perfect things had been when I woke up thi
s morning. When I’d walked into the kitchen and saw Judd and Karrie making breakfast, my heart had melted.

  “Sam,” Molly shouted from the front of the house.

  “Kitchen,” I responded.

  I heard Molly say hello to Karrie and I turned to wait for her to come in the kitchen.

  Her curly hair was everywhere, and her face looked frantic. It was obvious by her pink sweat pants and teal tank top that she’d thrown on whatever was available. Her flip-flops slapped against the tile as she rushed in.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, walking right up to me and looking me up and down as if expecting to see an injury.

  “Hey, nugget. Where’s your mommy?” James asked as she entered the house.

  Molly grimaced. “James is here?” she asked in a voice so low I barely heard her words.

  James rounded the corner clad in black jeans with chains, combat boots, and a cute bustier style top. Her hair was streaked with hot pink.

  “Everything okay, Sam?” James asked, flicking her eyes over Molly. “Must be serious to put out a distress call to me and Little Orphan Annie.”

  “Shove it, Kat Von Dee,” Molly shot back.

  “Language…” James put a finger to her ruby red lips and gestured toward the living room in mock horror.

  “Guys,” I said, trying to put a halt to their banter. “Judd is friends with Tucker… He was at my house this morning.”

  “Tucker—Tucker?” Molly asked, her eyes wide.

  “Did Karrie see him?” James asked.

  We all sat down at the table and I looked at the two best friends I’d ever had.

  “No, she didn’t. We were all shocked. None of us had any clue that the others knew each other. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so terrible.”

  “How do they know each other?” James asked.

  “Baseball.”

  “Oh… Did you know Tucker played?” Molly asked.

  “No. We didn’t exactly talk about our extracurricular activities. It was basically just the one night of sex and then the pregnancy talk a few weeks later. That’s the extent of our time together. I didn’t know Tucker’s last name, and I only had eyes for Judd the few times I’ve been to a game. I can’t believe I never noticed him.”

  “Are they friends?” Molly asked.

  “Yeah,” I said, looking down at my hands as I talked. “Judd’s been talking about this friend of his since we met, but he never mentioned him by name, and I’ve never met any of his friends.”

  “But didn’t Judd know that Tucker had a kid? If they’re such good friends, you’d think that would come up,” Molly argued.

  “No, Judd said the same thing. I guess Tucker’s never mentioned Karrie to anyone.” I choked back a sob. I couldn’t fathom caring so little for someone I’d helped make. I said as much to the girls. “How can someone be so cold?”

  James reached her hand out and touched my arm. “He’s an ass, Sam. He’ll live a long lonely life, cursed with baldness and shriveled old balls.”

  I gasped, somewhere between a laugh and a cry. James was always good at trying to lighten the mood. She hated tense situations.

  “How can Judd be friends with that douche?” Molly asked angrily. “Do you think he views kids the same way?”

  “Hey,” James spat out ready to defend Judd. “Just because they’re friends doesn’t mean they’re cut from the same cloth. Judd has done nothing to prove that he shares the same views as that jackass. I hope you’re going to talk this out with Judd before jumping to conclusions, Sam.”

  I looked at both Molly and James, grateful that they were in my life. They were like two sides of a coin – completely different, but equally important.

  “I’m not going to lie, James. My first instinct was to be angry at Judd for being friends with a man so heartless, but I realized that wasn’t fair. Judd has been nothing but sweet with Karrie. He introduced us to his dad, and even came over last night to help me when Karrie was mid-fit and I was acting like a raging bitch. When I woke up this morning he and Karrie were making pancakes.”

  “That’s so sweet,” Molly cooed, her earlier anger at Judd gone.

  James glanced at her and grimaced, causing me to laugh. She looked at me and said, “He’s a good guy, Sam. Just talk to him.”

  I nodded and smiled at the two of them, reaching out and grabbing each of them by the hand.

  “I love you guys. Thanks for coming when I needed you. I’m sure you were in the middle of doing something and that you dropped everything to come here. I really appreciate it.”

  “You know, all you have to do is call and I’m there, babe,” James said.

  “We’ve got your back,” Molly added.

  “Next time, just give Annie a little more notice so she can run a pick through her mop.” James tried to look snarky, but couldn’t hold back her smile.

  “Bitch,” Molly shot back with a sneer, causing us all to laugh.

  They were just what I needed.

  “Tuck, man… What the fuck?” I asked, my head still reeling from finding out that he was Karrie’s father.

  “I’ve never told anyone.” Tuck was gripping the steering wheel and staring straight ahead. “I never even told my parents. I wanted to forget that it ever happened.”

  “It?” I asked, hoping that I was misunderstanding his total lack of empathy. “Do you mean the one-nighter or the baby that resulted from it?”

  “Both…the kid…I don’t know,” Tuck said, sounding frustrated. “Look, Sam was great…”

  “I don’t want to hear about it,” I cut him off before he could say something that would really piss me off. My mind hadn’t quite gotten to the fact that Tuck and Sam had sex yet.

  “Sorry,” Tuck said quickly. “Look, I don’t want kids…never had, never will. They don’t fit into my plan.”

  “I guess you should have thought of that before you had sex,” I said, unable to fathom not claiming your child as your own.

  “We used a condom, so it’s not like we were unprotected,” Tuck explained. “But shit, nothing’s foolproof I guess. I was floored when she told me. I questioned whether it was even mine or not.”

  The look I gave him must have conveyed my reaction to that statement, because he threw his hands up.

  “Dude, it’s not like I knew her. You know how it is…sex is just that. I wasn’t looking for a relationship out of it, and I certainly wasn’t looking to start a family.”

  “I just don’t understand how you could have so little feeling for your own flesh and blood. She has your hair for God’s sake,” I said, trying to get him to give me an explanation that I could understand.

  Maybe it wasn’t possible. I don’t think I would ever be able to understand.

  “I don’t know anything about what she looks like, and I don’t want to. I know you don’t get it, Judd. Most people don’t. Anytime I say that I don’t want to have kids, everyone assumes that I’m just too young and one day I’ll change my mind.” Tuck turned to look at me, his face grave. “I’m not going to.”

  “But you do have a kid,” I countered. “A sweet little girl who shares your genes and resembles you. How can you not want to meet her and be there as she grows up?”

  Tuck parked the car and turned it off. He turned to me and shrugged. “I don’t know, man, but I don’t. I meant it when I told Sam to leave me off of the birth certificate. I’m not her father, and I never will be.”

  I sat in the car, looking out the windshield as other members of our team headed inside to where our meeting was held.

  “I don’t understand. Do you at least pay child support?”

  Tuck sighed loudly.

  “For what? I don’t have a child to support… We’d better get inside,” he said.

  I didn’t say anything, just let myself out of the car and followed my teammates inside. I found a lone seat in the corner of the room and grabbed it. I didn’t feel like being around anyone, especially Tuck. What I wanted to do was hop on my bike and
head back to Sam’s house. We needed to talk about this, and I needed to make sure she and Karrie were okay. I hoped the coach’s meeting would be brief.

  I hunched over in my chair, arms resting on my knees, one leg bouncing uncontrollably.

  They needed to get this over with.

  “Alright, fellas,” the coach began. “I know it was short notice, but I’m happy to see that you all made it on time.” He began to pace across the room. “It’s been a great season so far, better than I had even hoped it would be, but it isn’t over yet. I need to see that same drive and passion that you’ve exhibited in every practice and during every game.”

  Coach paused and surveyed the room, making sure he had everyone’s attention.

  “A little bird told me that we will have some major league scouts at the next game. They’ll be looking to fill slots in the bigs, as well as their farm teams, so you guys need to show them what you got.”

  The room filled with noise as the guys processed what the coach just said.

  Scouts.

  Here.

  All thoughts of the morning’s drama left me as I imagined what this could mean for me and the guys on the team.

  It was our shot – our shot to make the dream a reality.

  I’d always been the first one to say that baseball was going to end for me after I graduated, but that didn’t mean that my ultimate dream wasn’t to get paid to play baseball for the rest of my life.

  To hit a ball on a major league field, with thousands of fans cheering in the stands, or to train with the best of the best, and get a chance to play in stadiums all over the country.

  If the coach had planned to say anything else, he should’ve done so before the announcement because the team was on their feet. Guys were making plans for extra practices, trips to the batting cages, and anything else they could think of to get ready for the big day.

  I joined in the chatter for a bit, making plans for the next day. I kept my distance from Tuck though, which really sucked because my initial reaction upon hearing the news was to look over at him. I was sure the look on his face matched my own. We both shared the dream.

  Then I remembered our earlier conversation and I no longer felt like sharing this moment with him. It was like the guy I thought I knew no longer existed.