Indelible

  “Okay, you guys have fun,” Molly said, backing up to the walkway of her house. “Nice to meet you, Judd.”

  “You too, Molly,” Judd said as he straightened back up. “Thanks again for the car. Ready?” he asked, turning to me.

  My stomach fluttered, but I nodded and walked around the car to get in the driver’s seat.

  I walked Sam and Karrie to the courtyard and had them wait on a bench while I went to get my dad. It’s not that I thought anything bad would happen in the facility, I just figured it would be easier on Karrie if this was just like any other trip to the park.

  I walked down the faded yellow corridor to my dad’s room, suddenly nervous about introducing him to Sam and Karrie. I’d never really brought anyone home, and I didn’t know what he was going to say about the fact that Sam was a single mom.

  Maybe I should have brought it up and prepped him for it beforehand.

  Oh well, too late now.

  I rounded the corner and found Dad sitting at his desk playing Solitaire.

  “Hey, Dad.”

  He looked over with a grin. I noticed his face looked fuller and his eyes were more alert than I’d seen them in years. He looked genuinely happy to see me.

  “Judd,” he said, rising from his chair. “It’s good of you to come by.”

  “Of course,” I replied. I figured the best way to tell him was to just spit it out. The faster I let him know, the less time Sam and Karrie spent waiting for us in the courtyard. “Dad, I, ah, brought someone with me.”

  “Who? Tuck?” Dad had talked to Tuck at games, and he’d stopped by dad’s house with me when we were on our way out a couple of times.

  “No, actually it’s a girl that I’m seeing.”

  My dad’s grin got bigger, and I swear I saw a twinkle in his eye.

  “It’s about time.”

  “Well, Dad, there’s more…” I began.

  “Somethin’ wrong with her?” he asked.

  I chuckled at that.

  “No, there’s nothing wrong with her. But she does have a little kid. A daughter, Karrie,” I said quickly. “They are both in the courtyard.”

  “A kid, huh?” Dad asked thoughtfully.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, let’s go. We don’t want to leave them waiting, and I can’t wait to see the girl that finally got you to care enough to introduce her to me.”

  Dad took off out of the room and down the hall, forcing me to jog to catch up with him. Right as he reached the doors to the courtyard he stopped, causing me to run into him.

  “Jeez, Dad,” I said as I steadied myself by placing my hands on his shoulders. “You okay?”

  He turned to me and looked down at his flannel shirt, smoothing it with his hands. “Do I look okay?”

  “You look great, Dad,” I assured him. “Better than you’ve looked in a long time.

  He nodded and opened the door. You could immediately feel the change in atmosphere. Whereas inside was solemn and quiet, the courtyard was alive with excited chatter, birds chirping, and the running water of the fountain.

  I looked around and spotted Karrie at the fountain, pointing up at a bird and talking to Sam. “That’s them,” I said to my dad.

  Sam looked up as we neared and stood, holding out her hand to my father.

  “Hello, sir. I’m Samantha, or Sam. Nice to meet you.”

  “I’m Mike,” my dad responded, shaking her hand. He looked down at Karrie, causing Sam to say, “And this is my daughter, Karrie.”

  Sam crouched down to Karrie, who was still distracted by the bird, and said, “Karrie, can you say hi to Mr. Mike? He’s Judd’s daddy.”

  Karrie turned and looked up at my father, her blonde curls bouncing with the movement.

  “Dudd’s daddy?” Karrie asked, squinting in the sun.

  My dad bent over to pick her up, then looked at Sam questioningly. “Is it okay if I pick her up?”

  “Sure,” Sam responded.

  Karrie lifted her hands willingly, and my dad picked her up and placed her on his hip.

  “There, now we can see each other properly.” He smiled down at her, holding out his hand to her. Karrie giggled and took it, shaking it slightly. “It’s nice to meet you, Karrie.”

  “You Dudd’s daddy?” Karrie asked again.

  “That’s right,” my dad said with a nod. He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Judd is my son.”

  Karrie looked curiously at both of us, then looked my dad in the eyes and smiled. “Buds.”

  “You like the birds?”

  Karrie nodded and pointed to a group of birds sitting on a feeder.

  “You want to go see them?” he asked her.

  Karrie nodded enthusiastically.

  “Okay.”

  He carried her over toward the birds, talking and pointing as they walked. I could only assume he was telling her what types of birds they were.

  “You okay?” I asked Sam when they were far enough away.

  “Yeah,” she said with a smile. “He’s nice.”

  We watched them for a few minutes, talking and laughing while they watched the birds, before we walked over to join them.

  “So, Dad, how’s everything been this week?”

  We moved over to a picnic table and sat down, Karrie content on my dad’s lap.

  “Really good,” he responded. “I’m on track to be out of here in a couple weeks.”

  “That’s great, Dad,” I said sincerely.

  “I’m sorry you have to meet me in here, Sam,” Dad said.

  “Don’t be,” Sam said softly, reaching out and placing her hand on his. “I think it’s wonderful what you’re doing. You must be very strong.”

  My dad turned red at that. If I hadn’t seen it myself, I never would have believed it.

  He cleared his throat and asked Sam, “So, do you go to school here?”

  “Yes,” she replied. “I’m in my last year, just like Judd.”

  “What are you studying?” he asked. “What is it that you want to do?”

  “I’m going to be an art teacher,” Sam said.

  “She’s an amazing artist, Dad,” I added. “I’ve seen some of her work, it’s really great.”

  “Do you know where you’re going to teach?”

  I realized we hadn’t talked about any of this, and I leaned in, eager for her answers.

  “Not really. I’ve been looking online and putting together everything that I’ll need. There are a few schools that interest me, and my parents are trying to convince me to come back home and teach at my old middle school. That may be the best option, at least initially.”

  “Where do your parents live?” he asked.

  “About forty-five miles away, in Johnsonville,” she replied.

  “And what about this one’s daddy?” he asked, looking down at Karrie fondly as she watched us all intently. “Is he alright with you two moving away?”

  Sam looked at me quickly, then down at her hands, before looking directly at my dad.

  “She doesn’t have a father,” Sam said tightly. “He doesn’t want anything to do with her. Ever.”

  My dad looked startled at that, his face losing its cheerfulness, then reached out and patted Sam’s hand the way she’d done to him earlier.

  “I’d say you’re the strong one here, not me.”

  I didn’t know what was wrong and I was about to lose my mind.

  Karrie had been screaming for the last thirty minutes and wouldn’t stop. It all started when I’d tried to get her to go on the potty. The potty training was hit or miss, but she’d never reacted to it in this way before.

  When I’d pulled down her pull-up and tried to put her on the potty, she’d gone ballistic, screaming and crying big crocodile tears.

  After a few minutes I tugged her pull-up back up and told her she didn’t have to go on the potty, but that hadn’t stopped the tantrum.

  Everything I tried seemed to make it worse.

  I left her in the bathroom
and walked out. She screamed.

  I stayed in the bathroom with her and shut the door.

  She screamed.

  I carried her out of the bathroom and brought her into the living room.

  She screamed.

  I tried putting on Dora, the Wiggles, and Ponies.

  Nothing worked.

  I had to walk away before I lost it, so I left her in the living room and went to the kitchen, standing with my hand braced against the counter, trying to control my breathing.

  It wasn’t working. I could still hear her.

  To make things worse, my period had started that morning and I had cramps from hell.

  It’s like I was living a nightmare.

  My phone rang and I looked at the screen. Judd was calling. Now was not the time.

  I pressed ignore and put the phone back in my pocket.

  My phone beeped, signaling a text message, so I pulled it back out.

  “We won. Going out for beer. Join us!”

  I shook my head, and then thought back to the days when I could drop everything and go out when one of my friends asked me to. That seemed like such a long time ago.

  I could hear Karrie’s voice growing hoarse.

  “Can’t tonight. Congrats though.”

  I hoped that would be enough of an answer. I wasn’t in the mood to explain myself.

  I walked back to the living room, where Karrie was laying on her back and screaming up at the ceiling.

  “Karrie,” I said, trying to sound soothing. “What do you need, baby? Are you hungry?”

  “No!” she screamed.

  That seemed to be her favorite word lately.

  “Come on. It’ll be fun. I can pick you up.”

  I guess he wasn’t going to give up easily.

  “You want to take a bath and play with your duckies?” I tried again.

  “No!” Karrie now had snot and tears mixed together and drying on her face. I was thinking a bath was a good idea.

  “C’mon, let’s get you a bath,” I said, reaching over to pick her up and carry her to the bathroom. She flailed in my arms, kicking me in the boob in the process.

  “Son of a….” I yelled, just as my phone rang again.

  I put Karrie on the couch and walked back through the kitchen and out on to the back porch. I left the door open so I could still hear her, as could the neighbors I was sure, but I needed air.

  “What?” I asked angrily into the phone.

  “Hey, babe,” Judd said. He sounded really happy, which made me feel even more resentful.

  “I can’t go out, Judd.”

  “Are you sure? We can stop by and get you.”

  “I’m positive. I can’t tonight. You go have fun.”

  “C’mon… We played a great game and want to celebrate. You haven’t met the guys yet, it’ll be fun.”

  “Judd, can you listen to me please? I can’t go tonight.”

  I think my tone must have finally gotten through his good-game afterglow, because he asked, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I said sharply. “Nothing you have to worry about. Just go out and have fun with the guys.”

  “Do you want me to come over there instead?”

  “No. I don’t. I just want to be left alone tonight. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

  God, I sounded like a real bitch. I could feel it and I could hear it, but I couldn’t seem to do anything about it.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’m sure. Karrie’s throwing a fit and I’m PMSing. It’s not all picnics and rainbows over here, Judd. You go out. I’m staying here.”

  Silence.

  I knew that I’d gone too far, but it was too late to take back the words.

  “Look, Judd, I’m sorry, okay? I’m just having a bad night; it’s not your problem. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I tried to lighten my tone. “Okay? Have fun.”

  “Okay, Sam,” Judd said, his voice unsure. “Try to feel better.”

  I hung up the phone, worried that I’d shove my foot further in my mouth if I continued to talk to him.

  “Shit!” I yelled into the night air, rubbing my hands over my face. When I pulled them a way, I noticed they were damp. I hadn’t even realized I’d been crying.

  “Pull it together, Sam,” I said to myself.

  I breathed in deeply one last time before I turned to go back inside the house, rubbing my sore boob as I walked.

  Judd was probably glad that he’d seen how crazy I could be before he got too invested in our relationship. I was sure he was at the bar and drinking with his friends, grateful that he’d dodged a bullet.

  I cleaned up the mess we’d made for dinner earlier and focused on counting in my head.

  Was she ever going to fall asleep from exhaustion? I was sure ready to.

  A knock at the door caused Karrie to pause her screaming for a moment, but when she saw me walk into the room she started right up again.

  I hoped whoever it was brought earplugs.

  I opened the door and was truly shocked to see Judd standing there. His dark hair was still damp from the shower, and he had on a dark T-shirt with work jeans.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked. “I said I couldn’t go out.”

  He nodded, his green eyes looking at me intently. “I had a buddy drop me off.”

  Karrie’s screams turned to whimpers at the sound of his voice. He looked past me before he walked in, leaving me standing there still looking outside.

  He walked over to Karrie and picked her up, murmuring something in her ear and stroking her back as he carried her back toward her room.

  She stopped crying and sighed loudly.

  Really?

  I didn’t know whether to kiss him or throw a shoe at him. Instead, I headed back into the kitchen and opened a bottle of wine. I left it on the table and walked around, straightening up. I heard water running in the bathroom and assumed that he was washing the caked-on snotty mess off of her face.

  Karrie didn’t make a peep. The little traitor.

  I heard them going into her bedroom as I picked up her toys and put them in the bin. I looked at the clock on the DVD player and was surprised to see that it was already after nine o’clock.

  I knew Judd had a night game that evening, one that I’d been hoping to go to, but things just hadn’t worked out. Sometimes I didn’t get to do the things I wanted to do.

  Who was I kidding? Most of the time I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do.

  I went back and poured myself a glass of wine, taking an aspirin and washing it down. I looked out my kitchen window and listened to Judd’s low voice rumbling in the other room.

  It began to calm my nerves.

  Well that, coupled with the wine, began to calm my nerves.

  I took my wine and picked up the movie I’d rented from a machine at the grocery store earlier and put it in. I hoped Judd was in the mood for a love story.

  The previews had just finished when Judd came out of Karrie’s room, shutting the door behind him. He walked over and sat down on the couch next to me. He took the wine glass out of my hand and set it on the end table next to the couch, then eased me down so I was lying with my head in his lap.

  When he leaned back and settled in, he started to run his fingers through my hair, and I brought my hand up to discreetly brush away the tears that were forming in my eyes.

  Sam was still sleeping soundly on the couch when I heard Karrie stirring in her bedroom. I gently eased my arm out from under Sam’s head and rolled off the couch.

  I looked down to make sure I hadn’t woken Sam, then went back to Karrie’s room and slowly opened the door.

  Karrie was sitting up on the bed, looking dazed and sleepy, but when she saw me peeking through the doorway her face lit up.

  “Dudd!” she yelled happily.

  I put a finger to my lips and said, “Shhh. We don’t want to wake up your mommy.”

  Karrie grinned.

  “Do you want to
help me make breakfast?” I asked, walking up to her with my arms outstretched.

  Karrie nodded and put her arms up to meet mine.

  I started to walk out and I made an exaggerated movement to look around the corner to make sure Sam was still asleep on the couch, which only caused Karrie to giggle more.

  Damn, that had to be the best sound in the world.

  I tip-toed into the kitchen. I turned to Karrie and asked, “Where do you keep the food?”

  She pushed away from me and shimmied down, urging me to place her on the floor. When her padded feet hit the linoleum, she walked over to a cupboard and looked up at me, pointing to the door.

  I opened the cupboard and looked around. I turned back around, a box of pancake mix in hand, and handed it to Karrie to hold while I looked for a pan. I found two, and then I looked in the fridge for the milk, eggs, and some bacon.

  I put everything on the counter and turned to pick up Karrie and sit her on the counter as well. I took the pancake mix from her hands, warming at the way she smiled up at me.

  I tweaked her nose and then reached above her for a bowl. When I poured all of the ingredients into the bowl, I placed the whisk in Karrie’s palm and put my large hand around her tiny one. We mixed it all together as the pan heated.

  I was dropping a spoonful of mix into the pan when Sam’s voice filled the kitchen.

  “Good morning. What’s all this?”

  “‘An’akes,” Karrie said sweetly.

  “Mmmm, pancakes?” Sam responded, leaning in to nuzzle Karrie’s neck, causing her to squeal in delight. She then leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “Good morning.”

  “Morning,” I responded with a smile.

  “Thanks for last night,” she whispered in my ear.

  “Happy to help,” I responded, and I had been. I heard the stress in Sam’s voice when I’d talked to her on the phone last night.

  I’d been high on our win and excited at the prospect of showing Sam off to the team and celebrating with her. But when I’d hung up the phone I was no longer concerned about hanging out at the bar with the guys. I wanted to get to Sam and help her through whatever had put that stress in her voice.

  When I’d arrived and seen her tear-stained face and heard Karrie’s pathetic wailing, I felt an overwhelming need to fix things for the both of them.