With Everything I Am

  When that didn’t work and night had fallen, he sat in the snow at the rise at the side of his castle, his eyes on the light that came from the windows of the room he shared with his mate and he howled his inconsolable fury at the moon.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Dreams

  Callum walked as wolf into the room he shared with Sonia.

  The fire was ebbing but it still danced light throughout the room.

  Her eyes fluttered then opened, she spied him and whispered, “Hello Puppy.”

  He sat by the bed watching her.

  She grinned at him.

  He continued watching her.

  “Is my handsome wolf coming tonight?” she asked.

  Callum growled, knowing he would be coming and she would be coming too, as hard as he could force her to do so.

  Sonia blinked, slowly, dreamily knowing herself that his thoughts would come true.

  Her eyes drifted closed but her hand fell out as if reaching toward him.

  He moved forward, slid his muzzle along her fingers and in her sleep she smoothed her hand against him lovingly.

  Tired of this type of affection and wanting a different kind, Callum turned from her and leapt to man.

  As he approached the bed, her eyes fluttered open and focused on him.

  Without a word, he slid the covers from her beautiful, naked body and without hesitation, he covered that body with his own.

  He pulled the hides back over them.

  “Hi,” she breathed.

  Callum stared at her.

  God, he loved her.

  And he loved the fact that she loved him too.

  And he loved the fact that she could express the enormity of that love in one, two letter word.

  Therefore, he smiled.

  Her arm wrapped around him as her other hand went up to touch his face. Her fingertips in his hair, her thumb glided along his brow then down over this cheekbone then down again along his bottom lip.

  She watched her thumb and she did this as if fascinated.

  Callum waited as she did this, also loving the feel of her memorizing his features like she did every time he came to her after he roamed.

  However, he thought, as she did it, he should be memorizing hers for she would be gone from this earth long before he would.

  She lifted her head from the pillow and placed her mouth against his, taking him from his thoughts. “Where have you been, my handsome wolf?”

  Instead of answering, he glided his tongue along her lower lip.

  Sonia shivered and opened her legs so his hips could fall through.

  An invitation.

  As ever, his greedy, little queen wanted his cock.

  Then she wrapped him lovingly, protectively, in her limbs. As ever, her movements were an eloquent indication of her adoration of more than his cock, of all that was him.

  At the reminder of this, Callum growled against her mouth.

  She shivered again underneath him.

  Then, his deep voice rough with approval, he said, “Always in heat, my little one.”

  “Only for you,” she whispered, her breath catching, her heart racing, her skin warming, all without anything but his presence.

  “What do you want?” he asked low, his hips pressing into hers, knowing, when he buried himself inside her, she’d be wet, slick, ready for him.

  “You, inside me,” she answered.

  “Just like that?” he teased.

  “You’ve been gone a while,” she told him and arched her back. “I missed you.”

  He felt his face gentle.

  He knew she missed it when he was gone even if it was a minute but especially when it was hours while he roamed.

  He knew it because he missed her just the same.

  He knew he shouldn’t do it. He had so little time with her and he’d wish this time back when she was gone.

  But he was wolf, he needed to roam.

  Understanding her yearning for him in a way he was glad she’d never know just as he detested the fact that he carried that same yearning every moment and would hold onto it for eternity, he murmured softly, “Baby doll.”

  She was done talking. He knew this too as she pressed her lips against his, tightened her limbs around his body, lifted her hips into his, dug her nails into the muscles of his back, and begged, “Please, my handsome wolf, fuck –”

  He didn’t let her finish. He was done talking too.

  His hips reared back, he heard her breath catch and he prepared to invade.

  * * * * *

  Sonia lay with her head on his shoulder, her fingers sifting lazily through the hair on his chest.

  He loved it when she did that.

  “You okay, little one?” His voice was still gruff from his orgasm and from other things besides.

  He asked because he’d taken her hard, as usual, and she’d loved it, as usual.

  But he didn’t want her to ache.

  “Mm,” she murmured, her fingers tensing to drag her nails along his chest and her legs shifted against his, tangling with them, her body pressing closer, entwining with his.

  Callum smiled.

  She was okay.

  She did this now, entwining her body with his, getting closer.

  She did it often, now that she understood.

  Now that she understood everything.

  He thought he’d miss her before when she was gone.

  Now these times were exquisite torture.

  “Cal,” she called, her voice sounding like she sensed the turn of his thoughts.

  “Yes, baby doll?”

  Her hand flattened against his chest as if his skin could absorb it.

  Or she could absorb something integral from his skin. Something she needed. Something she couldn’t exist without.

  Then she whispered, “You know I love you, right?”

  He closed his eyes before his arm about her tightened and his other hand came across his chest to slide into the soft, golden hair at the side of her head.

  How could he ever not have fancied blondes?

  Because, he knew, they were never her.

  “I know, honey.”

  “You’ll never forget?” she was still whispering.

  His neck arched slightly but he forced his body to relax.

  “I’ll never forget.”

  She cuddled close and her hand slid across his chest to wrap around him tight. “I want you to promise to be happy but I don’t want you ever to forget.”

  “I won’t forget.”

  “Promise to be happy?”

  Impossible.

  “I promise.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  “I love you, baby doll.”

  “I know,” she said on a fluttering sigh and his chest got so tight, Callum found it hard to breathe.

  * * * * *

  They were running, roaming, as wolves, he and his mate.

  Not Sonia.

  A wolf.

  She was fast and kept up with him, close to his right flank, where she always ran.

  Callum took them deeper into the trees. They’d been running for hours. He could hear her pants. He knew he was pushing her. He knew what she wanted.

  He kept pushing her, knowing the anticipation would be worth it.

  How could he ever have imagined he’d feel content with a human queen?

  Then again, he had no idea he was missing this.

  Finally, he turned, headed for home and he sensed her instant excitement.

  He felt it too.

  * * * * *

  She was beneath him, on her belly, her long, thick, mahogany hair spread across her back, obscuring her face, tangled with pine needles. Her sweet, musky wolf scent assaulted him, coming from her hair, her skin, between her legs.

  But there was something familiar about it. Something beautiful. Something nostalgic. Something he fucking adored.

  He was up on his hands, giving his hips leverage to thrust into her wetness with sav
age brutality.

  Her moans weren’t filled with pain but each one a temptation to take her harder.

  So he did.

  “Spread your legs wider,” he ordered.

  She did as she was told.

  “Tilt your ass, take all of me,” he commanded.

  Again, she did as she was told and he drove inside her then ground his hips between her spread-eagled legs and her moan was so deep, he could feel it vibrating against the tip of his cock.

  That felt so fucking good, Callum ground into her deeper and he knew he couldn’t take much more.

  “Let go,” he demanded but she defied him, clenching her sex around his shaft in an effort to hold off her climax. He shifted his weight to one arm and twisted her dark hair around his fist, yanking it back, arching her neck and driving her further down on his cock. “Let go, wolf.”

  He got off on calling her “wolf” as Sonia had done to him. He fucking loved it.

  Her legs spread even wider. Her ass tilted further. He dropped his head and saw its perfection. Not an ass marred with pinpricks, a constant, hideous reminder of his old mate’s vulnerability and he felt a feeling of triumph so complete, the sight set him thrusting into her again.

  Which was what she wanted.

  “Harder, Cal,” she breathed her demand, her voice barely a whisper, even he could hardly make out the words. “Fuck me harder.”

  He was losing control, his orgasm was coming and he knew it would be staggering.

  With her, it always was.

  The best he’d ever had.

  “Goddamn it, let go!” he roared the instant her sex convulsed around his cock.

  She lifted up on her own arms, propelling herself onto his shaft so intensely he feared he’d split her in two.

  But she threw back her dark head, her hair flying over his hand still fisted in it, over his forearm, down her back and she howled her release.

  He pulled out and surged back in, burying himself to the root one last time and then howled his own.

  * * * * *

  Callum woke with a start, still wolf, lying on his side in the snow under a pine tree.

  The dream was still vivid. His skin under his fur heated not from his coat but from fucking the faceless, dark-headed, she-wolf.

  Fucking hell, he thought, coming to his paws, his mind troubled.

  The parts of his dream were not syncing. So contradictory to each other, to his feelings for Sonia now, the deeper ones he had in his dream, the heartbreakingly deeper ones he felt from her. His instinct as wolf to be faithful to his mate abrading against the episode with the she-wolf, an episode so lucid, so fucking real it was like it happened.

  Like he’d actually been disloyal to Sonia.

  The thought was so vile he felt his gut roil and he started to run.

  But he ran toward home.

  Toward Sonia.

  He leapt to man outside the backdoor which was always open in case he or his family needed to roam which was often.

  He opened the door and mindlessly pulled on the clothes he left there when he transformed earlier.

  He slid on his wedding band and was shrugging on a shirt while moving into the house when he noticed his mother there.

  She was wearing a robe, her hair disheveled, her face as troubled as his thoughts.

  Atypically, Callum had no time for his mother’s troubled thoughts.

  “Not now, Regan.”

  “Cal –”

  Impatient to get to Sonia, he stopped and leaned into her. “Not… now.”

  Without another word or processing the look of distress on his mother’s face, Callum took the stairs three at a time to get to his wife.

  She was lying on her side, the fire ebbing but still dancing in the room. So like his dream it sliced trough him.

  But, unlike the dream, she was facing away from the door.

  And she wasn’t asleep.

  He went immediately to the bed.

  He sat next to her and put a hand to her hip over the hides.

  “Baby doll,” he whispered, cursing himself mentally for giving in selfishly to his instinct to roam. “Your injection –”

  “I took it,” she replied in a voice strangely flat. “Don’t worry, Callum. I made sure Regan was in the room when I did.”

  He’d just run for hours, for miles, slept rough and run for miles again and still his gut was tight. His thoughts a torment. Feelings of guilt and fear and grief all snaking insidiously through his brain.

  He needed her.

  “Sonia –”

  She cut him off and her voice was still flat, so flat it sounded almost dead.

  “Listen, Callum, I’m really tired, okay?”

  “Baby doll –”

  He stopped speaking when her body visibly tensed at his words and then he watched in grim fascination as she forced it to relax.

  She rolled to look at him and Callum caught himself before he flinched.

  Her eyes were as flat and dead as her voice.

  What the fuck?

  “I’ve been trying to get to sleep for a while and I can’t do it. I nearly drifted off before you came in so, would you mind…?”

  Worry was added to those snaking thoughts tormenting him.

  He cupped her jaw with his hand. Her jaw tensed under his touch but her eyes never left his.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked.

  “Nothing,” she answered immediately. “Like I said, I’m just really tired.”

  She was lying.

  He pulled her from under the hides into his arms and sat in the bed, back to the headboard, Sonia in his lap.

  This felt better, tremendously better. Sonia in his lap, her body against his, her scent all around.

  “Right,” he said when his mind had finally settled. “Now, the truth this time. Tell me what’s the matter.”

  She was looking at him but her eyes stayed flat, emotionless. Not blank, like they were when he told her she had to take her injection but lifeless.

  “Sonia –” he started, that fear edging back in but she interrupted him.

  “Do you really want to know?” she asked as if she doubted that he really would.

  “Of course I fucking want to know,” he replied, beginning to lose patience.

  “All right, Callum, I’ll tell you,” she stated. “I miss them all the time but sometimes, I miss them more and tonight, I miss them loads. That’s what’s the matter. That’s why I can’t sleep.”

  She was talking about her parents and he wasn’t surprised her manner was listless. It was a defense mechanism, like her eyes going blank before getting the injection.

  Missing her parents had to be worse, even than that fucking injection.

  He slid a hand in her hair and pressed her cheek to his chest saying, “Honey.”

  “You should know, this happens a lot,” she told his chest matter-of-factly.

  “That’s okay.”

  “If I have trouble sleeping, I’ll find another room so I won’t disturb you.”

  His fingers gripped her head and he said, “That’s not okay.”

  “I like this room but really I don’t mind.”

  He pulled her head away from his chest and maneuvered it so they were face-to-face before he growled, “I do mind.”

  He didn’t know what he minded more, the thought that she would move somewhere else to sleep or the thought that she didn’t mind not sleeping with him.

  Something was fucking wrong and it was more than just thoughts of her dead parents. She liked to talk and she couldn’t sleep and he’d never fucking get to sleep after what Lucien told him and that goddamned dream.

  So they were going to talk.

  “I need you to explain something to me,” he announced and her eyes slightly narrowed in confusion.

  “Callum, it’s the middle of the night.”

  “You’re awake. I’m awake. We’re talking,” he told her and she sighed.

  Not a fluttering, sweet sigh. An annoyed, I?
??m-putting-up-with-Callum sigh.

  “All right, Callum, what do you want me to explain?” she asked, a sarcastic emphasis on “me” which made his already tight gut tighten sharply.

  He ignored it.

  “When we had our discussion after Regan returned my wedding band…” he began and felt her body get stiff against his but he ignored that too and carried on. “You said, when you gave me my ring, you didn’t know if it meant something to you. Then you said it did. I’d like you to explain that.”

  “Would you like me to explain that, in, say, I have a choice as to whether I do or not? Or are you telling me to explain that, in, say, I have no choice as to whether I do or not?”

  Her questions were a quagmire in which he knew, if he gave the wrong answer, he’d find it very difficult to extricate himself.

  Therefore, he answered carefully, “I’m asking you to explain it, Sonia.”

  She stared at him.

  He waited.

  She pulled in breath and said in a voice that was no longer flat but defiant, “All right, I will. You can be very kingly,” she told him absurdly for he was bloody well a king. “I’ve realized now, with time, that this is you but back then it worried me because when you get kingly, you forget I exist. This bothered me and I suspected you didn’t care anything for me but only your duty to me as your queen.”

  Callum’s jaw tightened before he clipped, “Tell me you’re fucking joking.”

  “I’m not,” she replied instantly. “I’d never been around a king so of course I didn’t get it. But even after you claimed me, which in my people’s world is a pretty significant thing and, as I’ve been told time and again by your people is an even more significant thing, you forced me into a shower. Then into a car. And then you didn’t speak to me for hours. I melted from your world.” She stared at him calmly and finished, “I think it was five, ten minutes after you’d made me yours when you forgot I existed except as your duty to put me in the truck and take me down the mountain.” She continued to stare at him a moment before aiming dead on target and hitting a bulls-eye. “That, Callum, didn’t feel very good.”

  He could imagine it didn’t and he did do that to her.

  Exactly as she said.

  Except for the fact that she ceased to exist.

  “Sonia –”

  “No,” she interrupted him, still calm. “I get it now. You don’t have to worry. I get it. You had a lot on your mind, more than I knew or understood. Now I understand. I was being selfish.”