Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2

  CHAPTER VI.

  _Of which you are desired to read no more than you like._

  The meeting between Joseph and Pamela was not without tears of joy onboth sides; and their embraces were full of tenderness and affection.They were, however, regarded with much more pleasure by the nephew thanby the aunt, to whose flame they were fuel only; and this was increasedby the addition of dress, which was indeed not wanted to set off thelively colours in which Nature had drawn health, strength, comeliness,and youth. In the afternoon Joseph, at their request, entertained themwith an account of his adventures: nor could Lady Booby conceal herdissatisfaction at those parts in which Fanny was concerned, especiallywhen Mr Booby launched forth into such rapturous praises of her beauty.She said, applying to her niece, that she wondered her nephew, who hadpretended to marry for love, should think such a subject proper toamuse his wife with; adding, that, for her part, she should be jealousof a husband who spoke so warmly in praise of another woman. Pamelaanswered, indeed, she thought she had cause; but it was an instance ofMr Booby's aptness to see more beauty in women than they weremistresses of. At which words both the women fixed their eyes on twolooking-glasses; and Lady Booby replied, that men were, in the general,very ill judges of beauty; and then, whilst both contemplated onlytheir own faces, they paid a cross compliment to each other's charms.When the hour of rest approached, which the lady of the house deferredas long as decently she could, she informed Joseph (whom for the futurewe shall call Mr Joseph, he having as good a title to that appellationas many others--I mean that incontested one of good clothes) that shehad ordered a bed to be provided for him. He declined this favour tohis utmost; for his heart had long been with his Fanny; but sheinsisted on his accepting it, alledging that the parish had no properaccommodation for such a person as he was now to esteem himself. Thesquire and his lady both joining with her, Mr Joseph was at last forcedto give over his design of visiting Fanny that evening; who, on herside, as impatiently expected him till midnight, when, in complacenceto Mr Adams's family, who had sat up two hours out of respect to her,she retired to bed, but not to sleep; the thoughts of her love kept herwaking, and his not returning according to his promise filled her withuneasiness; of which, however, she could not assign any other causethan merely that of being absent from him.

  Mr Joseph rose early in the morning, and visited her in whom his souldelighted. She no sooner heard his voice in the parson's parlour thanshe leapt from her bed, and, dressing herself in a few minutes, wentdown to him. They passed two hours with inexpressible happinesstogether; and then, having appointed Monday, by Mr Adams's permission,for their marriage, Mr Joseph returned, according to his promise, tobreakfast at the Lady Booby's, with whose behaviour, since the evening,we shall now acquaint the reader.

  She was no sooner retired to her chamber than she asked Slipslop "Whatshe thought of this wonderful creature her nephew had married?"--"Madam?" said Slipslop, not yet sufficiently understanding what answershe was to make. "I ask you," answered the lady, "what you think of thedowdy, my niece, I think I am to call her?" Slipslop, wanting no furtherhint, began to pull her to pieces, and so miserably defaced her, that itwould have been impossible for any one to have known the person. Thelady gave her all the assistance she could, and ended with saying, "Ithink, Slipslop, you have done her justice; but yet, bad as she is, sheis an angel compared to this Fanny." Slipslop then fell on Fanny, whomshe hacked and hewed in the like barbarous manner, concluding with anobservation that there was always something in those low-life creatureswhich must eternally extinguish them from their betters. "Really," saidthe lady, "I think there is one exception to your rule; I am certain youmay guess who I mean."--"Not I, upon my word, madam," said Slipslop. "Imean a young fellow; sure you are the dullest wretch," said the lady. "Ola! I am indeed. Yes, truly, madam, he is an accession," answeredSlipslop. "Ay, is he not, Slipslop?" returned the lady. "Is he not sogenteel that a prince might, without a blush, acknowledge him for hisson? His behaviour is such that would not shame the best education. Heborrows from his station a condescension in everything to his superiors,yet unattended by that mean servility which is called good behaviour insuch persons. Everything he doth hath no mark of the base motive offear, but visibly shows some respect and gratitude, and carries with itthe persuasion of love. And then for his virtues: such piety to hisparents, such tender affection to his sister, such integrity in hisfriendship, such bravery, such goodness, that, if he had been born agentleman, his wife would have possessed the most invaluableblessing."--"To be sure, ma'am," says Slipslop. "But as he is," answeredthe lady, "if he had a thousand more good qualities, it must render awoman of fashion contemptible even to be suspected of thinking of him;yes, I should despise myself for such a thought."--"To be sure, ma'am,"said Slipslop. "And why to be sure?" replied the lady; "thou art alwaysone's echo. Is he not more worthy of affection than a dirty countryclown, though born of a family as old as the flood? or an idle worthlessrake, or little puisny beau of quality? And yet these we must condemnourselves to, in order to avoid the censure of the world; to shun thecontempt of others, we must ally ourselves to those we despise; we mustprefer birth, title, and fortune, to real merit. It is a tyranny ofcustom, a tyranny we must comply with; for we people of fashion are theslaves of custom."--"Marry come up!" said Slipslop, who now knew wellwhich party to take. "If I was a woman of your ladyship's fortune andquality, I would be a slave to nobody."--"Me," said the lady; "I amspeaking if a young woman of fashion, who had seen nothing of the world,should happen to like such a fellow.--Me, indeed! I hope thou dost notimagine--"--"No, ma'am, to be sure," cries Slipslop. "No! what no?"cried the lady. "Thou art always ready to answer before thou hast heardone. So far I must allow he is a charming fellow. Me, indeed! No,Slipslop, all thoughts of men are over with me. I have lost a husbandwho--but if I should reflect I should run mad. My future ease mustdepend upon forgetfulness. Slipslop, let me hear some of thy nonsense,to turn my thoughts another way. What dost thou think of MrAndrews?"--"Why, I think," says Slipslop, "he is the handsomest, mostproperest man I ever saw; and if I was a lady of the greatest degree itwould be well for some folks. Your ladyship may talk of custom, if youplease: but I am confidous there is no more comparison between young MrAndrews and most of the young gentlemen who come to your ladyship'shouse in London; a parcel of whipper-snapper sparks: I would soonermarry our old parson Adams. Never tell me what people say, whilst I amhappy in the arms of him I love. Some folks rail against other folksbecause other folks have what some folks would be glad of."--"And so,"answered the lady, "if you was a woman of condition, you would reallymarry Mr Andrews?"--"Yes, I assure your ladyship," replied Slipslop, "ifhe would have me."--"Fool, idiot!" cries the lady; "if he would have awoman of fashion! is that a question?"--"No, truly, madam," saidSlipslop, "I believe it would be none if Fanny was out of the way; and Iam confidous, if I was in your ladyship's place, and liked Mr JosephAndrews, she should not stay in the parish a moment. I am sure lawyerScout would send her packing if your ladyship would but say the word."This last speech of Slipslop raised a tempest in the mind of hermistress. She feared Scout had betrayed her, or rather that she hadbetrayed herself. After some silence, and a double change of hercomplexion, first to pale and then to red, she thus spoke: "I amastonished at the liberty you give your tongue. Would you insinuate thatI employed Scout against this wench on account of the fellow?"--"La,ma'am," said Slipslop, frighted out of her wits, "I assassinate such athing!"--"I think you dare not," answered the lady; "I believe myconduct may defy malice itself to assert so cursed a slander. If I hadever discovered any wantonness, any lightness in my behaviour; if I hadfollowed the example of some whom thou hast, I believe, seen, inallowing myself indecent liberties, even with a husband; but the dearman who is gone" (here she began to sob), "was he alive again" (then sheproduced tears), "could not upbraid me with any one act of tenderness orpassion. No, Slipslop, all the time I cohabited with him he neverobtained even a kiss from me without my expressing reluctance in thegranting it. I am
sure he himself never suspected how much I loved him.Since his death, thou knowest, though it is almost six weeks (it wantsbut a day) ago, I have not admitted one visitor till this fool my nephewarrived. I have confined myself quite to one party of friends. And cansuch a conduct as this fear to be arraigned? To be accused, not only ofa passion which I have always despised, but of fixing it on such anobject, a creature so much beneath my notice!"--"Upon my word, ma'am,"says Slipslop, "I do not understand your ladyship; nor know I anythingof the matter."--"I believe indeed thou dost not understand me. Thoseare delicacies which exist only in superior minds; thy coarse ideascannot comprehend them. Thou art a low creature, of the Andrews breed, areptile of a lower order, a weed that grows in the common garden of thecreation."--"I assure your ladyship," says Slipslop, whose passions werealmost of as high an order as her lady's, "I have no more to do withCommon Garden than other folks. Really, your ladyship talks of servantsas if they were not born of the Christian specious. Servants have fleshand blood as well as quality; and Mr Andrews himself is a proof thatthey have as good, if not better. And for my own part, I can't perceivemy dears[A] are coarser than other people's; and I am sure, if MrAndrews was a dear of mine, I should not be ashamed of him in companywith gentlemen; for whoever hath seen him in his new clothes mustconfess he looks as much like a gentleman as anybody. Coarse, quotha! Ican't bear to hear the poor young fellow run down neither; for I willsay this, I never heard him say an ill word of anybody in his life. I amsure his coarseness doth not lie in his heart, for he is thebest-natured man in the world; and as for his skin, it is no coarserthan other people's, I am sure. His bosom, when a boy, was as white asdriven snow; and, where it is not covered with hairs, is so still.Ifakins! if I was Mrs Andrews, with a hundred a year, I should not envythe best she who wears a head. A woman that could not be happy with sucha man ought never to be so; for if he can't make a woman happy, I neveryet beheld the man who could. I say again, I wish I was a great lady forhis sake. I believe, when I had made a gentleman of him, he'd behave sothat nobody should deprecate what I had done; and I fancy few wouldventure to tell him he was no gentleman to his face, nor to mineneither." At which words, taking up the candles, she asked her mistress,who had been some time in her bed, if she had any farther commands? whomildly answered, she had none; and, telling her she was a comicalcreature, bid her good-night.

  [A] Meaning perhaps ideas.