Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.
with a ‘C’, ‘Cousin’, for instance. He said: "Ousin".
SHEILA
Look, I don’t think we’re talking about the same Oswald! The Oswald I knew had black hair; was five foot three and sustained a potbelly...
ETHEL
(Completing)
Wore a mustache, rooted for the Phanters, and was thirty-five...
LUI
(Completing)
From New Jersey, and drove a cream VW Bug...
SHEILA
It is the same Oswald!
ETHEL
It’s the same person, always happy, and with a silly smile on his face.
LUI
Always telling dirty jokes…
SHEILA
And always pulling that practical joke of his, that one he tried to run over people on the sidewalks with his car…
ETHEL
Always puffing at that stinky cigar...
SHEILA
He was a very nasty person... Great Oswald!
LUI
Oswald...
(Takes a look at his watch)
Gee! I gotta go!
ETHEL
Why so hasty?
LUI
(Picking his belongings up)
It’s almost two and I told Oswald I’d have lunch with him at three today. Bye!
(LUI leaves in a hurry. ETHEL and SHEILA look at each other in awe.)
ETHEL
Lunch with Oswald?
SHEILA
(She wonders a little and gets offended)
Holy crap, and he didn’t invite us!
(They are still in awe as if something isn’t quite right but they can’t figure out what it is exactly. It starts raining and they both leave.)
(SCENE ENDS)
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ABOUT DIETS AND matHEMATICS
As opposed to the anorexic top models that boast about not dieting in order to maintain their scrawny figures, for ordinary women like me, going hungry is routine.
We specialize in diet plans, and as soon as a new one is made public, we rush to try it. I’ve endured them all. Through the moon diet plan, I only ate during moon cycles. While on the banana diet, only ate bananas. On the odd day diet, ate only on odd days. Then on the alphabet diet, only ate meals, which started with the first alphabet letter of that day. Suffice it to say that on days starting with w, x, y and z starving became the single option. I was also on the soup diet plan, the protein diet plan, the carbohydrate diet plan, and so on and so forth.
All diet plans have something in common: first, you starve; once it’s over you dive into binge eating and finally end up heavier than when you started.
Ordinary women like me get so much paranoid with our calorie intake that we become math experts. We memorize the calories in each and every food and spend the rest of the day calculating them all in our heads. But it takes one bite at a chocolate bar to quash our summing. I hate math.
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AGNES AND DOMINIQUE AGAINST THE WHITE DRAGON CULT
The setting is a hospital room. Only a stretcher on which lies a dying patient – a male sex doll – attached to a serum bag and other equipment. The lights slowly go up illumining the stretcher until Agnes, a nun, enters the stage. She walks closer to the stretcher apparently showing extreme joy.
AGNES
Good morning, Mr. Kravitz! How was your night?
(AGNES keeps talking to Mr. Kravitz while she adjusts his pillows.)
AGNES
You look quite healthy! You’ve been out in the sun, haven’t you? That purplish skin color suits you very well. Those fixed bulging eyes... No one could ever tell the doctors disillusioned you! But there you are as sound as a bell. At ease… In peace... If it were up to me, I'd turn this machine of…
(AGNES makes a gesture to turn off life-support. Old Mr. KRAVITZ desperately agonizes fearing for his life, and AGNES backs down.)
AGNES
But if the doctors say, it must be on, who am I to disagree, right Mr. Kravitz? Mow let’s take a little shot. It won’t sting a bit. See? Easy as pie. You are a great patient! Never whines, always minding your own business…
DOMINIQUE
(Comes in)
Agnes my God! There you are, talking to Mr. Kravitz again? Don’t you understand he can’t hear a word you say? The man is practically a vegetable!
AGNES
Don’t sweat it; I also talk to my plants!
DOMINIQUE
Good, so I won’t be scared if I catch you talking to a lettuce salad.
(DOMINIQUE gives Mr. KRAVITZ a shot.)
AGNES
What are you doing?
DOMINIQUE
Can’t you see? I’m giving him a shot.
AGNES
Which shot?
DOMINIQUE
I don’t know which. I just know he takes one every morning!
AGNES
But I’ve already given him that one today before you came in.
DOMINIQUE
And why didn’t you tell me?
AGNES
You didn’t ask!
DOMINIQUE
I doubt one little more or one less shot will do him any harm! In fact, nothing will. Look at the shape he’s in.
AGNES
He seems quite well...
DOMINIQUE
For a corpse!
AGNES
That is no excuse for not giving him a decent treatment. He’s still a human being, so to speak.
DOMINIQUE
It was just one more needle! He’s gonna die anyway.
AGNES
Don’t say that in his presence. God won’t be pleased with it!
DOMINIQUE
He can’t hear a word we say. Moreover, it’s the truth. And that’s not a sin! The doctors say he won’t last until next week.
AGNES
How cruel, Dominique! There’s always hope when we believe in God! You’re a nun, and must have faith!
DOMINIQUE
Faith? But take a good look at him! He can’t even move his eyes. And still, I never wanted to be a nun!
AGNES
Ask God’s forgiveness, Dominique! It’s blasphemy!
DOMINIQUE
I just came to the convent because my stepfather molested me! I was home alone one day when Ulysses, my stepfather was named Ulysses, took me into those strong arms of his, tied me to the bed, and spent hours taking advantage of me.
AGNES
Gee! That must bring you horrible memories!
DOMINIQUE
(Puzzled)
What d’you mean?
AGNES
Was your mother frightened that your stepfather would molest you again, and sent you to the convent to protect you?
DOMINIQUE
Nonsense! She got envious! She thought Ulysses would leave her to be with me. So, she decided to send me to a convent, and my chances of having a sexual life were over.
AGNES
Dominique!
(Hearing DOMINIQUE’s heresy, AGNES makes the sign of the cross.)
AGNES
God will punish you!
DOMINIQUE
Do you want a greater punishment than this? Spending my life at a hospital, living among nuns, sick people, invalids, no one in excellent physical shape?
(DOMINIQUE looks at Mr. KRAVITZ.)
DOMINIQUE
Look at him! It seems he wants to say something.
AGNES
He must be asking God to forgive you!
DOMINIQUE
Baloney, he is enjoying it all! He is definitely picturing the beautiful body I hide under this frock! Look! He won't take his eyes off my boobs!