Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.
(Looking at her own breasts and clutching them in her hands.)
They are amazingly big, a real beauty!
AGNES
Stop saying heresies! The man is almost dead!
DOMINIQUE
(Looks towards Mr. KRAVITZ’s sex)
I understand what you say. This man does not need nuns anymore, he needs a priest.
(bit)
By the way, I need a priest too! A holy man who can extinguish these volcanic flames inside of me.
(AGNES grabs DOMINIQUE by her shoulders and starts shaking her)
AGNES
Quit it! Quit it! Repent! Get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness!
DOMINIQUE
(escaping from Agnes’ grip)
Are you crazy, Agnes? I’ve never seen you so distraught! But you weren’t until you heard I needed a priest.
AGNES
And do you want a greater profanity than that?
DOMINIQUE
There’s no sacrilege in needing a priest! I just want to confess! And while on the subject, I remember that young recently ordained priest who stayed in the convent for two months now...
AGNES
I remember nothing.
DOMINIQUE
Of course, you do! He was forever taking your confession! And you got way too sad when he left.
AGNES
You making it all up!
(Starts murmuring ‘Our Father’)
“Our father who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name...”
DOMINIQUE
Agnes did you and father Gusman... Did you have a thing?
AGNES
(Her praying gets louder)
“Thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven…”
DOMINIQUE
Agnes, I’m your best friend! You can open up to me. Only the two of us are here.
(Looking at Mr. KRAVITZ)
He won’t tell anyone!
AGNES
(Her praying becomes even louder)
“Hail Mary full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed are thou among women...”
DOMINIQUE
Listen, I am not sure you heard, but father Gusman left the church and is now married!
AGNES
(Snapping out of her stupor)
That creep! That chauvinist pig! I was an innocent-naive-girl and he took advantage of me!
DOMINIQUE
Agnes of God! So is it true? You and father Gusman?
AGNES
The temptation was stronger than me! He had such piercing eyes, beautiful smile, and magnetic lips… You should’ve seen him shirtless!
(Regretful)
But I repented! Starved, used a whip as self-punishment! Prayed a thousand ‘Our Father’, and a thousand ‘Holy Mary’! I asked for God’s forgiveness! I asked for his mercy!
(By now, AGNES is already on her knees and supplicating)
Mercy! Mercy for a poor sinner!
DOMINIQUE
For God’s sake, Agnes! Tell me! How was it with Gusman?
AGNES
It was great! Awesome! Celestial! He was a true clergyman in bed! He made me touch paradise! I saw the Virgin surrounded by angels in person! I heard heavenly harps! Bells tolled! And how big clappers they had! It was sheer insanity! That man was something! He made me pray the rosary and whatever else you can imagine!
(Regretful)
God forgive me! Have clemency, Lord!
DOMINIQUE
For the Blessed Virgin! What an amazing thing! How could you keep it to yourself for so long? You should have told me before! Maybe I could have tasted a little of it too!
AGNES
Don’t say such a thing, Dominique! You’re a nun, and you must keep yourself pure and immaculate!
DOMINIQUE
But I already told you that I am no longer sealed, Agnes!
AGNES
But it wasn’t your fault! You were forced into it, contingencies. You cannot understand what it is like to feel the weight of temptation upon you, the feeling of not resisting the flesh. My God! You cannot grasp what it is like knowing that what you are doing is not right, and yet, long for nothing else. Forgive me, Lord.
DOMINIQUE
Do you regret it, Agnes?
AGNES
That’s the problem! I can’t! I try, I make an effort to, but I can’t! Every time I think of his clapper, a shiver runs down my spine and a heat runs within my whole body. It’s hell! I’m a sinner! I am not worthy of this frock!
DOMINIQUE
I am also not worthy of it! Because of it, I gave up healthier habits!
AGNES
Tell me! Is it true what you say about Gusman? Is he truly married?
DOMINIQUE
He knocked a girl up and had to marry! Her parents did not fell for the Holy Spirit story!
AGNES
Men are creeps! They’re all the same! After they get what they want, they hit the road. That’s why I’m a nun!
DOMINIQUE
I swore you were a nun by vocation, that you lived to help others.
AGNES
Are you crazy? I came to the convent because my boyfriend left me for his barber!
DOMINIQUE
His barber!?
AGNES
That’s what you heard! I never wanted another man in my life!
DOMINIQUE
But from what you tell me he was not that much of a man!
AGNES
After that disenchantment, I decided to become a nun! I loved watching THE FLYING NUN, and I thought it could be interesting, besides driving men away. But I must confess that regardless of all my prayers, I didn’t manage to get three inches up in the air.
DOMINIQUE
Agnes of God! I have always had you as a role model, an example that it was possible to be a nun without going crazy!
AGNES
Sorry If I let you down.
DOMINIQUE
Nonsesnse! I think it’s great! I have no reason to feel guilty for not liking to be a nun now! I’m gonna leave the church! Enough is enough! I am tired of taking care of sick people, caring for the invalids, changing pee soaked bedspreads, of putting up with the smell of ether, of having to wear old-fashioned clothes! Long live the cleavage, miniskirts, thongs, topless, suntan lotion, and beach ringworms! I wanna a beautiful sunburned body and show my tan lines. I want the smear of lipstick, rouge, face powder, and mascara all over my face. I wanna walk on high heels and have men hitting on me hard! I wanna get drunk! I wanna dance to death in a Brazilian Samba School. Hooray for Mangueira!
AGNES
Hooray for Portela! Hooray for Beija Flor! That is exciting! I even feel like singing!
DOMINIQUE
So do I!
AGNES
Look! Even Mr. Kravitz seems to feel like singing!
DOMINIQUE
Bolony, he is dying!
(AGNES and DOMINIQUE look at each other, worried at first, but in the end, they burst out laughing, and happily leave the stage while singing: Domi-nique -nique -nique, o'er the land he plods along, and sings a little song. Never asking for reward, He just talks about the Lord,
He just talks about the Lord.)
(SCENE ENDS)
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ABOUT SEX
Women love, and men have sex. That's what they say. Wrong!
Women love and hanker for a man that can give her sex, awesome sex! After that, loving each other is a bonus.
The problem is that, while we're a vast territory with waterfalls, valleys, mountains, slides, hollows, forests, you name it, all men know about sex can be reduced to a seven-inch-ruler. And I’m being very generous.
But to avoid any confusion, we aren’t Mount Everest either, a challenge where a man can plant his flag and then set off on a new expedition. We don’t appreciate sex climbers: the terrain is uneven, we take the time to reach the zenith, and after that, it’s downhill all the way.
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Be an Indiana Jones in search of a lost treasure or a Captain Kirk and boldly go where no man has gone before.
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THELMA & LOUISE
Although the place is crowded with women, THELMA is all by herself at a table. A very loud music plays, lights flash while a man performs his strip show on a very small stage of the moldy place. Thelma is seated but occasionally stands up in delight. She pulls faces at the man as if excited. In spite of her bad, tawdry, and tacky taste in clothing with big cleavages, breasts popped up in a tight bra and an appalling huge wig, THELMA is a very desirable woman. At various moments, she draws money from the gap between her breasts and throws it at the strip dancer during his performance.
THELMA
(Screaming)
Go ahead, hunky! Take it all off! Show mama what you have hidden in there! Put it all out, yummy! I wanna see you shake that ass a little more!
(LOUISE looms looking around for her bachelorette party friends. She dresses well, with a certain sobriety, and without any exaggeration. Her outfit shows an educated intellectualized, well-informed, but somewhat shy woman, someone who prefers to go unnoticed. LOUISE doesn’t have a haughty attitude. She walks with her head down and shoulders hunched forward. She just came from the ladies room to find out she lost sight of two friends with whom she celebrated at the party. She is noticeably embarrassed and gets horrified when she sees THELMA’s shameful behavior. She’s like a fish out of the water. Tired of looking for her friends, LOUISE notices that the only available sitting place is right beside the tawdry woman. Defeated by fate, and with much resistance, she walks to the empty spot.)
LOUISE
(Faint-hearted)
Excuse-me.
THELMA
(Without giving it much thought, more interested in the strip number)
Yeah, girl, sit down!
(Shouts at the stripper)
Gorgeous!
(Feeling awkward, louise sits down and looks around still searching for her missing friends. THELMA finally notices her and asks abruptly)
THELMA
Isn’t he a hunk?
LOUISE
(Feeling disconcerted by the question)
Sorry?
THELMA
A fine piece of man, dammit! Look at that bulge inside that Speedo!
(Turns to the show and shouts)
Let it swing, delicious!
(louise feels like