Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.
an existential crisis while on the beach, for God’s sake!
ETHEL
Are you sure?
SHEILA
I’m positive! Have you ever seen anyone having an existential crisis on the beach on a holiday?
ETHEL
That’s not what I meant. You mentioned God. Are you sure, there’s one?
ETHEL
What do I have to say so you can hit the water?
ETHEL
No!
SHEILA
Do I need to say NO?
ETHEL
No, there’s no God!
SHEILA
Okay! What if there’s not a God? Can’t we go for a swim anyway? I got to cool in the water. It’s more than 122 degrees out here!
ETHEL
It doesn’t make sense, Sheila.
SHEILA
I’m fed up with this story that the world doesn’t make any sense.
ETHEL
It’s not the world! Life doesn’t make any sense. And I was not talking about that. The 122 degrees don't make sense! That’s not possible or we’d be scorched already!
SHEILA
I’m scorched all right! My brains are done because you refuse to hit the water with me, take a dive and we call it quits.
ETHEL
How can you think of taking a dive when we face something as complex as the meaning of life?
SHEILA
Just because I am facing something called the sun, besides your nagging, that is. Why on earth did you invite me to the beach?
ETHEL
It was hot. I thought we could go swimming.
SHEILA
Then why aren’t we?
ETHEL
Because I found out that life is meaningless! And if life is meaningless nothing else matters, not even sea bathing on a hot sunny day!
(At this moment, LUI enters the stage greeting SHEILA and ETHEL.)
LUI
Sheila, what’s up? Aren’t you hitting the water?
SHEILA
Nope.
LUI
Why not?
SHEILA
Because Ethel found out life is meaningless!
LUI
(to ETHEL)
Meaningless?
ETHEL
Yes.
LUI
Do you honestly think so?
ETHEL
I’m sure.
LUI
What about God? Is there a God?
ETHEL
No.
LUI
But Descartes proved God’s existence!
ETHEL
Yes, but the Cartesian thought is based on the knowledge of a thing-in-itself, which is a huge mistake. We cannot know a thing-in-itself only by what it shows us, what it portrays.
LUI
Even Kant hypothesized God’s existence!
ETHEL
Only morally, we are only certain about what our perceptions reveal us! God exists as an idea, because of our pesky synthetic reasoning power in search of the unknown!
LUI
It seems sensible.
SHEILA
Well, I think we should also be sensible and go for a dive.
LUI
But if God doesn’t exist, what is the meaning of life?
SHEILA
Why don’t you talk about that in the water?
ETHEL
There’s no sense in living!
SHEILA
But sea bathing totally makes sense! Let’s go!
LUI
Do you mean we simply roam the earth without a goal?
SHEILA
I have one! How about roaming to the water?
ETHEL
Yes.
SHEILA
Yes, let’s swim!
ETHEL
Yes, we roam without a goal.
LUI
Oh, my God!
SHEILA
“Oh, my God:” tell me about it! Are we or aren’t we taking a swim?
LUI
If life is meaningless, then why live?
SHEILA
Yes, why eat, have sex, brush our teeth, or go swimming?
ETHEL
It’s true! Life is meaningless. Life makes no sense. God doesn’t exist, and our existence is an utter emptiness.
LUI
Then, why live?
ETHEL
There’s no reason.
LUI
(Sitting down)
That’s serious!
ETHEL
Quite serious!
LUI
It is too serious, folks!
SHEILA
And what are we going to do?
ETHEL
Well, we can go on living our pointless existence or commit suicide.
LUI
Isn’t there another alternative?
SHEILA
Yes, there is! We can hit the water!
LUI
Seriously, Sheila!
SHEILA
I mean it!
(Having an idea)
Why don’t we hit the water and drown?
ETHEL
Drown?
SHEILA
Yes, if life is senseless…
LUI
She might be right, Ethel!
SHEILA
I know I am.
LUI
If there’s no sense in living…
SHEILA
You’re telling me.
ETHEL
I think she’s right. There’s no point in living. Let’s all get drowned, then!
(All of a sudden, we hear thunder and it starts raining.)
LUI
Damn, what a bummer! It’s raining!
SHEILA
That’s all I needed to ruin my day on the beach!
ETHEL
Yeah, guys, with this weather I guess we better head back home. Rain makes beach time hopeless.
LUI
It sure does. We could also get struck and killed by lightening!
ETHEL
Good thinking! Who wants to die on the beach?
(ETHEL and LUI laugh. SHEILA gets upset.)
SHEILA
Hey, guys, wait a minute! What happened to all that chatter about life being meaningless?
ETHEL
For God’s sake, Sheila! You don’t wanna talk about that now; not under this rain, do you? Let’s talk about that at home while watching some video!
LUI
Great idea!
(They all leave the stage.)
LUI
We could watch a Spielberg!
SHEILA
I just wanted to go for a swim!
(SCENE ENDS)
Back to Contents
Women on the Verge of a BEACH MELTDOWN II
ETHEL and SHEILA placidly sunbathe on the beach.
ETHEL
Sheila, pass me the suntan lotion, please. I wanna brown roast myself today!
SHEILA
Don't say that. It reminds me of Oswald. He was cremated yesterday.
ETHEL
Is he dead? Oswald’s died.
SHEILA
I find it hard to believe he could somehow beat that oven.
ETHEL
Oswald died and didn’t even call me before?
SHEILA
Don’t worry. Maybe he had no time for that. You know how Oswald was, always busy. He was a very dedicated architect.
ETHEL
I always thought he was a dentist.
SHEILA
Nope, he was a lawyer! He had an office on Cockroach Street! It was close to the beach.
ETHEL
Have you ever been there?
SHEILA
Yes, I had a root canal and did two fillings there once. But he was not a good dentist.
ETHEL
Oswald... Well... No one will miss him. Were you at his funeral?
SHEILA
Yes, I was. Oswald looked good in his coffin.
He wore a very neat suit. By the way, he looked much better dead.
ETHEL
What about his wife?
SHEILA
Wife?
ETHEL
Wasn’t Oswald married?
SHEILA
No, Oswaldo never married, never! As far as I’m concerned, he was a widower!
ETHEL
And the widow how was she?
SHEILA
Heartbroken! After the funeral, we ended up going to male strip club. You should’ve seen her. She couldn't stop screaming, the poor thing
ETHEL
One should expect no less! All alone now, with three small children to educate…
SHEILA
Are you nuts? She has no small children!
ETHEL
You are the crazy one! Have you ever seen anyone without children? It’s against human nature!
SHEILA
Hold on a second! Are you sure, we’re talking about the same people?
ETHEL
I’m talking about Oswald’s wife!
SHEILA
Oswald, the one who had a right leg limp?
ETHEL
He did not have a right leg limp. He had a left glass eye!
SHEILA
I never knew Oswald had a glass eye!
ETHEL
It almost looked perfect. No one would’ve noticed! I think Oswald himself did not know he had one.
SHEILA
Don’t be silly! How could he not know he had a glass eye?
ETHEL
Oswald was very flighty!
(Pause)
People say that only at ten he finally noticed he was called Oswald. Till then he thought his name was Jack! People called him Oswald and he wouldn’t answer. For a long time, his parents thought he was deaf! That was when they took him to see a doctor and found out that he was blind in his left eye.
SHEILA
For Christ’s sake, Ethel! Who told you that?
ETHEL
It’s true! Ask Lui; look, he’s coming this way!
(LUI enters. He greets ETHEL and SHEILA)
LUI
Sheila, what’s up? Aren’t you going for a swim?
SHEILA
Lui, why do you always ask us that? Don’t they write you anything else to say?
LUI
I thought we were repeating the scene. But let's go on, anyway! Girls, the sun is hot and the water is great!
ETHEL
Lui, you knew Oswald, didn’t you?
LUI
Oswald? I sure did!
(Wondering)
Oswald, who?
ETHEL
Oswald, you know!
SHEILA
The one who died?
LUI
Is Oswald dead? Are you sure?
SHEILA
I’m positive! I attended his cremation.
LUI
Gee! So that’s why he stood me up on Tuesday. We were supposed to play cards… But no one told me anything!
SHEILA
Well, they say he was not expecting it to happen either. He was totally caught by surprise.
ETHEL
But, Lui, tell Sheila that Oswald realized his name was Oswald only after he was ten years old.
LUI
I know nothing about that! I barely knew Oswald!
SHEILA
Didn’t he have a right leg limp?
LUI
No way! As a matter of fact, he was one hell of a swimmer!
SHEILA
Did you know he downed?
LUI
How come? I thought he was cremated!
SHEILA
That was after he drowned!
LUI
Poor guy, what a trial! Drowned and then cremated!
ETHEL
But he had a glass eye!
LUI
He never told me! And we were very close! The only thing I knew about him was that he couldn’t say any words that begun