Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.
they’ll face the crack of the whip!
LIONCEL
Francisc, how long have you been in this line of work? I mean, worked, you know.
FOREMAN
How long I’ve been a mill foreman?
LIONCEL
Yes.
FOREMAN
Gee, Mr. Lioncel. It's been ages! I started working with my deceased father. God bless his soul. He taught me everything I know.
LIONCEL
My father was illiterate.
FOREMAN
(As if being illiterate was a great thing)
So!
LIONCEL
Well, are you sure, we're doing well with the slaves, I mean?
FOREMAN
Mr. Lioncel, have you any ‘complaining’ about me?
LIONCEL
No, not at all. I was just thinking. Maybe we could put an urn in the slave quarters so they could give their suggestions on how we could improve their labor conditions, things like that. What do you think?
FOREMAN
(Bewildered)
Suggestion? Black people's suggestions!
Oh, I get it! Suggestions! Great joke!!
(Laughs)
That’s a good one!
LIONCEL
(Completely embarrassed he forces a laugh
A joke, of course, a joke!
FOREMAN
Well, Mr. Lioncel, do you want something else from me? If I don’t keep an eye on those ‘black’, all hell breaks loose!
LIONCEL
No, thanks! Francisc, just a thing! Tell Isaura to come to me!
FOREMAN
(Holding a silly smile)
Right, Mr. Lioncel! I’ll send her in.
(Leaving)
Whip it good, my Colonel!
(THE FOREMAN leaves the stage. LIONCEL holds his whip, looking at in awe he decides for more training.)
LIONCEL
Work, black...
(Tries again)
Work, black scumbag...
(LIONCEL is about to try one more time when ISAURA rushes into the room and falls to the floor as if pushed in.)
ISAURA
(Protecting herself from a possible whipping)
No, master, don’t chastise me! Have mercy!
LIONCEL
(Startled let go of his whip, and tries to apologize)
Please! Don’t get me wrong! I do not intend to punish you.
ISAURA
Won’t you whip me?
LIONCEL
No!
ISAURA
How come? You must! You must punish me!
LIONCEL
Why would I do such a thing to a beautiful delicate youth?
ISAURA
Why? Because I’m a rebellious slave, who don’t take any orders and is always trying to escape! That’s why!
LIONCEL
Truly, I thought of having a chat with you.
ISAURA
A chat?
(Thinking to herself)
Oh, I see it now.
(Throwing herself to the floor)
No, I’ve never talked to you before! I hate you! You're evil! You’re a pervert! You’ll have to tie me up to a tree trunk, rip my clothes off…
(Tearing a piece of her gown)
And then whip my back!
LIONCEL
(Approaches ISAURA and shyly holds her by the shoulders)
Isaura, please, listen to me!
ISAURA
(ISAURA starts to sway from side to side as if shaken by LIONCEL)
No! I won’t listen to your obscenities!
LIONCEL
Isaura, please!
ISAURA
You must beat me before that!
LIONCEL
(Losing his patience)
Isaura...
ISAURA
No! No! If you want something out of me, you gotta hit me first!
LIONCEL
Isaura...
(LIONCEL loses it and gives her a slight slap on the face)
ISAURA
Oh!
LIONCEL
(Constrained)
Isaura, I didn’t mean to...
ISAURA
Is that your idea of a slapping?
(Takes a deep look at LIONCEL and then stomps hard on his foot)
Hit me harder!
(Startled, LIONCEL does what she asks. She falls to the floor.)
ISAURA
Ouch!
(ISAURA touches her face expressing her dislike)
ISAURA
Uhm!
LIONCEL
Why did you do that? There was no need to stomp my foot!
ISAURA
You mistreat me, hit me, and dare complain about a stomp on your foot? You are mean!
LIONCEL
I’m not evil!
ISAURA
(With a nasty look on her face)
Yes, you are!
LIONCEL
Isaura, listen to me!
(Feeling shy about talking to ISAURA, LIONCEL rubs his hands against each other and snaps his fingers.)
My parents are dead, you know. I’m all by myself to manage this whole mill. I’m about to become thirty soon and…
ISAURA
It’s all clear now! You want to abuse me, a poor defenseless white slave at her tender age, with a child’s face upon a woman’s body!
LIONCEL
No, that’s not that!
ISAURA
Don’t you think I’m pretty? Don’t you like my body?
LIONCEL
On the contrary! You have an astonishing body, I...
ISAURA
You are dribbling to tear my clothes off, take me in your arms, lay me on the floor, and make me a woman, aren’t you? But I won’t let you! I may be a slave, but I’m untouched! You must have me by force!
(Starts rolling on the floor)
You’ll have to drag me, and beat me, if you want to have me!
LIONCEL
Wait, you don't understand!
ISAURA
No, I understand! I’m no dumb! You’re the master and you think you can do whatever you please! Go ahead, hit me, have me, throw me against a wall, and call me a lizard! You can have my body, but you’ll never have my soul!
LIONCEL
Isaura, I want to marry you!
ISAURA
Never, I am already ta... (Stops in disbelief) What?
LIONCEL
Isaura, I was wondering... I like you! We could marry and have children!
ISAURA
Are you out of your mind? You can’t marry me! I’m a slave and you are the master, the owner of the mill! It would never work! Besides, marrying at my age; I’m twenty years old with a whole life ahead of me, a career to fight for... I want to attend college, visit Disneyland…
LIONCEL
I will shower you with affection!
ISAURA
I am a slave and better showered with whippings!
LIONCEL
Think, Isaura. You won’t have to live in a shack, like an animal among all the dirt, the heat, dressed up in rags and sleeping on the floor crammed between those strong-sweaty-working black men. That’s horrible!
ISAURA
Well...
LIONCEL
Will you marry me?
ISAURA
I? I can’t! What would people say? My fellow slaves would call me a traitor; the royalty would curse me, calling me a wannabe! And what will our children be, half-slaves?
LIONCEL
Nonsense, Isaura! I’ll free you! Our children will be free! By the way, I’ll have all slaves freed!
ISAURA
Are you nuts? Are you freeing all blacks? They’ve been slaves their whole lives. They know nothing else! How would they survive?
LIONCEL
They can find their own jobs, work!
ISAURA
Jobs? Work? Do you think my people would like that? Were y
ou never told? We work at the crack of the whip!
LIONCEL
Oh, my God! Is everything I think of wrong? I just long for acceptance! I just want to be a good mill master!
ISAURA
If you want to be a good master, be bad! If you want to do it right, hit me now! Slap me right in the face!
LIONCEL
You got me wrong, Isaura! I hate violence! You're like a flower to me, so delicate! You need care and love! The world needs love!
ISAURA
(Open-mouthed, she stares at LIONCEL for a moment and then shouts.)
Help! Help! Help me! Save me from this faggot!
LIONCEL
Isaura, try to understand, please!
(LIONCEL gets closer to ISAURA)
ISAURA
(Steps back)
Don’t you touch me, sissy!
(Francisc, the FOREMAN enters the stage.)
FOREMAN
What’s going on, ‘Masta’?
LIONCEL
I lost my patience with this woman, Francisc! I got to breathe some fresh air. Give’er whatever she wants!
(LIONCEL leaves)
FOREMAN
Nasty white slave!
ISAURA
Oh, Francisc! Wow, what are you gonna do with me?
FOREMAN
‘Ya’ know it, all right! Today my whip will crack!
ISAURA
(Runs away from FRANCISC)
Wow, Francisc! Oh!
(FRANCISC runs after ISAURA, who runs bouncy and cheerfully away from him.)
(SCENE ENDS)
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ABOUT THE REIGN OF ANOREXICS
The reign of anorexic top models is damaging us all! Every woman wants to be super skinny, which makes us forever six pounds above our ideal weight, and our men two meters away chasing a skinny woman; even when they are ten pounds away from being the perfect men.
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Women on the Verge of a BEACH MELTDOWN
ETHEL and SHEILA wear swimsuits with ruffles, tall large hairstyles with a lot of hairspray, fake eyelashes, etc. Each of them is seated on a beach chair.
SHEILA
Hey, Ethel! Let’s go for a swim?
ETHEL
It doesn’t make any sense, Sheila.
SHEILA
How come it makes no sense? The sun is hot, and the water looks great!
ETHEL
It’s nothing to do with that! I meant life doesn’t make any sense!
SHEILA
It doesn't?
ETHEL
No, it doesn’t.
SHEILA
Is it senseless?
ETHEL
Yeah!
SHEILA
All right! Okay, life makes no sense. Can we hit the water now?
ETHEL
How can I hit the water knowing life is senseless?
SHEILA
Well, it’s hot, so we should hit the water because it’s cold. That makes sense.
ETHEL
You don’t understand.
SHEILA
What don’t I understand?
ETHEL
How profound the problem is!
SHEILA
I understand it’s hot, and I want to cool in the water!
ETHEL
That’s not enough for me. I need a bigger motivation to go on living!
SHEILA
Couldn’t you have an existential crisis elsewhere? It’s a holiday, and we’re on the beach! No one has