The Case of the Broken Heart

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  Fred: Ministers never have any money. If they want money, they go on TV, don’t they?

  Sgt. McPhee: I suppose so. Tell me, you are a mature man. Why did you take up going to church so recently?

  Fred: I thought it might help me.

  Sgt. McPhee: What kind of help were you looking for?

  Fred: I had, well, it was personal.

  Sgt. McPhee: How did you meet the late reverend?

  Fred: At a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

  Sgt. McPhee: Are you a drug addict?

  Fred (vehemently) No!

  Sgt. McPhee: Then why were you going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting?

  Fred: It’s anonymous. Nobody knows about it or talks about it outside the meeting.

  Sgt. McPhee: Do you use drugs now?

  Fred: No! I’m clean!

  Sgt. McPhee: Can you think of a motive as to why anyone would want to kill the minister?

  Fred: No. He was a hell of a nice guy, quite a talker and real, you know, um, honest, like most people aren’t.

  Sgt. McPhee: Yes. Do you know if he was in trouble of any kind?

  Fred: Like what?

  Sgt. McPhee: Say, for instance, did he owe anyone money?

  Fred: No. How should I know? Why are you asking me all these questions? It was a heart attack, wasn’t it? I saw it myself.

  Sgt. McPhee: What’s got me puzzled is that many heart attack victims are overweight, or heavy smokers, or (looks at Fred) drug users. Or they have diabetes or some other complicating health issue. As far as we know, Reverend Billy Joe Bob was in fine health and his religion didn’t permit him to smoke or drink. He certainly wouldn’t use drugs, would he?

  Fred: No! He wouldn’t!

  Sgt. McPhee: I wouldn’t think so either. Did he have woman troubles?

  Fred: Doesn’t everybody?

  Sgt. McPhee (laughs): I guess you’re right.

  Fred. That secretary would be hard for a single guy to overlook.

  Sgt. McPhee: What’s her name?

  Fred: Suzanne.

  Sgt. McPhee: Do you think there was anything unusual going on?

  Fred: Probably nothing unusual. (Snickers) Maybe the usual.

  Sgt. McPhee: I see. Well, we expect to get the coroner’s report pretty soon. Would you mind if I called you again if I have any more questions?

  Fred: No, yes. I mean, I guess so. Just don’t call me at home. Call me at work.

  Sgt. McPhee: You have a job?

  Fred (angrily): Yes I have a job! Ever since I joined the church!

  Sgt. McPhee (picks up pen): What’s the number?

  Fred: Colson’s Auto Wrecking. It’s 2,4,5, uh, let me see, I don’t call myself much, 2,4,5, 3,1,6,3.

  Sgt. McPhee: Alright. Thanks for coming down. I’ll call you if I need you.

  Fred (rises): I hope you won’t have to.

  Sgt. McPhee: We hope not.

  (Fred exists stage right. Lights dim and come up. Marguerite Kerr enters from stage right).

  Sgt. McPhee: Mrs. Kerr?

  Marguerite: Call me Marguerite.

  Sgt. McPhee: I’m Sergeant Brian McPhee. Please have a seat.

  Marguerite: What would you like to see me about? (Looks around). I’ve never been inside a police station before. (Sits very slowly).

  Sgt. McPhee: We’re investigating the death of your minister, Billy Joe Bob.

  Marguerite: Really! Why would the RCMP do that? He had a heart attack. It was terrible. And he was so young too.

  Sgt. McPhee: That’s what bothers me. He had not history of heart problems but everyone swears it was a heart attack. He didn’t smoke, drink or take drugs or chase after people he shouldn’t.

  Marguerite (tries to look shocked): I should say not!

  Sgt. McPhee: Then what happened?

  Marguerite: Isn’t there going to be an inquest or something?

  Sgt. McPhee: Probably. That’s why I have to get some facts first.

  Marguerite: He was right in the middle of a sermon about, well, anyway, it was just what we needed to hear, when suddenly, he just, you know. It was such a shock.

  Sgt. McPhee: Yes, I understand how you must feel. Just in case it wasn’t a heart attack, do you have any idea how he might have died?

  Marguerite: No! I’m not a medical examiner. How should I know? But it certainly looked like a heart attack.

  Sgt. McPhee: Why was that?

  Marguerite: He grabbed his heart (she grabs her chest) and said “Ohh!” It was awful! What a thing to happen!

  Sgt. McPhee: Can you think of anyone who would benefit from the minister’s death?

  Marguerite: No. No one.

  Sgt. McPhee: Did he have any enemies?

  Marguerite: Billy Joe Bob? He was one of the finest men in the district. De did so much good.

  Sgt. McPhee: Were there any scandals in the church?

  Marguerite: I should say not! Why are you asking me that?

  Sgt. McPhee: You saw the death. We don’t want to overlook any possibilities.

  Marguerite: Surely you don’t think I had anything to do with-

  Sgt. McPhee: One of the first rules of police work is not to make assumptions. I thought with your position in the church, you might be able to keep your ears and eyes open from the inside and perhaps give us some help in the future.

  Marguerite: There is one thing at church that bothers me, Sergeant.

  Sgt. McPhee: Yes?

  Marguerite: There is a new member, Fred. I think his name’s Fred Holland. I believe he has a somewhat questionable past.

  Sgt. McPhee: The man who works at Colson’s Auto Wrecking?

  Marguerite: Works? That’s the first I’ve heard about it!

  Sgt. McPhee: What worries you about him?

  Marguerite: I think he was in a drug treatment program of some kind.

  Sgt. McPhee: That’s pretty common today, unfortunately.

  Marguerite: It’s none of my business and perhaps I shouldn’t say this, but I still think he’s mixed up in this drug business somehow. Aren’t the drug pushers always involved in killings? Nothing like this ever happened before he came along.

  Sgt. McPhee: Now you see, that’s the kind of thing the RCMP could never find out alone. That’s why I need your help.

  Marguerite: Naturally, I’ll help any way I can.

  Sgt. McPhee (stands): Don’t be too obvious but please let us know if you ear anything that might be useful.

  Marguerite (stands): Yes, of course. Do you need me any more today?

  Sgt. McPhee: No. Thanks for coming in Mrs. Kerr.

  Marguerite: You’re most welcome. (She gives a hint of a curtsey, and exits stage right. Lights dim and come up. Jim enters from stage right with Corporal Winsby).

  Winsby: Mr. Cochrane is here to see you sir.

  Sgt. McPhee: Thank you Winsby. Have a seat Mr. Cochrane.

  Jim: Can you tell me what this is about? I haven’t run over anyone that I know of.

  Sgt. McPhee: This is more serious. Please sit down. (Jim sits). We are investigating the possibility of a murder.

  Jim: Murder? Who?

  Sgt. McPhee: Reverend Billy Joe Bob. Did you know him?

  Jim: Slightly.

  Sgt. McPhee: Do you belong to the Church of God Almighty, Independent and Reformed, I think it is?

  Jim: I don’t have time for that nonsense.

  Sgt. McPhee: Then how do you know Billy Joe Bob?

  Jim: I’m in business. The more people I know the better.

  Sgt. McPhee: Did you have any business dealings with Billy Joe Bob?

  Jim: We talked about it.

  Sgt. McPhee: When did you find out he was going to take advantage of you?

  Jim: What?

  Sgt. McPhee: Wasn’t he trying to sell you some land?

  Jim: That was one of the things we talked about it.

  Sgt. McPhee: How much was he asking for it?

  Jim: Three hundred thousand. That’s not bad considering the location.

  Sg
t. McPhee: Did he own it?

  Jim: No. I don’t think he owned anything.

  Sgt. McPhee: How was he going to sell it if he didn’t own it?

  Jim: There was nothing definite but I lost interest when I found out what he was upto.

  Sgt. McPhee: What was that?

  Jim: You seem to know a lot already. What do you know?

  Sgt. McPhee: Just that there was some talk of building a new church and possibly buying some land from a member of the congregation.

  Jim: He told them he was going to build a new church. He was trying to get one of his people to sell it to him at under two hundred thousand. Then he was going to flip it to me for an extra hundred grand! What kind of minister is that?

  Sgt. McPhee: Could be a rich one. Why couldn’t you buy it direct from the present owner?

  Jim: That’s what I was thinking myself. The preacher said he could get it re-zoned. That was the problem. As it was we couldn’t use it for anything but pasture.

  Sgt. McPhee: Did he have some political connections?

  Jim: He claimed he did. Some guy he went to Bible college with. Could have been just another line of bull. Anyway, I won’t be buying anything from him now, and neither will anyone else. I just read about it in the paper.

  Sgt. McPhee: Yes, it was sudden.

  Jim: So why is the RCP interested?

  Sgt. McPhee: Everyone in the congregation who was there is convinced it was a heart attack. We aren’t so sure.

  Jim: I wasn’t there. What do you guys think happened?

  Sgt. McPhee: There’s nothing official at this point but there is always the possibility of murder.

  Jim: Murder! What for?

  Sgt. McPhee: That’s what we’re trying to find out. Do you know anything else about his business dealings?

  Jim: No one is supposed to know this but I’m on the board of the credit union and I know they were missing some money. Cheques were bouncing.

  Sgt. McPhee: Really! How interesting!

  Jim (stands): I shouldn’t have said anything. You can check it out for yourself.

  Sgt. McPhee: We will. Thank you and thanks for coming in. (Stands they shake hands). I’ll let we know if we need your help again.

  Jim: Not too often. I don’t like to get mixed up in stuff like this. Leave