Our Gravity

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Bryce struggled against the terror threatening to take his legs out from under him that morning as they prepared to drive to the hospital.

  How am I supposed to take care of a baby?

  Sure, he’d wanted to be a father, but now feeling utterly useless in the face of Death’s slow and steady onslaught, he doubted everything about himself.

  If it wasn’t for Dustin’s quiet, calm, rock-steady presence, Bryce knew he’d be a sniveling mess right now.

  This was…the start.

  The start of a new chapter in their lives, and the start of the final chapter of Kira’s.

  Kate and Steve were going to meet them at the hospital. As Dustin quietly took pictures and videos all morning, in between making sure everything was ready to load in the car and forcing Bryce to eat something, Bryce knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Dustin.

  Without a doubt.

  Bryce let Dustin drive. He was too fucking nervous and worried he’d get them in an accident. Dustin was…no shit, his literal rock.

  I couldn’t do this without him and wouldn’t want to try.

  They checked in. Bryce had to sign the forms for Kira since she couldn’t hold a pen any longer. Then they were shown to a waiting room while the delivery team assembled. Bryce stared at the matching plastic ID bracelets he, Dustin, and Kira wore. Jenny would get one after she was born.

  The first stage of becoming a father made…real.

  Then they were all, including Steve and Kate, taken back to a small consulting room where Dr. Salsburg, the obstetrician, went through everything with them one last time. Dr. Murphy, the oncologist, also sat in and listened, but didn’t have much to contribute at that time beyond wanting to be a part of the process.

  They would even have two extra nursing assistants in the room to help with taking pictures and any logistics issues. Everyone understood Kira’s condition and knew this wasn’t a normal delivery, and they were proceeding accordingly.

  The nurse coordinating everything in the delivery room wore a kind, practiced smile. “Mom is obvious.” She pointed at Dustin. “Dad?”

  “Dad,” Bryce confirmed before Dustin could reply or contradict him, then added, “Papi,” pointing at himself. “I’m not really a ‘Pop’ kinda guy.”

  Kira chuckled. “Dude, I sooo want to call you ‘Pop’ now.”

  Finally, it was time for them to prep Kira and give her the epidural and start an IV. She was taken into another area while Bryce and Dustin were shown how to scrub in, and were given gowns and caps and surgical masks and everything.

  This is really happening.

  As they waited for someone to tell them where to go next, Bryce looked up into Dustin’s eyes, the only part of his face visible between the mask and the cap.

  “I love you,” Bryce whispered. “Please marry me.”

  Why had he waited to ask him? He didn’t know. All he knew was the possibility of this man not being in his life, for the rest of his life, ripped his already tattered heart to shreds.

  Dustin leaned in and touched his forehead to Bryce’s. “Yes. And I love you, too, Master.”

  Relief so powerful he almost cried flowed through him upon hearing that title. “I mean…” He swallowed hard. “I mean…after. I mean—”

  “It’s okay, B. I know what you meant.” He reached up and cupped Bryce’s cheek. “We can talk about that later. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

  He laid his hand over Dustin’s and squeezed hard, afraid to let go for fear of finding this was a dream and he was alone and waiting and Kira was going to die anyway.

  But no, Dustin was here, with him, steady and sure and unwavering.

  The door opened and one of the nursing assistants waved them into the delivery room.

  Bryce and Dustin crowded around Kira’s head, each one taking a hand, Bryce on her left and Dustin on her right. They handed off their phones to the CNAs and one started taking video, the other still pictures.

  “I’m scared, B.”

  “It’s okay, sweetie. They got it under control. She’s old enough. She’s going to be fine.”

  “Please don’t leave me.”

  “I won’t, honey. I promise.”

  Meanwhile…yeah. Broken heart in progress, one day at a time.

  * * * *

  Dustin was still trying to process that Bryce had labelled him “Dad” when Bryce had popped the question.

  It was like two doors lay ahead of him, and he had to choose one, and whichever one he chose, there was no going back.

  He could choose to leave Bryce, or he could choose to stay.

  All the while, behind him, the path was closing in on him, forcing him to decide once and for all. Up until now, he’d been able to hold the future back as a nebulous “what if” that didn’t need to be addressed yet.

  Despite the terror flowing through him, he knew he needed to choose the door that kept him walking at Bryce’s side for life.

  There really wasn’t another choice but that one. Not now.

  Maybe there never had been, from that first night at the munch, when Bryce’s gravity had started dragging him into orbit around him, just like Kira said.

  No, he didn’t want to escape.

  There was a drape between them and the doctor and nurses below taking care of bringing Jenny into the world. So Dustin focused on Kira, on Bryce, on stroking her head through the cap she wore and holding her hand. They’d had to pump additional painkillers into her when the epidural didn’t fully take care of her, and they’d started talking about possibly putting her under when it had all kicked in at once and the surgeon could begin.

  It seemed to last a lifetime of seconds. Then Jenny’s cry filled the room, followed by the doctor’s voice.

  “Congratulations, gentlemen,” Dr. Salsburg said. “You have a beautiful daughter.”

  Kira started sobbing as Bryce leaned in close, whispering to her.

  “Who wants to cut the cord?” Dr. Salsburg asked.

  Bryce’s blue eyes peered over the top of his surgical mask and nailed Dustin. “Cut the cord, Daddy,” he softly said.

  “Me?”

  Bryce nodded. “You.”

  The doctor was waiting. Hand trembling, Dustin reached out and took the surgical scissors and made the cut where they showed him, fully aware Bryce was watching every move he made.

  “Is she okay?” Dustin asked.

  “She’s beautiful,” the nurse said, and they took him and Jennifer over to a waiting warmer bed on the other side of the room, where they started to clean her up.

  “Is…her color. Is that…normal?”

  Another nurse, he could tell she was smiling from the way her eyes crinkled at the outside corners above her mask. “She’s perfectly healthy, Daddy. We’ll get her cleaned up and you’ll be able to take her over to Mommy and Papi.”

  He swallowed hard, feeling useless, wondering how the hell they were stupid enough to entrust something so tiny and fragile to him?

  Dustin was aware of the two CNAs taking video and pictures as they placed Jenny into his arms a few minutes later—yes, she looked more like a normal baby—and guided him around the table to Bryce and Kira.

  Kira started crying again. “Hey, sweetheart.” Bryce lifted her hand to the baby’s hand. “Open your eyes, Jenny. Say hello to Mommy and Papi.”

  She did then. Her brown eyes looked like Kira’s, and it broke Dustin’s heart even more.

  “Let’s get you all into another room so Grandma and Grandpa can come say hi,” the lead nurse said. “One of you can stay here with Mom. They’ll get Mom taken care of in here, and you can all regroup shortly in recovery. We’ll let you all in there with her.”

  “I’ll stay,” Bryce said. “Go introduce her to Grandma and Grandpa.”

  “Okay.” He kissed Bryce—which was more a press of mask to mask—then leaned in to kiss Kira’s forehead. “We’ll see you shortly.”

  Steve and Kate both bur
st into tears when he walked through the door with Jenny in his arms. They’d equipped them with gowns and Dustin was shocked to realize he was hesitant to let Jenny go, to hand her over so they could hold her.

  “How’s Kira?” Kate asked as Dustin finally let her take Jenny from him.

  He was glad to finally rid himself of the surgical mask and the cap. “She’s awake and talking. Bryce is with her. They said they’ll finish in there and bring us all into the recovery area with her. They’ve all been fantastic.”

  Steve nodded, wiping away tears as he stroked one of Jenny’s hands with his finger. “Honey, I know you said you didn’t want to move again and would rather divorce me first, but I gotta tell you, I think I’m either going to ask for a transfer back to Florida, or find a new job here. Sooo…we might need to get divorced if you don’t want to come back.” He punctuated his comment with a tearful laugh.

  Nodding, she laughed with him. “Yeah, I was trying to figure out how to tell you I wanted to move before a moving truck shows up, or if I should just wait and leave you a note to follow me when you came home to an empty house.”

  They’d already prepared a corner area in the recovery room, usually an area that would hold two beds, the whole section curtained off for them and with a glider chair and stool ready for them. Dustin let Kate carry Jenny as the nurse guided them back, bringing the rolling bassinet with her. “We’ve got a bottle, ready, too,” she told them.

  Kate turned to Dustin. “You should feed her.”

  “What?” He took the baby as she handed her over.

  She pointed at the chair. “Sit, Daddy.” She kissed his cheek. “Let them show you what to do.”

  He did, the nurse draping a small cloth over his shoulder and handing him the bottle. She explained how to hold it, how to feed her, the signs to look for when she was done.

  It was too much for him to take, and his emotions finally boiled over. Dustin shed the tears he’d done his best to hold back all morning as Jenny fed, and he tried to wipe his eyes against his shoulders and didn’t even care who saw him snot-sobbing.

  Kate reached over with a tissue and wiped his tears away, her other hand on his shoulder. “See, Daddy? You’re a natural.” She patted his shoulder. “You’re a dad now. You have to learn how to do all of this. We’re not going to be around to help at first.”

  “Oh, my god, I’m a dad!” he whispered.

  Steve laughed even as he sniffled back tears of his own. “Yeah, it never stops scaring the shit out of you to say it, either. Not even when they’re in their twenties.”

  They wheeled Kira in a few minutes later, Bryce trailing behind them. Steve and Kate focused on Kira, talking to her.

  Seeing Dustin sitting there, Bryce smiled as he pulled off the surgical mask. He walked over and knelt next to the chair so he could kiss Jenny’s head, and then kiss Dustin.

  “How’s she doing, Daddy?”

  Dustin choked back more tears. “I’m a dad! Can you believe it? I’m a dad!”

  Bryce smiled, reached up, and ran his hand through Dustin’s hair. “Yeah, you are, buddy.” Bryce’s blue gaze held him captive, calmed him. “We’ve got a beautiful daughter.” His hand slid down the back of Dustin’s head, cupping the nape of his neck, gently squeezing in a way Dustin couldn’t mistake for anything but his Master taking control. “And you’re going to be an awesome dad.”

  “Oh, my god, she’s going to want to date!”

  Bryce’s thumb stroked Dustin’s jaw. “I’ll take care of any guys who come sniffing around, don’t worry. You’ll be the softy, I’ll be the disciplinarian.” Bryce winked.

  “Do you want to hold her?”

  “In a little while. You’re doing fine. Let her eat.” He kissed him again before standing up and returning his focus to Kira, who, now that the nurses had her settled, was dozing off from all the pain meds they’d given her. That according to the nurse in charge of her for her recovery period, as she explained it to Bryce, Steve, and Kate.

  The nurses finally took Jenny from Dustin so they could check her vital signs again. Then they let him change her diaper before bundling her up and tucking her into the bassinet. It was about an hour later after mom and baby, with their entourage in tow, were moved to a private hospital room in the maternity wing, when Bryce finally picked up the baby and held her. She’d fallen asleep after eating and giving Dustin a tiny burp, and had slept through having her diaper changed.

  She remained asleep now as Bryce stood next to Kira’s bed and rocked the baby in his arms as he softly sang Banana Pancakes to her.

  It took everything Dustin had not to break down sobbing as he watched him with her. He realized Steve was taking video of them with Dustin’s phone. Hell, he’d forgotten about the phones. Thank god for the extra help they’d given them. At least someone had remembered to pass them off, because pictures had been the last thing on Dustin’s mind once Jenny was in his arms.

  The peaceful, serene smile on Bryce’s face marked a perfection Dustin knew would be short-lived. He wished he could freeze this moment for all of them. Wished he had the words to adequately explain it to Jenny later—when she would be old enough to understand—how Kira had worn a sleepy smile as she watched Bryce sing and rock Jenny.

  How could he have ever even considered walking away from Bryce after Kira died?

  Never.

  He couldn’t.

  He was a dad now—Jenny’s dad. He didn’t understand what magic switch had flipped inside him, but he knew he’d die to protect her. He also hadn’t realized it was possible to be so deeply in love with a man that it felt nearly physically painful. He could already see Bryce, a week from now, a month, a year, five or ten or twenty. He could see this man he loved, a natural dad, who Jenny would grow up calling Papi and knowing he was her father, too. Could see him holding her, singing her lullabies, spooning food into her mouth, brushing her hair before school—standing shoulder to shoulder with him as they tried to put the fear of god into any boy she brought home to meet them.

  Giving her away at her wedding.

  Hopefully one day standing there holding their grandchildren.

  This damn man buried in his soul and heart and head, whose orbit he never wanted to break free from.

  His man.

  A man who it was impossible to make happy right now because of the circumstances, but who, maybe, for this precious pocket of time, was as close to happy as was possible.

  Bryce gently placed Jenny on the bed next to Kira. Kira’s muscles were too weak, her grip too uncoordinated to risk holding her. But Bryce stayed right there, one hand on the baby and keeping her securely tucked against Kira’s side.

  Kate leaned in to whisper in Dustin’s ear. “I swear to god if anyone tells Shawn about this baby, I will kill them myself.”

  “Not going to happen. Besides, he didn’t want a baby. That’s the other reason she broke up with him. Because during their final fight, before he shoved her, she’d been trying to nail him down about their future and he flat-out told her he didn’t want kids. That if she got pregnant, she’d get an abortion whether she wanted one or not, because he wasn’t paying for any kids. Little did she know she was already pregnant.”

  He knew Kira hadn’t told them all of that before, afraid they might want to confront Shawn and accidentally reveal Jenny’s existence. She’d asked them to trust her that she had her reasons for leaving Shawn and not telling him she was pregnant. Now, Dustin knew they wouldn’t contact Shawn.

  “Jeezus,” Kate whispered. “I knew I hated that sonofabitch for a good reason.”

  “I’m glad I never got to meet him.”

  “I hope no one’s stupid enough to mention Jenny to Shawn’s parents.”

  “They won’t. Kira only told the people she knew she could trust, and told them not to say a word, and why. And there were damn few of them, anyway, because she didn’t tell anyone who was friends with Shawn. Made sure they all knew he didn’t want kids, and what he did and said to her. And
his feelings on kids weren’t a secret, either, apparently, because he’d said that before. Just never said it so angrily or so…detailed before. He was emphatic that she’d get no choice in the matter.”

  “Too bad he wasn’t swallowed or caught in a condom,” she snarked.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Bryce’s parents drove down from Tallahassee and arrived early that evening. Bryce walked down to the hospital’s lobby to meet them and get them visitor’s passes and lead them back. Kira had faded in and out of consciousness all afternoon, exhausted and in pain and barely able to keep her eyes open.

  Dustin didn’t know them very well, but Bryce’s parents seemed like nice people. They asked Dustin if he wanted to go to dinner with them and Kira’s parents and Bryce.

  His gaze fell on Jenny, currently sleeping in her bassinet, and the plastic bracelet on his wrist that matched the ones on Kira, Bryce, and Jenny.

  “No. I’m good.” He’d eaten a big lunch only a couple of hours ago when he’d brought back food for him and Bryce from the cafeteria.

  Bryce hugged him. “You all right?”

  “Yeah. I just…I’m sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m going to curl up in that recliner chair and sleep. Why don’t you go home after, huh? You didn’t sleep last night, either.”

  Bryce studied him for a long moment. “You sure?”

  “Yeah. I got everything I need.” The original plan had been for them both to stay over, but that was silly. Kira would sleep most of the night, and at least one of them should get some decent sleep tonight. He knew Bryce had barely slept the night before.

  Bryce finally nodded. “Okay. Love you.”

  “Love you, too, Papi.”

  Bryce smiled. “Gonna take a while to get used to that, Daddy.”

  Dustin rested his forehead against Bryce’s. “I’ll watch her. You go. It’s okay.”

  Bryce kissed him, long and sweetly and full of love, before following his parents and Kira’s out of the room.

  Dustin prayed she didn’t die tonight, with Bryce not present, knowing he’d likely never forgive himself if that happened. But Dustin watched the rise and fall of her chest, and they kept leads on her to monitor her vital signs, and the IV stayed in place, keeping her hydrated. A catheter meant she didn’t have to get out of bed, less stress on her body, less pain for her.