Our Gravity

  Her oncologist recommended keeping her in the hospital for at least four days in her current condition. That if she seemed to be stable after that point, they could take her home again.

  Another fear of Dustin’s allayed, that she’d be discharged straight to hospice care.

  “Why didn’t you go?”

  He almost didn’t register it was Kira talking to him, until he turned and saw her staring at him.

  He walked over to her. “Hey, sleepyhead. How you feelin’?”

  “Like someone sliced my guts open and pulled a baby out of me.” She offered a lopsided smile. “You can go with them. I’ll be okay.”

  He slipped a finger into her hand. “Squeeze that for me.” He held her gaze.

  Her fingers closed around him, but she couldn’t squeeze.

  “That’s what I thought,” he gently said. “You can’t even press a call button if you need help, or if the baby cries.”

  Tears rolled down her face. “Will I get to go home?”

  He dropped the bedrail and carefully climbed in to hold her. “Yes, sweetheart. We’re taking you home.”

  With the TV on and the lights off, it didn’t take long for her to fall asleep. Once she had, he carefully climbed out and moved to the recliner next to her bed, Jenny’s bassinet right next to him on his other side.

  He didn’t realize he’d dozed off until a nurse awakened him. “We need to take her to radiology. Oncology wants a CT scan.”

  “She didn’t want any more scans.”

  “They want a comparison.”

  “It’s okay,” Kira said, now awake.

  He leaned in. “Are you sure?”

  She nodded. “I’m not pregnant now. I don’t want a lot more, but it’s been several months. It might…” She took a deep breath. “How long, you know?”

  “Want me to go with you?”

  “No, stay here with Jenny.”

  “Okay.”

  He helped the nurse unhook the monitor leads from the wall unit. She had a portable one to take with them. A couple of minutes later, she was wheeling the bed out of the room and that left Dustin with the baby.

  He walked over to her. Sound asleep and gorgeous. “Jennifer Bryn Butler,” he softly said. “I wonder if you have any idea how much we love you?”

  * * * *

  After dinner and calling Dustin to check on Kira and Jenny, Bryce went home. It was better he go home, because he wasn’t sure he could keep from crying in front of her right now. Even Archer acted subdued, leaving Bryce alone after nothing more than an affectionate head bump.

  The quiet in the house made his soul ache.

  The empty hospital bed a grim foreshadowing.

  Too close to a preview, in some ways.

  Not just Kira, but Dustin was fifteen years older than him. It really hadn’t hit home until now that there were inevitable probabilities involved with that age differential.

  Probabilities he didn’t want to think about.

  Especially not tonight.

  He walked into the kitchen and got a large glass. After dumping some ice in it, he filled it over three quarters with rum, then topped it off with a little cola, stirred, and downed it. From there he headed for the bathroom, so he could cry in the shower.

  Sob.

  In a way he didn’t dare do around Kira now. She’d want to comfort him when it was his job to be the strong one. She was counting on him.

  He’d have time enough to cry later, to bury his head in Dustin’s lap and let his love soothe him.

  Later.

  A luxury Kira really didn’t have any longer.

  He sank to the shower floor, wrapped his arms around his knees, and leaned against the wall as he struggled to wrap his heart and soul around the fact that his best friend, someone he’d honestly seen himself growing old with in some way or another, was going to be dead within a couple of months.

  At the most.

  Likely sooner.

  It didn’t feel real.

  It sucked that his dream guy and dream baby and dream house and dream job all came true, and all Kira got was his tears and some pictures and video for her daughter to remember her by.

  It sucked.

  It wasn’t fair.

  It hurt.

  A soul-deep ache he knew he’d carry all his life, every time he looked into his daughter’s eyes and saw Kira there, or heard Kira in the lilt in Jenny’s laughter, the tip of her head.

  A part of Kira would walk through his life in Jenny’s footprints, and in his heart and memories.

  On top of all of that, part of him wanted to go to Dallas and punch Shawn’s lights out for taking her away from him for several years and costing him that time with her.

  Except…he wouldn’t have Jenny.

  How am I supposed to go on without my best friend?

  * * * *

  Dustin stood immediately when they wheeled Kira back in. He could tell she was awake, even though her eyes were closed, from the pinched look around her eyes and the way she held her hands balled into fists.

  “Hey, sweetie. You didn’t get any speeding tickets in this contraption, did you?”

  She softly laughed and finally opened her eyes to look at him. The nurse was still transferring all her monitor leads over to the bedside monitors.

  He did notice she now had an oxygen cannula that she hadn’t left with, and a small tank of it under the bed. The nurse transferred the tube to the valve in the wall, behind the bed, and caught Dustin watching her.

  “Her O2 levels dipped when we transferred her from the bed to the CT scanner. Probably just from pain and exhaustion. It’s a precaution.”

  He nodded, but the nurse’s smile didn’t look quite right.

  “What’d the scans show?”

  Still that not-right smile. “Dr. Murphy will come talk to you in a little while after he finishes reading them.”

  “Awfully late for him to still be on-site, isn’t it?” It was nearly eleven.

  He wished she’d drop the smile. It was almost worse. “He asked to be kept apprised when we got the scans done.”

  Once the nurse finished and left the room, Dustin repositioned the recliner next to her bed and dropped the bedrail so he could more easily hold her hand. He moved the bassinet next to the recliner, so he could reach Jenny with that hand if she stirred.

  “Whatcha thinkin’?” Kira quietly asked.

  He resisted the urge to force a smile of his own. “Kind of unusual. Him hanging around this late.”

  She sighed. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

  “What do you know?”

  “From the way they had me laying on the scanner bed, I could see the techs and the nurse studying the screen. The nurse’s eyes went really big, and her jaw literally dropped open. She’d make a horrible poker player.”

  “Okay.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Should I call Bryce?”

  “No. He’s probably drunk by now, and I don’t want him trying to get back here like that.”

  “Drunk?”

  “You know he doesn’t drink very much. But…” She needed a moment to collect her thoughts. “The worst times, he uses it to be able to let go when he can’t any other way. He can’t let go with you right now because you’re not home. I’ve been watching him. He doesn’t like to cry in front of me anymore. Not since the night he fell asleep in bed with me. He thinks he has to be the strong one.”

  Would he ever know Bryce the way she did?

  “You’re not going to leave him,” she added. Calm, sweet certainty. “Ever. You can’t. I know you were thinking after I died you’d get him through it and then leave, but you won’t.”

  A little shame washed through him. “No, I won’t leave him. How did you know I even thought that?”

  “I could sometimes see the way you’d hesitate when B talked about future stuff. The way you looked sad, but you’d smile or agree or whatever. But you’re in orbit now. There’s no escape velocity strong enough, except what I
’m going through, to break free of his gravity.” She smiled. “Settle in and enjoy the ride, Daddy. When did it finally hit you?”

  He wouldn’t lie and deny it. Wouldn’t insult her intelligence like that. He knew in this conversation that she would completely hold his confidence.

  “He proposed to me just before they brought us in to you in the delivery room. And then when I cut the cord and realized she was really here, and she was so tiny and so beautiful and perfect. And I’m terrified, too.”

  “Hey, congratulations.” She made the gesture that passed for squeezing his hand. “I know you’re scared. It’s okay to be terrified. That’s normal. Especially right now. B’s terrified, too.”

  “He doesn’t look like it.”

  “He’s better at hiding it. It’s another reason he didn’t fight you about staying with me tonight. He’s scared maybe you’ll leave. He probably thinks the longer you spend with her, the less likely you are to abandon them.”

  That…would be totally Bryce.

  “I won’t leave. I can’t. Never. Not now. I get it now. And I love him. And her. And even you, sweetie.”

  Tears filled her eyes. “Thank you for loving them.”

  He gently brushed her tears away and kissed her forehead. Then the door opened, Dr. Murphy walking in and closing it behind him.

  From his sad smile, Dustin knew.

  No miracles.

  No mysterious medical reprieve from nowhere.

  No hope.

  He’d changed clothes since they’d seen him earlier in the day. He now wore jeans and a Tampa Bay Lightning T-shirt and his hospital ID badge was clipped to a front belt loop. He carried a tablet in his hand and walked around the bed to sit on the end, on the side Dustin was on.

  “Don’t sugar-coat it, doc,” Kira joked. “Will I ever play the piano again?”

  He smiled, for real this time, before it faded. “I’m so sorry, guys. I wish I came bearing good news.”

  “Can we stop with the scans now?” she asked.

  He nodded. “Yeah.”

  “I want to see.”

  He pulled it up on the tablet and showed her. Dustin didn’t want to look, but he couldn’t stop himself. Not only had the existing tumors grown in noticeable size from before, there were two more that had formed and looked large, to his untrained eyes.

  “Any idea?” she asked.

  “I know your fine motor skills are rapidly deteriorating, and you said the headaches are worse.”

  She nodded.

  “It would probably be time to start firming up your final plans, if you haven’t already.” He switched off the tablet. “Discuss things like feeding tubes and hydration.”

  “None of the above.” She smiled. “I told you, when I get to that point, just let me go. Still didn’t give me a timeframe.”

  “I sincerely doubt it’ll be longer than six weeks. I’m honestly shocked you can still talk. Based on the growth rate we’ve seen in your existing tumors, and that there are two new ones, I suspect we’re looking at maybe a couple of weeks before you lose higher functions. If you want me to coordinate with your hospice care team about pain management, let my office know. We can…” He hesitated. “We can keep you comfortable, at the end.”

  She nodded. “Help push me over the edge faster, she asks hopefully?”

  His head drooped and he shook it a few times as he chuckled. “I’m sorry we met under these circumstances,” he said. “I’m sure you’re the kind of person who keeps people in stitches.”

  “I can be. That’s a polite way of saying I’m a ball-buster. Truth time, though. What, three days, give or take, once I refuse food and hydration?”

  “I’ve seen people hang on as long as two weeks after that point. It’s rare, but it happens.”

  She sucked in a breath. “Wow. That…sucks.”

  “Not usually conscious during that whole time, at least. Harder on the families than on the patient.”

  “Yeah, I’d guess so.” Her gaze focused on Dustin. “Make sure when we hit that point no one tries to give me any fluids. Not even those stupid mouth swab things.”

  “Well, that might make administering painkillers problematic,” Dr. Murphy said. “It’s easiest done via IV, to keep it at a constant level in your system.”

  She sighed. “So, other than pain management, we’re basically set then. Right?”

  He nodded. “All I can do for you now is wish you well and write orders for painkillers.”

  “I really appreciate your honesty, doc. Thank you for not trying to jerk me around all this time and for respecting my wishes.”

  “You came in knowing the facts and the odds and you weren’t looking for a miracle. I’m not sure, even if you hadn’t been pregnant, that I wouldn’t have taken the same approach with you. I, personally, have treated several hundred patients in my career with this diagnosis. Not one of them lasted longer than thirty-six months by the time I first saw them in my practice, most way less than that. I have heard of a rare few patients who made it nearly five years, but I personally think it’s cruel to tell people that at the outset.

  “This is one of those cancers we don’t have a handle on yet. They’re making advances all the time, and yes, prognosis is improving short-term for patients who are caught early, but it’s fast and nasty and not in a place where we can just open you up and cut it out of you and try radiation and chemo to knock it back for a while.

  “The brain is the body’s mainframe. This flavor doesn’t have to metastasize to kill you—it knocks out the mainframe and the rest of the body’s systems follow. If a patient wants to try to fight it, of course I’ll treat it aggressively. But if a patient wants the best quality of life for as long as possible…”

  He shrugged. “Then, in that case, you’re looking at it.”

  Once they were alone again, she patted the bed on the side Dustin was on. He carefully climbed in with her after grabbing the box of tissues and let her cry.

  He felt…numb.

  About this, at least. A weird, guilt-infused Schrödingerian purgatory where he wanted her to slip away as quickly and painlessly as possible, while at the same time wanting her to have as much time as she could with Jenny and Bryce.

  She got that out of her system and he thought she’d fall asleep, but she didn’t. “Don’t tell B about what Dr. Murphy said. Please?”

  Withholding something from Bryce, especially about Kira, felt…wrong. “Why?”

  “I don’t want to rub his face in it.” She took another tissue from him and blew her nose. “He’s not an idiot. He knows it won’t be long.”

  Now he got it. He nodded. “Sure, sweetie. I understand.”

  Jenny chose that moment to wake up and start fussing. He carefully climbed out of bed again and picked her up. Holding her felt more natural now, less terrifying.

  “I’ll be right back.” He slipped out of the room with her cradled against his chest and found their nurse.

  She took a peek at her. “She’s probably hungry. Let’s go make her a bottle.”

  He nodded and followed her to a room where she prepped the liquid formula and set the bottle in a warmer. “Don’t nuke the bottles in a microwave. That can heat them unevenly and get them too hot. Do you have one of these at home?”

  “Yeah. Bryce already bought one.”

  Hell, Bryce had already bought one of everything, and now Dustin felt even more guilty that he hadn’t been paying better attention to the littler things, the finer details. The only reason he knew they had one was from Bryce trying it out in the kitchen, where it was set up and awaiting Jenny’s arrival home, because he didn’t want to be caught without one.

  The same reason he hadn’t bought any formula yet, because he wanted to wait to see what they gave her at the hospital and then buy that. Ditto diapers, because he didn’t know what size she’d take.

  The finer details. That was Bryce.

  The nurse quickly took Jenny’s vitals while they were waiting, so she wouldn’t ha
ve to disturb her later. Once the bottle reached the right temperature, he carried the bottle and Jenny back to the room. Then he raised the head of Kira’s bed before he climbed onto it.

  “What are you doing?” Kira asked.

  “You’re going to feed her, hon.” He set the bottle down. Working one-handed, he arranged a pillow in her lap and then moved her left arm so he could nestle Jenny there. Then he put the bottle in her right hand and held it with his hand around hers.

  She choked back a sob. “Look at her eat!”

  He tipped his head onto her shoulder as he watched. “Yeah.”

  The nurse stuck her head into the room. “Everything okay?”

  “Can you come here, please?” Dustin asked.

  She did, and he directed her to his phone on the bedside table. “Pictures and video, please?”

  “Of course.” She took a few stills first, then he talked her through how to switch to video.

  Kira’s attention never shifted from Jenny, even as Dustin kept his hand around hers so she could hold the bottle. “You’re so beautiful, sweetheart, and Daddy and Papi are going to have their hands full keeping boys away from you when you’re older.”

  Dustin kissed the top of Kira’s head. “Yeah, we are.”

  Dustin took Jenny back once she’d finished so he could burp her. The nurse had given Kira a dose of painkillers, and now it was kicking in. Since she wasn’t breastfeeding, and considering the circumstances, Dr. Murphy had prescribed the best painkillers.

  With Jenny tucked into the bassinet on one side, and Kira tucked in on his other, Dustin settled in the recliner and tried to get some sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Bryce and Dustin took turns spending the night with Kira while she was in the hospital, her parents staying with her during the day while the men spent some time at home napping or getting things ready. Bryce had tried again to talk Steve and Kate into staying at the house, but this time, Steve smiled as he gently refused.