Soul

“Yes,” I whispered, intrigued.

  “I never wanted to be king. I wished my parents would have another child so the responsibility could be passed to someone else’s shoulders. And when I did take the throne, I panicked. I did everything I could to forget what I was supposed to do, and everything fell apart. That’s how I know you have a self-destruct button. I had one, too.”

  “But you want to be king now?”

  He hesitated. “I want to take the shame away from my parents’ names. I want to undo what I’ve done. If I could go back, I would be different. But I can’t. I have a second chance now. I have to do this right, no matter what it takes.” He blew out a sigh as if relieved to have told someone.

  “You’ll be a great king this time. You won’t give them a reason to turn on you again.”

  “I’ve already given them plenty of reasons,” he said, but he was recovering his mask, and I felt a pang that I might never speak to the real Brendan again. He rested against the wall and stared upward as if he had never seen the sky before.

  I leaned next to him. “Can I ask you a question about Líle?”

  He nodded, frowning.

  “Is my friend Zoe under some kind of magical influence? It’s just… she’s been boy-mad since she was ten, and she’s wasted years on Darren, despite everyone pointing out his gazillion flaws, and now she’s flirting with a woman she just met. That’s odd, no?”

  He smiled. “Humans are strange. Sometimes love is more than gender or race. Sometimes it’s big enough to bypass any obstacle, even the less obvious ones.”

  I liked that. “You mean like Grim and Realtín?”

  “Exactly. And… you and Drake.”

  I looked away.

  “I’m not trying to… your souls connect, even I feel it. But sometimes I feel like ours must connect a little, too.”

  “Is any of it real?” I asked. “The way I feel, the way he said he felt—is it possible for humans and fae to have real feelings for each other?”

  “I once thought it impossible. But now… now it feels like it could be real. I feel the echoes, and they taste good, but neither of you are pure-blooded when it comes to it, so perhaps that makes a difference. It doesn’t feel wrong.”

  “But it’s over,” I said softly.

  “Maybe so, mo Chara.”

  I gave him a wry smile. “I thought maybe he would show on my birthday.”

  “Does it help or hurt to see me? Could I comfort you or upset you?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “I don’t know. Can I say goodbye to him? I know I keep saying it, but it hasn’t felt like a goodbye yet.”

  “You’re welcome to try,” he said, holding out his arms. “But he hasn’t pushed me in a while.”

  I stepped into his arms and pressed my body against him, resting my lips on his neck. I felt awkward and unsure. I didn’t want to say goodbye, and yet I knew I was running out of chances. If I kept trying, maybe it would be harder for Drake to fade. But he hadn’t come to me when I needed him. I couldn’t forget that. Brendan held me tightly, and with a sigh, I rested my head on his shoulders.

  “He’s not coming out to play, is he?” I asked.

  “He’s not trying.” He kissed my hair.

  “I’m so confused,” I admitted. “It’s getting harder to separate you both in my head. I’m scared I’ll…” I didn’t have the words.

  “Do you care about me?” he asked.

  I shrugged. I had no idea anymore. He was growing into a good person in my mind, but he looked like Drake, and that confused me. “What did you look like? I mean, before Drake.”

  “Close your eyes,” he whispered. I obeyed, and he said, “Taller than this, stronger, broader. My mother’s mother came from the daoine sídhe, so I was large even for royalty. My hair was reddish-gold, shorter than now, wavier. I was cocky and arrogant, full sure of myself at all times. I never doubted myself.”

  “Never?”

  “Never that anyone could see. I had a scar across my forehead. I liked it. I was not as pretty as Drake.”

  I laughed.

  He chuckled a little. “Imagine my horror to be in a fae so small, and with wings. I’ve no idea what to do with them. The first day, I kept losing my balance. It was embarrassing.”

  I kissed him. With my eyes closed, I kissed a large, brash Celt who swept my fringe away from my face as if to get that little bit closer to me, and the kiss was far from merely pleasant.

  “Happy birthday, Cara,” he said at last. “Did you find anything gossip-worthy tonight?”

  I curled my fingers in his hair, comforted by the feeling of his arms around me. “A thing or two. I even met a boy. Thanks for letting me have this. It felt nice to say goodbye to my friends, even if…” I shuddered and kissed him hard before the tears could fall. I tried to forget everything in the kiss, but it didn’t work anymore.

  “Is this all part of your renegotiation plan?” he asked against my lips.

  I pulled away and looked at him. “He usually takes over when you kiss me.”

  He nodded. “I know. Perhaps he’s weak.”

  “That makes me sad.”

  “Smile. Tell me what you wish.”

  “Look, Brendan, I’ll say whatever you want, do whatever you want, but I need you to do some things for me first.”

  His expression turned to stone. “Tell me, and I’ll consider them.”

  “My family’s gone through enough. I need the fae to leave them alone. Zoe, too. If you could just make them off-limits, then they might be safe. They might all be happy.”

  He didn’t react. “That’s not all, I take it.”

  I shook my head. “You need to free Anya. Unbind us. She won’t be safe otherwise.”

  “That’s her choice. It’s between you and her.”

  “So I can talk to her?” He didn’t reply, so I carried on. “Give her, Líle, and especially Realtín and Grim, the freedom to leave in peace. I just… they deserve it, Brendan.”

  His eyes were cold.

  I shivered under his gaze, but I kept my hands on his shoulders, made sure we touched. “And help the daoine sídhe’s daughter. The girl is innocent, and the mother is desperate. Reunite them, pardon them, whatever. But it would make me really happy if all of these loose ends were tied up by you before the ceremony.”

  “Before I can change?” he asked sharply.

  “Before I die,” I said. “Anything can happen, and if it does, I’d like to know everyone is looked after.”

  “But what for you?” he asked. “What boon do you wish for you?”

  I frowned. “I don’t need anything.”

  His hand slipped to the back of my neck, and he pulled me closer to him. “I’ll do these things because I think it’s fair and right. I’ll save a wish for you.”

  “You’re going to be a great king,” I said in a shaky voice. “I think you’re a good man, and I hope… you don’t forget when it counts.”

  His eyes softened, and something changed between us, tightened and tensed and wrapped around us like a cocoon. “If things were different,” he whispered.

  “Brendan!” Sorcha stormed toward us, her eyes blazing. She was so beautiful that I wondered why Drake or Brendan would ever look at me fondly when they could gaze at her instead.

  “What now?” Brendan asked impatiently as I stepped out of his reach.

  “This night is a disaster. What was the purpose in the end? You’re supposed to be making a stand, and here you are, hiding with the human in the dark.”

  “I’m not hiding.”

  “Then what are you doing? What was the point of tonight? Tell me why you’re jeopardising everything we’ve worked toward? You act like you don’t even care what my sisters have done for you, the risks we’ve taken. All you do now is indulge in the whims of a human brat. What is it you want?”

  “I wanted to experience tonight! I wanted this, Sorcha. That’s why I said yes. Do you truly think me so weak-minded that I would agree otherwise? I want it all.” He ru
bbed his face in a way that reminded me of Drake. “You’ve gotten a chance to live, Sorcha. When I was lost in the Nether, I felt years of frustrated impotence, unable to reach out and touch anything, unable to taste, to smell, to feel, to change anything I saw. This world is new to me. I want to experience it. I want to live it, and if I want to take time away from the court, I will. Remember who is in charge here.”

  Sorcha looked so chastened that I tried to sneak away. I didn’t want to listen anymore.

  “No! Cara, you’ll stay right there.” The veins stood out in his neck. “Go,” he ordered the banshee. “Get out of my sight before I lose my good mood.”

  She stormed away, a look of hurt in her eyes.

  “What’s wrong with you?” I asked.

  “It’s not me,” he protested. “It’s Drake. Not just him. I just want to live, but I’m lost. It’s hopeless.” He looked horrified then turned his back on me.

  I laid a hand on his shoulder, trying not to pinch too hard in my excitement. “There has to be something we can do to help both of you. Someone who can help.”

  “Only my enemies. I never should have…” When he turned to face me, his eyes were colder than they had ever been, glittering under a streetlight. “They’re right. You should die. Drake should. And yet you’re both here. No matter what you do, no matter what you try, I must win in the end.” He gripped my shoulders. “Do you not see what they’ll do? If not me, who will stop them?”

  “Somebody else,” I whispered.

  He pushed me from him. “Human thinking. It doesn’t work that way.”

  “Maybe you and Drake could—”

  “Arlen!” he roared, making me jump. His bodyguard came into view instantly. “Take her home.”

  “And you?” Arlen asked.

  “Let them come tonight,” Brendan snarled.

  If I thought I had seen Brendan angry before, I had been sadly mistaken. I stepped back from the fury vibrating off him, unwilling to taste the darkness hiding in his soul, yet wanting to fall into the abyss with him, just to know what it felt like.

  Arlen nodded and took my arm, smoothly leading me away from the king.

  “But—”

  He squeezed my arm. “Not now. There’s a time for quiet, girl. This is it.”

  I glanced back at Brendan long enough to see his furious pacing, his anger a static energy around him. I let Arlen take me home, where I was locked in my room.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I didn’t see Brendan again until Imbolc. My companions whispered about the king, how stressed he seemed, how without Drake he was. Sorcha looked like the cat who caught the cream, but my cat had vanished again. I found more wooden carvings in my room and hid them with the others. I didn’t know where they were coming from, and I didn’t want anyone else to see them until I did.

  We travelled to the introduction ceremony in carriages. I kept looking outside, trying to figure out where we were, where we had been, but the landscape was too confusing. The only clarity was Brendan riding beside the carriage on a jet-black horse. He turned to me, and I held my breath in case he was still angry. But he gave me that confident, boyish smile that came so easily to him, and I could breathe again. Everything would be okay.

  We arrived at the meeting point. Amidst a noisy bustle of faeries, my group headed to a tent where the pixies prepared me for the introduction ceremony.

  “Brendan wants you to look as vulnerable and innocent as possible,” Anya whispered. “As human as possible. They’ll discuss you and make a decision, and then you will be shown around.”

  “Paraded, you mean,” I said.

  She smiled. “There is that. But we’re close, Cara. We’re almost at the end. You’ll be free soon.”

  I swallowed hard. Free to do what?

  But there was one thing I couldn’t wait for, so I pulled Anya aside to speak to her privately. “You need to cut the bond between us. Brendan said it was okay to—”

  “You’re sending me back?” She sounded heartbroken.

  “No! That’s not what I mean. I just don’t want you to feel my pain, Anya. Stay with me. We’re friends, right? That’s better than this bond. I don’t want it. I don’t want to worry about hurting you all the time. Can’t we just be like two normal people? Like me and Zoe.”

  “You would be my friend?”

  “I already am,” I said, confused by her hesitation. I took her hand. “I want us to be equal.”

  “When you leave… will you take me with you?”

  I looked at the other pixies, at the way they never relaxed, not even for a second. “Yes. You can come with me.”

  She hugged me, and I didn’t know how to tell her that I might not leave, that I might not get the chance. She led me back to finish getting ready.

  The pixies left my hair down. Realtín and Anya entwined some slim green ribbons through a couple of thin plaits, and those were my only decoration. The white dress was magnificent, and I felt like a princess, but I was really a pawn. They left my feet bare. When I looked in the mirror, I appeared a couple of years younger, as innocent as I could possibly look.

  “You’re all really good at this,” I said, my palms sweating.

  “We’ll do this for Brendan’s queen some day,” one of the pixies trilled excitedly.

  Brendan slipped in to speak to my companions. He wore tight green leather trousers, and his hair had some thin plaits with green ribbons the colour of mine.

  “My family colour,” he explained when he saw me looking. “That’s what the ribbons are for, a subtle reminder of whom you speak for. And please stop leering at me, Cara. It’s most unbecoming for an innocent human witness.”

  I flushed as the others laughed nervously. Even Dymphna was with us, keeping hidden until the right moment. We all had parts to play, and the time to open the curtains approached.

  “The time has come,” he said, gazing around at us: Arlen, Sorcha, Líle, Anya, Dymphna, Grim, and Realtín. “I want to be a different kind of king this time around. I won’t waste this chance. I’d like you all to know that I won’t force your loyalty any longer. If you want to leave, you may, and know that I appreciate everything you’ve done in my name. Anya, you are unbound from Cara, untethered from me and the rest of my pixies. You may all do as you wish.”

  They all exchanged worried glances, but I did a celebratory dance behind them.

  “We’re free?” Grim asked. “We can go?”

  “You may leave,” Brendan said. “You always have a place here, but your choices are yours to make. I’ll not force you into my service again. I must leave now. It’s about to begin. Cara, I’ll send for you when it’s time. Stay here. There are guards all around, so don’t worry if you’re left alone.”

  He nodded at me, and I had never wanted to kiss him so badly. I wondered if he could see it in my eyes, because he winked at me before he left the tent.

  “I’m going with the king,” Sorcha said, and she strode out, closely followed by Arlen, who had the ghost of a smile on his face.

  “I’m seeing this through to the end,” Líle announced, taking a seat by my side. “We can decide what we want to do afterward.”

  “This is too important,” Grim said to Realtín. She nodded, but she looked stunned.

  I plucked her out of the air and held her in my arms like a baby doll. Without Anya being bonded to me, the sheer weight of the dress kicked in. My hips felt bruised just from sitting in one place. I could only imagine how much I would ache by nightfall.

  An hour later, Sorcha returned, high on excitement. “We need to bring Cara out. The other candidates all agreed that Brendan’s claim to enter the ceremony should depend on her testimony. If her word is dishonoured, then he will forfeit his claim.” She sighed. “It’s all going to plan.”

  “So what do I do?” I asked.

  “You sit by his side, listen to everything that is said, and wait your turn.” She took my hands and squeezed them. “Don’t ruin this for him. For us all. He’s the bes
t choice there ever was. Now maybe they’ll see it.”

  I nodded, gulping down a lump in my throat. There were so many ways it could all go wrong.

  All of us, except for Dymphna, left the tent. There were a number of groups of fae, all sitting apart. Behind them were the tents of their followers. I was led to Brendan’s space and told to sit at his feet. We all gathered there, free and loyal, and looked out at the other groups.

  “Sadler is directly across from us,” Brendan said. “But he remains in his tent. The others will never reach the final bout, of course.”

  “So he’s your only competition?” I asked.

  “Yes. Be ready, Cara. You may speak first or last, but be ready for anything.”

  I nodded, gathering strength from my four fae companions. We seemed to sit there for a long time under the fae sun.

  Finally, the faery ruling over the ceremony announced, “Today is a feast day.” He was a tiny creature, but his voice was louder than anyone else’s. “We feast and celebrate the Mother on her special day. We won’t taint it with bloodshed. Today, we drink as brothers and sisters. Tomorrow, the provings begin. On the third day, the combat will commence. After that, well, the surprises will start. Enjoy today, my friends. It could be your last.”

  “Damn,” Brendan whispered. “They changed the order. I thought the combat would be today. I had prepared to offer you Sadler’s head.”

  “Are you joking?” I whispered.

  He merely grinned in reply.

  Brendan had a large table of his own at the festival party. The pixies filled the dance floor. I sat on one side of him and Sorcha on his other. He accepted pledges of loyalty and support while curious stares fell on me. My stomach churned in case I did something wrong.

  He squeezed my hand under the table. “You’re doing well.”

  I heaved out a sigh. “How did you know?”

  “You make it so obvious. Are you hungry? Thirsty?”

  I frowned. “Stop making me more nervous. You sound like this is my last supper.”

  He squeezed my fingers again. “We’ll make sure it’s not. How do you think I’m doing?”

  “More fae come to this table.” I had been watching carefully. “They stay with you longer, mostly staring, but still. I think they’re trying to see you—the you they’ve heard of, I mean. But where’s this Sadler bloke?”