April Shadows

  I thanked him when he pulled into the parking lot.

  "You watch who you hang out with, young lady," he warned. And then he added something that made me laugh. "It only takes one rotten apple to spoil the bunch."

  I waved and rushed into the shop to use the pay phone. The cashier gave me change for my ten dollars, and I called home.

  Brenda answered, and from the tone of her voice. I knew everyone had been worried. "Where the hell are you, April?"

  I told her.

  "What are you doing there? Do you know what time it is? Mama is beside herself. How could you do this to her?"

  I started to cry.

  "Well, are you coming home or what?" she asked.

  "I have no way to get home," I said through my sobs.

  "I don't believe it. Just stay there. Celia and I are coming," she said.

  I thought about asking to speak to Mama so I could apologize, but Brenda hung up. Then I remembered what Mr. Petersen had said in the truck. and I went into the restroom to wash my face and straighten my clothing. I had one bad mud stain on my jacket sleeve, and washing it seemed to make it worst.

  What was I going to tell them? When they heard I had drunk vodka and when Brenda heard I had gotten into David Peet's car. I would be blamed for everything. I was too embarrassed to tell the truth. anyway. Luke had nearly stripped me naked, and they were all looking at me. My eyes filled with tears again. I had to take deep breaths to stop myself from just bawling aloud in the restroom.

  I went out and bought myself something I hadn't eaten for months, a package of chocolatecovered graham crackers and a bottle of Coke. Then I sat on the bench in front of the store and waited. I felt tired and achy all over, especially in my legs. My nausea was gone, and my stomach gurgled complaints about being so empty. I had practically thrown up my intestines earlier. It didn't take me long to gobble down the whole package of crackers. I was terribly thirsty and went in to buy another Coke. Still hungry. I bought another package of crackers and had just started eating them when Brenda and Celia drove up.

  "What the hell are you doing here?" Brenda asked as soon as she got out of the car.

  Celia got out, too, and they both approached me.

  "Where?" Brenda demanded, her hands on her hips. "And what the hell are you eating that junk for?"

  I looked up at her, and then I looked at Celia, who was gazing at me with some amusement in her eyes. Brenda's were filled with hot rage. I threw away the remaining crackers quickly.

  I hadn't come up with any idea of how to explain what had happened to me.

  There was nothing left to do but tell the truth.

  8 Invisible Tears

  . I didn't tell the whole truth. I couldn't talk about what Luke had almost done to me, especially in front of Celia, and even more especially because of the things they had said about Brenda. On the way home. I limited my explanation to getting into David's car, drinking some vodka, and their pulling a prank on me by leaving me on some back road. Of course. I had no idea what I would do if David developed the picture he had taken and then showed it to people. I talked mostly about Mr. Petersen in the hopes that neither Brenda nor Celia would ask too many questions about David, Luke, and Jenna.

  Brenda and Celia sat up front listening. Both of them kept their faces forward, neither commenting nor asking a question. At times. I felt as if I were speaking to mannequins. It's so much more difficult to travel through troubled territory, tell half- truths, and leave out unpleasant information when you have to do all the talking. I thought, It's like swimming out in the middle of the ocean without anyone offering any sort of rescue. You just flounder about. hoping. When I finished with some sniffles. which I hoped would bring me some expressions of sympathy. Brenda looked at Celia and then looked into the rearview mirror at me in the backseat.

  "I really thought you were a lot smarter than that. April. Ifs not that I didn't warn you about those kids, and why would you drink anything they offered you in a paper bag? How do you know what was really in it? You never drank any vodka before, did you?"

  "No, but they drank it, too!" I whined. Celia laughed.

  "They did!"

  "It was in a paper bag, you said, right?" Brenda

  asked. "Yes."

  "So they could have brought it to their lips but

  not actually swallowed any or very much, and you

  wouldn't know. It's a trick college boys pull on girls

  all the time. The girls end up drunk or worse, and then

  the boys take advantage."

  Celia turned slowly and looked back at me.

  "Did they do that?" Brenda asked.

  "What?"

  "Take advantage of you?" she asked.

  I could see Brenda's eyes in the rearview

  mirror. She was waiting for my answer and watching

  my face.

  "No," I said, and turned away quickly. I

  couldn't tell her I just couldn't do it, especially in front

  of Celia.

  Neither of them said another word for a while, "We'll think of a better story to tell Mama,"

  Brenda told me before we arrived at the house. "Okay.

  Here's what you'll say. You'll tell her you went for a

  ride with some of your friends, and the car broke

  down. Don't tell her about the drinking. She doesn't

  know much about the kids at school, so she won't

  know how bad the ones you were with are. It's not

  hard to see she's still as fragile as thin china. More bad

  news could shatter her."

  "I know how Mama is," I snapped back. "I'm

  the one living with her now."

  "Then you should know enough not to get into

  this sort of trouble," Brenda returned.

  "Take it easy," Celia told her softly. 'You and I

  are not exactly angels."

  Brenda calmed and lowered her shoulders. "Are we still going to dinner?" I asked. "No, it's too late. She's fixing leftovers. My

  father hated leftovers," she told Celia. "He was a kook

  for fresh food. He used to say the only thing he wants

  warmed over is his feet in winter."

  Celia laughed. Then she grew sad and said.

  "You were lucky to have him. The only thing I

  remember my father saying is good-bye."

  Brenda glanced at her and slipped her right

  hand into Celia's. They held hands up until the

  moment Brenda had to turn into our driveway. Why does she feel so sorry for her and not sorry

  at all for me? I thought sadly.

  "April," Mama said as soon as I entered, "what

  happened to you?"

  I glanced at Brenda and then related the

  fabricated story as quickly as I could. I was not a very

  good liar. Daddy used to tell me my face turned to

  glass whenever I tried, and he could see right through

  to the squiggly little deceptions. Mama wasn't as keen,

  especially these days. She listened, and then she felt

  sorry for me, which only made me feel more terrible.

  Brenda was satisfied with my performance, however.

  I was sent to shower and change and come to our late

  dinner.

  I ate well, too well for Brenda, who watched

  me like a hawk every time I reached for something.

  but I couldn't help how much I ate. I had had no

  lunch.

  "You want to know what disappointed me the

  most today, April?" she told me in the kitchen after I

  had brought in some dishes and silverware to wash.

  "Seeing you eat that fattening candy when we picked

  you up."

  "It wasn't candy: it was cookies," I said. "Yeah, right. Like that makes a difference If

  you're just going to go back to your old ways. I won't

  bother trying to hel
p you," she threatened, but quickly

  smiled when Celia followed us in with some more

  dishes. However, she had heard Brenda's warning and

  threat.

  "Oh, don't yell at her about the cookies. Brenda.

  She probably ate out of nervousness more than

  anything."

  "I wasn't nervous," I shot back. I didn't want her

  coming to my defense.

  "Believe me, honey, you were nervous," she

  said. nodding. "We've all been there,"

  Brenda and she nodded. The two of them

  looked so smug, so confident. They knew even-thing;

  I knew nothing. I put the silverware down and left the

  kitchen.

  "I'm tired. Mama," I said, returning to the

  dining room. "Do you mind if I just go to bed?" "Oh, sure. April. I know you went through a

  terrible experience. Don't worry. Celia and Brenda

  will help with everything," she told me.

  Yes. Celia and Brenda can easily replace me. I

  thought, and went to my room. I didn't do anything. I

  sprawled out on my stomach and pressed my face to

  my pillow so hard I nearly smothered myself. I

  thought about Daddy and how he was before he had

  turned into Mr. Hyde. How quickly he would have

  come to my defense in this situation. Everyone needed

  someone to champion him or her. Even serial killers

  had good lawyers these days, or they had mothers

  who couldn't imagine them being so terrible. I thought about David. Luke. and Jenna and

  how they were probably off somewhere having a good

  laugh at my expense. Maybe they had met up with

  some of their other friends and were telling the story.

  Then they would have the picture developed and show

  everyone. Maybe they wouldn't. I thought hopefully.

  Maybe they would realize that I could go to the police

  if they did. It would be proof of what they had done.

  They couldn't be that stupid. I concluded, but then I

  wondered if I had made a terrible tactical error by not

  telling Brenda the whole truth, especially when it all

  came out later. What would I say? I forgot? She

  would be even angrier at me.

  I was in such turmoil my head felt as if it had

  been used as a Ping-Pang ball, and my stomach

  started churning and bubbling again. I tried talking

  myself to sleep, and for a while. I actually did drift

  off, but then I heard my bedroom door open. and I

  opened my eyes to see Brenda silhouetted in the

  hallway light. She stood there a moment looking in at

  me.

  "Are you asleep?" she asked, her voice

  sounding softer.

  "I'm awake." I said, sitting up. "What is it?" She closed the door softly and walked to the

  bed. She had her arms folded tightly under her breasts.

  I could hear that the threat of rain that had been over

  us earlier and then gone had returned with a

  vengeance to deliver its promise. Drops closer to sleet

  sounded like pebbles against the pane. With the door

  closed. I couldn't see Brenda's expression, but the way

  she held her body told me she was still very angry,

  very upset.

  "What made you go with those kids. April?" "I don't know. I just went." I said.

  "You knew what they were like. How did they

  get you into the car? What did they say?" she pursued, her voice resonating with suspicions. I dared not tell

  her about the accusations.

  "I don't know. They said we'd have fun. Jenna

  said..."

  "What?" she snapped.

  "That Luke liked me."

  "Luke? Luke Isaac? You went because she said

  that?" I shrugged and looked away. I heard her sigh

  deeply. "What else happened to you. April?" she

  asked.

  "What do you mean?"

  "I know you aren't telling it all. I saw it in your

  face when we first picked you up. Just like Daddy

  used to say, your skin turns to glass when you lie, and

  it's like looking through a window."

  I was silent.

  "Okay. April, if you force me to be specific. I'll

  be specific. What else did they do to you after you

  drank the vodka? Did either of the boys do something

  sexual?"

  I started to cry. Brenda, the petrified tree, stood

  firm. waiting. "He tried," I said.

  "Who tried?"

  "Luke."

  "Meaning what?"

  "He said he wanted to do me a favor and... do it

  to me. He said he was an expert with virgins. He even

  had his wallet marked with his conquests. I was so

  sick I didn't understand what was happening until it

  was almost too late."

  "What do you mean by 'almost'?"

  "The other two came into the room and..." "What room? I thought you said you were in a

  car. April." she added when I was silent. "What

  room?"

  "David took us to his granddad's house because

  his granddad is in the hospital. Luke took me to the

  bedroom. He was taking off my clothes when Jenna

  and David came to the door. David took a picture!" "The bastard." Brenda said.

  "I had a chance to escape. and I ran out of the

  house. They came after me. but I hid in the bushes,

  and then everything else I told you was true.' "You should have told me it all. April. Celia

  and I could have done something earlier."

  "What can Celia do?"

  "The bastards," she said instead of answering,

  and then, after a moment, she turned and marched to

  the door. She paused after opening it. "Never tell

  Mama," she said, and left, closing the door behind

  her. I stared after her in the dark, and then I turned

  over again and buried my face in the pillow. A few

  minutes later. I heard Brenda and Celia in the hallway.

  I rose quickly and went to the door. They were

  dressed in their jackets and heading for the front door.

  I stepped out. Mama's bedroom door was closed. She

  was probably asleep.

  "Brenda!" I called after them in a loud whisper

  just as she opened the front door. "Where are you

  going? What are you going to do?"

  "Just go back to bed. April. Go back to bed."

  she said, and she and Celia left.

  I ran to the door and looked out the side

  window. They got into Celia's car, backed out of the

  driveway, and headed away. It was almost midnight,

  and it was still raining steadily. Where could they be

  going? I returned to my bedroom. but I was too

  nervous to fall back asleep. and I just lay there staring

  up through the darkness. Every sound made my heart

  thump Finally, pure exhaustion slammed my lids shut.

  and I was dropped into a deep sleep.

  It was so deep a sleep that I didn't hear Brenda

  come back into my room much later. I wouldn't have

  known she had come in at all if I didn't open my eyes and see David Peet's camera beside my pillow. It was early in the morning, barely seven, but there was enough light in the room for me to see it. It was one of those throwaway cameras. For a moment. however. I thought I was still asleep. dreaming. Then the realization that it was really there set in. and I practically leaped into a sitting position, gaping down

  at it as if
it were a giant spider or something. I picked it up slowly and turned it around in my

  hands. How could it be here? With the camera in

  hand. I went to my bedroom door and peered out.

  listening. The house was dead quiet. Mama hadn't

  risen. These days, she was sleeping longer and longer,

  and there were mornings when I actually had risen,

  had made breakfast, and was just about ready to leave

  for school by the time she came out of her bedroom,

  looking dazed and confused about the time.

  The sight and possession of this camera were so

  shocking I couldn't wait for Brenda to wake up. I

  quickly crossed to her room, knocked gently on her

  door, and then opened it and looked in. My mouth

  was forming an apology for waking her when I froze. She wasn't there. The bed was empty. In fact, it

  didn't even look as if she had been in it.

  "What are you doing. April?" I heard her ask,

  and nearly jumped out of my skin.

  She stood behind me in her nightgown. I stared

  at her a moment. She looked as if her cheeks had been

  brushed with wet red roses.

  "April, what are you doing?"

  "I.., was coming to ask you how..." I held up

  the camera. "How did this get on my bed?"

  She smirked and walked by me into her

  bedroom. I watched her crawl in under her blanket.

  She patted the pillow and then looked at me. "You can thank Celia for that," she said. "Celia? I don't understand."

  "Before she decided to go into advertising.

  Celia was thinking of becoming an attorney. Here I

  am, the daughter of an attorney, and she's more

  equipped to act and sound like one. She took some

  prelaw courses."

  I shook my head, still confused. "I still don't

  understand. Brenda. This looks like the camera David

  had. It is, right?"

  "Yes. It's not brain surgery, April. We tracked

  down David Peet. I know the hangouts around here,

  and there was no doubt in my mind he and his crew of

  creeps would still be out and about. We confronted

  him. and Celia carefully explained how we could go directly to the police and have him arrested for attempted rape. The very fact that he had that camera