April Shadows

  in possession was evidence."

  Brenda smiled.

  "She was really very good at intimidating

  David. I was even scared,' she added. "Anyway,

  people like David Peet have no backbone. They can

  take advantage of weaker, more vulnerable people,

  but when they're up against someone with strength,

  they wilt. He produced that camera out of thin air so

  fast I thought he was competing with Uncle Palaver."

  she added, and lowered her head. Then she raised it

  again. "Smash it, and the film will be destroyed. You

  can thank Celia in a few hours.

  "In fact," she said, sitting up again. "you can

  prepare breakfast for us. Celia likes her eggs over

  easy. Orange juice, coffee, and some wheat toast with

  jam. Now, let me get some rest. We'll be up and about

  by eight-thirty. We're meeting some of my old

  teammates for lunch today, the ones who graduated

  with me last year."

  She lowered her head again and then turned on

  her side and closed her eyes. I stared at her. Why was

  she first going to sleep?

  "You just got home?" I asked. "You were out

  all night?"

  She didn't reply. I waited a moment and then

  left her room and started for my own. The door to the

  guest room was slightly open. I peered in and saw

  Celia on her stomach, the cover down to her waist and

  her bare back shining in the morning light. I thought

  about speaking to her but decided against it, and

  instead I went into my room, broke open the camera,

  and exposed the film. I dropped the camera itself into

  my trash can and covered it with paper so Mama

  wouldn't see. Later. I would empty it into a bigger

  trash bag.

  I was too awake now to return to bed. so I

  showered and dressed and did what Brenda asked. I

  went out to the kitchen and began to prepare

  breakfast. Mama was up before Brenda and Celia and

  was surprised at how I had set the table, made the

  coffee, squeezed fresh orange juice and grapefruit

  juice, and gotten the eggs ready to cook.

  "Isn't this nicer she said. "Thank you, dear." I told her to go relax in the dining room and let

  me do it all. She put up some resistance until Celia

  and Brenda appeared, and then she agreed. The three

  of them sat chatting and laughing while I worked up

  the eggs, made the toast, and brought in the juice and

  coffee.

  I tried to avoid looking at Celia, because every

  time I did. I thought I saw her smug, la-low-it-all

  smile. Everything she had predicted about me came

  true in her eyes. Brenda was obviously watching

  every move I made to be sure I treated Celia like some

  sort of royalty out of appreciation. Everyone

  complimented me on the eggs. and I finally sat and

  had one egg with a glass of juice and some black

  coffee. I ate sparingly just to please Brenda. Mama

  kept urging me to have something more. I told her I

  had nibbled on a bagel in the kitchen. I hadn't. but I

  could see Brenda believed I had.

  Afterward. Mama surprised me by agreeing to

  go for a walk with Brenda and Celia. The rain had

  stopped, and now it was a crisp, sunny, late-fall day,

  the kind of day Brenda loved to greet with a five-mile

  run. I remained behind to clean up. I was supposed to

  join them, but by the time I had everything done. I

  heard them coming back, Apparently. Mama had

  balked at walking too far and returned instead to make

  her bed and clean the house. She claimed it was her

  day for vacuuming, but lately every day was her day

  for vacuuming.

  "She grew panicky as soon as we were five hundred yards from our property. Doesn't she go for

  walks at all anymore?" Brenda asked me.

  "Not that I know, I'm in school most of the

  day."

  "She's become agoraphobic," Celia said. "What's that?" I asked quickly.

  "She gets panic attacks, anxiety probably

  stemming from deep depression. I learned about it in

  my introduction to psych course last semester," she

  added. "That's why she wasn't so upset last night

  about our not going out after all."

  Brenda nodded.

  "What should we do?" I asked, developing

  some panic myself. "She might need some

  professional help. Brenda," Celia said.

  "Yes. Before we return to school. I'll have a talk

  with her and try to persuade her to see someone,"

  Brenda said.

  They went to her room to talk about it, leaving

  me out as if I were too young to understand. I went to

  make my own bed and straighten up my things.

  Shortly afterward. Brenda pulled me aside and told

  me I should personally thank Celia for helping me last

  night. She practically pushed me in her direction. She

  was sitting in the living room, flipping through a

  magazine, and looked up when I entered.

  "I want to thank you for helping me out and

  getting that camera and film." I said. It was still

  embarrassing for me to talk about it in front of her, "Oh, it was nothing. I was happy to play a role

  in it." she said. "Besides. Brenda was the tough one." I looked at my sister. She had given Celia all

  the credit. "We're sort of used to taking on males like

  that, aren't we. Brenda?"

  "Yes," she said. "But you better watch your rear

  end now. April." she warned. "Expect them to give

  you a hard time. Just ignore them, and after a while,

  they'll get bored and move on to drowning cats or

  whatever those sorts of people do."

  Celia laughed.

  "Come on," Brenda urged her. 'Before we meet

  my old teammates. I want to go to the school. There's

  a special basketball practice today. and I want you to

  meet Coach McDermott. He's the reason I'm in

  college ball today," she added.

  Moments later, the two of them were off again.

  This time. Brenda didn't even suggest I come along. I

  moped about all day. After she vacuumed most of the

  house. Mama sat in Daddy's old chair and dozed or

  glanced at the television set, vaguely interested in whatever was on. It didn't seem to matter much. When she saw me, she talked about making lunch, but I told

  her I was just having an apple, which was all I did eat. About two o'clock, my phone rang. I was

  hoping it was Brenda telling me she was going to pick

  me up to do something with them, but it wasn't

  Brenda. It was Jenna Hunter. As soon as I said hello,

  she went off on me.

  "Listen, bitch," she said. "If you or your dyke

  sister and her girlfriend take David's camera to the

  police, you'll be very sorry. I'll testify that you

  practically begged Luke to have sex with you." "I'm not going to the police," I said. "but it was

  a terrible thing you did to me, and you'd better stop

  saving those things about my sister. Just because she's

  a great athlete, it doesn't mean..."

  "You were just afraid because you're just like

  her. It wouldn't have been so terrible for you, and you

 
might have learned to appreciate boys,' she said.

  laughing. '"Remember my warning." she added, and

  hung up.

  My hand was trembling holding the receiver.

  There was one thing I sure wasn't looking forward to

  doing, and that was returning to school after the long

  Thanksgiving weekend, Just the thought of it made

  my stomach tingle with tension.

  Brenda finally did call, but not to have me meet

  them. She wanted their last night to be special, as

  special as the night before was supposed to be until I

  ruined it. She didn't say that, but I read between the

  lines. Celia and Brenda had decided to take us all out

  to what once was our favorite restaurant. Dickson's

  Steak House. Mama agreed. but I could see the

  sadness flowing under her face as memories of Daddy

  taking us all there returned. She was actually

  trembling.

  There were many times when he had called to

  have us meet him after some court action. Most of the

  time, he was jovial, having done well, and it was

  always a party. As I looked at Mama returning to

  Daddy's chair. I thought how horrible it must be for

  her now never to have that sort of happiness and

  excitement in her life. Unless she met and married

  someone new who was just as wonderful to her, she

  would be forever sitting and staring at her memories.

  She would become a different sort of couch potato.

  Her mind was jammed full of reruns and replays.

  Nothing new loomed on her horizon except for what

  we brought home to her, and I wasn't exactly winning

  ribbons and awards of any kind.

  I felt so helpless, because I didn't want to cry in

  front of her or make her feel any worse than she

  already felt by sympathizing with her and pointing out

  her sadness. For me, it was like watching someone

  sinking slowly in quicksand while I was unable even

  to hold out a helping hand. All I could do was stand

  nearby and see her disappear.

  Brenda and Celia both did all they could to

  cheer her up later. They had obviously planned some

  sort of strategy to help Mama overcome her

  agoraphobia. They burst back into the house full of

  energy and laughter. Brenda was more talkative than

  ever, describing her reunion with her old coach. "I even coached the team for him for a while." "She was great," Celia testified. "She gave one

  side a play she uses at college, and they were

  unstoppable. Mr. McDermott was pretty impressed. I

  hope you can get yourself and April to one of the

  games in Memphis. Nora," Celia told Mama. "Oh, we will, we will." Mama promised, but it

  was so weak and thin that no one believed her. Later, Mama tried to find every excuse for us

  going to dinner without her. She had nothing decent to

  wear. She was tired. She would only be a drag on our

  happy evening. Celia and Brenda invaded her room and actually picked out her clothing for her, chatting away all the while and drowning out any reluctance Mama could express. They practically carried her out

  to the car, laughing off Mama's reluctance.

  They kept up their merriment at dinner. Every

  time there was a quiet pause, one or the other would

  jump in with a story, a joke, a comment, forcing

  Mama to participate, be happy, eat, and drink wine.

  Daddy was practically not mentioned at all, but that

  didn't stop Mama from gazing around as if she

  expected him to arrive any moment, just as he used to

  when he was meeting us after court business. Twice.

  Brenda caught my eye, and we both knew what she

  was doing and feeling.

  We went home relatively early, but Mama

  showed fatigue and excused herself to go to bed

  almost as soon as we walked through the door. Brenda

  and Celia stayed up talking with me in the living room

  about Mama's condition and how I had to do all I

  could to keep her from shrinking,

  "After a while, she'll even limit how much of

  the house she'll go into," Celia predicted. Brenda

  listened intently to her every word, as if she were a

  licensed psychiatrist. "She'll get so she won't even

  come out of her room. She'll have you bring her meals

  there."

  "No, she won't. That's not going to happen," I

  cried. It was on the tip of my tongue to add. You're

  not a psychiatrist. Stop pretending to be one, andwith

  my mother, too! But I didn't say it,

  "Just call us if anything like that starts to

  happen," Brenda said. "She promised me she would

  see someone, and I'll follow up on that. You'd better

  make sure you're around as much as you can be, and

  don't get into any more trouble. April."

  It was then that I told them about Jenna

  Hunter's calling me and threatening me. I left out the

  remarks she had made about her and Celia.

  "Don't pay any attention to her threats. She's the

  frightened one who's just trying to put on a good

  front. It's over. April," Brenda said. "Consider

  yourself lucky this time. If you do something that

  stupid again, you might not be so lucky."

  "If they do bother you to such an extent that

  you can't stand it. then go to the dean of students,"

  Celia suggested.

  "They'll get even meaner if I do that," I whined. "So, don't do it unless you absolutely have to do

  it," Brenda said. "Just do what I said, and ignore them.

  You'll see. They'll get bored and leave you alone." "We'll call you every week to see how things

  are going," Celia promised.

  I didn't want to look grateful, but I was. I just

  wished it had been Brenda who had said it and not

  Celia.

  Finally, we all went to bed. They were up early

  to have their breakfast and start back to college. They

  had things to do, they said. I couldn't blame them for

  wanting to get away as quickly as they could. It was

  too demanding to be in a house full of so much

  depression. After all, how much laughter and how

  many smiles could you force before being exhausted

  with the effort?

  I stood by Mama as she hugged them both in

  the doorway. Celia promised to return but tried again

  to get Mama to promise to come to Memphis. I was

  waiting and hoping they would invite me. Finally,

  almost as a last thought. Brenda suggested it quietly,

  out of Mama's hearing.

  "If things are such that you can get away for a

  weekend. April, we'll have you visit. But you've got to

  be sure things are okay with Mama first," she said.

  "She needs you. You've got to watch over her. I'm

  depending on you to do that, and that's why I don't

  want you getting yourself into any sort of new trouble.

  understand?"

  I nodded.

  "She's going to be fine," Celia said. "Well call

  you," she assured me again.

  In the end. I had to smile and kiss her good-bye.

  She surprised me by holding on to me and whispering,

  "You'll be okay. honey. You'll be okay."

  I watched them get into their car, wave, and

&n
bsp; back out of the driveway. They were gone in

  moments, and suddenly. I felt cold and realized how

  dark and cloudy it had become. Mama had already

  retreated from the doorway. I felt like running after

  them. I felt like running away.

  Those days of wishing time would freeze were

  long gone forever for me now. If anything, minutes

  took too long to become hours, and hours took too

  long to become days. I wished instead that I could

  close my eyes and when I opened them. I'd be

  Brenda's age, getting into my car and driving off to

  college or to anywhere but here.

  By the time I walked back into the house.

  Mama was settled in Daddy's old chair. She wasn't

  crying, but she might as well be. I thought. Maybe

  there is such a thing as dry tears that trickle down

  your cheeks and settle around your heart, invisible

  tears, but just as hot.

  I retreated to my room to complete my

  homework for the next day. We had a light supper.

  Mama ate less than I did. It had been only a few hours

  since Brenda and Celia had left, but she was already

  back to her meager appetite. Maybe out of

  nervousness, maybe to get her to see she should eat

  more. I ate everything in sight, even part of her

  portion. I offered to clean up, but she wanted to do it.

  She said she needed to be occupied.

  Afterward, she joined me in the living room to

  watch television, but she showed little interest in

  anything I could find.

  Eventually, she rose and left. She didn't go to

  her bedroom. however. Instead. I found her sitting in

  Daddy's office, her back to the door, gazing out the

  window. In her hands, she held a picture of him and

  herself taken on their honeymoon, which she had

  found buried under a box of old papers.

  "Are you all right. Mama?" I asked her. She

  didn't answer. so I asked again, and she turned the

  chair to face me.

  "What? Oh. yes. I'm fine, April," she said. She

  forced a smile. "I'in just thinking about things. It's

  nothing. Go on to bed. Don't worry about me. You

  girls shouldn't worry about me."

  I wanted to say. But I am worried about you,

  Mama, and even more so with Brenda away and

  occupied with her own life, her sports, and her new

  close friend, but I didn't say anything. I nodded

  instead and left her encased in her own melancholy. I