That voice will be my undoing.
I get to the stairs and stop to look at him. He lifts his eyebrows, worried this time, and waves the flag again.
“I surrender.” It resonates in the stairwell and pings from his mouth to the wall to the mailboxes to the stairs, and straight to my heart. Ping! It bounces back off again.
I turn around and walk up the stairs. All three flights. He tails me and when we reach my apartment and I go to open the door and walk inside, he pauses and speaks again. “Can I please come in?”
I open the door wider and he meekly walks in. I walk straight to the kitchen and put the flowers in water, arranging them in our only vase. There, that looks so pretty.
“Sparrow, please look at me.”
I place the vase on the table by the couch and sit down, looking up at him. He sits down, hastily.
“You’re mad at me.”
I snort. I can’t help it, it just rushes out.
“I deserve it,” he says. He stares at me, trying to weigh how he should handle me, I’m sure. He’s lost all his swagger and seems completely vulnerable. He looks like a little kid who’s waiting for his punishment.
“You do,” I finally respond.
His breath rushes out in a burst, and he reaches out to take my hand and drops it just as quickly when he sees the ice in my eyes.
“What can I do?” he asks.
“I don’t know, Ian. I don’t know what you expect.”
“I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t come into town and not see you.”
“And you thought we’d jump right back where we left off, like we always do?”
He looks sheepish. That’s exactly what he thought.
I jump up off the couch. I have to keep some distance between us. I pace in front of him.
“You invited me to come see you, Ian. We even talked specific dates and then nothing. Months go by. And not just this time, but every time, we say goodbye and I never know if I’m even going to hear from you again!” My voice is getting louder and louder with every sentence. “Just when I think ‘it really is over this time’, you pop back up and everything’s just hunky-dory? I don’t get it!” I’m so mad, I want to cry. I take a deep breath instead. “You told me you thought you loved me. Not that I really believed it, but … how messed up is that? You say that and then leave again and I don’t hear from you for months again?”
I sit back down, but as far from him as I can get.
“I can’t keep doing this,” I say, feeling wrung out. “I’m sick of being out of sight, out of mind.”
The loud hum of my refrigerator is ominous in the otherwise silent room. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Ian tugging his hair until it’s a mess. It’s a wonder the guy has so much hair left on his head, what with all the yanking.
Finally, he speaks. “I’m so sorry, Sparrow. I … I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve wanted you to have the full college experience. You’re young; you need to do exactly what you want and not have any regrets later. That’s what I want for you. When I’m with you, though, I can’t see past you. I just want you and no one else, and I don’t want anyone else to have you either. That’s not fair.”
“That’s not your call,” I tell him. “I’ve only wanted you, and you keep leaving me on the roller coaster by myself.”
He inches closer to me, and I hold up my hand. He stops where he is and doesn’t go any further.
“I’m no good with relationships, Sparrow. I’m not.”
I laugh a dark, hollow laugh. “Yeah, that much I do know.”
“Not a single man in my family has managed to keep a relationship. Not one. They’ve all destroyed the women in their lives. My dad, worst of all. My mom was a strong woman whose only wrongdoing was loving him. He crushed her. Every day. At first she didn’t fight back, but when she did, the yelling and abuse would go for days on end. He wore her down until she was in the hospital, sick and incapable of surviving with him another day. As soon as she was away from him for any length of time, she got well again. She lost herself for a while, I didn’t know if I’d ever get her back. Now, you’d never know she was ever sick. But she wouldn’t be alive if she’d stayed with him. The Sterling men are cursed.”
I reach for his hand then, and he lifts his eyes to mine, grateful. “I don’t believe you’re cursed,” I tell him.
He runs his fingers over my hand and his expression is pained. “I’m not a good person, Sparrow. I … I’m not. I look at you and I see all the good and I know that I could never deserve someone like you.”
My eyes well up. “That’s not your call, either. I’m not perfect, Ian. And you are a good person. I don’t know everything there is to know about you, but I do know that much.”
His eyes go dark and he stands up, looking out my window. His shoulders are slumped, defeated. I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something. When he turns around, his features are soft again and he looks calmer.
“I think about you all the time. I just … I’m not good at this, and I don’t want to keep you all tied up in me when I’m such a mess…”
I wait for him to say more. It’s not quite enough.
He turns to face me then and takes my other hand in his. “You make me want to try. I almost feel like I could do it when I’m with you.”
“Could do what?” I’m a little confused.
“Be in a relationship. With you. I don’t really do the relationship thing, Sparrow.”
“What does that mean? You just sleep around with whoever appeals to you at the right place, right time?”
“Well, not exactly, although, I went through a phase of that … back when I was around your age.” He looks at me meaningfully then, making sure I’m listening. “I hope I’m a little smarter than that now, I don’t want my dick to fall off, after all … with all the…” He waves his arms around and stops when he sees the look on my face. “What?”
“Eww.”
“Which part?
“All of it.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to be honest with you. Should I have just said, ‘No, I don’t sleep around with random strangers’?”
I’m still trying to wipe the disgusted look off my face. “Yeah, maybe.”
He shakes his head and the corners of his mouth lift up, but he tries to hide it.
“What about when you’re not with me? What happens when you leave me?” I ask, finally throwing it all out there. “Do you have someone in every city? Friends who aren’t random strangers?”
“Well, I’m single. Of course, I have friends, but none of them have ever come close to making me feel what you did in just one conversation…”
I take that in and process it for a few minutes. I make the mistake of looking at him while I think. He’s intoxicating. And he’s staring at me like he will move heaven and earth to do whatever I ask. I pinch the inside of my elbow to see if this is really happening. “Yep!” I yelp.
His forehead creases and he comes back over to sit by me. “What just happened?”
“This is happening. I just had to pinch myself to be sure.”
He laughs then and the relief on his face is what gets to me most. He really does like me. I think he really does.
“What do you need from me? I’d like to try. To do this. Just—tell me what to do.” He looks so earnest I believe he means it.
“Well, for starters, you can’t assume that if we go months without talking, that we’ll pick right back up to acting like a couple when we do see each other again.”
He nods, his expression grave. “Agreed.”
“And you don’t have to call me all the time, but the nothing in between is definitely not working for me.”
“I can call. How much would you like me to call? What’s too much? What’s too little?”
“Well, how often do you want to talk to me?”
“Every minute of every day.” He lets out a small grin then.
I allow myself a small grin back, but then I dig right back
in. “And if you invite me to come see you and even set a date for me to do so, don’t you EVER back out of that without letting me know. And you better have a good reason for it if you do back out. There was no reason for you to just not even call and let me know if it wasn’t working or you changed your mind … or whatever happened.”
“I’m an ass.”
“Yes. That’s still no excuse.”
“You’re right. I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?”
“We’ll see,” I answer.
“Can I hug you?” he asks.
“Yes,” I whisper.
His arms wrap around me and I love how I feel almost petite in his huge arms. My long gangly arms are tiny in comparison. His heart is pounding through our shirts and it endears him to me more. He seems so fragile right now, so vulnerable. I close my eyes and even though I’m afraid to hope, I want to believe him. I want him more than I want to be safe. I want him more than I want to stay sane. I want him more than I want anything.
“It’s probably not going to work for you to call every minute of every day.”
“Damn, I’ve already blown it.”
The smile is bigger this time—I can’t stop it. He leans over and kisses me lightly. It makes me dizzy.
He pulls back. “I’m not going to ask you to only belong to me, Little Bird. As much as I want you all to myself, I still think you need to enjoy your next couple years at school and not be too hung up on me.”
I put my hands on his lips. “I’m already hung up on you.”
He puts a hand on each side of my face and kisses me again. “Still. I’m serious. You should date other people. But only when I’m not around. When we’re in the same city, you’re mine.”
I wonder if the same is true for him. I’m his when he’s not around. Is he mine? I don’t ask this, though. My head is swimming with the way things have turned right side up again. And truth be told, I’m afraid I might not really want to know the answer to that question. What does this mean for all of his friends? I decide to take a risk and not try to figure it all out today.
Before I can panic with where my thoughts are already leading me, his lips are on mine again, silencing anything but the lust that is rousing from its sleep. I can’t think straight when he does that with his tongue. My knees really do go weak, and I hang onto him for dear life. I want to feel his skin on mine.
Thoughts of Asher rush in my mind and nearly knock me over. I really am a slut. It’s only been a couple of weeks since I ended up naked in Asher’s bed with no memory of what happened the night before and now I’m going all weak from wanting to rip off Ian’s clothes.
The guilt is an all-consuming cloud, threatening to open up and soak me with rain. My brief minutes of genuine happiness are now drenched. I back away from Ian and clear my throat. He looks concerned.
“Are you okay, Little Bird? What’s wrong?”
“I’m no better than you,” I say. “Trust me.”
His seductive grin is back. “No, I’m way worse than you, I promise.”
“No, really.”
“No, you really.”
I playfully push against his chest. His hard, muscled chest. He doesn’t even budge. I close my eyes and lean my head against him.
Almost as if he’s heard my thoughts, he says softly, “I’m yours, Sparrow. If you’ll have me, I’m yours.”
I don’t say anything. I’m not sure what to think just yet.
“I’d like to take you somewhere. I think you’ll like it.” He runs his hands up and down my arms.
I look up at him. “Where?”
He holds out his hand. “Come on, let’s go.”
We grab a cab and pull up to Cupcake Heaven. I’ve heard of this place, but I’ve never been. The display case is magical. The flowers on the cupcakes are dreamy, so elegant.
“They’re so beautiful. How can we eat them? They’re too pretty to eat.”
“Oh, but they taste so good.” He kisses my hand. “Almost as good as you.”
My skin goes hot. I wonder if this does last between us, if I will ever be cured of the splotches around him.
The girl behind the corner gets flustered when she sees Ian. Clearly she recognizes him. “Hi, Ian, how are you?
“Hey, Daisy. I am great.” His eyes crinkle as he smiles over at me.
She nods and smiles, glancing at me briefly before her eyes are drawn back to Ian. I understand. I can’t stop looking at him either.
“One second, I have your order in the back.”
I raise my eyebrow at him. Order?
She goes through the door and when she returns she has a large white box with a cute sticker that says Sparrow.
Now I’m raising both eyebrows at him. And he looks a little embarrassed.
He leans down and whispers in my ear, “So I may have called in this order BEFORE you and I spoke this morning.” He stands up tall and waits for my reaction.
“Kinda presumptuous of you to assume I’d even be speaking to you after all the…” I wave my arms back and forth between the two of us.
“You’re completely right. I won’t make that mistake again,” he vows. “But you are here, aren’t you?”
I glare at him until I see his shoulders shake. He’s teasing me again. I bite the insides of my cheek to keep from smiling.
I shove him, this time hard enough to make him step back. He’s laughing, and he looks absolutely beautiful. The sun shines through the windows and highlights him just so…
He grabs me and holds me close. “I’m sorry, baby. I wasn’t even thinking. You might have to set me straight on the protocol of keeping you … happy.”
“I’m not hard to please.”
Poor Daisy. I finally realize she’s been standing there the whole time, her head following us back and forth. Her mouth is hanging slightly open and she looks envious.
“I’m sorry,” I tell Daisy as I take the box, “don’t mind us. Since it has my name on it, does that mean I can open it?”
“It sure does, Little Bird.” Ian smiles sweetly.
I open up the box and gasp. Nestled inside are 6 cupcakes. The frosting is Tiffany blue and on every cupcake is a beautiful white sparrow, each one unique.
“They’re perfect! I love them. Thank you!” I look at Ian and lay my head on his shoulder and then look at Daisy. “Did you make these?”
She nods shyly.
“They’re spectacular. Each one.”
“Thank you,” she murmurs.
“Which one are you going to eat first?” Ian asks.
“Oh, I can’t eat them. No. I won’t be able to do that.”
Ian lets go of me. “Nuh-uh. I will buy you more, baby. You’re eating these.” He looks up at the menu. “Need a coffee to go with it?”
He might be relationship-delayed, but he sure knows how to do some things right.
We take our cupcakes—Ian bought a few for himself, so he wouldn’t be eating all of mine—and we walk over to Bryant Park. We sit close enough to hear the piano player but away from all the people. Our own little cupcake picnic.
Ian takes a cupcake out of my box and gently removes the paper. He leans over and puts it in front of my lips, waiting for me to take a bite. I look at him nervously. It’s gigantic; I don’t know how I’ll ever get it in my mouth. The frosting makes it a MASSIVE cupcake. I realize there is no way to look sexy and get the thing eaten, so I just go for it. I open all the way and…
“Ohhhh. Myyyy. GOD. It’s sooooo goooooood. Mmmm,” I moan and close my eyes.
“Hell, baby, you’re causing problems for me,” he says against my lips. “Moan like that again and I can’t be responsible for what I do.” He licks the frosting off my mouth and then with his finger, he adds more frosting and repeats the process. When his tongue has certainly gotten all the frosting, he lifts the cupcake back up for me to take another bite. His pupils are taking over, like glistening black onyx.
I take another huge bite. “Mmmmmmm.” I’m not even putting on. It?
??s seriously the best thing I’ve ever eaten.
He doesn’t just lightly lick the frosting this time. He grips my face tight and plunges his tongue down my mouth. He’s not messing around. I think he wants some of my cupcake for himself. I’m happy to give it to him.
By the time we’ve completely violated one cupcake, we’re both sticky and incredibly turned on.
- 13 -
“So I haven’t even asked yet, what are you doing in town?”
We’re back on my side of town. After getting all hot and bothered with the cupcakes, we decided to drop the rest off at my place and try to behave in the daylight. At least, I think that’s what we’ve decided. I might be tempted to misbehave more if the situation presents itself. For now, we’re walking around the Village.
“I’m playing with Jagged this weekend. They’re coming in tomorrow and have sold-out shows tomorrow night and Saturday night. I came a day early to see you.”
“Good thing I was in town.” I can’t resist throwing that out there.
He nods and looks at me with that hangdog expression that just seems to melt me more. “Yes, it is.”
“I’m going home on Monday, so I really am glad I didn’t miss you.”
He leans over and kisses my cheek. “Me too. I’m sorry I was such a ‘presumptuous’ bastard.”
Forgiven. “Just don’t let it happen again,” I say firmly.
“Agreed. I will do my best to never assume,” he promises. “The bastard part, I can’t guarantee. Speaking of presumptuous … I sorta surprised you today by just showing up. If you need to be doing something else, I completely understand.”
I stop in front of a used bookstore and rifle through their sale cart. “No, I had a couple errands and laundry on the agenda. Nothing exciting. Just been getting ready to be gone for a few weeks and Tessa’s spending every minute with Jared.” I grin thinking about how cute they are together.
“I do have tickets for you, if you’d like to come. Both nights, if you want. Tessa and Jared too…”
“That sounds fun.” I look up at him and can’t believe we’re here, doing everyday things and feeling more like a real couple than we ever have.