the others scrunched up their green faces like they were trying to figure out if they’d just been insulted.
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” I found myself calling to the sprite queen. Whoa. Since when did I go around spouting cheesy sayings?
“You sound like an adventurer already!” said Anthony, grinning. “They’re always chiming in with wisdom.”
“Wisdom?” I repeated. I didn’t know if kindergarten lessons were all that wise.
But the “wisdom” seemed to get through to Olra as she bowed her head. “I apologize,” she said. “I didn’t mean to offend. I would like us to find a compromise.”
My mind churned. I doubted that sprites and dragons would ever get along. Still, just because they couldn’t be friends didn’t mean they couldn’t help each other out.
“All right!” I said, clapping my hands. “This is what we’re going to do.” I turned to the dragons. “Because you destroyed the sprites’ villages, you’re going to help them rebuild.”
“What about them?” said Sam, pointing at the sprites. “Will you have them help us, too?’
“Yes,” I said.
“What?” the sprites cried all around me. Their wings started to buzz with annoyance.
“Hear me out!” I said, getting to my feet. Luckily, that worked to get everyone to quiet down. “This whole war is about treasure. We know the dragons can’t make their own treasure, which is why they steal it. But the sprites, you guys make treasure all the time! So what if the dragons helped you with all the heavy-lifting stuff that drains your magic, and in exchange you paid them with shiny things that they could add to their junk piles…er, I mean, to their collections?”
The creatures eyed each other warily. It was clear the last thing they wanted to do was to work together.
“Look, if you’d rather keep fighting, that’s fine,” I said, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “But you asked for my help, and I’m giving it to you. So, do we have a deal?”
The dragons and the sprites whispered furiously amongst themselves. Their whispers rose and fell as they argued. The longer it went on, the less hopeful I got. These were not the faces of creatures who were willing to compromise.
I glanced at Anthony, whose grin had faded. Obviously, he thought I’d messed things up.
Great. My one shot to prove that I could be an adventurer, and I’d failed. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter. If all magical creatures were only concerned with weird things like chair ownership, maybe this wasn’t the job for me anyway. But the truth was, I could feel the disappointment welling up inside of me. This had been my chance to make my life into something amazing. Tomorrow, I’d just be a regular kid again.
Finally, the whispering stopped and the king and queen came to stand in front of me. I took a deep breath, preparing for the bad news. (And getting ready to run in case another round of fighting broke out.)
“Adventurer,” Olra said with a little bow. “We accept your terms.”
I stared at her. “You what?”
“We apologize to the sprites,” Sam announced. “We didn’t mean to burn everything. And we promise to help them rebuild”—his eyes twinkled—“as long as we get some shiny treasure in return.”
I couldn’t believe it. My plan had worked!
“Oh, good,” I said, trying to play it cool, as if I’d known things would turn out okay from the start. “And make sure to keep the peace from now on, okay? You don’t want me to have to come back here.”
Sam nodded. Then he turned and took something from one of the smallest dragons and held it out to me. I realized it was a bouquet of rusty spoons.
“We thank you, Adventurer,” said Sam.
“Um, you’re welcome,” I said, taking the bouquet. It wasn’t exactly the kind of reward Anthony had promised me, but it still felt nice to be thanked.
Queen Olra came forward and waved her pale fingers. Suddenly, a crown of delicate silver flowers appeared in my hands. It was so amazing that it barely looked real.
“A token of our gratitude,” she said before bowing and striding away.
“See?” said Anthony, coming up beside me. “I told you that you were a natural!”
I couldn’t believe it. I’d gone to a magical world. I’d managed to talk dragons and sprites into not fighting each other. It hadn’t felt like I’d done all that much, but it had worked. Maybe I really was a natural.
Suddenly, there was a loud pop! behind me. I glanced over to see the purple duck materialize on the edge of the clearing. It looked at me and smiled. “Quack,” it said, almost like it was telling me I’d done a good job. Then it waddled into the woods and disappeared.
“Now what do we do?” I said to Anthony as the dragons and sprites wandered off in different directions.
“Well, if you think adventuring is really for you,” he said, “then I just need you to sign this.” He held out a blank piece of paper and a crayon.
“What’s that? A contract or something?”
“Just a way to make this all official,” said Anthony. He popped a hunk of chocolate into his mouth. I was starting to suspect he was kind of a sugar addict.
Was I ready to make this official? I tried to imagine my life as an adventurer, but it was impossible. I had no idea what else I’d encounter if I decided to take this job. But how could I say no? After years of feeling like something was missing in my life, I finally had a chance to do something about it.
I grabbed the crayon and stared at the paper for a second. Then I took a deep breath and scrawled my name. But somehow it didn’t look right. Finally, I realized what the problem was. I picked up the crayon again and wrote: Jenny the Adventurer. There. That was perfect.
###
An UnFairy Cast of Characters
Jenny the Adventurer breaks down the colorful characters from My Very UnFairy Tale Life.
Anthony
My magical gnome guide who spends every second of the day stuffing his face with candy. He and I have very different opinions about what “life-threatening” actually means.
Location: Anywhere in the magical worlds
Likes: Candy, ice cream, and corn (the candy variety)
Dislikes: Being bothered with “small” things like killer unicorns
Aunt Evie
My aunt and my legal guardian (ever since my parents went missing). She’s an animal psychotherapist which means that she treats animals like they’re people and people like they’re aliens. She means well, but she kind of exists in her own universe.
Location: Good Ol’ Earth
Likes: Earl Gray Tea, lots of it
Dislikes: Normal human interaction
The Committee
A creepy collective of old women who talk in unison and rule the magical worlds. They think everything can be solved with proper paperwork. Whatever you do, don’t bring your cell phone when you go to see them.
Location: Secret for their protection
Likes: Rubber stamps
Dislikes: Unsigned documents
Crong
A magical, talking frog who likes to wear a little blue cape (maybe because it makes him feel like a sorcerer?). He used to be an actor, but now he’s part of the Speaker’s League which means he spends his time working to undo Klarr’s curse and get everyone’s mouths back.
Location: The Land of Speak
Likes: Anything melodramatic (including Halga)
Dislikes: Evil, mouth-hating sorcerers
Dr. Bradley
For a while he was just the sweet old man down the street who always had homemade pudding on hand, but then I found out he was actually a lot more than that. I feel better knowing he’s always looking out for me.
Location: Earth (mostly)
Likes: Treasures (i.e. junk)
Dislikes: Anyone who tries to hurt me
Halga
A big, flying monster that looks like a cross between a firefly and a submarine. She used to be an actress
, but now she guards castles. If she ever gets anywhere near Crong, watch out; she’ll go totally gaga.
Location: The Land of Speak
Likes: Shiny things
Dislikes: Non-shiny things
Klarr
The creepiest, scariest sorcerer you’ll ever meet. Did I mention he’s a clown? And that he smiles all the time even though he doesn’t have a mouth? Thanks to him, the Land of Speak is the quietest place in the universe.
Location: The Land of Speak
Likes: Torturing people in his circus act
Dislikes: Mouths
Melissa
One of my super best friends from home. She loves music and wants to become a famous singer one day. Or at least, she did before she and Trish decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.
Location: Good Ol’ Earth
Likes: Music and cute boys
Dislikes: Bad haircuts
Prince Lamb
The prince of the Land of Speak who happens to be a lamb (though for a short time, he made a pretty cute boy). He knows how to turn his princely charm on full-force, which can make even lunch ladies swoon.
Location: The Land of Speak
Likes: Long walks through grassy fields
Dislikes: Cowardice
Ribba
A talking frog with some magical abilities. She wears a little red cape and her green skin is covered with henna-like tattoos. She used to be an animal stylist before she joined the League and became Crong’s partner.
Location: The Land of Speak
Likes: Looking fashionable
Dislikes: Tacky eye shadow
Trish
One of my super best friends from home. She’s a total