LOSS OF BREATH
O Breathe not, etc. --Moore's Melodies
THE MOST notorious ill-fortune must in the end yield to the untiringcourage of philosophy--as the most stubborn city to the ceaselessvigilance of an enemy. Shalmanezer, as we have it in holy writings,lay three years before Samaria; yet it fell. Sardanapalus--seeDiodorus--maintained himself seven in Nineveh; but to no purpose. Troyexpired at the close of the second lustrum; and Azoth, as Aristaeusdeclares upon his honour as a gentleman, opened at last her gatesto Psammetichus, after having barred them for the fifth part of acentury....
Thou wretch!--thou vixen!--thou shrew! said I to my wife onthe morning after our wedding; thou witch!--thou hag!--thouwhippersnapper--thou sink of iniquity!--thou fiery-faced quintessence ofall that is abominable!--thou--thou- here standing upon tiptoe,seizing her by the throat, and placing my mouth close to her ear, I waspreparing to launch forth a new and more decided epithet of opprobrium,which should not fail, if ejaculated, to convince her of herinsignificance, when to my extreme horror and astonishment I discoveredthat I had lost my breath.
The phrases I am out of breath, I have lost my breath, etc., areoften enough repeated in common conversation; but it had never occurredto me that the terrible accident of which I speak could bona fide andactually happen! Imagine--that is if you have a fanciful turn--imagine,I say, my wonder--my consternation--my despair!
There is a good genius, however, which has never entirely deserted me.In my most ungovernable moods I still retain a sense of propriety, et lechemin des passions me conduit--as Lord Edouard in the Julie says itdid him--a la philosophie veritable.
Although I could not at first precisely ascertain to what degree theoccurrence had affected me, I determined at all events to conceal thematter from my wife, until further experience should discover to methe extent of this my unheard of calamity. Altering my countenance,therefore, in a moment, from its bepuffed and distorted appearance, toan expression of arch and coquettish benignity, I gave my lady a pat onthe one cheek, and a kiss on the other, and without saying one syllable(Furies! I could not), left her astonished at my drollery, as Ipirouetted out of the room in a Pas de Zephyr.
Behold me then safely ensconced in my private boudoir, a fearfulinstance of the ill consequences attending upon irascibility--alive,with the qualifications of the dead--dead, with the propensities ofthe living--an anomaly on the face of the earth--being very calm, yetbreathless.
Yes! breathless. I am serious in asserting that my breath was entirelygone. I could not have stirred with it a feather if my life had been atissue, or sullied even the delicacy of a mirror. Hard fate!--yet therewas some alleviation to the first overwhelming paroxysm of my sorrow. Ifound, upon trial, that the powers of utterance which, upon my inabilityto proceed in the conversation with my wife, I then concluded to betotally destroyed, were in fact only partially impeded, and I discoveredthat had I, at that interesting crisis, dropped my voice to a singularlydeep guttural, I might still have continued to her the communication ofmy sentiments; this pitch of voice (the guttural) depending, I find, notupon the current of the breath, but upon a certain spasmodic action ofthe muscles of the throat.
Throwing myself upon a chair, I remained for some time absorbed inmeditation. My reflections, be sure, were of no consolatory kind. Athousand vague and lachrymatory fancies took possession of my soul--andeven the idea of suicide flitted across my brain; but it is a trait inthe perversity of human nature to reject the obvious and the ready, forthe far-distant and equivocal. Thus I shuddered at self-murder as themost decided of atrocities while the tabby cat purred strenuously uponthe rug, and the very water dog wheezed assiduously under the table,each taking to itself much merit for the strength of its lungs, and allobviously done in derision of my own pulmonary incapacity.
Oppressed with a tumult of vague hopes and fears, I at length heard thefootsteps of my wife descending the staircase. Being now assured ofher absence, I returned with a palpitating heart to the scene of mydisaster.
Carefully locking the door on the inside, I commenced a vigorous search.It was possible, I thought, that, concealed in some obscure corner, orlurking in some closet or drawer, might be found the lost object of myinquiry. It might have a vapory--it might even have a tangible form.Most philosophers, upon many points of philosophy, are still veryunphilosophical. William Godwin, however, says in his Mandeville, thatinvisible things are the only realities, and this, all will allow, isa case in point. I would have the judicious reader pause before accusingsuch asseverations of an undue quantum of absurdity. Anaxagoras, itwill be remembered, maintained that snow is black, and this I have sincefound to be the case.
Long and earnestly did I continue the investigation: but thecontemptible reward of my industry and perseverance proved to be onlya set of false teeth, two pair of hips, an eye, and a bundle ofbillets-doux from Mr. Windenough to my wife. I might as well hereobserve that this confirmation of my lady's partiality for Mr. W.occasioned me little uneasiness. That Mrs. Lackobreath should admireanything so dissimilar to myself was a natural and necessary evil. I am,it is well known, of a robust and corpulent appearance, and at thesame time somewhat diminutive in stature. What wonder, then, that thelath-like tenuity of my acquaintance, and his altitude, which has growninto a proverb, should have met with all due estimation in the eyes ofMrs. Lackobreath. But to return.
My exertions, as I have before said, proved fruitless. Closet aftercloset--drawer after drawer--corner after corner--were scrutinized tono purpose. At one time, however, I thought myself sure of my prize,having, in rummaging a dressing-case, accidentally demolished a bottleof Grandjean's Oil of Archangels--which, as an agreeable perfume, I heretake the liberty of recommending.
With a heavy heart I returned to my boudoir--there to ponder upon somemethod of eluding my wife's penetration, until I could make arrangementsprior to my leaving the country, for to this I had already made upmy mind. In a foreign climate, being unknown, I might, with someprobability of success, endeavor to conceal my unhappy calamity--acalamity calculated, even more than beggary, to estrange the affectionsof the multitude, and to draw down upon the wretch the well-meritedindignation of the virtuous and the happy. I was not long in hesitation.Being naturally quick, I committed to memory the entire tragedy ofMetamora. I had the good fortune to recollect that in the accentuationof this drama, or at least of such portion of it as is allotted tothe hero, the tones of voice in which I found myself deficient werealtogether unnecessary, and the deep guttural was expected to reignmonotonously throughout.
I practised for some time by the borders of a well frequentedmarsh;--herein, however, having no reference to a similar proceeding ofDemosthenes, but from a design peculiarly and conscientiously my own.Thus armed at all points, I determined to make my wife believe that Iwas suddenly smitten with a passion for the stage. In this, I succeededto a miracle; and to every question or suggestion found myself atliberty to reply in my most frog-like and sepulchral tones with somepassage from the tragedy--any portion of which, as I soon took greatpleasure in observing, would apply equally well to any particularsubject. It is not to be supposed, however, that in the delivery ofsuch passages I was found at all deficient in the looking asquint--theshowing my teeth--the working my knees--the shuffling my feet--or inany of those unmentionable graces which are now justly consideredthe characteristics of a popular performer. To be sure they spoke ofconfining me in a strait-jacket--but, good God! they never suspected meof having lost my breath.
Having at length put my affairs in order, I took my seat very early onemorning in the mail stage for--, giving it to be understood, amongmy acquaintances, that business of the last importance required myimmediate personal attendance in that city.
The coach was crammed to repletion; but in the uncertain twilight thefeatures of my companions could not be distinguished. Without makingany effectual resistance, I suffered myself to be placed between twogentlemen of colossal dimensions; while a third, of a size larger,requesting pardon for the liberty he was about to take, threw himselfupon my body at full length, and falling asleep in an instant, drownedall my guttural ejaculations for relief, in a snore which would have putto blush the roarings of the bull of Phalaris. Happily the state of myrespiratory faculties rendered suffocation an accident entirely out ofthe question.
As, however, the day broke more distinctly in our approach to theoutskirts of the city, my tormentor, arising and adjusting hisshirt-collar, thanked me in a very friendly manner for my civility.Seeing that I remained motionless (all my limbs were dislocated and myhead twisted on one side), his apprehensions began to be excited; andarousing the rest of the passengers, he communicated, in a very decidedmanner, his opinion that a dead man had been palmed upon them during thenight for a living and responsible fellow-traveller; here giving mea thump on the right eye, by way of demonstrating the truth of hissuggestion.
Hereupon all, one after another (there were nine in company), believedit their duty to pull me by the ear. A young practising physician, too,having applied a pocket-mirror to my mouth, and found me without breath,the assertion of my persecutor was pronounced a true bill; and the wholeparty expressed a determination to endure tamely no such impositions forthe future, and to proceed no farther with any such carcasses for thepresent.
I was here, accordingly, thrown out at the sign of the Crow (by whichtavern the coach happened to be passing), without meeting with anyfarther accident than the breaking of both my arms, under the left hindwheel of the vehicle. I must besides do the driver the justice to statethat he did not forget to throw after me the largest of my trunks,which, unfortunately falling on my head, fractured my skull in a mannerat once interesting and extraordinary.
The landlord of the Crow, who is a hospitable man, finding that mytrunk contained sufficient to indemnify him for any little troublehe might take in my behalf, sent forthwith for a surgeon of hisacquaintance, and delivered me to his care with a bill and receipt forten dollars.
The purchaser took me to his apartments and commenced operationsimmediately. Having cut off my ears, however, he discovered signs ofanimation. He now rang the bell, and sent for a neighboring apothecarywith whom to consult in the emergency. In case of his suspicions withregard to my existence proving ultimately correct, he, in the meantime,made an incision in my stomach, and removed several of my viscera forprivate dissection.
The apothecary had an idea that I was actually dead. This idea Iendeavored to confute, kicking and plunging with all my might, andmaking the most furious contortions--for the operations of the surgeonhad, in a measure, restored me to the possession of my faculties.All, however, was attributed to the effects of a new galvanic battery,wherewith the apothecary, who is really a man of information, performedseveral curious experiments, in which, from my personal share in theirfulfillment, I could not help feeling deeply interested. It was a courseof mortification to me, nevertheless, that although I made severalattempts at conversation, my powers of speech were so entirely inabeyance, that I could not even open my mouth; much less, then, makereply to some ingenious but fanciful theories of which, under othercircumstances, my minute acquaintance with the Hippocratian pathologywould have afforded me a ready confutation.
Not being able to arrive at a conclusion, the practitioners remanded mefor farther examination. I was taken up into a garret; and the surgeon'slady having accommodated me with drawers and stockings, thesurgeon himself fastened my hands, and tied up my jaws with apocket-handkerchief--then bolted the door on the outside as he hurriedto his dinner, leaving me alone to silence and to meditation.
I now discovered to my extreme delight that I could have spoken had notmy mouth been tied up with the pocket-handkerchief. Consoling myselfwith this reflection, I was mentally repeating some passages of theOmnipresence of the Deity, as is my custom before resigning myself tosleep, when two cats, of a greedy and vituperative turn, entering at ahole in the wall, leaped up with a flourish a la Catalani, and alightingopposite one another on my visage, betook themselves to indecorouscontention for the paltry consideration of my nose.
But, as the loss of his ears proved the means of elevating to the throneof Cyrus, the Magian or Mige-Gush of Persia, and as the cutting off hisnose gave Zopyrus possession of Babylon, so the loss of a few ounces ofmy countenance proved the salvation of my body. Aroused by the pain, andburning with indignation, I burst, at a single effort, the fasteningsand the bandage. Stalking across the room I cast a glance of contempt atthe belligerents, and throwing open the sash to their extreme horror anddisappointment, precipitated myself, very dexterously, from the window.this moment passing from the city jail to the scaffold erected for hisexecution in the suburbs. His extreme infirmity and long continuedill health had obtained him the privilege of remaining unmanacled; andhabited in his gallows costume--one very similar to my own,--he lay atfull length in the bottom of the hangman's cart (which happened to beunder the windows of the surgeon at the moment of my precipitation)without any other guard than the driver, who was asleep, and tworecruits of the sixth infantry, who were drunk.
As ill-luck would have it, I alit upon my feet within the vehicle.immediately, he bolted out behind, and turning down an alley, was out ofsight in the twinkling of an eye. The recruits, aroused by the bustle,could not exactly comprehend the merits of the transaction. Seeing,however, a man, the precise counterpart of the felon, standingupright in the cart before their eyes, they were of (so they expressedthemselves,) and, having communicated this opinion to one another, theytook each a dram, and then knocked me down with the butt-ends of theirmuskets.
It was not long ere we arrived at the place of destination. Of coursenothing could be said in my defence. Hanging was my inevitable fate. Iresigned myself thereto with a feeling half stupid, half acrimonious.Being little of a cynic, I had all the sentiments of a dog. The hangman,however, adjusted the noose about my neck. The drop fell.
I forbear to depict my sensations upon the gallows; although here,undoubtedly, I could speak to the point, and it is a topic upon whichnothing has been well said. In fact, to write upon such a theme it isnecessary to have been hanged. Every author should confine himself tomatters of experience. Thus Mark Antony composed a treatise upon gettingdrunk.
I may just mention, however, that die I did not. My body was, but Ihad no breath to be, suspended; and but for the knot under my left ear(which had the feel of a military stock) I dare say that I should haveexperienced very little inconvenience. As for the jerk given to my neckupon the falling of the drop, it merely proved a corrective to the twistafforded me by the fat gentleman in the coach.
For good reasons, however, I did my best to give the crowd the worth oftheir trouble. My convulsions were said to be extraordinary. My spasmsit would have been difficult to beat. The populace encored. Severalgentlemen swooned; and a multitude of ladies were carried home inhysterics. Pinxit availed himself of the opportunity to retouch, froma sketch taken upon the spot, his admirable painting of the Marsyasflayed alive.
When I had afforded sufficient amusement, it was thought proper toremove my body from the gallows;--this the more especially as the realculprit had in the meantime been retaken and recognized, a fact which Iwas so unlucky as not to know.
Much sympathy was, of course, exercised in my behalf, and as no one madeclaim to my corpse, it was ordered that I should be interred in a publicvault.
Here, after due interval, I was deposited. The sexton departed, and Iwas left alone. A line of Marston's Malcontent--
Death's a good fellow and keeps open house--struck me at that moment asa palpable lie.
I knocked off, however, the lid of my coffin, and stepped out. The placewas dreadfully dreary and damp, and I became troubled with ennui. By wayof amusement, I felt my way among the numerous coffins ranged in orderaround. I lifted them down, one by one, and breaking open their lids,busied myself in speculations about the mortality within.
This, I soliloquized, tumbling over a carcass, puffy, bloated,and rotund--this has been, no doubt, in every sense of the word, anunhappy--an unfortunate man. It has been his terrible lot not to walkbut to waddle--to pass through life not like a human being, but like anelephant--not like a man, but like a rhinoceros.
His attempts at getting on have been mere abortions, and hiscircumgyratory proceedings a palpable failure. Taking a step forward, ithas been his misfortune to take two toward the right, and three towardthe left. His studies have been confined to the poetry of Crabbe. He canhave no idea of the wonder of a pirouette. To him a pas de papillon hasbeen an abstract conception. He has never ascended the summit of a hill.He has never viewed from any steeple the glories of a metropolis. Heathas been his mortal enemy. In the dog-days his days have been thedays of a dog. Therein, he has dreamed of flames and suffocation--ofmountains upon mountains--of Pelion upon Ossa. He was short ofbreath--to say all in a word, he was short of breath. He thought itextravagant to play upon wind instruments. He was the inventor ofself-moving fans, wind-sails, and ventilators. He patronized Du Pont thebellows-maker, and he died miserably in attempting to smoke a cigar. Hiswas a case in which I feel a deep interest--a lot in which I sincerelysympathize.
But here,--said I--here--and I dragged spitefully from itsreceptacle a gaunt, tall and peculiar-looking form, whose remarkableappearance struck me with a sense of unwelcome familiarity--here is awretch entitled to no earthly commiseration. Thus saying, in orderto obtain a more distinct view of my subject, I applied my thumb andforefinger to its nose, and causing it to assume a sitting position uponthe ground, held it thus, at the length of my arm, while I continued mysoliloquy.
Entitled, I repeated, to no earthly commiseration. Who indeed wouldthink of compassioning a shadow? Besides, has he not had his fullshare of the blessings of mortality? He was the originator of tallmonuments--shot-towers--lightning-rods--Lombardy poplars. His treatiseupon Shades and Shadows has immortalized him. He edited withdistinguished ability the last edition of South on the Bones. Hewent early to college and studied pneumatics. He then came home, talkedeternally, and played upon the French-horn. He patronized the bagpipes.Captain Barclay, who walked against Time, would not walk against him.Windham and Allbreath were his favorite writers,--his favorite artist,Phiz. He died gloriously while inhaling gas--levique flatu corrupitur,like the fama pudicitae in Hieronymus. {*1} He was indubitably a--
How can you?--how--can--you?--interrupted the object of myanimadversions, gasping for breath, and tearing off, with a desperateexertion, the bandage around its jaws--how can you, Mr. Lackobreath, beso infernally cruel as to pinch me in that manner by the nose? Did younot see how they had fastened up my mouth--and you must know--if youknow any thing--how vast a superfluity of breath I have to dispose of!If you do not know, however, sit down and you shall see. In my situationit is really a great relief to be able to open ones mouth--to be able toexpatiate--to be able to communicate with a person like yourself, who donot think yourself called upon at every period to interrupt the threadof a gentleman's discourse. Interruptions are annoying and shouldundoubtedly be abolished--don't you think so?--no reply, I beg you,--oneperson is enough to be speaking at a time.--I shall be done by andby, and then you may begin.--How the devil sir, did you get into thisplace?--not a word I beseech you--been here some time myself--terribleaccident!--heard of it, I suppose?--awful calamity!--walking underyour windows--some short while ago--about the time you werestage-struck--horrible occurrence!--heard of catching one's breath,eh?--hold your tongue I tell you!--I caught somebody elses!--had alwaystoo much of my own--met Blab at the corner of the street--wouldn't giveme a chance for a word--couldn't get in a syllable edgeways--attacked,consequently, with epilepsis--Blab made his escape--damn allfools!--they took me up for dead, and put me in this place--prettydoings all of them!--heard all you said about me--every word alie--horrible!--wonderful--outrageous!--hideous!--incomprehensible!--etcetera--et cetera--et cetera--et cetera-
It is impossible to conceive my astonishment at so unexpected adiscourse, or the joy with which I became gradually convinced that thebreath so fortunately caught by the gentleman (whom I soon recognized asmy neighbor Windenough) was, in fact, the identical expirationmislaid by myself in the conversation with my wife. Time, place, andcircumstances rendered it a matter beyond question. I did not atleast during the long period in which the inventor of Lombardy poplarscontinued to favor me with his explanations.
In this respect I was actuated by that habitual prudence which has everbeen my predominating trait. I reflected that many difficulties mightstill lie in the path of my preservation which only extreme exertion onmy part would be able to surmount. Many persons, I considered, are proneto estimate commodities in their possession--however valueless to thethen proprietor--however troublesome, or distressing--in direct ratiowith the advantages to be derived by others from their attainment, or bythemselves from their abandonment. Might not this be the case with Mr.Windenough? In displaying anxiety for the breath of which he was atpresent so willing to get rid, might I not lay myself open to theexactions of his avarice? There are scoundrels in this world,I remembered with a sigh, who will not scruple to take unfairopportunities with even a next door neighbor, and (this remark is fromEpictetus) it is precisely at that time when men are most anxious tothrow off the burden of their own calamities that they feel the leastdesirous of relieving them in others.
Upon considerations similar to these, and still retaining my grasp uponthe nose of Mr. W., I accordingly thought proper to model my reply.
Monster! I began in a tone of the deepest indignation--monsterand double-winded idiot!--dost thou, whom for thine iniquities it haspleased heaven to accurse with a two-fold respimtion--dost thou, Isay, presume to address me in the familiar language of an oldacquaintance?--'I lie,' forsooth! and 'hold my tongue,' to besure!--pretty conversation indeed, to a gentleman with a singlebreath!--all this, too, when I have it in my power to relieve thecalamity under which thou dost so justly suffer--to curtail thesuperfluities of thine unhappy respiration.
Like Brutus, I paused for a reply--with which, like a tornado, Mr.Windenough immediately overwhelmed me. Protestation followed uponprotestation, and apology upon apology. There were no terms with whichhe was unwilling to comply, and there were none of which I failed totake the fullest advantage.
Preliminaries being at length arranged, my acquaintance delivered methe respiration; for which (having carefully examined it) I gave himafterward a receipt.
I am aware that by many I shall be held to blame for speaking in amanner so cursory, of a transaction so impalpable. It will be thoughtthat I should have entered more minutely, into the details of anoccurrence by which--and this is very true--much new light might bethrown upon a highly interesting branch of physical philosophy.
To all this I am sorry that I cannot reply. A hint is the only answerwhich I am permitted to make. There were circumstances--but I thinkit much safer upon consideration to say as little as possible about anaffair so delicate--so delicate, I repeat, and at the time involving theinterests of a third party whose sulphurous resentment I have not theleast desire, at this moment, of incurring.
We were not long after this necessary arrangement in effecting anescape from the dungeons of the sepulchre. The united strength of ourresuscitated voices was soon sufficiently apparent. Scissors, theWhig editor, republished a treatise upon the nature and originof subterranean noises. A reply--rejoinder--confutation--andjustification--followed in the columns of a Democratic Gazette. It wasnot until the opening of the vault to decide the controversy, that theappearance of Mr. Windenough and myself proved both parties to have beendecidedly in the wrong.
I cannot conclude these details of some very singular passages in alife at all times sufficiently eventful, without again recalling to theattention of the reader the merits of that indiscriminate philosophywhich is a sure and ready shield against those shafts of calamity whichcan neither be seen, felt nor fully understood. It was in the spirit ofthis wisdom that, among the ancient Hebrews, it was believed the gatesof Heaven would be inevitably opened to that sinner, or saint, who, withgood lungs and implicit confidence, should vociferate the word Amen!It was in the spirit of this wisdom that, when a great plague ragedat Athens, and every means had been in vain attempted for itsremoval, Epimenides, as Laertius relates, in his second book, of thatphilosopher, advised the erection of a shrine and temple to the properGod.
LYTTLETON BARRY.