***
Morris woke lying on the edge of his bed wrapped so tightly in his blankets that the shock of the knocking at the door made him wriggle to get up, but as his arms and legs were bound tightly he fell with a loud thud and a POP onto the floor.
Dishevelled and dazed he looked up to Doctor Grunk, whose hair looked alarmed as he burst through the door.
‘Everything OK Morris?’
‘Er, yes, fine thanks Doctor…didn’t sleep too well last night,’ he mumbled.
‘Yes, I apologise about that, some of our other, erm, patients, can be a bit unsettling,’ said the Doctor.
Morris POPPED.
‘Ah yes,’ beamed the Doctor. ‘Matron told me. You’re now in the wind section! Fortunately, we can hear your wind, rather than…smell it,’ he chuckled.
Morris couldn’t really see the funny side and he just looked at the Doctor with a bit of a grumpy stare.
‘Anyway,’ said the Doctor, ‘we’re going to run some tests on you today.’
Morris remembered the room he’d seen last night.
‘Nothing to worry about really,’ said the Doctor, ‘we have to satisfy formal processes and…stuff,’ he added with a dismissive wave of his hand, ‘…to ensure we’re following official guidelines and all that.’
‘Er Doctor?’
‘Yes?’
‘What happens with this Yiddle’s disease?’ ventured Morris. ‘I mean I’ve heard people talking about me.’
‘Yes, yes, quite, you’re quite right to ask and I assure you Morris that you will be told everything very soon.’ Morris noticed that the Doctor’s hair seemed to be looking a bit guarded. ‘But I have to warn you that what you will be told won’t be what you’re expecting, and that the way in which you are told will also be…a little out of the ordinary...and that’s probably putting it mildly.’
6. Magic?
Morris followed Matron to the ‘Trisection – Bisection – Study and Probe – Unusual Disease Assessment’ room where Doctor Grunk and six other people in white coats, dark glasses and holding clipboards were waiting for him.
Doctor Grunk seemed perfectly at ease and he was smiling widely and rocking from heel to toe with his hands behind his back. The others stood stony-faced and upright.
‘Come now Morris,’ beamed Doctor Grunk, his hair rippling with warm welcome. ‘Let’s get on with this…ah yes, of course,’ the Doctor made an exaggerated click of the fingers as if to signal that he’d forgotten something important.
‘I think everyone here should have a steaming mug of Hot Chocolate, yes, Hot Chocolate!’ exclaimed the Doctor enthusiastically.
The white coats all stirred and huddled together, and words like ‘highly irregular’, ‘strange’ and ‘bananas’ echoed off the walls.
Morris hadn’t heard of Hot Chocolate being served with a medical examination but he thought that perhaps this was normal at St Vernon’s, so he settled himself into the elaborate dentist’s chair in the centre of the room, and looked on.
One of the white coats left the huddle with a stern face and approached the Doctor who, to Morris’ amusement dismissed the man with a wave of his hand and chuckled as Marvin entered the room with a tray full of steaming mugs.
The man tried to again reason, this time he even started to wag a finger at the Doctor who this time turned and ushered him back to his colleagues and then clapped his hands and spread them as if he were about to conduct a rather large group hug and said, ‘St Vernon’s always welcomes Government bodies! Please enjoy a token of our gratitude for your continual funding into supporting the Strange and Unusual Diseases Ward, and for investigations into the unknown and mysterious world of medical peculiarities!’
‘Before we start our examination on young Morris here, you will all enjoy our very own warming welcome!’
The Doctor clapped his hands again and this time Morris thought he saw fine sparks burst from his hands and shower the white coats like rain.
Almost immediately the huddle seemed to start acting rather childishly. In an instant they were unable to contain their enthusiasm and dropped their clipboards and rushed over to Marvin – who had braced himself in a corner – and desperately jostling each other to be first to grab a mug.
Moments later they were all savouring their drinks and where there had been an air of official importance about the room before, Morris now noticed a similarity with a children’s Christmas party. It crossed his mind that introducing balloons at this moment would probably top it all.
The drinks had an interesting effect on the group and Morris looked at his own mug suspiciously but, although it tasted rather creamy, (indeed it was the best Hot Chocolate he’d ever tasted); he certainly wasn’t as relaxed as the white coats. They were now lounging around the theatre not unlike his Dad normally did after drinking the Christmas brandy. Two white coats were engrossed in ‘Knock-knock’ jokes, one had fallen asleep next to Marvin, one was amusing himself trying to lick the very bottom of his mug, another took delight in announcing how his greatest achievement had been to sing ‘London’s Burning’ in reverse, and one was pulling faces to herself in the back of a chrome bed pan.
This, Morris reflected, had all happened in a matter of moments.
‘Good,’ said the Doctor as he surveyed the room. ‘As we’re now all…ready, let us begin!’
‘Ladies, Gentlemen, if you would please pay attention and monitor the examination as normal…’ The Doctor looked over his shoulder to the white coats as he spoke and smiled. Morris couldn’t really understand how they would be able to monitor anything as their behaviour had deteriorated and they’d started singing rugby songs while doing roly polies along the floor.
‘Now Morris,’ said the Doctor lifting up an enormous hypodermic needle that made Morris gulp. ‘This,’ he looked at the needle, ‘would have been unpleasant, however,’ he threw the needle over his shoulder, ‘we don’t need needles. Nor do we need this,’ he displayed an unusual probe-type object that Morris could not honestly believe what it was for, ‘or this,’ he held a shiny, domed hat-like thing with loads of coloured wires attached. He threw that to one side as well, which made a huge resonating CLANG around the room.
The noise was met with a cheer from the white coats who all found the hat very interesting and one started to play with it as if it were a space ship.
‘Test number one,’ said the Doctor as he lifted a small rubber mallet. ‘Reflexes!’ He hit Morris’ knee, which jerked.
‘Fine!’ said the Doctor.
‘Test number two! Lift your arms Morris!’
Morris did. The Doctor then tickled him under the arms with a large feather. Morris squirmed and wriggled and burst out laughing.
‘Pass!’ screamed the Doctor.
For the next fifteen minutes Morris had to wait while all the white coats insisted on being tickled as well. Laughter and squeals of delight filled the room.
‘Test number three!’ the Doctor called, panting for breath. ‘Drink this!’ and gave Morris a can of fizzy cream soda. ‘This is tricky now Morris. You must do exactly as I say…and that is that you must drink it without stopping!’
The white coats jumped up and down excitedly in the background, clapping their hands and whooping with joy.
Morris glugged the whole can down noisily. He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and noticed that everyone was looking at him expectantly.
The next moment what started as a little tickle in his tummy grew into and grumble, then a gurgle, then a deep burble, and Morris tried to contain the rising bubbles that were working their way up to his mouth, when, as his eyes and cheeks bulged until he couldn’t contain it anymore…he had no choice but to let out the loudest BUUUUUURP ever.
The burp let out so much air that Doctor Grunk’s hair hid for cover and Matron had to shield her eyes.
‘Pass,’ choked the Doctor weakly.
‘Probably worth noting Master Morris,’ added the Doctor qui
etly, ‘that’s the first air related noise we’ve had from you this morning.’
It hadn’t occurred to him until the Doctor had said it, but he was right. He had stopped POPPING.
‘What does that mean Doctor?’ he said.
The Doctor looked at him with a smile and whispered, ‘We’ll discuss this after our friends have left us,’ he pointed over his shoulder to the white coats who were now all burping in unison and playing musical armpit tennis.
Morris nodded but for the life of him couldn’t see how any one of the white coats could pose any sort of problem in their current state.
‘Now for another test!’ The Doctor announced heartily. ‘Can you stand on your head?’
He couldn’t. Neither could many of the white coats – except for one who must have been a part time gymnast – but everyone had fun trying.
Half an hour later the Doctor straightened himself and said something to Matron who bustled out of the room quickly then returned with a handful of papers. Doctor Grunk clapped his hands like a schoolteacher trying to regain order and the white coats looked up expectantly.
‘Now, I have something for you,’ said the Doctor.
‘For us! Is it a present?’ said a white coat.
‘Yes,’ said the Doctor, ‘it’s your clipboards, with some very interesting paper on them.’
‘Oh goody, goody, goody!’ they cried, jumping up and down.
As he spoke, Matron handed out the white coats’ clipboards, and sunglasses, all of which had been thrown away earlier when Hot Chocolate appeared more appealing.
‘Now,’ called the Doctor, ‘you have all had a wonderful time witnessing the thorough and detailed tests that we have collectively delivered on young Morris here. It is now time to take your reports back to your seniors where they will continue to support our work and marvel at our efforts.’
With a final clap of the Doctor’s hands Morris again noticed a spray of sparks momentarily cover the white coats like a mist.
The white coats shrugged and adjusted themselves, returning to their more serious manner of earlier that morning.
The white coat who had earlier tried to challenge the Doctor about the relevance of Hot Chocolate, and who only moments ago had been balancing a sample jug on his nose, now reviewed the contents of the clipboards with his colleagues and finally approached the Doctor with what Morris thought, a humble manner.
The Doctor was happily rocking from heel to toes and delighted in surveying the contents of the sheets and signed them off after which the white coat looked visibly delighted. The white coats then all shook Morris’ hand and filed out of the room with Matron.
Morris couldn’t believe his eyes. He looked to the Doctor questioningly but the Doctor must have been reading his mind as he smiled and lifted a finger, and said ‘It’s amazing what a little bit of magic can do Morris. It can break through even the toughest of personalities!’
‘And make them behave like…kids?’ said Morris.
‘We’re all children at heart Morris, only you have the benefit of being a child. Some of us have been around it seems forever!’
‘But, magic? You used real magic?’
‘Oh the world needs a little bit of magic every now and then Morris!’
The Doctor winked, and so did his hair. He turned swiftly and headed for the door. ‘Have a wonderful evening Morris, tomorrow is another day!’
It had been a very interesting morning but questions rattled around Morris’ head like bottles on a milk float.