‘Well Schultz I suppose all lives do ere long as they quietly proceed. But in Binky’s case I daresay he will one day make a comeback. But the burden he carries is bigger than most.’
‘What burden.’
‘Guilt.’
‘Boy that’s one thing you can never make me believe.’
‘Ah perhaps you recall his exquisite sister Catherine.’
‘As a matter of pleasant fact I do.’
‘Well Schultz she was as a young girl up in the Highlands, betrothed to a handsome, kindly, rich, young laird she’d loved since childhood. And on the grouse moor in her sight he was killed.’
‘Jeez.’
‘Accidentally shot by Binky.’
In the setting sun of the afternoon, Schultz alighting from the limousine outside Farm Street Church. Entering and standing in the back. Voices in vespers. A chain clinking and the smoke and smell of incense. In the dim light the few figures seated and kneeling in the rows of pews. Rabbi don’t for Christ’s sake kill me for being here. There’s going to be, believe me, a synagogue where we can talk aboard the yacht. Love first brought me to this church and I guess betrayal has kept me coming back. But I got to go light all these little candles in memory. Jesus and even one for Binky. Although I still can’t forgive the son of a bitch. And jesus going back all those years now. To when my cousin Saul was short changing the customers. And that lady who came down the basement to our lingerie store. This candle is for you, honey. For the vestige of hope you instilled in me which is still there in my heart, a tiny tiny ember still flickering. And for Cynthia. Jesus kid I’m sorry. I forgot to put you in the chorus line, anyway it’s better for curing people to remain a nurse. And I can remain dreaming of the blow job you unselfishly gave me.
And back that night Rabbi, I was standing naked again in the middle of the pink bedroom. With Azorr tied up lying under the blanket quietly snuffling through his new muzzle Jorricks got him from Harrods’ pet shop. I really took the cat o’ nine tails and let Erica have it as hard as she wanted over the ass. Because one cheek was Joe and the other Al. Who as Binky predicted did fucking well pull the wool over my eyes. The cunts with mounted police as an escort had a band go marching up and down the street outside the theatre with half the chorus line nude, kicking up their heels and with religious leaders protesting. A sky writer in an aeroplane writing ‘Kiss It Don’t Hold It It’s Too Hot’ all over the sky. And had that very night I did the deal, every seat in the theatre sold. Christ, then I find even the thrill of sadism palls and I’m sad and looking absent minded between strokes out the window. Like when you know you’re going to leave somewhere and this place I’d come to feel was home. The backs of houses just like they always were. Again Erica soon as she got fucked, this time normal and not dog style, forgot me and fell asleep. Her snores reaching a crescendo like every seventh wave on the ocean. At least it was an interruption in the sobbing and crying. Her arms wrapped over the top of the bed, the feet sticking out the bottom. Rabbi I was trying to place her face I knew I saw somewhere before. And it wasn’t as a whorer. But who said anything about prostitution. It was when Al mentioned Hercules and Diomedes, the statue in Florence, where one of these fuckers has the other fucker by the balls and by the way it’s something I want to know, who’s got the fateful fistful. And then suddenly I remember where I first saw Erica’s face. Also in Florence. In a picture. The Birth of Venus. By Botticelli. One of the most beautiful but saddest faces in the world. Jesus they could be nearly identical twins. And if I could just stand once more the thought of Al. Who once said to me, when are you ever going to learn women are like nice toys you play with and if you break the toy you have nothing to play with. Like a pet you take good care of them. Treat them nice. They like it. Such knowledge coming from Al, Mr Bigamy. With wives he still got clawing around tax dodgers’ towers. Because he says, they still love him. And holy shit, maybe they do. And maybe with all I’ve been through, even I still love women. He should have seen me tonight. With wham, this cat o’ nine tails. And even in all the down to earth reality of these moans out of Erica and breathing noises out of Azorr. I still can’t believe it. And still don’t believe or trust it. But I have to believe it. A few insults on the phone. Papers coming all the way across the ocean. And in two seconds, losing two million, I signed them. In the full knowledge that without my beautiful taste the show would make a total disaster and flop as a film. And leave my artistic reputation for previous theatrical aesthetic excellence in tatters. And also with money in the bank. And with that kind of gold who needs a reputation. Then Rabbi, standing in the candlelight, and looking at my profile in the mirror and brushing back my big black tumbling curls, I put back on a pith helmet. I guess you’d really have to say that this safari image makes me look romantic. I’m really good looking with the most fantastic set of perfect teeth. I should smile more often, it suits me. I’m really a fucking nice guy. I am even tempted to go down to the kitchen and get a snack for the dog. And stop him suffocating as he seems to be doing right now. The fucking mutt. Boy if I can just keep my cool. Nothing must slip up in the next twenty four hours. Confidentiality is the supreme priority. With Al in constant contact with my wife and her lawyers. Everything has got to stay hunky dory. Christ maybe I’m going nuts, and thinking about the money is giving me a hard on. Rabbi it’s been some life up till now. And hey Rabbi can’t you hear me shouting for joy that I’ve come this far. From three flops to one hit. To a townhouse. To a floating palace on the Riviera. With a faithful butler and bodyguard. Jesus Rabbi where are you, I’m waiting, will you please return my call. Sigmund let’s call a moratorium and when you’re on your ship with the very latest in international communications I’ll listen. Because from the last time you were screaming.
I had
To put
Ear plugs
In
30
‘Sir wake up wake up, the captain wants you to take over on the bridge, we’re in a hurricane.’
Schultz waking in the pink bedroom. Azorr with his muzzle on, asleep against the door. Erica snoring. And awaking me out of a dream. I was aboard my old ship back in the Coast Guard, being awakened by a sailor. Then Erica woke speaking a language I’d never heard before. Because it was fluent Hungarian. Then in the morning. Trying to get them out of the house. The wailing, the sobbing, from Erica. And even from her dog who howled. You’d think the two of them would be instead laughing since courtesy my investment, they were both at last heading for up the Amazon. While I’m just still like a snail in a hurry cautiously going onwards.
Rabbi, please what do you say to the present situation. There’s no sense to it that I should not be at this mature golden time of my life having peace and contentment. Especially when I can afford the cost. Sigmund it would be wise if I told you at this time, for the sake of your health, sanity and continued solvency, to cut down on the number of women. Jesus Rabbi you don’t understand. In order to keep one woman, you got to have two. And jesus I’m learning fast that if you want to go on keeping two, you’ve got to have three. Well Sigmund go on like that and you may need five nurses at an autopsy to put your pieces back together and bury you, but if you want three, go ahead, who’s counting.
Four taxis this time to take her away. I nearly got a last second rupture lifting a camera. Then talk about guilt, christ the Skyscraper Erica wasn’t such a bad skin after all and I even nearly got to like the dog. And I even anteed up with an extra five thousand for up the Amazon. For which I thought I could at least keep her cat o’ nine tails. What the hell Uncle Werb said always be a good Jewish boy Sigmund and give and get value for money.
‘OK Erica, you take care of yourself, honey.’
‘I don’t want to go. And leave you all alone.’
‘Honey that’s OK, no kidding believe me. Bye bye Azorr. Don’t stick your nose in the river and get bit by a piranha.’
O jeez Rabbi I was at the very last moment sentimental. I was about to say, O K, kiddo stay. What did I really
want. Bodies or souls. And my own soul up for grabs. For the talons to sink in from the three possible women now left available in my life. Added up briefly, a choice between whipping and bestiality, blow jobs, strip tease dancing or just teaming up to go sailing with a nut who could spout her marvellous fluent rubbish. Who somehow Rabbi I swear I couldn’t get the thought of this gorgeously eccentrically insane girl with her honesty dropping bricks on my foot, out of my mind. A shotgun blast going off and sending her dreams to hell. If she is what I select to make permanent in my life I promise you it will be the last piece of ass I am ever going to attempt to come to civilized decent terms with. Like shit why don’t women just go peel onions in the kitchen and let their eyes water that way. And Rabbi I sincerely ask, how do they keep finding new devious ways to get a guy up the aisle. Sigmund the tricks women will play to land a man no fisherman in history could ever invent.
‘So long Erica, send me news from rain forest when you get there.’ Rabbi that’s one down and two to go. And I nearly told Cynthia to go apply for the Freddie Joy Scholarship. And get all the practice she could ever need to become a singer by blowing that fucker Joe Jewels’s brains out. But I’m finished doing favours for all women. What the fuck plenty of new ass on the horizon and it’s not that bad to be alone. The iron shutters put up over the ground floor windows of Arabesque Street locked from the inside. And with bags, books and files plus the pigeons all packed up, I waved goodbye to the Ambassador. Tears in both our eyes. As usual he was having a big reception that night. And just as I was putting my head down to get into the car, he held up a sign to me in his window.
ISLAM WILL ALWAYS COME TO YOUR AID
But Rabbi I was just lounging back in the upholstery and jesus Catherine, I still couldn’t get her off my mind. I hadn’t called her for two days. Still nearly in a dilemma. But the limousine loaded and already facing down the street to the airport. The heavy luggage already sent on. And I picked up the phone. And she sounded so glad to hear from me. I got instantly carried away.
‘Jesus honey, let me take care of you, forever.’
‘Is forever never. Or is it now. Or when. You see. I wouldn’t want you to want me just for my trust funds.’
‘Holy shit, honey. I’m taking you to a ship. Which if, once you see it, could lead you to believe I don’t need your trust funds, because it is not exactly paupersville afloat.’
‘Ha. But you may have only chartered it to impress me.’
‘OK honey. You win. Let’s do this your way. Try it for a day or two. And every time I try to stick my hand in your trust funds you just slap it away.’
Down a long Savoy Hotel hallway, right past the gents. Where I vomited the day Al got me my first investment money and blackmailed me into marrying the black cloud. I go up to the fifth floor on an elevator in this strangest part of the hotel. I knock. Catherine answering and her nurse looking out the door of an adjoining room. And jesus there standing in front of me. I’d forgotten what such a total knockout she is. Unbelievably beautiful at the door. In a funny purple and crimson jockey’s cap and a corduroy pair of jodhpurs, black cashmere sweater, and a long string of real pearls. Her eyeballs so white like her mother’s. Who I always loved from first sight anyway. And it took me nearly all my nerve to say.
‘Honey here I am with my raincheck.’
‘I guess I’m so glad.’
‘Gee, don’t guess honey. And it’s good to see you.’
‘Yes, isn’t it good. I see you. And so nice to see you too.’
‘Like I told you on the phone, get your hat, we’re going to the Riviera.’
‘Here, already ready, I’ve got my hat. I am rather looking forward. You know how one does when one does not want to look backward, over one’s shoulder. Nurse is so thrilled. So thrilled. This is the sunny day, you spoke about. But I am. I am nervous. Not extraordinarily nervous.’
‘I know honey just ordinary nervous. But this is, no kidding, the sunny day honey I spoke about.’
‘And you know speaking of skies, you do have the most blazing blue eyes.’
‘Come on honey. Let’s go. There’s no time for flattery. Bring those dimples on your cheeks. We’re in a hurry.’
‘Nurse has all the packing done, not to worry. Porter’s on the way. You know I was so certain you would never come. I was many of these past days going to go and knock on your door. I’m so glad I didn’t. I wanted so much to see you. See you. And now like a dream come true. You’re here. You’re here. But are you sure you really want me. I’ve had an abortion. Been nearly raped twice I think. And at this moment I believe I may be coming down with a head cold.’
‘Honey, just like they do in the song, pack up your troubles in your old kit bag.’
‘I shall. I shall. And you know I do like smoked salmon in my morning scrambled egg. Can I have that on your little boat. This morning instead I had poached peaches for breakfast. Have some for you left over in the bowl. I am a shareholder in this hotel and I hate to see them wasted. Wasted. But O dear it’s such an expensive hotel, one is glad to have an account and not have to see the bill.’
‘Honey, thanks. I adore poached peaches. And please bring the peaches along. My car’s waiting in front downstairs.’
‘Ah, we’re going.’
‘We are honey, we are.’
‘Then I shall fling my big black gangster’s coat over my shoulders. And you know Sigmund, and may I call you Sigmund mayn’t I. And apropos of nothing at all, except it is apropos, we do need heroes don’t we, in the world, and not persons of moral despicability.’
‘Honey you took the words right out of my mouth.’
‘O dear, that’s the phone. I’ll answer it. See you, see you downstairs.’ Under the silver shiny canopy of the Savoy Hotel tucked in its little cul de sac in from the Strand. The smiling deputy manager, the doorman, concierge, three porters, Daniel and Jorricks all in attendance. Loading on luggage. With not a fraction of an inch to spare. For once the limousine is full up. The doorman brushing off seats with a whisk. The concierge putting a rug over Catherine. And also nurse’s knees, who is as Scots as they can come. From the Outer Hebrides. Daniel already giving her the eye.
‘We do so hope Mr Schultz we will see you back here soon again.’ The deputy manager smilingly closing the limousine door. Boy Rabbi do I really rate. Or is it Catherine. Or maybe both of us together. And here we go. Me and my entire entourage. Slowly pulling away. And I couldn’t believe it. There parked nearly beside us, a reminder of all my past fucking misery. The carpenter’s red Ferrari. And Louella inside. Looking at me.
Rabbi I swear there seemed like to be tears in her eyes. Sigmund you should know better than to get romantic. The light from the jewels she is wearing is reflected upwards. Rabbi she ditched me. And maybe even now ditched Al. So that a fucker who can’t drive a nail, but can drive a Ferrari, is hammering her. Just give me a basic reason why women behave that way. Sigmund you should already know that there are ladies who if they can go out dancing with a guy who is living.
They will
Gladly leave
A guy who is
Dying
For dead
31
The aeroplane gliding across the blue water on this blazing sunny afternoon to land on the Cote d’Azur. Catherine clutching her lizard skin jewellery box on her knee. Sun tanned folk on the airport terrace waving to the arriving passengers. Two ancient Daimler limousines motoring Schultz and entourage under the palm trees along the bay of Nice. And up past the red roofed houses stacked back into the dark green hills. Yellow awnings. Flowers pink, lilac, rose and violet on the garden slopes. Concrete gutters for torrents of rain. The little town of Eze perched on its mountain top.
‘O Sigmund, doesn’t it for you as it does for me, set little cheerful flags flying, flying in your heart.’
‘It does honey it does.’
The cars passing the customs barriers and down into the principality of Monaco. Past the markets and stacks of vegetables. Ou
t along the harbour sea wall and along by the smooth gleaming sterns of all these big yachts. The cars stopping at the next to last and biggest. A massive radiant white sight, dressed overall. Catherine turning to kiss Schultz on the cheek.
‘O Sigmund. The name. It’s mine. It’s mine. It’s me. Me. Me.’
‘Yes honey yes. You.’
On the aft deck, in their whites and gold braid, captain and officers assembled. Introductions and welcoming owner and party aboard. The valet showing the nurse to her stateroom and Catherine to the Queen suite. Schultz reviewing the crew on the foredeck as the captain held inspection. Everything shipshape. Right from the radio room down to the bilge. And Rabbi the brass winches polished gleaming like they were gold. You could eat fraises des bois off the engine room floor. Forget the price. If now I just blind myself to the cost of just swabbing all these teak decks, and to the overheads of six tons of fuel for a day’s steaming. And instead just keep reminding myself. Is this really me. With a gorgeous lovely girl. Here in the sunshine. Here in this glory. The pale brown and green dome of the casino across the harbour. Out of which I’ve got to keep Catherine. But the pea green colour of the Hotel de Paris, where both of us can go. And sit free of charge in the lobby.
‘Tea sir.’
‘Gee Jorricks why not.’
‘Very good sir. And may I congratulate you.’
‘Thanks Jorricks. Not a bad little old tub is it.’
Jorricks announcing the water temperature in the harbour as he served tea on the aft deck at a round mahogany table set with flowers. Catherine in a purple jersey and white slacks, an orange chiffon scarf tied round her waist. Daniel again in his general’s uniform and medals and sweating profusely but grinning as he did a little skip and dance of joy ferrying the hot water, strawberry jam and fresh scones. And nearly tripped flat faced over the bulkhead. Coming up to whisper to me when I was going for a pee to the powder room off the saloon.