‘So you do, you do think he’s dying don’t you.’
‘Well honey to be honest it ain’t as if I think old Al, much as I always did admire the way he could blow on a trumpet, is going to grab up his skis and ski poles and fly off to St Moritz as he usually does this time of year to break his ass as he always does on the slopes.’ ‘God you can be cruel.’
‘Honey no. No I can’t. I can be fucking realistic at a time like this, that’s what I can be. Al smokes like a chimney honey. His lungs were wheezing. And all I know is that I’m still confused over why you should send the sight of somebody he now hates to his bedside to sing Auld Lang Syne with him.’
‘Al loved you. He truly loved you like a son. Many a night he would shake his head back and forth over it.’
‘Honey you were unfaithful to Al and I betrayed him. That would make anybody shake their head. And it happens all the time to more people than you think. But he would have never have known a thing about it if he hadn’t been the fucking cunning scheming bastard that he is to fly back the whole way from New Orleans to waltz right in on us. But I love you and I did love Al and now I’m the one shaking my head back and forth over it.’
‘It sounds so brutally dreadful the way you say that.’
‘It’s got to be said honey. It’s got to. It’s the truth.’
‘But you simply don’t know how much he did love you, Sigmund. He always said that when everyone thought you were down, he would say to me that Sigmund’s going to show them. He’d say Sigmund will zing mit der dick dick. As if he were right there fighting your battles with you side by side.’
‘Honey OK I believe you. And believe Al. And believe me. I was zinging mit der dick dick.’
‘And now if he dies I have nowhere to go.’
‘Well honey if you’ll forgive me saying so, you’re now talking sense for a change.’
‘Well I don’t, I have nowhere.’
‘What are you kidding. Sure. They’ll throw you out. All of Al’s assets will be frozen. But you have everywhere. Where you can go on having this wonderful chocolate cake, tea and all the fucking groceries delivered you want from Fortnum’s. I got an account there. And honey when this show’s a smash on Broadway I’ll go buy or build a palace for you so we can both chomp our ivories on what they unload from the van every morning. Anywhere you want in this town. You name it. How many bathrooms you want. Go on tell me. How many.’ ‘One is enough. O dear. It’s all such a horrible mess. And what about your wife.’
‘No problem. I’ll find a good architect to build a perfect prison for her. With one beautiful toilet bowl for her to sit on.’
‘I don’t think that’s funny.’
‘Honey it may not be funny but it’s fucking mandatory. Before she kills me. But shit. I’ll go down talk to the estate agents right now, over there on the street corner. They’re open till five. I’ll even set you up right here in this building if you don’t want to leave. We’ll knock down walls and ceilings of two flats. Make it into a duplex, triplex penthouse, whatever you want. Right on the top of fucking tax dodgers’ towers.’ ‘Don’t please call it that awful name. Al pays his taxes. And no matter what you say you’ve still got a wife. And I don’t want to be kept. I can look after myself. And it’ll only be temporary that I have nowhere to go.’
‘I know you can look after yourself honey. I know you can. And who said anything about keeping. Just maybe a little subsidy to help you along. To adjust if Al, and I’m sorry if I have to say this again in the realism of the moment, but if Al croaks. Jesus christ honey, look, me. I’ll go with you to Farm Street Church. I’ll get converted for you.’ ‘Would you throw me my shoe back please.’
‘Sure honey. And would you mind maybe if you could get me some whisky, will you. His Lordship says that’s what is customary taking tea these days. And if you’ve got some of that pure Highland scotch stuff. Because the energy I am using up in this conversation, I really need it.’ Out the window a curtain of grey white falling snow shrouding the sky. Louella slipping on her shoe. The smooth soft curving contours of her thighs. In her navy blue satin slacks. A chiffon scarf tied around her ultra slender waist. Her breasts under her black sweater like two blossoming night flowers as she stands up from the settee. Crossing to the sideboard covered in bottles. Pouring whisky into a heavy squat glass. And god what a good deceptively strong ass she has. The kind you get from climbing stairs. Maybe that’s what she does instead of taking the elevator up here. The light fading in this blizzard outside. Holy cow it’s really snowing hard again. Nothing but millions of flakes. No two alike. Just like tits and asses. My god even to look at hers right there. Makes me want to throw myself on them. Bury my face kissing all over those delicious mounds. Fucking hell I won’t be able to stand it. If with the box office keeping my mind calm and my prick hard, I have to spend another minute of my life without her.
‘I’ll take it straight honey with just one lump of ice, just like it is. Thanks. Do you mind if I just ring down a second to Jorricks.’
‘Do.’
‘Thanks.’
Schultz dialling the phone. Watching Louella turn back to the sideboard and pour herself a drink. God, thinking about every other part of her I forgot she’s tall. Comes right up to my eyebrows. She’s stately. And her so beautifully fucking warm hearted soul pervades the whole room.
‘Hi Jorricks, it’s me. Could you mosey over to that good faithful fish shop across the other side of the street and get us a selection of fish for the deep freeze. I won’t be long. Hey what’s that I’m hearing.’
‘I’m listening to Rigoletto sir.’
Schultz hanging up. Louella sitting down with her drink, leaning back on the cushions and crossing her legs. Jesus there are little hollows under the poor kid’s eyes. Fuck it she really must love the old cunt. He’s got to fucking die. One girl like this is only once in a lifetime. ‘Gee honey, you know it’s just nice to relax a minute.’
‘You do, don’t you, have your life pretty well organized.’
‘Only a little honey. Not enough to call it bliss. Because one thing important is missing.’
‘When did you get Jorricks.’
‘It’s how I got him honey which is a story worth telling. Besides being able to cook he’s a genius who loves the theatre.’
‘How nice for you.’
‘Honey what would be nice for me and worth ten butlers is you. Jesus give me another slug of this marvellous whisky will you. Christ I never thought in all my fucking life I’d be taking a slug of whisky at three thirty in the fucking afternoon. I’m getting drunk.’
‘Sigmund it’s going on four.’
‘Christ my watch stopped. And gee honey you got to face it. I don’t want to be boringly philosophical, but we all got to die. Meanwhile we could even take a thatched cottage in the country. Miles from wives, threats of death, detectives. With roses round the door. Keep bees, grow fucking carrots and escape this turmoil. Come on what about it. Let me tell Jorricks downstairs to go home. God you look gorgeous. In spite of the hair change. You really do. Even with your eyes a little red. Christ honey I want to embrace you. Excuse me. I got such a hard on already. Let me take you away from all this trouble. After all these wasted months. And if you want I got a nice little suite at a reasonable rate from the manager just waiting reserved right over there in the Dorchester. Just an elevator ride down to the garage and in two seconds Jorricks will have us there. And who’s to know.’
‘No.’
‘But jesus why. It’s not as if I don’t know you got in touch with me again using Al as an excuse to see me.’
‘You can be insufferably conceited at times, can’t you.’
‘Honey of course I can. Everybody can.’
‘Well, if you want to know the fact of the matter.’
‘Is what honey. What. Come on, tell me. That’s what I’m after, the truth. So now honey tell me what the fact of the matter is.’
‘It was you who caused Al’s heart attack.’
r />
‘Me.’
‘Yes. Down there on the street the first night of the snowstorm.’ ‘Don’t tell me Al was out of his nice cosy nest up here and was out down there shovelling snow or something.’
‘Al saw right into your binoculars through his binoculars from the bedroom window. While you were parked in your car.’
‘Parked in my car.’
‘Yes. And he flew into such an uncontrollable rage that he went to the kitchen for the bread knife. He was on his way down to the street. And as I struggled to stop him. It happened. And it’s why I want you never again ever to come near spying on Al and I again. Ever.’
‘Honey I think you’re a fucking liar about all of this. Sorry but I think you are. Al had his heart attack coming for years. It could have happened over an erection, I’m sure he’s always had difficulty with.’
‘I could slap your face for that.’
‘O jesus honey, let’s not get into all this. Not about the heart attack. It’s ruining our relationship. I mean if the possibility is there any little thing could cause Al’s gaskets to blow. Even a calm erotic dream in sleep. But why did you want me to see Al. Jesus pour me more of that stuff. No. Not even ice. I need this hot straight down into my gizzard. Jesus at this late stage I should become an alcoholic while I’m on the brink of my gold mine.’
‘Your wife told Al you were spying on us.’
‘Hey holy shit. Come on. She for a start invents fantasies around the clock.’
‘Well she didn’t invent Al going for the bread knife.’
‘Yeah to try to cut off my balls again.’
‘Yes he was if he hadn’t collapsed.’
‘Well thanks he collapsed. OK sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. No kidding.’
‘There are a lot of things you don’t mean aren’t there.’
‘Hey come on it’s a coincidence too. I buy fish from that shop down there. You heard me just now to Jorricks. It’s the best fish shop in town. O christ now I’m going to have a fucking heart attack. Yeah and it’s right. I was there.’
‘And then the ambulance leaving had an accident going around the corner.’
‘Holy shit. That was the ambulance. Christ I saw it. Hit right in the side. Then it came right by me. Jesus Al must have been in it. I can’t believe all this. Wow. Fuck a duck. It’s too incredible. But honey you know why I’m watching these windows up here. Trying to know where you are. That you’re safe and OK. Yes and I even suffer the horror of thinking that geriatric Al is taxing his brain and strength to stimulate himself enough when the light goes off to attempt to make love to you.’
‘For your conceited information and if I may put it so crudely as to make you understand, Al is stimulated by his merely looking at me and his cock stands up like a fence post and he has on more than one occasion even ejaculated before he’s been able to touch me.’
‘Jesus will wonders never cease. He should join a circus. OK honey. I’m finishing my drink. Goodbye.’
See you
At Al’s funeral
When he’s
Polevaulting on that
Prick of his
Into heaven
4
Schultz descending in the elevator. The floors light by light going by. Stopping at the eleventh. Dark overcoated gent steps in. He looks like my Uncle Werb who I hope I should never have to look like if I ever had to become a diamond merchant. Which I nearly did till this show hit. Jesus Al’s arteries maybe are still good enough to get his prick up to assault her. O god how cruel women can be. To devastate you right in the intestines. Jesus now I’m the cause of Al’s heart attack when all he’s done all his life is smoke like a chimney and gobble down lox, bagels, caviare and chocolate cake and then knock himself out watching television. Exercise is reaching to relight his cigar while the ash falls over his shirt. But who knows maybe he was going down to the tenth floor by the fire stairs and climbing back up every evening adding muscles to his prick. I should have known going up there was disaster and now going down I really am on the deck of the Titanic but not singing abide with me. But shouting out.
‘Hey Lord call that creep Al up to heaven.’
‘I beg your pardon.’
‘Sorry sir I was just talking to myself.’
Schultz approaching his limousine. In this echoing cold underground labyrinth. Jorricks closing the boot. Good place for murders down in this garage. There’s one of Al’s cars. His sky blue convertible. Sitting there waiting for spring, so Al can drive with the top lowered and the wind whistling through his toupee which has to be screwed down on his head. His other two cars must be confidently waiting for him outside the hospital.
‘Home Jorricks.’
‘That was very good timing if I may say so sir. Fish is all packed up in the boot. Got the evening papers for you too, sir. And there were three phone calls from New York. The numbers and names are on the pad.’
Limousine wheels skidding climbing up the incline. Third time lucky as the furiously spinning tyres wore down through the snow to grip and the vast long vehicle pulled forward. The snow falling thicker. A blizzard again. Out of which I could have kept if I had played my cards right. Three calls from Broadway. Eleven o’clock in New York. Let them all call back. Start bidding you bastards. You Joe Jewels first. And your bid better be big. And then I’m going to hit that town. In the Stage Door Deli have a hot pastrami on rye mit pickles, mit coleslaw, mit stage hands and stars. Who are all going to witness Schultz blasting away on Broadway. And zinging mit der dick dick.
Then it’s voom off to the coast. Where it’s going to be voom, lights, action, camera, as Schultz hits Hollywood like a dose of salts. Voom. And all you nonentity fuckers are going to go on shitting in your drawers for your jobs as I show you how it’s done. Holy shit power and money is going to my head. Hey that’s dangerous with so many deals to do. And with so many fuckers after power and money waiting around to screw you.
In the stopped traffic, Schultz switching on the reading light and turning to look out the window. A lady walking by on the sidewalk, her dog wearing a jacket and red little boots. Hey that’s real cute. Life’s not that bad. Picking up the evening newspaper. Check the classified ads for the show. They always leave something out or get something wrong and I’ll get a reduction. The papers folded right by my hand. Don’t have to do more than bend a knuckle. No fucking doubt a butler’s better than a wife. Hey what is it with the women in this world. What the fuck satisfies them. Maybe I should go bald on top and dye the rest of my hair grey. Get jowls, a belly, look like death warmed over. Then turn red white and blue throwing a heart attack. Jesus, maybe then the women will love you. Plus like Al, to intensify the love, there must be coming into his coffers a half a million dollars a year. And a beautiful idyllic apartment. But I’m not going to fucking well believe that story for one second. Al fastest gun in the west getting his rocks off like some infantile teenager. Jesus maybe it’s premature ejaculation as a result of a mental aberration. Al’s brains at his age must be missing a billion or two of neurons. Al once said he was a tit man. And jesus she has one of the most gorgeous sets of tits in Christendom. Of which maybe she gave him a teasingly premeditated flash. And he blew his load. And that girl. That magic wonderful creature. Watching that. O jesus the thought is too horrendously crucifying. The fucker maybe is taking monkey injections. It must be these desperate images are coming to mind because I so badly need to get laid. Badly. That’s priority. And that’s gospel. By Schultz. Take out my address and telephone numbers again. Been through this diary a dozen times. Tempted to call the numbers. Scraping the bottom of the barrel. Even calling girls up who are thirty years old. Then couldn’t face it. O christ that fucking Louella has ruined me for all time. For all other women. Making it now that I can’t fuck somebody I don’t love. If it took me nearly my whole life to fall in love like this, that kind of thing could stop the whole world in its tracks. It would be paltry if you ever stopped to count up the number of people who are re
ally in love. But jesus the fucking hasn’t stopped in China yet. And in India by the latest population figures someone is still grabbing the odd piece of ass. But the worst revelation of all is. She might really love Al.
‘Hey I changed my mind Jorricks. Head back into town while I think a second.’
‘Very good sir. Would you like music.’
‘No thanks.’
‘Are you still staying loose sir, or shall I expect you for dinner.’
‘Yeah. Expect me. Drop me off at the theatre first. I’ll take the taxi home.’
‘Very good sir. But if there’s any trouble with this snow let me know.’
‘Sure.’
Schultz paging through his address book. Ragged, blotted and torn. Just like some of the names. Holy christ, that come up at you out of the deep dark past. Freddie Joy, a grade B starlet but one of the most dazzlingly fabulous females of them all. I once looked down as the two of us were standing on a staircase and the hard on I had was the biggest ever in my personal history. But jesus she was career crazy. Instead of more hopeless women, dial his Lordship. That’s what I’ll do. He always has the most amazingly good advice at his fingertips. Which is usually to take tea, take a whisky, and take a hot bath. And pull your own pudding. In that order. Jesus no answer at his private number. And don’t like talking to his butler without my butler first from now on putting through the call. Now I can’t get Louella off my mind. Christ I dumbly tried to act tough like it didn’t matter and now my guts are squirming like a can of worms. It’s like after getting turned down by the first girl I asked to the high school prom. Which sent me kicking my way through a pile of autumn leaves. That with a match put to them is going to burn a lonely hole in my brain. Leaving an awful smell of smoke in my life. I got to call her back. Jesus don’t. Fucking well hold it. Stop your hand. Jesus fingers, don’t go in the holes of that dial. Don’t. Stop. Don’t do it.
‘Hello honey it’s me. I want to apologize for what I said. I really am sorry. Hello. Hello.’
‘I’m here.’
‘Honey let’s not break the last thread we got hanging us together and come asunder.’