CHAPTER XI. A SWOI-REE.
Mr. Slick visited me late last night, dressed as if he had been at aparty, but very cross, and, as usual when in that frame of mind, hevented his ill-humour on the English.
"Where have you been to-night, Mr. Slick?"
"Jist where the English hosses will be," he replied, "when Old Claycomes here to this country;--no where. I have been on a stair-case,that's where I have been; and a pretty place to see company in, ain'tit? I have been jammed to death in an entry, and what's wus than all, Ihave given one gall a black eye with my elbow, tore another one's frockoff with my buttons, and near about cut a third one's leg in two with myhat. Pretty well for one night's work, ain't it? and for me too, that'sso fond of the dear little critturs, I wouldn't hurt a hair of theirhead, if I could help it, to save my soul alive. What a spot o' work!
"What the plague do people mean here by askin' a mob to their house,and invitin' twice as many as can get into it? If they think it'scomplimental, they are infarnally mistaken, that's all: it's an insultand nothin' else, makin' a fool of a body that way. Heavens and airth! Iam wringing wet! I'm ready to faint! Where's the key of your cellaret? Iwant some brandy and water. I'm dead; bury me quick, for I won't benice directly. Oh dear! how that lean gall hurt me! How horrid sharp herbones are!
"I wish to goodness you'd go to a Swoi-ree oncet, Squire, jist oncet--agrand let off, one that's upper crust and rael jam. It's worth seein'oncet jist as a show, I tell _you_, for you have no more notion of itthan a child. All Halifax, if it was swept up clean and shook out into aroom, wouldn't make one swoi-ree. I have been to three to night, and allon 'em was mobs--regular mobs. The English are horrid fond of mobs, andI wonder at it too; for of all the cowardly, miserable, scarry mobs,that ever was seen in this blessed world, the English is the wust.Two dragoons will clear a whole street as quick as wink, any time. Theinstant they see 'em, they jist run like a flock of sheep afore a coupleof bull dogs, and slope off properly skeered. Lawful heart, I wishthey'd send for a dragoon, all booted, and spurred, and mounted, and lethim gallop into a swoi-ree, and charge the mob there. He'd clear 'em out_I_ know, double quick: he'd chase one quarter of 'em down stairs headover heels, and another quarter would jump out o' the winders, and breaktheir confounded necks to save their lives, and then the half that'sleft, would he jist about half too many for comfort.
"My first party to-night wus a conversation one; that is for them that_could_ talk; as for me I couldn't talk a bit, and all I could thinkwas, 'how infarnal hot it is! I wish I could get in!' or, 'oh dear, ifI could only get out!' It was a scientific party, a mob o' men. Well,every body expected somebody would be squashed to death, and so ladieswent, for they always go to executions. They've got a kinder nateraltaste for the horrors, have women. They like to see people hanged ortrod to death, when they can get a chance. It _was_ a conversationwarn't it? that's all. I couldn't understand a word I heard. Trap shaleGreywachy; a petrified snail, the most important discovery of moderntimes. Bank governor's machine weighs sovereigns, light ones go to theright, and heavy ones to the left.
"'Stop,' says I, 'if you mean the sovereign people here, there are noneon 'em light. Right and left is both monstrous heavy; all over weight,every one on 'em. I'm squeezed to death.'
"'Very good, Mr. Slick. Let me introduce you to ----,' they are whiptoff in the current, and I don't see 'em again no more. 'A beautiful shewof flowers, Madam, at the garden: they are all in full blow now. Therhododendron--had a tooth pulled when she was asleep.' 'Please to let mepass, Sir.' 'With all my heart, Miss, if I could; but I can't move; if Icould I would down on the carpet, and you should walk over me. Take careof your feet, Miss, I am off of mine. Lord bless me! what's this? why asI am a livin' sinner, it's half her frock hitched on to my coat button.Now I know what that scream meant.'
"'How do you do, Mr. Slick? When did you come?' 'Why I came--' heis turned round, and shoved out o' hearin.' 'Xanthian marbles at theBritish Museum are quite wonderful; got into his throat, the doctorturned him upside down, stood him on his head, and out it came--his owntunnel was too small.' 'Oh, Sir, you are cuttin' me.' 'Me, Miss! Wherehad I the pleasure of seein' you before, I never cut a lady in my life,could'nt do so rude a thing. Havn't the honour to recollect you.' 'Oh,Sir, take it away, it cuts me.' Poor thing, she is distracted, I don'twonder. She's drove crazy, though I think she must have been mad to comehere at all. 'Your hat, Sir.' 'Oh, that cussed French hat is it? Well,the rim is as stiff and as sharp as a cleaver, that's a fact, I don'twonder it cut you.' 'Eddis's pictur--capital painting, fell out of thebarge, and was drowned.' 'Having been beat on the shillin' duty; theywill attach him on the fourpence, and thimble rigg him out of that.''They say Sugden is in town, hung in a bad light, at the TempleChurch.'----'Who is that?' 'Lady Fobus; paired off for the Session;Brodie operated.'----Lady Francis; got the Life Guards; there will bea division to-night.'----That's Sam Slick; I'll introduce you;made a capital speech in the House of Lords, in answer toBrougham--Lobelia--voted for the bill--The Duchess is very fondof----Irish Arms--'
"Oh! now I'm in the entry. How tired I am! It feels shockin' cold here,too, arter comin' out o' that hot room. Guess I'll go to the grandmusical party. Come, this will do; this is Christian-like, there is roomhere; but the singin' is in next room, I will go and hear them. Oh! herethey are agin; it's a proper mob this. Cuss, these English, they can'tlive out of mobs. Prince Albert is there in that room; I must go and seehim. He is popular; he is a renderin' of himself very agreeable to theEnglish, is Prince: he mixes with them as much as he can; and shewshis sense in that. Church steeples are very pretty things: that one toAntwerp is splendiriferous; it's everlastin' high, it most breaks yourneck layin' back your head to look at it; bend backward like a hoop, andstare at it once with all your eyes, and you can't look up agin, you aresatisfied. It tante no use for a Prince to carry a head so high as that,Albert knows this; he don't want to be called the highest steeple,cause all the world knows he is about the top loftiest; but he want's todescend to the world we live in.
"With a Queen all men love, and a Prince all men like, royalty has aroot in the heart here. Pity, too, for the English don't desarve to havea Queen; and such a Queen as they have got too, hang me if they do. Theyain't men, they hante the feelin's or pride o' men in 'em; they ain'twhat they used to be, the nasty, dirty, mean-spirited, sneakin' skunks,for if they had a heart as big as a pea--and that ain't any great size,nother--cuss 'em, when any feller pinted a finger at her to hurt her, oreven frighten her, they'd string him right up on the spot, to the lamppost. Lynch him like a dog that steals sheep right off the reel, andsave mad-doctors, skary judges, and Chartist papers all the trouble offindin' excuses. And, if that didn't do, Chinese like, they'd take thewhole crowd present and sarve _them_ out. They'd be sure to catch theright one then. I wouldn't shed blood, because that's horrid; it shocksall Christian people, philosophisin' legislators, sentimental ladies,and spooney gentlemen. It's horrid barbarous that, is sheddin' blood; Iwouldn't do that, I'd jist hang him. A strong cord tied tight round hisneck would keep that precious mixtur, traitor's blood, all in as closeas if his mouth was corked, wired, and white-leaded, like a champagnebottle.
"Oh dear! these are the fellers that come out a travellin' among us,and sayin' the difference atween you and us is 'the absence of loyalty.'I've heard tell a great deal of that loyalty, but I've seen preciouslittle of it, since I've been here, that's a fact. I've always told youthese folks ain't what they used to be, and I see more and more, on'em every day. Yes, the English are like their hosses, they are so finebred, there is nothin' left of 'em now but the hide, hair, and shoes.
"So Prince Albert is there in that room; I must get in there and seehim, for I have never sot eyes on him since I've been here, so heregoes. Onder, below there, look out for your corns, hawl your feet in,like turtles, for I am a comin'. Take care o' your ribs, my old 'coons,for my elbows are crooked. Who wants to grow? I'll squeeze you out as arollin'-pin does dough, and make you ten inches taller.
I'll make goodfigures of you, my fat boys and galls, I know. Look out for scaldin'sthere. Here I am: it's me, Sam Slick, make way, or I'll walk right overyou, and cronch you like lobsters. 'Cheap talkin', or rather thinkin',sais I; for in course I couldn't bawl that out in company here; theydon't understand fun, and would think it rude, and ongenteel. I have tobe shockin' cautious what I say here, for fear I might lower our greatnation in the eyes of foreigners. I have to look big and talk big thewhole blessed time, and I am tired of it. It ain't nateral to me; and,besides braggin' and repudiatin' at the same time, is most as bad ascantin' and swearin'. It kinder chokes me. I thought it all though, andsaid it all to myself. 'And,' sais I, 'take your time, Sam; you can't doit, no how, you can fix-it. You must wait your time, like other folks.Your legs is tied, and your arms is tied down by the crowd, and youcan't move an inch beyond your nose. The only way is, watch your chance,wait till you can get your hands up, then turn the fust two personsthat's next to you right round, and slip between them like a turn stilein the park, and work your passage that way. Which is the Prince? That'shim with the hair carefully divided, him with the moustaches. I've seedhim; a plaguy handsum man he is, too. Let me out now. I'm stifled, I'mchoked. My jaws stick together, I can't open 'em no more; and my windwon't hold out another minute.
"I have it now, I've got an idea. See if I don't put the leake into'em. Won't I _do_ them, that's all? Clear the way there, the Prince is acomin', _and_ so is the Duke. And a way is opened: waves o' the sea rollhack at these words, and I walks right out, as large as life, and thefust Egyptian that follers is drowned, for the water has closedover him. Sarves him right, too, what business had he to grasp mylife-preserver without leave. I have enough to do to get along by my ownwit, without carry in' double.
"'Where is the Prince? Didn't they say he was a comin'? Who was thatwent out? He don't look like the Prince; he ain't half so handsum, thatfeller, he looks, like a Yankee.' 'Why, that was Sam Slick.' 'Capital,that! What a droll feller he is; he is always so ready! He desarvescredit for that trick.' Guess I do; but let old Connecticut alone;us Slickville boys always find a way to dodge in or out embargo or noembargo, blockade or no blockade, we larnt that last war.
"Here I am in the street agin; the air feels handsum. I have anotherinvitation to-night, shall I go? Guess I will. All the world is at thesetwo last places, I reckin there will be breathin' room at the next; andI want an ice cream to cool my coppers, shockin' bad.--Creation! It iswus than ever; this party beats t'other ones all holler. They ain't notouch to it. I'll jist go and make a scrape to old uncle and aunty, andthen cut stick; for I hante strength to swiggle my way through anothermob.
"'You had better get in fust, though, hadn't you, Sam? for here youare agin wracked, by gosh, drove right slap ashore atween them two fatwomen, and fairly wedged in and bilged. You can't get through, and can'tget out, if you was to die for it.' 'Can't I though? I'll try; for Inever give in, till I can't help it. So here's at it. Heave off, putall steam on, and back out, starn fust, and then swing round into thestream. That's the ticket, Sam.' It's done; but my elbow has took thatlady that's two steps furder down on the stairs, jist in the eye, andknocked in her dead light. How she cries! how I apologize, don't I?And the more I beg pardon, the wus she carries on. But it's no go; if Istay, I must fust fight somebody, and then marry _her_; for I've spiledher beauty, and that's the rule here, they tell me.'
"So I sets studen sail booms, and cracks on all sail, and steers forhome, and here I am once more; at least what's left of me, and thatain't much more nor my shader. Oh dear! I'm tired, shockin' tired,almost dead, and awful thirsty; for Heaven's sake, give me some lignumvitae, for I am so dry, I'll blow away in dust.
"This is a Swoi-ree, Squire, this is London society; this is rationalenjoyment, this is a meeting of friends, who are so infarnal friendlythey are jammed together so they can't leave each other. Inseparablefriends; you must choke 'em off, or you can't part 'em. Well, I ain'tjist so thick and intimate with none o' them in this country as all thatcomes to nother. I won't lay down my life for none on 'em; I don't seeno occasion for it, _do you_?
"I'll dine with you, John Bull, if you axe me; and I ain't nothin' aboveparticular to do, and the cab hire don't cost more nor the price of adinner; but hang me if ever I go to a Swoi-ree agin. I've had enough ofthat, to last me _my_ life, I know. A dinner I hante no objection to,though that ain't quite so bright as a pewter button nother, when youdon't know you're right and left, hand man. And an evenin' party, Iwouldn't take my oath I wouldn't go to, though I don't know hardly whatto talk about, except America; and I've bragged so much about that, I'mtired of the subject. But a _Swoi-ree is the devil, that's a fact_."