‘Oh dear,’ she said, concerned, as she came over. ‘He doesn’t want to stay with me.’
‘Of course he does,’ I said.
Rather than pass Harrison to Rihanna and leave her to settle him I decided to try to placate him before I left. I began walking around the room, pointing out all the colourful pictures on the friezes, hoping he would feel more comfortable if he was used to the room before I left him.
Rihanna was soon joining in: ‘Look at this big yellow sun and these pretty little birds,’ she said, making a big effort, while trying to hide her anxiety.
We did a tour of the room and Harrison, while not crying, was not smiling either. Time for plan B, I thought. I slipped the bulging baby bag from my shoulder and passed it to Rihanna. ‘There are some of his favourite toys in there,’ I said. ‘Take them out and show them to him. They’ll make him feel more secure.’
‘Good idea,’ Rihanna said, unzipping the bag.
She began taking out the small toys one at a time and, holding them up to Harrison, pressed them, for they all made an appealing noise of some kind: the small toy dog barked, the bird tweeted and the clown laughed. Seeing the familiar toys and hearing their welcome sounds in an unfamiliar place reassured Harrison. He soon forgot his disquiet and began smiling at the toys and then at Rihanna. ‘There we go,’ I said, transferring Harrison from my arms into her arms. ‘A happy baby. His dinner, nappies and everything else you might need are in the bag.’
‘Thank you so much, Cathy,’ Rihanna said gratefully. ‘See you later.’
And I left Harrison happily in his mother’s arms.
But when I returned at 5.30 it was a very different matter. I heard Harrison sobbing as soon as I walked into reception. So did Adrian and Paula.
‘Isn’t that Harrison crying?’ Adrian asked, concerned.
‘It could be,’ I said. ‘You two wait here and look at the books while I go through.’
Once again, leaving Adrian and Paula in reception, I went down the corridor and towards the Blue Room. Harrison’s cries grew louder the closer I got. The door to the Blue Room was closed and I knocked, but I doubted they could hear over the noise Harrison was making. I knocked again and went in. Rihanna was standing in the centre of the room with Harrison in her arms, pacing up and down and trying to pacify him. And while the room wasn’t in the chaos it had been on Tuesday, I took no comfort from this, for clearly Harrison was very upset and had been crying for some time. His cheeks were hot and wet and his eyes red. As soon as Rihanna saw me she came over.
‘He wants you,’ she said, ‘not me. He won’t stop crying.’ She placed him in my arms.
‘Why didn’t you phone me?’ I asked, concerned that Harrison had been crying for so long.
‘I have to do this myself if there’s any chance of me having Harrison back,’ Rihanna said, close to tears, and glancing at the supervisor. ‘You won’t be there if he’s living with me. I have to learn to look after him myself.’
‘But this is only the second session here,’ I said. ‘He’s not used to you yet. It will take time.’ Harrison had stopped crying now and was smiling at his mother and me.
‘How long do you think it will take for him to get used to me?’ Rihanna asked mournfully.
I didn’t know, but I was sure this wasn’t the way to go about mother and baby establishing a relationship. ‘I think we need to do this more gradually,’ I said. ‘So Harrison has time to get used to you here before I leave. Shall I ask Cheryl if I can stay for a while at the beginning of the next few sessions?’
‘Oh, yes please, will you?’ Rihanna asked gratefully, while the supervisor continued to write.
So that is what I did. Once Adrian and Paula were at school the following morning, I telephoned Jill and put forward my suggestion, strongly: ‘It’s ridiculous to leave Harrison with his mother in a strange room and expect her to just get on with it. The supervisor doesn’t help; she just sits there writing. Harrison was so upset yesterday his eyes were red and puffy. It’s cruel, and it’s undermining Rihanna’s confidence. I think it should be a gradual introduction, with me staying at the beginning – say for half an hour. Then when Harrison is used to the room and Rihanna I can gradually withdraw. There will still be time for the social services to do their assessment once he’s more settled with his mother.’
‘Absolutely,’ Jill said, with no objection. ‘It’s a wonder this wasn’t a planned introduction from the start. It would have been if it was adoptive parents Harrison was seeing. And given that Harrison doesn’t really know Rihanna the same should have applied. I’ll speak to Cheryl and get back to you.’
‘Thank you, Jill. It wasn’t only upsetting for Rihanna and Harrison, but Adrian, Paula and I found it very upsetting too. We hate seeing Harrison cry – he’s usually so happy.’
‘I understand,’ Jill said.
Jill phoned back later in the afternoon, having spoken to Cheryl, who’d spoken to the contact supervisor, who’d confirmed Harrison had been upset at contact and wouldn’t settle. Cheryl also said Rihanna had phoned her that morning and had asked if I could stay at the start of some of the sessions. Cheryl now agreed this was the best way forward.
‘Cheryl said she’ll leave the exact details of the timescale to you and Rihanna to decide,’ Jill added. ‘Can you phone Rihanna this evening?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘What will you do with Adrian and Paula while you’re with Rihanna and Harrison?’ Jill asked.
‘I’m not sure yet. I’ll sort something out.’
‘Let me know if you need the agency to provide a sitter.’
‘Thanks, Jill. I will.’
Once the children were in bed that evening I telephoned Rihanna, who was expecting my call. She already sounded more relaxed now that she knew we would be doing a gradual introduction, and was again looking forward to seeing Harrison, although she remained concerned that Harrison would remember their ‘bad start’, as she called it, and it could affect their relationship.
‘Forget all that,’ I said. ‘This is a new start and Harrison will soon forget he was upset. I won’t leave the two of you alone until he is happily settled, OK?’
‘OK,’ Rihanna said, slightly reassured.
‘This is what I suggest we do,’ I continued, ‘but we can adjust it as necessary – depending on how quickly Harrison settles. I thought I’d stay in the contact room for half an hour at the next session. That should give Harrison enough time to feel reasonably secure and settled. Assuming he’s happy, I’ll slip out of the room, but I’ll stay in the building. If he becomes fractious or cries and you can’t settle him, phone or text me, and I’ll reappear in the room. I won’t rush in and take him from you; I’ll just wander in and look at some pictures or a magazine. Having me present – a familiar person – will reassure him. Then once he’s happy again, I’ll slip out, but I’ll stay in the building in case I’m needed again. We’ll do this for as long as is necessary, all the while gradually reducing the time I spend in the room. My guess is that in a couple of weeks you two won’t need me there at all. What do you think, Rihanna?’
There was silence for a moment. I thought she was going to object to my suggestion, perhaps feeling it was too intrusive, or perhaps having decided she needed to do it all alone. But when she spoke I realized it was emotion that had stopped her from speaking and that she was probably crying on the other end of the phone.
‘Oh, Cathy,’ she said, her voice faint and uneven. ‘Thank you so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love Harrison and I want him desperately, but I feel under so much pressure to prove myself. You’ve given me confidence. I’m sure I can do this with your help.’
I too swallowed hard. ‘You’ll be fine,’ I said. And I desperately hoped she would be.
We began the new arrangement at the next contact – on Tuesday the following week. I stayed in the contact room for about half an hour and once Harrison was ignoring me and playing happily with Rihanna I quietly sl
ipped out. I went to the waiting room, where Adrian and Paula were amusing themselves with games and puzzles provided by the centre. When I’d explained to them what I planned to do to help Harrison see Rihanna I’d given them the choice of going to a friend’s house while I was at contact, going home where Jill would provide a sitter or coming with me. They’d opted to come with me, so they waited at the family centre for the whole one and a half hours, although with all the games and puzzles the time passed quickly and they quite enjoyed themselves.
During the first contact Rihanna texted me three times to ask me to return to the room. Each time I slipped in quietly and stayed in the background, wandering around the room and looking at the pictures until Harrison settled. During the second contact she texted me twice; on the third occasion it was only once, when Harrison appeared to be running a temperature (we later discovered his first tooth was coming through). From then on Rihanna didn’t need me at all, although I stayed in the building for two more sessions just to make sure.
Although Adrian and Paula didn’t complain about being in the family centre rather than at home watching their favourite television programmes, I was aware how disruptive the month had been for them. I was also aware that we would be doing something similar with adoptive parents if Harrison wasn’t returned to Rihanna but went instead for adoption; nothing had been decided yet. I knew there was a lot going on ‘behind the scenes’ during this time that would allow the social services to make their decision; Rihanna had mentioned at the start of one contact that her parents had been visited by a social worker, but she didn’t elaborate. I knew Jill would tell me anything I needed to know and that as soon as a decision on Harrison’s future had been made she would inform me. In the meantime I continued with the routine of school and contact, and I was still visiting the clinic every week to have Harrison weighed. I told Rihanna at contact of Harrison’s progress as well as entering his weight gain in the red book.
At one contact I introduced Adrian and Paula to Rihanna, for she had never met them. At the end of February, Rihanna agreed there was no need for me to stay in the family centre and that I should go home and she would phone if she needed to. She didn’t phone for she had now established a relationship with Harrison and had gained the confidence to look after him and to allow him to put his trust in her.
Harrison grew a second tooth at the front at the bottom, and at the beginning of March he began to crawl. He’d been getting into the crawling position for some weeks but had kept collapsing when he’d tried to move forward. Then one Sunday he suddenly mastered the skill and took off, scampering crab-like across the floor and laughing, very pleased with himself, as we were. Crawling is a wonderful developmental milestone and opens up a whole new world for a small child, but it also meant that at home we had to be even more watchful. Now he was no longer content to sit on the playmat or in his bouncing cradle: he wanted to explore everything, and I mean everything! I fixed the stairgate into position, covered the plug sockets and moved the potted plants out of reach. I texted Rihanna that Sunday and told her Harrison was crawling, so at the next contact she was waiting excitedly to see him doing it for herself. As I set him on the floor he was off, and I saw Rihanna’s eyes mist. She was so proud of him; it was just a pity she hadn’t been there to see him on Sunday when it had happened for the first time.
Now eight months old, Harrison understood a lot of what was said to him and had begun forming his first words, one of which was Mama, which he used for Rihanna and me. He also said car, cat and bye bye so sweetly it made you want to cry. During this time I saw the bond between Rihanna and Harrison develop to the point where Harrison was reluctant to leave at the end of contact. This was good progress as long as the social services decided that he should live with his mother; otherwise it would have all been for nothing, and Rihanna and Harrison would both suffer dreadfully if they never saw each other again.
I kept my log notes up to date, and halfway through March Cheryl phoned and asked if I could send in a brief report on Harrison’s recent progress, and how he was after contact, so that she could include this information in her final report. That evening, referring to my log notes, I typed the update on Harrison’s progress and then wrote that Harrison was always pleased to see his mother, enjoyed the time he spent with her and had recently become reluctant to leave her. I knew that as Cheryl was writing her final report the decision on Harrison’s future wasn’t far away, and I sincerely hoped it was the right one, which in my opinion was that Harrison should be returned to his mother.
A week passed and then when I answered the phone one day Jill said, ‘Cheryl has just phoned. The social services have made their decision.’ My heart started thumping wildly in my chest before Jill said: ‘I think you’ll be pleased to know that Harrison is to be returned to Rihanna to live.’
‘Thank goodness,’ I said, finally allowing myself to breathe.
‘Cheryl still has some concerns about the extended family,’ Jill added. ‘But not enough to stop Harrison from going to live with his mother. Cheryl is going to phone you later with the proposed timetable for the move. She wants Harrison to spend time at Rihanna’s flat first, starting with an hour and then rising to an overnight, with a move in two weeks’ time.’
‘Two weeks,’ I repeated. ‘That’s not far ahead.’
‘No, but Rihanna has already established a relationship with Harrison over the last three months at the family centre. Cheryl doesn’t want to drag the introduction on any longer than is necessary.’
‘I understand,’ I said.
‘You’ll have to start preparing Adrian and Paula for Harrison leaving,’ Jill said pointedly.
‘Yes, I know.’
‘Well, thanks, Cathy. I’ll be in touch,’ Jill wound up the conversation, aware I needed time to adjust. For while I was very pleased Harrison would be going to his mother, Adrian, Paula and I would miss him dreadfully, and so too would my parents.
I’d taken Jill’s telephone call in the sitting room. I was on the sofa and Harrison had been crawling on the floor. He was now at my feet, holding on to my leg and trying to pull himself up to a standing position, which he’d recently started doing. He was grinning, feeling very pleased with himself. I picked him up and balanced him in a standing position on my lap. I wrapped my arms around his little body and held him close. His soft cheek pressed against mine and his chubby little arms slipped round my neck. I rested my head lightly against his and closed my eyes. I could smell the warm scent of his body, hear his faint regular breath and feel the soft caress of his skin as it touched mine. There wouldn’t be many more times when I could hold and cuddle him. Soon he would be in his mother’s arms. And while Adrian, Paula and I had known right from the beginning that at some point Harrison would leave us, it didn’t help. We loved Harrison and that wouldn’t stop even after he’d gone.
A short while later Rihanna texted: Have you heard the good news? I texted back: Yes! Fantastic! Well done. I was grateful she couldn’t see my tears. When Cheryl phoned an hour later I’d recovered sufficiently to tell her I was pleased to hear the decision, and then I wrote down the proposed timetable of the move Cheryl now read out to me, a copy of which she said she’d put in the post.
It was Tuesday and contact at the family centre was to go ahead that night as usual, but that would be the last contact at the centre. On Wednesday I had to take Harrison to Rihanna’s flat for 10.30 a.m., the address of which Cheryl now gave me and I wrote down. Harrison and I would stay at the flat for an hour and then come home. Cheryl suggested I took some of Harrison’s favourite toys for him to play with, ones that could be left there. On Thursday we were to go again, this time for two hours; I was to stay for the first hour and then leave Harrison with Rihanna for the second hour. On Friday I was to leave him for the whole two hours. Cheryl said these two visits should coincide with lunchtime so that Harrison could get used to eating in his new home.
‘Do you want me to take his lunch with me?’ I asked.
br /> ‘No, Rihanna will be responsible for that now. She already has a good idea of what he likes from contact at the family centre, and she can ask you if she’s not sure.’
The arrangements were to continue over the weekend: on Saturday and Sunday I was to leave Harrison at Rihanna’s for three hours each day. Then if everything was going well, on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (of the following week) I was to take Harrison to Rihanna’s as soon as I’d dropped Adrian and Paula at school, and then collect him at four o’clock, after I’d collected the children. ‘It will be reassuring for Harrison to see your children in his new home,’ Cheryl said. ‘And it will be nice for them too.’
‘Yes,’ I said, not convinced, and wondering how Adrian and Paula would feel about this.
Cheryl finished detailing the timetable of the move by saying that on Thursday (of the following week) Harrison would sleep in his new home, and then Rihanna would bring him to me in her car on Friday to collect his belongings and say goodbye. ‘I’ve suggested Rihanna be with you at ten o’clock on the Friday. Can you pack Harrison’s belongings on the Thursday evening so he’s ready?’
‘Yes. Adrian and Paula will have to say goodbye on Thursday morning,’ I said, thinking aloud. ‘That will be the last time they see him if he’s sleeping at Rihanna’s on Thursday and moving while they’re at school on Friday.’
‘Yes,’ Cheryl said absently, preoccupied with checking the arrangements and making sure she hadn’t forgotten anything.
‘And Rihanna has a car seat, cot and high chair?’ I asked.
‘She will have by then,’ Cheryl said. ‘I’ll check she has everything she needs when I visit. I’m planning on visiting them at least twice during this introductory two-week period. I’d also like you and the children to visit a week after Harrison has left you. It will be reassuring for Harrison to see you, and for you and your children.’