CHAPTER IV. THE GANDER PULLING.
A cunning man is generally a suspicious one, and is as often led intoerror himself by his own misconceptions, as protected from imposition byhis habitual caution.
Mr. Slick, who always acted on a motive, and never on an impulse, andwho concealed his real objects behind ostensible ones, imagined thateverybody else was governed by the same principle of action; and,therefore, frequently deceived himself by attributing designs to othersthat never existed but in his own imagination.
Whether the following story of the gander pulling was a fancy sketch ofthe Attache, or a narrative of facts, _I_ had no means of ascertaining.Strange interviews and queer conversations he constantly had withofficial as well as private individuals, but as he often gave hisopinions the form of an anecdote, for the purpose of interesting hishearers, it was not always easy to decide whether his stories were factsor fictions.
If, on the present occasion, it was of the latter description, it ismanifest that he entertained no very high opinion of the constitutionalchanges effected in the government of the colonies by the Whigs,during their long and perilous rule. If of the former kind, it is tobe lamented that he concealed his deliberate convictions under anallegorical piece of humour. His disposition to "humbug" was so great,it was difficult to obtain a plain straightforward reply from him; buthad the Secretary of State put the question to him in direct terms, whathe thought of Lord Durham's "Responsible government," and thepractical working of it under Lord Sydenham's and Sir Charles Bagot'sadministration, he would have obtained a plain and intelligible answer.If the interview to which he alludes ever did take place, (which I ambound to add, is very doubtful, notwithstanding the minuteness withwhich it is detailed), it is deeply to be regretted that he was notaddressed in that frank manner which could alone elicit his realsentiments; for I know of no man so competent to offer an opinion onthese subjects as himself.
To govern England successfully, it is necessary to know the temper ofEnglishmen. Obvious as this appears to be, the frequent relinquishmentof government measures, by the dominant party, shows that their ownstatesmen are sometimes deficient in this knowledge.
Mr. Slick says, that if Sir James Graham had consulted him, _he_ couldhave shown him how to carry the educational clauses of his favouritebill This, perhaps, is rather an instance of Mr. Slick's vanity, than aproof of his sagacity. But if this species of information is not easy ofattainment here, even by natives, how difficult must it be to govern apeople three thousand miles off, who differ most materially in thought,word, and deed, from their official rulers.
Mr. Slick, when we had not met during the day, generally visited me atnight, about the time I usually returned from a dinner-party, and amusedme by a recital of his adventures.
"Squire," said he, "I have had a most curious capur to-day, and one thatwill interest you, I guess. Jist as I was a settin' down to breakfastthis mornin', and was a turnin' of an egg inside out into a wine-glass,to salt, pepper and batter it for Red-lane Alley, I received a note froma Mister Pen, saying the Right Honourable Mr. Tact would be glad, if itwas convenient, if I would call down to his office, to Downin' Street,to-day, at four o'clock. Thinks says I to myself, 'What's to pay now? Isit the Boundary Line, or Creole Case, or Colonial Trade, or the Burnin'of the Caroline, or Right o' Sarch? or what national subject is on thecarpet to-day? Howsundever,' sais I, 'let the charge be what it will,slugs, rifle-bullets, or powder, go I must, that's a fact.' So I tipshim a shot right off; here's the draft, Sir; it's in reg'lar statelingo.
"Sir,
"I have the high honour to acknowledge the receipt of your letter of this present first of June instant and note its contents. The conference (subject unknown), proffered by the Right Honourable Mr. Tact, I accede to hereby protesting and resarving all rights of conformation and reniggin' of our Extraordinary Embassador, now absent from London, at the great agricultural meetin'. I would suggest, next time, it would better convene to business, to insart subject of discussion, to prevent being taken at a short.
"I have to assure you of the high consideration of your most obedient servant to command.
"THE HON. SAM SLICK,
"Attache".
"Well, when the time comes, I rigs up, puts on the legation coat, callsa cab, and downs to Downing Street, and looks as dignified as I cleverlyknew how.
"When I enters the outer door, I sees a man in an arm-chair in theentry, and he looked like a buster, I tell you, jist ready to blow upwith the steam of all the secrets he had in his byler.
"'Can I see Mr. Tact?' sais I.
"'Tell you directly,' sais he, jist short like; for Englishmen arekinder costive of words; they don't use more nor will do, at no time;and he rings a bell. This brings in his second in command; and sais he,'Pray walk in here, if you please, Sir,' and he led me into a littleplain, stage-coach-house lookin' room, with nothin' but a table and twoor three chairs in it; and says he, 'Who shall I say, Sir?'
"'The Honourable Mr. Slick,' sais I, 'Attache of the American Legationto the court of Saint Jimses' Victoria.'
"Off he sot; and there I waited and waited for ever so long, but hedidn't come back. Well, I walked to the winder and looked out, but therewas nothin' to see there; and then I turned and looked at a great bigmap on the wall, and there was nothin' I didn't know there; and thenI took out my pen-knife to whittle, but my nails was all whittled offalready, except one, and that was made into a pen, and I didn't like tospile that; and as there wasn't any thing I could get hold of, I jistslivered a great big bit off the leg of the chair, and began to makea toothpick of it. And when I had got that finished, I begins to gettired; for nothin' makes me so peskilly oneasy as to be kept waitin';for if a Clockmaker don't know the valy of time, who the plague does?
"So jist to pass it away, I began to hum 'Jim Brown.' Did you ever hearit, Squire? it's a'most a beautiful air, as most all them niggersongs are. I'll make you a varse, that will suit a despisable colonistexactly.
"I went up to London, the capital of the nation, To see Lord Stanley, and get a sitivation. Says he to me, 'Sam Slick, what can you do?' Says I, 'Lord Stanley, jist as much as you. Liberate the rebels, and 'mancipate the niggers. Hurror for our side, and damn thimble-riggers.
"Airth and seas! If you was to sing that 'ere song there, how it wouldmake 'em stare; wouldn't it? Such words as them was never heerd in thatpatronage office, I guess; and yet folks must have often thort it too;that's a fact.
"I was a hummin' the rael 'Jim Brown,' and got as far as:
Play upon the banjo, play upon the fiddle, Walk about the town, and abuse old Biddle,
when I stopped right in the middle of it, for it kinder sorter struck itme warn't dignified to be a singin' of nigger-catches that way. So saysI to myself, 'This ain't respectful to our great nation to keep a highfunctionary a waitin' arter this fashion, is it? Guess I'd better assartthe honour of our republic by goin' away; and let him see that it warn'tme that was his lackey last year.'
"Well, jist as I had taken the sleeve of my coat and given my hat arub over with it, (a good hat will carry off an old suit of clothes anytime, but a new suit of clothes will never carry off an old hat, so Ilikes to keep my hat in good order in a general way). Well, jist as Ihad done, in walks the porter's first leftenant; and sais he, 'Mr. Tactwill see you, Sir.'
"'He come plaguy near not seein' of me, then,' sais I; 'for I had jistcommenced makin' tracks as you come in. The next time he sends for me,tell him not to send till he is ready, will you? For it's a rule o' mineto tag arter no man.'
"The critter jist stopped short, and began to see whether that spelttreason or no. He never heerd freedom o' speech afore, that feller, Iguess, unless it was somebody a jawin' of him, up hill and down dale; sosais I, 'Lead off, my old 'coon, and I will foller you, and no mistake,if you blaze the line well.'
"So he led me up stairs, opened a door, and 'nounced me; and there wasMr. Tact, sittin' at a large table, all alone.
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"'How do you do, Mr. Slick,' says he. 'I am very glad to see you. Praybe seated.' He really was a very gentlemanlike man, was Squire Tact,that's a fact. Sorry I kept you waitin' so long,' sais he, 'but theTurkish Ambassador was here at the time, and I was compelled to waituntil he went. I sent for you, Sir, a-hem!' and he rubbed his handacrost his mouth, and looked' up at the cornish, and said, 'I sent foryou, Sir, ahem!'--(thinks I, I see now. All you will say for half anhour is only throw'd up for a brush fence, to lay down behind to takeaim through; and arter that, the first shot is the one that's aimed atthe bird), 'to explain to you about this African Slave Treaty,' said he.'Your government don't seem to comprehend me in reference to this Rightof Sarch. Lookin' a man in the face, to see he is the right man, andsarchin' his pockets, are two very different things. You take, don'tyou?'
"'I'm up to snuff, Sir,' sais I, 'and no mistake.' I know'd well enoughthat warn't what he sent for me for, by the way he humm'd and hawed whenhe began.
"'Taking up a trunk, as every hotel-keeper does and has a right todo, and examinin' the name on the brass plate to the eend on't, is onething; forcin' the lock and ransackin' the contents, is another. One isprecaution, the other is burglary.'
"'It tante burglary,' sais I, 'unless the lodger sleeps in his trunk.It's only--'
"'Well,' says he, a colourin' up, 'that's technical. I leave thesematters to my law officers.'
"I larnt that little matter of law from brother Eldad, the lawyer, butI guess I was wrong there. I don't think I had ought to have given himthat sly poke; but I didn't like his talkin' that way to me. Whenever afeller tries to pull the wool over your eyes, it's a sign he don't thinkhigh of your onderstandin'. It isn't complimental, that's a fact. 'Oneis a serious offence, I mean, sais he; 'the other is not. We don't wantto sarch; we only want to look a slaver in the face, and see whetherhe is a free and enlightened American or not. If he is, the _flag ofliberty_ protects him and _his slaves_; if he ain't, it don't protecthim, nor them nother.'
"Then he did a leadin' article on slavery, and a paragraph onnon-intervention, and spoke a little soft sawder about America, andwound up by askin' me if he had made himself onderstood.
"'Plain as a boot-jack,' sais I.
"When that was over, he took breath. He sot back on his chair, put oneleg over the other, and took a fresh departur' agin.
"'I have read your books, Mr. Slick,' said he, 'and read 'em, too, withgreat pleasure. You have been a great traveller in your day. You've beenround the world a'most, haven't you?'
"'Well,' sais I, 'I sharn't say I hante.'
"'What a deal of information a man of your observation must haveacquired.' (He is a gentlemanly man, that you may depend. I don't knowwhen I've see'd one so well mannered.)
"'Not so much, Sir, as you would suppose,' sais I.
"'Why how so?' sais he.
"'Why,' sais I, 'the first time a man goes round the world, he is plaguyskeered for fear of fallin' off the edge; the second time he gets usedto it, and larns a good deal.'
"'Fallin' off the edge!' sais he; 'what an original idea that is. That'sone of your best. I like your works for that they are original. We havenothin' but imitations now. Fallin' off the the edge, that's capital. Imust tell Peel that; for he is very fond of that sort of thing.'
"He was a very pretty spoken man, was Mr. Tact; he is quite thegentleman, that's a fact. I love to hear him talk; he is so veryperlite, and seems to take a likin' to me parsonally."
Few men are so open to flattery as Mr. Slick; and although "soft sawder"is one of the artifices he constantly uses in his intercourse withothers, he is often thrown off of his guard by it himself. How mucheasier it is to discover the weaknesses of others than to see our own!
But to resume the story.
"'You have been a good deal in the colonies, haven't you?' said he.
"'Considerable sum,' sais I. Now, sais I to myself, this is the raelobject he sent for me for; but I won't tell him nothin'. If he'd a upand askt me right off the reel, like a man, he'd a found me up to thenotch; but he thort to play me off. Now I'll sarve him out his own way;so here goes.
"'Your long acquaintance with the provinces, and familiar intercoursewith the people,' sais he, 'must have made you quite at home on allcolonial topics.'
"'I thought so once,' sais I; 'but I don't think so now no more, Sir.'
"'Why how is that?' sais he.
"'Why, Sir,' sais I, 'you can hold a book so near your eyes as not to beable to read a word of it; hold it off further, and get the right focus,and you can read beautiful. Now the right distance to see a colony, andknow all about it, is England. Three thousand miles is the right focusfor a political spy-glass. A man livin' here, and who never was out ofEngland, knows twice as much about the provinces as I do.'
"'Oh, you are joking,' sais he.
"Not a bit,' sais I. 'I find folks here that not only know every thingabout them countries, but have no doubts upon any matter, and ask noquestions; in fact, they not only know more than me, but more than thepeople themselves do, what they want. It's curious, but it's a fact. Acolonist is the most beautiful crittur in natur to try experiments on,you ever see; for he is so simple and good-natured he don't know nobetter; and so weak, he couldn't help himself if he did. There's greatfun in making these experiments, too. It puts me in mind of "GanderPulling;" you know what this is, don't you?'
"'No,' he said. 'I never heard of it. Is it an American sport?'
"'Yes,' sais I, 'it is; and the most excitin' thing, too, you ever see.'
"'You are a very droll man. Mr Slick,' said he, 'a very droll manindeed. In all your books there is a great deal of fun; but in allyour fun, there is a meanin'. Your jokes hit, and hit pretty hard, too,sometimes. They make a man think as well as laugh. But, describe thisGander Pulling.'
"'Well, I'll tell you how it is,' sais I. 'First and foremost, aring-road is formed, like a small race-course; then, two great longposts is fixed into the ground, one on each side of the road, and a ropemade fast by the eends to each post, leavin' the middle of the rope tohang loose in a curve. Well, then they take a gander and pick his neckas clean as a babby's, and then grease it most beautiful all the wayfrom the breast to the head, till it becomes as slippery as a soapedeel. Then they tie both his legs together with a strong piece of cord,of the size of a halyard, and hang him by the feet to the middle of theswingin' rope, with his head downward. All the youngsters, all round thecounty, come to see the sport, mounted a horseback.
"'Well, the owner of the goose goes round with his hat, and gets so mucha-piece in it from every one that enters for the "Pullin';" and when allhave entered, they bring their hosses in a line, one arter another; andat the words, 'Go ahead!' off they set, as hard as they can split; andas they pass under the goose, make a grab at him; and whoever carriesoff the head, wins.
"'Well, the goose dodges his head and flaps his wings, and swings aboutso, it ain't no easy matter to clutch his neck; and when you do, it's sogreasy, it slips right through the fingers, like, nothin'. Sometimes ittakes so long, that the hosses are fairly beat out, and can't scarcelyraise a gallop; and then a man stands by the post, with a heavy loadedwhip, to lash 'em on, so that they mayn't stand under the goose, whichain't fair. The whoopin', and hollerin', and screamin', and bettin',and excitement, beats all; there ain't hardly no sport equal to it. It'sgreat fun _to all except the poor goosey-gander_.
"'The game of colony government to Canady, for some years back, puts mein mind of that exactly. Colonist has had his heels put where his headused to be, this some time past. He has had his legs tied, and his neckproperly greased, I tell _you_; and the way every parliament man, andgovernor, and secretary, gallops round and round, one arter another, agrabbin' at poor colonist, ain't no matter. Every new one on 'em thatcomes, is confident he is a goin' to settle it; but it slips through hishand, and off he goes, properly larfed at.
"'They have pretty nearly fixed goosey colonist, though; he has got hisneck wrung several times; it's twisted all a
one side, his tongue hangsout, and he squeaks piteous, that's a fact. Another good grab or twowill put him out o' pain; and it's a pity it wouldn't, for no createdcritter can live long, turned wrong eend up, that way. But the sportwill last long arter that; for arter his neck is broke, it ain't no easymatter to get the head off; the cords that tie that on, are as thickas your finger. It's the greatest fun out there you ever see, _to allexcept poor goosey colonist_.
"'I've larfed ready to kill myself at it. Some o' these Englishers thatcome out, mounted for the sport, and expect a peerage as a reward forbringin' home the head and settlin' the business for colonist, do cutsuch figurs, it would make you split; and they are all so everlastin'consaited, they won't take no advice. The way they can't do it iscautionary. One gets throwed, another gets all covered with grease, athird loses his hat, a fourth gets run away with by his horse, a fifthsees he can't do it, makes some excuse, and leaves the ground afore thesport is over; and now and then, an unfortunate critter gets a hystethat breaks his own neck. There is only one on 'em that I have see'd outthere, that can do it right.
"It requires some experience, that's a fact. But let John Bull alone forthat; he is a critter that thinks he knows every thing; and if you toldhim he didn't, he wouldn't believe you, not he. He'd only pity yourignorance, and look dreadful sorry for you. Oh if you want to see highlife, come and see "a colonial gander pulling."
"'Tying up a goose, Sir, is no great harm,' sais I, 'seein' that a goosewas made to be killed, picked and devoured, and nothin' else. Tyin' upa colonist by the heels is another thing. I don't think it right; butI don't know nothin'; I've had the book too close to my eyes. Joe H--e,that never was there, can tell you twice as much as I can about thecolonies. The focus to see right, as I said afore, is three thousandmiles off.'
"'Well,' sais he, 'that's a capital illustration, Mr. Slick. There ismore in that than meets the ear. Don't tell me you don't know nothin'about the colonies; few men know so much as you do. I wish to heavensyou was a colonist,' sais he; 'if you were, I would offer you agovernment.'
"'I don't doubt it,' sais I; 'seein' that your department have advancedor rewarded so many colonists already.' But I don't think he heard thatshot, and I warn't sorry for it; for it's not right to be a pokin' itinto a perlite man, is it?
"'I must tell the Queen that story of _the Gander Pulling_,' sais he; 'Ilike it amazingly. It's a capital caricature. I'll send the idea to H.B. Pray name some day when you are disengaged; I hope you will give methe pleasure of dining with me. Will this day fortnight suit you?'
"'Thank you,' sais I, 'I shall have great pleasure.'
"He railly was a gentlemany man that. He was so good natured, and tookthe joke so well, I was kinder sorry I played it off on him. I hantesee'd no man to England I affection so much as Mr. Tact, I swear! Ibegin to think, arter all, it was the right of _sarchin' vessels_ hewanted to talk to me about, instead of _sarchin' me_, as I suspicioned.It don't do always _to look for motives, men often act without any_. Thenext time, if he axes me, I'll talk plain, and jist tell him what I_do_ think; but still, if he reads that riddle right, he may larn a gooddeal, too, from the story of "the Gander Pulling," mayn't he?"