CHAPTER IX. THROWING THE LAVENDER.
Mr. Slick's character, like that of many of his countrymen, is not soeasily understood as a person might suppose. We err more often than weare aware of, when we judge of others by ourselves. English touristshave all fallen into this mistake, in their, estimate of the Americans.They judge them by their own standard; they attribute effects to wrongcauses, forgetting that a different tone of feeling, produced by adifferent social and political state from their own, must naturallyproduce dissimilar results.
Any person reading the last sketch containing the account, given by Mr.Slick of the House of Commons, his opinion of his own abilities as aspeaker, and his aspiration after a seat in that body, for the purposeof "skinning," as he calls it, impertinent or stupid members, could notavoid coming to the conclusion that he was a conceited block-head; andthat if his countrymen talked in that absurd manner, they must be theweakest, and most vain-glorious people in the world.
That he is a vain man, cannot be denied--self-taught men are apt to beso every where; but those who understand the New England humour, willat once perceive, that he has spoken in his own name merely as apersonification, and that the whole passage means after all, whentransposed into that phraseology which an Englishman would use, verylittle more than this, that the House of Commons presented a noblefield for a man of abilities as a public speaker; but that in fact, itcontained very few such persons. We must not judge of words or phrases,when used by foreigners, by the sense we attribute to them, butendeavour to understand the meaning they attach to them themselves.
In Mexico, if you admire any thing, the proprietor immediately says,"Pray do me the honour to consider it yours, I shall be most happy, ifyou will permit me, to place it upon you, (if it be an ornament), or tosend it to your hotel," if it be of a different description. Allthis means in English, a present; in Mexican Spanish, a civil speech,purporting that the owner is gratified, that it meets the approbationof his visiter. A Frenchman, who heard this grandiloquent reply to hispraises of a horse, astonished his friend, by thanking him in termsequally amplified, accepting it, and riding it home.
Mr. Slick would be no less amazed, if understood literally. He has useda peculiar style; here again, a stranger would be in error, in supposingthe phraseology common to all Americans. It is peculiar only to acertain class of persons in a certain state of life, and in a particularsection of the States. Of this class, Mr. Slick is a specimen. I donot mean to say he is not a vain man, but merely that a portion only ofthat, which appears so to us, is vanity, and that the rest and by farthe greater portion too, is local or provincial peculiarity.
This explanation is due to the Americans, who have been grosslymisrepresented, and to the English, who have been egregiously deceived,by persons attempting to delineate character, who were utterly incapableof perceiving those minute lights and shades, without which, a portraitbecomes a contemptible daub, or at most a mere caricature.
"A droll scene that at the house o' represen_tatives_ last night," saidMr. Slick when we next met, "warn't it? A sort o' rookery, like thatat the Shropshire Squire's, where I spent the juicy day. What a darnedcau-cau-cawin' they keep, don't they? These members are jist like therooks, too, fond of old houses, old woods, old trees, and old harnts.And they are jist as proud, too, as they be. Cuss 'em, they won't visita new man, or new plantation. They are too aristocratic for that. Theyhave a circle of their own. Like the rooks, too, they are privileged toscour over the farmers' fields all round home, and play the very devil.
"And then a fellow can't hear himself speak for 'em; divide, divide,divide, question, question, question; cau, cau, cau, cau, cau, cau. Oh!we must go there again. I want you to see Peel, Stanley, Graham, Shiel,Russell, Macauley, Old Joe, and so on. These men are all upper crusthere. Fust of all, I want to hear your opinion of 'em. I take you to bea considerable of a good judge in these matters."
"No Bunkum, Mr. Slick."
"D---- that word Bunkum! If you say that 'ere agin, I won't say anothersyllable, so come now. Don't I know who you are? You know every mite,and morsel as well as I do, that you be a considerable of a judge ofthese critters, though you are nothin' but an outlandish colonist; andare an everlastin' sight better judge, too, if you come to that, thanthem that judge _you_. Cuss 'em, the state would be a nation sightbetter sarved, if one o' these old rooks was sent out to try trover fora goose, and larceny for an old hat, to Nova Scotia, and you was sentfor to take the ribbons o' the state coach here; hang me if it wouldn't.You know that, and feel your oats, too, as well as any one. So don't beso infarnal mealy-mouthed, with your mock modesty face, a turnin' upof the whites of your eyes as if you was a chokin', and savin' 'No_Bun-kum_, Mr. Slick.' Cuss that word Bunkum! I am sorry I ever told youthat are story, you will be for everlastinly a throwin' up of that are,to me now.
"Do you think if I warnted to soft sawder you, I'd take the white-washbrush to you, and slobber it, on, as a nigger wench does to a boardfence, or a kitchen wall to home, and put your eyes out with the lime?No, not I; but I could tickel you though, and have done it afore now,jist for practice, and you warn't a bit the wiser. Lord, I'd take acamel's-hair brush to you, knowin' how skittish and ticklesome you are,and do it so it would feel good. I'd make you feel kinder pleasant, Iknow, and you'd jist bend your face over to it, and take it as kindly asa gall does a whisper, when your lips keep jist a brushin' of the cheekwhile you are a talkin'. I wouldn't go to shock you by a doin' of itcoarse; you are too quick, and too knowin' for that. You should smellthe otter o' roses, and sniff, sniff it up your nostrils, and say toyourself, 'How nice that is, ain't it? Come, I like that, how sweetit stinks!' I wouldn't go for to dash scented water on your face, as ahired lady does on a winder to wash it, it would make you start back,take out your pocket-handkercher, and say, "Come, _Mister_ Slick, nononsense, if you please." I'd do it delicate, I know my man: I'd use alight touch, a soft brush, and a smooth oily rouge."
"Pardon me," I said, "you overrate your own powers, and over-estimatemy vanity. You are flattering yourself now, you can't flatter me, for Idetest it."
"Creation, man," said Mr. Slick, "I have done it now afore your face,these last five minutes, and you didn't know it. Well, if that don'tbang the bush. It's tarnation all over that. Tellin' you, you was soknowin', so shy if touched on the flanks; how difficult you was totake-in, bein' a sensible, knowin' man, what's that but soft sawder? Youswallowed it all. You took it off without winkin', and opened your mouthas wide as a young blind robbin does for another worm, and then downwent the Bunkum about making you a Secretary of State, which was rathera large bolus to swaller, without a draft; down, down it went, like agreased-wad through a smooth rifle bore; it did, upon my soul. Heavens!what a take in! what a splendid sleight-of-hand! I never did nothin'better in all my born days. I hope I may be shot, if I did. Ha! ha! ha!ain't it rich? Don't it cut six inches on the rib of clear shear, that.Oh! it's han_sum_, that's a fact."
"It's no use to talk about it, Mr. Slick," I replied; "I plead guilty.You took me in then. You touched a weak point. You insensibly flatteredmy vanity, by assenting to my self-sufficiency, in supposing I wasexempt from that universal frailty of human nature; you "_threw theLavender_" well."
"I did put the leake into you, Squire, that's a fact," said he; "but letme alone, I know what I am about; let me talk on, my own way. Swallerwhat you like, spit out what is too strong for you; but don't put adrag-chain on to me, when I am a doin' tall talkin', and set my wheelsas fast as pine stumps. You know me, and I know you. You know my speed,and I know your bottom don't throw back in the breetchin' for nothin'that way."
"Well, as I was a-sayin', I want you to see these great men, as theycall 'em. Let's weigh 'em, and measure 'em, and handle 'em, and thenprice 'em, and see what their market valy is. Don't consider 'em asTories, or Whigs, or Radicals; we hante got nothin' to do with none o'them; but consider 'em as statesmen. It's pot-luck with 'em all; takeyour fork as the pot biles up, jab it in, and fetch a feller up, seewhether he is
beef, pork or mutton; partridge, rabbit or lobster;what his name, grain and flavour is, and how you like him. Treat 'emindifferent, and treat 'em independent.
"I don't care a chaw o' tobacky for the whole on 'em; and none on 'emcare a pinch o' snuff for you or any Hortentort of a colonist that everwas or ever will be. Lord love you! if you was to write like Scott, andmap the human mind like Bacon, would it advance you a bit in prefarment?Not it. They have done enough for the colonists, they have turned 'emupside down, and given 'em responsible government? What more do therascals want? Do they ask to be made equal to us? No, look at theirsocial system, and their political system, and tell 'em your opinionlike a man. You have heard enough of their opinions of colonies, andsuffered enough from their erroneous ones too. You have had Durhamreports, and commissioners' reports, and parliament reports till yourstomach refuses any more on 'em. And what are they? a bundle of mistakesand misconceptions, from beginnin' to eend. They have travelled bystumblin', and have measured every thing by the length of their knee,as they fell on the ground, as a milliner measures lace, by the bendin'down of the forefinger--cuss 'em! Turn the tables on 'em. Report on_them_, measure _them_, but take care to keep your feet though, don't becaught trippin', don't make no mistakes.
"Then we'll go to the Lords' House--I don't mean to meetin' house,though we must go there too, and hear Me Neil and Chalmers, and themsort o' cattle; but I mean the house where the nobles meet, pick outthe big bugs, and see what sort o' stuff they are made of. Let's takeminister with us--he is a great judge of these things. I should like youto hear his opinion; he knows every thin' a'most, though the ways of theworld bother him a little sometimes; but for valyin' a man, or statingprinciples, or talkin' politics, there ain't no man equal to him,hardly. He is a book, that's a fact; it's all there what you want; allyou've got to do is to cut the leaves. Name the word in the index, he'llturn to the page, and give you day, date, and fact, for it. There is nomistake in him.
"That cussed provokin' visit of yours to Scotland will shove them thingsinto the next book, I'm afeered. But it don't signify nothin'; you can'tcram all into one, and we hante only broke the crust yet, and p'rhapsit's as well to look afore you leap too, or you might make as big a foolof yourself, as some of the Britishers have a-writin' about us and theprovinces. Oh yes, it's a great advantage havin' minister with you.He'll fell the big stiff trees for you; and I'm the boy for thesaplin's, I've got the eye and the stroke for them. They spring soconfoundedly under the axe, does second growth and underwood, it'sdangerous work, but I've got the sleight o' hand for that, and we'llmake a clean field of it.
"Then come and survey; take your compass and chain to the ground andmeasure, and lay that off--branch and bark the spars for snakin' off theground; cord up the fire-wood, tie up the hoop poles, and then burn offthe trash and rubbish. Do it workman-like. Take your time to it as ifyou was workin' by the day. Don't hurry, like job work; don't slobber itover, and leave half-burnt trees and logs strewed about the surface, butmake smack smooth work. Do that, Squire, do it well, and that is, onlyhalf as good as you can, if you choose, and then--"
"And then," said I, "I make no doubt you will have great pleasure '_inthrowin' the Lavender again_."