Autumn found Miles and Flo waiting for them by the carousel. Flo was waving madly and bouncing around happily.
He hugged Autumn in greeting and said, ‘Hey.’
‘This is Miles,’ she said to Willow. ‘And Flo.’
Willow couldn’t have exuded more reluctance if she’d tried.
‘I’m five!’ Flo said.
‘In your dreams, little lady,’ Miles said. ‘Tell Willow how old you really are.’
‘I’m three going on thirty-three,’ Flo obliged.
The scowl stayed in place, the hands firmly wedged in her pockets. Behind Willow’s back, Autumn raised her eyebrows apologetically at Miles. This looked as if it would be a long, difficult day. Still, she was spending time with her daughter and she was happy to give her all the attention that she needed. It was just going to be hard work for Miles and Flo and she’d cut them loose if this continued.
Poor Flo took in Willow’s Goth make-up and black clothes and seemed to regret her initial excitement and, instead, clung to Miles’s legs.
‘Hi, Willow,’ Miles said, amiably. ‘It’s lovely to meet you. We’ve heard so much about you. Haven’t we, Flo?’
Poor Florence looked as if she was about to burst into tears and Autumn was cross that Willow had scared the little girl and didn’t seem to care.
‘I thought we’d go for a coffee,’ Autumn said, biting down her irritation and trying to sound upbeat. ‘Chill out for a bit.’
‘Can I take Flo on the carousel first and then we’ll join you in a little while?’ Miles had obviously appreciated that they needed a little space together.
‘Sure. There’s a bar behind us that’s pretty cool,’ Autumn said. ‘We’ll be there when you’re ready. No rush.’
Miles nodded. ‘Carousel again, Princess?’ he asked Flo.
‘Yes. Carriage,’ she said. ‘Not horsey this time.’
The carousel stopped and Autumn laughed as she watched Miles squeeze himself into the princess carriage and settle Flo on the seat next to him. It looked as if it was killing Willow not to smile too.
‘She’s a lovely little girl,’ Autumn said.
‘Yeah? I was too at that age. But you wouldn’t know,’ Willow retorted.
‘Sorry,’ Autumn apologised. ‘That was thoughtless of me. Mary did show me photographs of you as a child. She said you were adorable.’
Willow grunted. ‘Bet she doesn’t say that now.’
‘Have you two had a row?’
She shrugged. ‘No more than usual.’
‘It’s perfectly normal to think that your parents are idiots when you’re a teenager. But there’ll come a time when you realise she’s only on your case because she loves you.’
‘But she’s not really my mum, is she? And neither are you, so don’t lecture me either.’
Whatever she said today, it was going to be wrong. ‘I understand that your world is changing,’ Autumn offered. ‘I want to try to make it better for you. Not worse.’
As the carousel started and Flo waved at them madly, they moved off towards the bar. It was a fun area in front of the elaborately decorated Spiegeltent, where the nightly shows were held. The seats were made of old cars from fairground waltzers and, at this time of day, it was pleasantly busy whereas, when the shows started later in the evening, the place would be heaving. Autumn ordered them both a cappuccino and a brownie while Willow found somewhere for them to sit.
When she came back with their coffees, she sat next to Willow in the car.
‘This is nice, isn’t it?’ she said, gesturing at their surroundings and resolutely ignoring the stony face of her daughter. ‘We could get tickets for something later on in the year, if there’s anything that takes your fancy. I’ll grab a programme while we’re here. There’s a lot to choose from – comedy, music, freak shows. All kinds of things.’
Willow spun towards her. ‘I don’t want to come and play happy families with you. This is rubbish. You don’t know who I am.’
‘I would like to,’ Autumn said calmly. ‘I want to spend time together getting to know each other.’
‘What if I don’t want to know you?’
‘I’d be devastated,’ she answered honestly. ‘It would be like losing you all over again.’
‘You didn’t seem to mind last time you walked away.’
Autumn leaned forward and gently cupped her daughter’s face in her hands. She looked into her eyes. ‘You can be as horrible as you like, Willow,’ she said softly. ‘I’m not going anywhere. Now that I’ve found you, I promise you with all of my heart that I’ll always be here for you.’
Willow’s lip was trembling.
‘Mary’s been your mum for fourteen years, I get that, and she’s done a fantastic job. Look at you: you’re beautiful, bold and feisty.’
The girl’s eyes filled with tears and she tried to blink them back.
‘But you are my blood, Willow. I’ve loved you since the day you were born and I will love you to my dying day. It’s my biggest delight that I’ve been able to see you again. I hardly dared to believe that day would come. You can’t even begin to imagine how much I feel for you. You are in my heart, my soul and always will be. Whatever happens, that will never change.’
Silent tears rolled down Willow’s face.
‘I know that I have to earn the right to be in your life and I want to do that. You can push me away as much as you like, but I’ll always be here for you. If you’re in a good mood or an evil one, I still love you. I love you more than life itself.’
She took her daughter in her arms and, despite some initial resistance, eventually Willow let herself be held while she sobbed. When the tears subsided, she pulled a tissue from her pocket and dabbed at her daughter’s face.
‘You’ve completely ruined your mascara,’ Autumn said. There were tracks of black down her cheeks. ‘You’ll frighten poor Florence even more now.’
Willow gave a watery laugh and wiped her face.
She saw Miles and Flo picking their way through the increasing crowd. ‘Here are the others. There’s lots to do here. If you’re up for it, we can even risk the Skyride.’ Autumn waved them over to where they were sitting. ‘Shall we start again and have a lovely day together?’
Her daughter nodded and Autumn kissed her cheek tenderly. ‘This is going to take a lot of working out,’ she said. ‘And I’m going to make mistakes and piss you off.’
Willow smiled at that.
‘But I’ll do my very best not to.’ She took Willow’s hand in hers and squeezed it. ‘You can trust me,’ Autumn said. ‘Today and always. I promise you that. I’ll do everything I can to prove it.’
‘OK.’
‘Now,’ Autumn said. ‘Shall we polish off this cake and go and have some fun?’
Willow risked a smile. ‘I’d like that.’
Chapter Forty-Three
Nadia stared out of the window of the call centre. Outside the sun was shining, women were starting to bring their summer dresses out of the wardrobe and there were a few businessmen in shirt sleeves. She, on the other hand, was in an air-conditioned office kept at a cool eighteen degrees so that none of the staff ever felt that delicious afternoon sleepy warmth. She pulled her cardigan around her shoulders and suppressed a shiver.
She took her next call. ‘Customer services. Nadia speaking. How can I help?’
The woman started to tell her what seemed like the hundredth tale of woe she’d heard today.
As Nadia jotted down the details, she thought of her time in Cumbria – walking on the fells, the magnificent waterfalls, the ice-cold tarns, the lovely tea rooms and, best of all, ending the day in James’s arms. She wondered what it was like there now and resisted the urge to Google the weather in Keswick, just to check. James would be out in the meadows or on the hills making sure that his sheep were all right. Maybe there’d be more lambs to look after. The children would be back in school. Penny would be collecting them each evening. Hmm. Last bit, not so good.
‘Do you think that’s acceptable?’ the woman said into her daydream.
‘I can understand why you’d feel like that,’ Nadia said to placate her. Sometimes she felt that whatever she said it didn’t matter. The customers – who were, generally, treated shabbily by her company – just wanted to shout at someone, anyone.
She and James had fallen back into the pattern of speaking to each other every evening since she’d returned home, but there was a special poignancy to their calls now as they both knew how much they were missing. He didn’t mention his proposal again or press her to give him an answer, but it was there dangling between them and she thought of little else. Oh, how she missed him.
On auto-pilot, she managed to resolve the issue for the woman and braced herself for the next call. Her own mobile tinged the arrival of a text and, though she wasn’t allowed to take personal calls at work, she took a quick look at the message.
It was from Anita. Come to dinner tonight. Mum and Dad will be here. It would be good for you to be together again. A xx
Her instinct was that meeting up with them like this was too rushed, too soon. She needed time to prepare herself, as she hadn’t seen her parents in years. On the other hand, there was no time like the present. She wasn’t doing anything else tonight – as usual – and, as it was school tomorrow for Lewis, they had the perfect excuse to leave early. Should she just bite the bullet and do it?
There was another call coming in that she needed to attend to and, before she could think better of it, she texted back to Anita. OK.
It was done. Now she only had a few hours to stress about her long-awaited reconciliation with her parents.
At six thirty she stood at the end of the drive at Anita’s house, filled with trepidation. It was all she could do not to turn straight round and rush back to the safety of her house. She knelt down and tried to smarten up her son. His coat was askew, one side of the collar of his polo shirt in, the other out. His hair wouldn’t stay tidy. It sprung up at all angles as if it had a life of its own. Sometimes he looked so much like his father. She ran a hand over his hair trying, once again, to smooth it down.
‘No more, Mummy,’ he complained, pushing her hand away.
‘I’m just trying to make sure that you look nice to meet Grandma and Grandpa,’ she said.
He frowned at her. ‘Who are they?’
‘This is my mummy and daddy.’
‘Oh.’
It felt awful that he didn’t really understand the concept of grandparents. The joy of having a fractured family. Toby’s parents had never enjoyed particularly robust good health, but they’d both gone rapidly downhill since their son had died. At first they’d tried to see a lot of Lewis and popped round regularly. However, if they were hoping to find comfort in their grandson, then they’d been terribly wrong. It seemed only to highlight that their own son was gone. His father was always grey with the pain of grief. At the end of each visit, Toby’s mother would end up in tears, which was dreadful for all of them. Now they’d sold up and moved back to Waterford, back to their roots and where their remaining relatives lived. She hadn’t really seen it coming, but Nadia thought there was relief all round that they didn’t have to go through the torture anymore.
Now they emailed her occasionally and had sent a Christmas card with a generous cheque in for Lewis, which was lovely. But that was hardly the same as having them around the corner. Soon, Lewis had begun to forget them so that when they called to talk to him, he had only a vague idea of who they were.
Her heart went out to her son. The relationship with grandparents could be so special, it was a shame he’d only briefly enjoyed that. Maybe she should make the effort to take him out to see Toby’s folks in Ireland.
It only threw into relief how important it was for this meeting to go well. For Lewis’s sake as much as hers.
‘Try to behave, sweetheart.’ Of course, he would. Lewis was a good boy, but it suddenly seemed crucial that they should like him. Part of her also wanted them to appreciate what they’d been missing for so many years.
With a deep and steadying breath, they headed up the drive to Anita’s house. There was a car that she didn’t know parked there and she assumed that her parents had already arrived. Nadia felt sick. Her palms were damp with fear and she was trembling inside.
Her hand reached out for the bell but, before she pressed it, she pulled herself up short. Why was she so nervous? She wasn’t a fearful little schoolgirl now, frightened of her father’s wrath. She was a grown woman who had successfully overcome tragedy in her life. She was a single parent doing a great job of bringing up her boy. There was no way that she should let the thought of this meeting reduce her to a gibbering wreck. She should remember the good times with her family. Her parents had been good people. They’d been strict, but kind. It was only when she’d gone against their wishes and had married Toby – a rather ordinary English boy, instead of some moneyed distant cousin she’d never met – that their relationship had gone wrong. After that, they had all become entrenched in their opposing views. Well, now they had a chance to put that right. Perhaps they’d mellowed over the years and had simply been waiting for the chance to be reconciled. Well, this was it.
She pressed the bell and within seconds Anita had rushed to the door. Her sister was giddy with excitement, clearly relishing her role as the family peacemaker. Nadia suppressed a sigh. If this all went well, then Anita would be crowing about it for years. But then, if it did go well, she’d have every right to.
Ushering in Lewis before her, Nadia stepped inside. She normally tried to avoid coming to Anita’s house as her relationship with her brother-in-law, Tarak, was never going to be easy.
As if reading her mind, Anita said, ‘Tarak’s working late this evening. Something at one of the shops has delayed him. He said he’d make it back if he could.’
Tarak and Nadia shared a mutual mistrust so, if she knew her brother-in-law, he’d stay away until he thought the coast was clear.
There was a wonderful smell of dinner cooking coming from the kitchen and it made Nadia realise that she hadn’t eaten since her sister’s phone call this morning.
‘I brought onion bhajis that I quickly made when I got home,’ Nadia said. ‘Not much of a contribution.’ She wished she’d thought to go into Chocolate Heaven to collect some cakes or a lovely selection of chocolates from Lucy. That would have been a better peace offering than onion bhajis, and she cursed her stupidity.
‘They’ll be so surprised to see you.’
‘What?’ Nadia hissed. ‘They do know I’m coming?’
‘Hmm. Not exactly,’ Anita admitted, wincing. ‘I thought it would be best this way.’
‘For who?’
‘I didn’t want them to worry,’ her sister said. ‘You would only have got all stressed about it if you’d known they weren’t aware you were coming.’
Rightly, too.
‘I did tell them we were having a guest,’ Anita added. ‘Who else would it be?’
‘Oh, Anita. You said you’d talked to them about me.’
‘It will be fine.’
‘I could kill you for this.’
‘Come on, let’s get it over with. Soon it will be just like old times and you’ll be thanking me.’
Nadia sighed, resignedly. What else was she to do? She could hardly cut and run now.
Holding Nadia’s hand and grinning, Anita pulled her into the living room. In turn she led Lewis who, perhaps sensing that all wasn’t well, dragged reluctantly behind her.
‘Mum, Dad!’ Anita sounded over-bright and false. ‘Look who’s here to see you.’
Her parents glanced up, smiling and then blanched with shock. The smiles froze on their faces and they both remained seated. No jumping up to take their long-lost daughter into their arms, Nadia noted.
‘Hello,’ Nadia said calmly, although her stomach was churning. ‘It’s good to see you both. You look well.’
The expression on her mother’s face made he
r look as if she’d chewed a wasp. Her father seemed to have shrunk so much in the years since she’d seen him that he was no longer the imposing character he had been.
Lewis clung to Nadia’s leg. ‘This is your grandma and grandpa that I told you about.’
‘He seems a fine boy,’ her daddy said.
‘Why so shy?’ That was her mother. ‘Is he a clingy child?’
‘He’s been through a lot,’ Nadia said tightly. ‘He’s always nervous with strangers.’
Their faces told her that they hadn’t missed the barb in her words. Anita fluttered about anxiously. ‘Tea, Nadia? Mum? Dad? More tea?’
This obviously wasn’t going as her sister had planned. And what had Nadia expected? Did she really think that they’d welcome her back with open arms? She’d hoped so, but looking at her parents she wondered whether too much time had passed for them ever to be able to get back to where they had once been. They’d been estranged for far too many years to be easy in each other’s company.
She could understand their reticence with her, but what about Lewis? He was innocent in all of this, yet this was their first meeting with their grandchild and they’d hardly rushed to embrace him.
‘Come and sit with us.’ Her father seemed to be softening the most. He patted the seat next to him. ‘It’s been a long time and you must have a lot to tell us.’
If she was honest, Nadia couldn’t think of a single thing she wanted to share with them. She perched nervously on the edge of the chair, Lewis still attached to her like a limpet. Her mother was scrutinising him with her unwavering, cool gaze and she wanted to protect her son from that.
‘Go and find your cousins,’ she said to her son. ‘I’ll shout for you when dinner is ready.’