We normally put our tree up on Christmas Eve and that's still ten days away.
Dad chuckles. "I feel like celebrating early this year."
Pushing Piper gently off of me, I swing my legs off my bed. Piper lays her head back down and closes her eyes. "Oh, yeah," I tease as I walk toward him. "What could you possibly have to celebrate?"
Dad's arm comes out, loops around my neck, and he pulls me in for a hug. His lips press against my head and he releases me. "Oh, let's see. My tumor is shrinking, I'm back home, and my daughter and her mutt are here with me. Life is just damn good."
Laughing, I loop my arm with his and we step into the short hallway that leads to the living room. "Yup, life is damn good."
Sort of.
I mean, my heart is still broken, but honestly, if I could have only one wish in the world, it would be for my dad to beat his cancer. I'd gladly sacrifice an eternal and lasting love for my dad's life. Just sucks I can't have it all.
When we step into the living room I eyeball the massive balsam fir with an amazing scent drifting off the flat, needlelike, and quite prickly leaves. "Geez, Dad...we're going to need to remove some of the furniture to fit that thing in here," I chastise him as I notice the top of the tree is actually bent over against the ceiling. "And buy more lights and ornaments, I think."
"I'm actually going to head out in a bit and do just that," he says with a quick pinch to my cheek. "Up for decorating it later?"
"Well, sure. I mean, no sense in having a naked tree in the house."
My dad chuckles and walks into the kitchen that sits adjacent. It's small with a tiny butcher-block island that still bears wear and tear from all of the baking and cooking my mom used to do before she died. It takes up too much space, but neither one of us can bear to part with it. I lean against the counter and watch as dad pulls out a pork roast he had thawing in the fridge.
"I suppose you expect me to cook that," I say with a pointed look.
"Nope," he says proudly. "I'm going to cook dinner tonight, and even thought about making cookies too, for dessert."
I arch an eyebrow at him. "Who are you and what have you done with my father?"
"Laugh all you want, missy, but truth is I'm bored out of my mind. If cooking keeps me occupied, you should be grateful."
"I'm worried about food poisoning," I say dryly as I open the fridge back up and pull out a bottle of water.
"Smart-ass," he retorts affectionately. "But I have a nefarious plan. I need to fatten you up before you take off to Columbus. You're not eating enough as it is."
I ignore that remark and twist the cap to take a sip, idly sliding my wool-sock-covered foot over the worn linoleum. "Are you sure you don't want to come with me? I'm sure I can get a larger apartment than the one I have reserved."
"Nope," he says surely and without hesitation. "This is my home and I'm staying. Sure you don't want to try to find a job here and stay with me instead?"
"Nope," I say, without as much surety but no less hesitation. "I like the Buckeye organization. It's a good move for me."
"You could apply for work with the Oilers," he suggests. "I'm sure Benny would take you on."
Benny is the general manager of the Oilers and a longtime friend of my dad's. That could be an option, except for the fact I'd rather any potential job go to my father. If his next MRI shows continued remission, I know without a doubt my dad will want to go back to work. I've tried to broach that subject with him, but he shut me down claiming, "I don't want to jinx my recovery. It's something I'll consider after the next MRI."
Luckily, we don't have to worry about finances for the immediate future. When I took Gray Brannon up on her offer to release me immediately from the Cold Fury, I was beyond surprised when I was given a severance check for ten thousand dollars. It was completely out of place and wholly inappropriate. I didn't deserve it, but I knew that it came down from Brian Brannon himself, who wanted to make sure my dad would not have any financial worries. His house payment and expenses would be more than covered when I deposited that amount in his bank account after a knock-down-drag-out fight with him about it. While I know I should have denied the gift, my need to make sure my dad was taken care of prevailed and I accepted the charity.
Besides, I wanted a clean, fresh start when I returned to Columbus. I'm more than feeling a burning need to start my life over again, because it's really the only way I can leave the heartbreak behind.
"Are you going to contact Todd when you return to Columbus?" my dad asks just as I'm taking another sip of water, and his question shocks me so much I immediately choke. After several hacking coughs and one slap to my back by my dad's meaty hand, I get myself under control.
"Why would you even ask that?" I ask on a gasp.
"I worry about you," he says with a shrug of his shoulders. "Todd would take care of you."
"I can take care of myself," I say firmly, still befuddled over this. My dad wasn't the biggest fan of Todd's. He was also just as heartbroken over the fact that Hawke and I didn't work out a second time, so I know he really doesn't want me with someone like Todd.
"I know you can, honey. I just want you to be happy, fall in love. I want grandbabies too."
A feeling of utter loneliness sweeps through me. I had been feeling all kinds of blue the last few weeks since I returned home and left Hawke behind, but a renewed sense of loss engulfs me as my dad painfully reminds me that none of those things--love, happiness, children--can exist for me without the one man that I want.
The one man that refused to let go of our dark past and embrace the potential of our future.
Fuck, he makes me angry as much as he depresses me. The man I love is still an asshole who wants to conveniently lay all the blame for our relationship's demise on my doorstep. I have never brought up the fact that he's the one that ultimately turned his back when he wouldn't respond to my calls or email. I should have thrown that in his face. I should have done it just to see the chagrin and shame that would have mollified me somewhat the last few days.
That's what I should have done, but honestly, it wouldn't have made me feel better. Just made Hawke feel shittier, so I let it go.
Again.
"Have you heard from him?" my dad asks quietly as he pulls a baking pan from the bottom cupboard.
My head jerks up in surprise. My dad and I haven't really talked about Hawke since we returned. I didn't hide the truth of what happened. I told him I laid my heart out there, but Hawke just wasn't in the same place that I was. I don't think my father necessarily agreed with the way I just gave up, but he understood how badly I was hurt and thus supported my decision to leave the Cold Fury.
"Well, have you?" he presses.
My face drops back down to the floor so I have time to blink away the threatening tears. "Nope. Not a word."
"Maybe you should reach out to him," he suggests gently. "I mean...you two didn't really talk much about it. You sort of made a unilateral decision to leave."
"It was the right decision," I protest angrily. "I can't be with someone I love who doesn't love me back."
My dad's lips press into a sympathetic smile. His eyes are sad for his daughter. "Yeah, I know. I just thought...well, I just thought you two were it for each other, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," I agree as I walk up to my dad. I place my hands on his shoulders and look him dead in the eye. "But I'll be okay. Given time, it will all be fine."
"Yoo-hoo," I hear called out from the front of the house as the front door opens.
"Back here, Avery," I call back. I can hear Piper jump from my bed, her nails clicking on the hardwood and then a distinctive oomph as I imagine Piper just jumped on Avery.
"Damn beast of a dog," Avery says affectionately, and then she's walking into the kitchen with Piper hot on her tail. While I don't question Piper's loyalty to me, there's no doubt she loves the woman who fed and cared for her the past few months.
"Hello, hello," Avery says as she pulls her coat and hat off,
throwing them on the butcher-block island. Her gloves follow, then she's giving me a quick hug before moving on to my dad. With her arms wrapped around him, she says, "How are you, my big teddy bear?"
Dad laughs, squeezes her back, and says, "Got a Christmas tree."
"So I saw," Avery says before shooting a wink at me. "It's so big you could build a tree house in it."
"We're having pork roast tonight if you want to come eat with us and help decorate," my dad offers.
"I can't," Avery says. "My parents invited us over for dinner tonight. Oliver and Nina too. My mom said she had a surprise for us, so you know I'm not about to pass that up."
"She probably just wants to give you her old china set or something," I remark dryly. Avery's mom and dad have decided to retire down to Florida after Christmas and they are unloading all of their personal effects on the kids.
"I'll take it," Avery says as she opens the refrigerator and roots around, coming out with a Diet Coke. "Rob and I only got enough of our china pattern as wedding presents to feed one and a half of us."
"Maybe I'll buy you a piece of china then for Christmas," my dad muses as he unwraps the pork roast.
"Don't you dare," Avery says aghast. "I much prefer jewelry."
I roll my eyes and dad laughs. "Duly noted, Av."
My dad opens the oven door and goes to put the roast in. I don't say a word, but Avery doesn't hold her tongue. "Dave...you know you have to preheat the oven first, right?"
My dad straightens and looks at her with confusion. "I was just going to turn it on now."
Avery clucks her tongue, steps forward, and removes the pan from his hands. "Dear, dear Dave...you poor noncooking fool. And you can't just put that in without seasoning. Let me show you how to do it."
"And with that," I say, taking my cue to make myself scarce, "I'm going to take Piper for a walk."
They both ignore me, Avery already reaching into the spice rack and giving a lecture to Dave on the proper way to prepare a roast.
Chapter 27
Hawke
"Dinner should be ready in about ten minutes," Oliver's mom, Carly, calls out from the kitchen. "We'll eat as soon as Avery, Rob, and Thomas get here."
The smell of Carly's poutine rapee tantalizes me and my stomach rumbles. It alone makes this hasty spur-of-the-moment trip to visit well worth the hassle.
"Come on, man," Oliver says as he gets up from the couch where we were both sipping on beers. His dad doesn't spare us a glance, preferring to watch TV stretched back in his recliner. Oliver's wife, Nina, who is very lovely and also a handful, is helping Carly in the kitchen. "I need a smoke."
I follow Oliver out the front door, both of us grabbing our coats from the rack in the entryway. We step out onto the stoop lit by a single yellow bulb and he lights up.
"Nasty habit, dude," I say as I flick my eyes to the cigarette.
"Yeah, so is scratching my balls, but you don't see me giving that up anytime soon, do you?" he says, and then proceeds to show me just such a move.
I laugh and shake my head, leaning back against the iron porch rail that trails down the steps. "What Nina sees in you is beyond me."
"It's true love," is all Oliver says as he takes another drag. Then he gives me a grin. "Dude...I can't believe you just showed up."
"I had some time," I say with a shrug. "And a visit with your parents is long overdue."
I really shouldn't have taken the time to come here. The Cold Fury just finished an afternoon game in Ottawa and we play Montreal day after next. That gave me a very small window of opportunity to hop a regional jet here so I could visit my old stomping grounds.
And perhaps a chance meeting with Vale?
Oh, who am I fucking kidding? As much as I want to visit with Oliver and the gang, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pulled here by Vale. I can barely seem to go two minutes without thinking about her. Obsessing about her.
Missing her.
So fucking much it almost makes me sick to my stomach.
Oliver nods and takes another drag, looking out over the yard. I hesitate a moment, then finally take a deep breath. Scratching my hand through my hair, I ask, "How is she?"
His head snaps my way and his eyebrows raise up in surprise. "Who? Vale?"
"Well who else?" I snap at him. "Of course Vale."
Oliver gives me an appraising smile, takes another drag, and exhales slowly. "I haven't seen her much. Avery sees her almost every day."
"And?" I prompt.
"And what?" he plays stupid, and I think he's enjoying this.
"How is she doing?" I grit out.
"Oh," Oliver says with mock sudden awareness. "You mean, is she dying of a broken heart? Or maybe you want to know if she's dating someone? I heard Jeff Conklin over at the hardware store was going to ask her out. He seemed a bit hesitant at first, but I told him to go for it. Vale's as single as they come, right?"
Jeff Conklin? You got to be fucking kidding me. That douche is nowhere good enough for the likes of Vale. We played hockey together for the Oilers but he was a hack. Got cut after the second year and stayed behind in Sydney trying to capitalize on his brief fame and glory with the team. Oliver told me he's been married and divorced twice since then.
"She'll say no," I say confidently, hoping beyond hope she'd say no to someone like him.
To anyone, really.
The thought of her with someone else...
Oliver shrugs his shoulders, takes another drag of his cigarette. His lips turn upward in an evil grin. "You're probably right. I mean, isn't her ex in Columbus? She'll probably go back to him."
The snarl that comes out of my mouth surprises me as much as the fact that my hands involuntarily tighten into firsts, feeling an uncanny need to punch Oliver. I know what he's doing...trying to goad me into something, but I'm just not sure what.
"What in the hell are you doing here?" I hear from behind me, and turn around to see Avery walking toward us, holding hands with an adorable little boy that is clearly her son, Thomas. A tall man with a buzzed haircut follows behind.
"Well, hello, Avery," I greet her mildly, no surprise over her snotty tone. I shoot a quick smile to the little boy, who looks up at me with wide eyes. I squat down so I'm not towering over him as he stares up at me from the bottom porch step. "And who are you?"
He flashes me a grin and says, "I'm Thomas. Who are you?"
"He's no one," Avery says as she walks up the steps with his hand still firmly gripped in hers. He stares at me as they brush past, Avery refusing to look at me. I stand back up, watching as Avery opens the storm door.
"That's rude, Av," Oliver chides as he flicks the cherry off the end of his cigarette into the surrounding darkness.
Avery's husband walks up the steps, sticks his hand out to me. "I'm Rob. Nice to meet you."
"Hawke," I say as I shake his hand. He doesn't seem to hold any animosity toward me.
He nods, gives me a sympathetic smile, and moves past me to follow Avery into the house. The door shuts quietly behind them.
"Well, that could have been worse," I say as I lean back against the iron railing. When Carly said she was having everyone over for dinner, I figured Avery would be baring her teeth at me. I'm quite sure Vale filled her in on everything that went down between us, and I know based upon my last conversation with her at The Fox and Hound that she's got to be feeling some major disappointment in me.
The front door flies open again, and then Avery is barreling back outside. Oliver steps hastily back to avoid getting hit by the storm door.
"It's about to get worse," he mutters.
Avery walks right up to me and I stand up straighter, preparing myself for her rage. Better get it over with so we can move past this.
"You're such an asshole," she hisses at me. "A complete and utter fucking asshole."
"Avery," Oliver says in warning, but she spins on him.
"Shut it, Oliver. He needs to hear this."
I try for nonchalant indifference, bec
ause I know it will piss her off even more. I cross my arms over my chest, arch a skeptical eyebrow, and practically croon at her. "Tell me, Avery...just how do you figure me to be an asshole?"
I know the answer to this, of course, but I'm feeling the need to do battle. The truth is, I've been feeling guilty about the way things went down. I have this undeniable feeling that I've missed something important. That maybe my feelings were misguided, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. Perhaps she can give me some clarity through a good old-fashioned fight, because about the only thing I know for sure is that I miss Vale so fucking much and I don't see how to fix this.
Avery takes a deep breath, a concerted effort on her part to stay rational in the face of her anger. She lets it out in a quick huff and says, "Because you hold a double standard. Because you won't accept responsibility for your own failures. Because you want to blame Vale for your relationship ending all those years ago when it's just as much your fault."
I give a short bark of amused laughter. "That won't work on me, Avery. Vale and I cleared the air about that night. She told me what happened with the miscarriage. I was wrong for not leaving that party with her, but she was wrong in not giving me the opportunity to make it right. She didn't call me and just cut me out without a word of explanation. So forgive me if I can't quite let that go at this point. It's not something that's easy to forget and frankly, that's on Vale's shoulders. She should have given me time; we were working on things, but she didn't want to give me the time to catch up to her. She was able to let it go a lot easier than I was."
"Not only are you an asshole but you're a moron as well," she sneers.
"I'm not an asshole," I grit out. "I was truthful with Vale. I told her my feelings as they were, no sugar coating. That's not being an asshole. That's being honest."
Avery gives an amused, condescending laugh. "How about turning that honest spotlight on yourself for a minute, Hawke. Have you ever once considered that none of this shit would have ever happened had you just returned her calls. Or her fucking email, for God's sake. She may have made a terrible mistake in breaking up with you, but she tried to rectify it, and you're the one that turned your back on her at that point. It was so fucking childish for you to do that, I don't even see why Vale could just so easily forgive you for it and let it go herself. She's definitely the bigger person."