• • •
“Are you purposely losing?” I asked him, laughing.
“Sloane, when winning means getting you naked, you better believe I’m going to try my damnedest to win.” He ran his eyes over my T-shirt and jeans. “You could at least take off a sock to humor me.”
So I did, taking it off slowly and then tossing it across the room. James’s face changed then, the playfulness fading. “Sloane,” he whispered, laying down his cards. “I love you. You make me feel right.”
James crawled over the cards on the floor and stopped in front of me, his face close to mine, studying me. “I love the way you laugh. Cry. I love to make you smile.” He touched my cheek, and I grinned instinctively. “Make you moan.”
Butterflies fluttered in my stomach, and I reached to put my arms around his neck.
“Baby,” he continued, “I’m going to live the rest of my life with you, or die trying.”
“Don’t talk about dying,” I murmured, kissing softly at his lips.
“You’re the only person I can ever trust. You’re the only one who’ll ever know the real me.”
• • •
“I know James loved me,” I tell Dr. Warren as tears run down my cheeks. “Because I knew him better than anyone ever could. He always acted like nothing was wrong, that he was tough, but inside, Brady’s death tortured him. James hated his father for trying to keep us apart. He resented his mother for leaving when he was a kid. When we were alone, James could be vulnerable, and I loved him then most of all.” I wipe at my face and glare at Dr. Warren. “We were together because we loved each other. And that’s all there ever was.”
Dr. Warren nods slowly, not jotting anything down, just looking on as if she understands. Or maybe it’s fake like everything else. The room is liquidy around me, dreamlike.
“Take this,” she says, sliding me a black pill. It’s different from the usual yellow one I take, and all at once I’m seized with hope. She’s going to help me after all. A smile twitches my lips, and I lean lazily forward and take the pill, swallowing it gratefully. When I do, she exhales, setting her pen down.
“I’m sorry for all you’ve been through, Sloane,” she says like she means it. “You should take a moment to say good-bye.”
I furrow my brow. “Good-bye to who?”
“James.”
The floor seems to drop out from under me, and despite the drugs slowing my movements, I jump out of the chair. No. No. No. I quickly jam my finger down my throat, gagging as Dr. Warren tells me to stop and calls to the nurse. I have to throw up the pill before they can erase him. James.
But the minute I get the pill back up, the relief is short lived. Marilyn walks in with a needle, poised to strip it all away.
CHAPTER TWELVE
I’M SOBBING AS I STUMBLE FROM DR. WARREN’S office. She doesn’t bother to help me. Instead she tells me that it’s okay for me to cry. I swear at her and run my hand along the wall as I head toward the leisure room.
James. James. James. I know these are my last minutes to remember him, and I stop, letting myself slide down the wall to sit on the floor. I rest my head on my bent knees and hold on to what I can.
I see James, smiling broadly as he rakes his fingers through his wet hair. “Come on, Sloane,” he calls from the water. He’s shirtless, the sun glistening off his skin as he stands in the river. I sit on the grass and shake my head.
James walks out of the water, dripping, as he approaches me. He collapses on the blanket, the cool skin of his thigh pressed against my shorts. “One day,” he says, his eyes squinted against the sun, “I’m going to teach you how to swim. And then we’re going to the ocean.”
“Never.”
“Never?” James repeats, sounding amused. He pulls me down next to him and traps me in his arms. His skin is cold, but hot underneath. “Never?”
I giggle and shake my head.
“And what if I want to get married on the beach?” he asks. “You still say no?” He bites on his lip, leaning closer to me. “You’ll refuse to marry me?”
Tingles race over me, and not just because he’s close but because I’m overwhelmed with how much I love him. How he’s the other half of my heart. “I’ll never refuse you,” I whisper.
James smiles and then kisses me softly, trailing his mouth to my neck before returning to my lips again. “It’s me and you,” he says. “Madly in love until the end.”
And the words echo in my head as I collapse on my side in the hallway, drowning in my pain.
• • •
I feel something next to me, but my body is heavy and I can’t move. I try to turn, but my hands are locked at my side. My eyes fly open. A face looms over me, and I start to scream when his hand covers my mouth.
“Shh . . . Miss Barstow,” Roger whispers. “We wouldn’t want to draw attention to ourselves, would we?”
I twist my hands again and realize he has me in the restraints. I know I’m not completely helpless. I can bite down on his hand, scream out. But then what? They’ll restart me in The Program—making sure I don’t remember anything that I’m not supposed to.
I shake his hand off my mouth. “What do you want?”
He smiles, his eyes gliding over my body under the sheets. “I think you’d be a little too feisty to trust with any of my naked parts now,” he says. “So I’m not offering a trade anymore.”
I furrow my brow. “Then what?”
“I want Michael Realm out of here. But first, I want to watch him squirm.”
The vulnerability of my situation crashes down on me. “What are you going to do?”
Roger shrugs. “Michael is inappropriately fond of you, so I think this scene alone will be enough to push him over the edge, don’t you?” With a sickening smile, Roger leans over me, placing a kiss on my collarbone, smart enough to avoid getting close to my teeth. He runs his tongue along my skin. “It’s too bad,” he murmurs, kissing again. “We could have had a lot of fun.”
“Yeah,” I growl. “I would have enjoyed kneeing you again.”
Roger pulls back, examining my expression. “You think you’re in control?” he asks, his peppermint breath warm on my face. “Do you think you’re beating The Program?” He laughs softly. “Sloane,” he whispers. “You used to love someone. Do you remember?”
His words hit me harder than any slap. There’s a twist in my gut, a pain in my heart. Love? I . . . I did love someone, I think. It was . . .
Roger moves away with a satisfied grin. “I should go,” he says. “Michael should be out of therapy by now.” He starts to walk away, but then turns back. “Forgot.” Roger pulls a needle out his pocket and stabs me in the thigh. He covers my mouth as I cry out, but it’s only minutes before things start to get hazy. He pulls back the blanket to untie the drawstring of my pants and pulls up my shirt to expose my stomach, making it look like I’ve been struggling.
My head falls back against the pillow as he watches me carefully, waiting for me to pass out. I can feel the tears leak from the corner of my eyes and slide across my temples.
“Sorry I had to strap you down, Sloane,” he says. “But you were a danger to yourself.” He pats my shoulder consolingly and walks out.
• • •
There’s a soft slap against my cheek. “Sloane? Sweetness, wake up.” There’s another quick tap, and I open my eyes. “Oh, thank God,” Realm murmurs, moving to undo my restraints. “What happened?” he demands.
“Roger,” I choke out, my voice raspy. “He—”
Realm stops dead and stares at me. “Roger did this to you?” His breathing quickens as he covers me with the blanket, a deep flush on his cheeks.
“He didn’t,” I assure him, knowing he’s thinking the worse. “But he’s baiting you. He wants you gone.” Realm’s jaw is clenched so tight it sets his face in sharp, hard angles. He undoes the other strap and then rubs my wrist where it’s red as he sits on the edge of my bed.
“Sloane,” he begins quietly. “I??
?m going to be leaving for a few days, but you’ll be safe, okay? I will come back for you.”
I widen my eyes. “Wait, what?”
“I need you to be strong,” he says. “Just be strong until I get back.” He stands up, looking at me like he doesn’t want to leave. Then he says good-bye and walks out the door, shutting it behind him.
I’m still groggy, but I get out of bed anyway. The tile floor is ice-cold under my bare feet. I fumble with the door handle and just as I get it open, I see Realm stalking toward the nurse’s station. Roger’s poised there, laughing with the nurse. I’m about to yell for Realm to stop, but before I can, he cocks back his arm and decks Roger, sending him flying over the desk.
“Michael!” the nurse yells out. But Realm jumps over and grabs Roger by the neck, his fist pulled back to hit him again.
“Which arm?” Realm snarls.
Roger looks at him, his cheek already puffing out from where Realm’s fist connected. I lean against the door frame, barely able to stand.
“Don’t do this, Michael,” Roger says. “You’ll expose us all.”
Realm punches him hard in the face again, and I wince, sure that Roger’s nose is broken. The nurse is still screaming for them to stop, but she doesn’t dare intervene. Not when Realm looks so crazed.
“Which arm did you touch her with?” Realm demands, his face close to Roger’s bloodied one. And when the handler doesn’t answer, I watch as Realm grabs Roger’s right arm and yanks it so hard behind his back the snap is audible.
I stumble in the doorway and fall to my knees. Roger howls and Realm lets him go, backing away. Roger’s arm hangs at an odd angle below the elbow and I try to catch my breath, horrified by the sight. Just then security rounds the hall, and I’m afraid for Realm.
But instead of pulling out their Tasers, the guards skid to a stop in front of him. While one guard helps Roger to stand, the other takes hold of Realm, whispering something to him as he leads him in the other direction. And rather than fight, Realm seems calm—eerily calm even though he just broke a guy’s arm and is being hauled off by The Program to God knows where.
“Realm?” I call after him, the start of a cry in my voice. What are they going to do to him?
He looks over his shoulder then and his eyes widen when he sees me. But he doesn’t say anything. He just nods as if we have an agreement.
And then he lets security take him away.
• • •
I wait for Realm to come back. When I ask Nurse Kell she says she doesn’t know what will happen, a disapproving look on her face. I feel exposed and empty with my only friend gone. Roger had been right: I’m not in control of anything.
The first day without Realm, I see Roger in the hall with a security guard on his left. Roger’s right arm is in a cast. He has a bandage over his nose and has a black eye. A twisted satisfaction stretches over me. I watch him carry a box of his things, his career here clearly over. And since I haven’t been pulled into a meeting, it looks like my name stayed out of it. Realm really did find a way to get rid of him.
When he passes me, Roger pauses long enough to glance sideways at me. I don’t smile because the look in his eyes is pure hatred. It’s a look that says, “This isn’t over.”
I turn away, not acknowledging him, and halfway down the hall I see Tabitha standing in her doorway. When she catches my eyes, she nods—just like Realm did. As if we all have a secret pact I don’t know about. Maybe now that Roger’s gone, we’ll all sleep a little easier.
The day drags after that, and when I finally make it to dinner in the dining room, Derek and Shep are at my table. “Hey,” they say when I sit down.
“Hey.” I’m not used to talking to them without Realm around, and they look as lost as I feel. “Cards tonight?” I ask, hoping they’ll distract me from missing Realm.
“Naw,” Shep says, pushing away his hamburger. “I want to wait until Realm comes back.” His green eyes are sad, and I want to reach out and touch his hand, but I don’t.
I feel strange, as if I’m hollowed out somehow. I feel vulnerable and empty.
“So you know how he kicked the shit out of that handler?” Derek asks me. I nod, nervous about what will come next. “I heard some of the nurses talking, and they said Roger was dealing medication and Realm busted him. But then the handler said he’d hurt us if Realm turned him in.” He puffs up his chest. “Now obviously I can take care of myself. So I’m going to assume the threat was made on you. It explains why Realm went crazy on him.”
I shrug and poke at the salad on my plate.
“Anyway,” Derek continues, “Kell seems to think they’ll let Realm come back. But they fired Roger. Made him sign some confidentiality agreement with The Program. Can you believe that? He should be in jail.”
“They’d never jeopardize The Program,” I state. “We’re the cure, remember?”
When I look up they’re all staring at me like I’ve lost my mind, and I consider that maybe I have. Maybe this emptiness is where my heart used to be. I stand up, pushing away my tray and head into the leisure room, taking a seat by the window and staring out.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I’VE BEEN IN THE PROGRAM FOR FOUR WEEKS AND eight hours. Realm still isn’t back, but I haven’t given up hope. I don’t remember much of my past, but there is a sense that I was happy once. And it makes me think I could be again.
Tabitha and I are standing in front of the leisure room as she shows me her fingernails. As a reward for good behavior, they let her have some polish, and although her nails are still short, they’re now neon pink. She wiggles them admiringly.
“They look great,” I tell her, also noticing how she’s started to brush her hair.
“Thanks,” Tabitha says. “I leave in two weeks, can you believe it? I think they’re going to let me get my hair done, too. Dr. Warren thinks I’d look better with auburn instead of red. What do you think?”
I shrug. “I like it how it is.”
She smiles as if my compliment truly means a lot to her. But then she notices something behind me and her grin widens. “Sloane,” she says.
“What?”
“Loverboy is back.”
I turn quickly and see Realm walking toward us, his lemon-yellow scrubs freshly pressed. A weak sigh escapes from my lips as my whole body releases my fear. I run toward him and he holds out his arms for a hug.
“You’re okay,” I whisper in his ear the minute he swoops me up, my feet dangling over the floor. He smells like soap and laundry detergent, and I’m so happy I don’t think I can let him go.
“I’m okay,” he says, hugging me tight. When he sets me down, he waves to Tabitha and she giggles and walks away.
Realm then stares down into my face, his skin looking paler. “Did anything happen while I was gone?” he asks, putting his hands on my shoulders and massaging them softly.
“Roger was fired.”
Realm smiles and then hugs me again. “Told you he wouldn’t bother you again.” He rests his cheek on the top of my head. “You didn’t tell anyone about what he offered you, right?” he whispers quietly.
“No.”
“Good.”
“The boys won’t play cards without you,” I say, wanting to change the subject. “I think they miss you.”
“Did you miss me?”
And even though we’re hugging, even though I’m so glad to have him back, I feel strange about his question. “Of course,” I answer, because it’s the truth. I pull away and notice the bandage on his knuckles. When he sees me looking he holds it up. “Cut it on his tooth,” he says. “Two stitches.”
“He looked worse, believe me.”
Realm seems satisfied with this, takes my hand in his uninjured one, and leads us to the leisure room.
• • •
The card game is in full swing, and Realm and I have pretzels dangling from our mouths as we call out bullshit. Everyone is laughing.
“There’s no way you have diamonds,”
Shep yells at Derek. “I have them all, dude. Bullshit.”
It’s the closest thing you’ll ever get to a diamond from him. I blink. The voice in my head is not mine. It’s from somewhere else, and I see a purple heart-shaped ring with sparkles in it. I’m stuffing it in a mattress, but I don’t know why. Whose ring is that?
“Sloane,” Realm says, bumping my knee. “You okay?”
I nod, looking back at him, but not really seeing him. Inside I feel a pull—something yanking out my heart. I miss someone. I know it plainly, and yet I can’t conjure up a face. An image. It’s like an ache, a phantom pain for an appendage that’s no longer there. I don’t know what I’ve lost, where I’ve been. I think on it, and I don’t know if I had a boyfriend before The Program, if I’m even a virgin anymore. I’m a stranger to myself.
This thought makes tears spring to my eyes. I want to be me, and yet I’m not sure who I am. I cover my face, sobbing into my hands, and then Realm moves into the chair with me, wrapping his arms around me.
“Whoa,” I hear Shep say, sounding nervous. “What’s wrong with you, Sloane?”
“She’s fine,” Realm says quickly, rubbing my upper arm as I cry into his shoulder.
“Doesn’t look fine,” Shep answers.
I feel Realm tense, but then he sighs. “She just missed me a bunch, right, sweetness?” he says jokingly. “It must have been tragic sitting here with you guys for three days.”
They scoff, but I feel the tension leave the table. “Come on,” Realm says, helping me stand up. I’m too embarrassed to look at the guys, so I keep my face hidden against his shirt. “Game’s done for tonight.”
“Ah, man!” Derek yells, and I hear the smack of his cards on the table. Realm doesn’t respond, and leads me out into hall and toward his room. By the time we get there the tears have stopped, and I feel a little more in control, although still empty.
“Come hang out with me?” he asks. I nod and he smiles, sneaking me into his room.
• • •
I’m sitting in a chair by Realm’s bed as he lays out another round of solitaire. It’s past eleven, but no one has come to kick me out. It’s been three days since Realm came back, and night after night, I’ve been allowed to stay in here with him. It’s strange, and I’m not sure if I should be worried or grateful. It’s definitely better than being alone.