Several large vans were drawn up outside the bookies. Men in grey overalls were going in and coming out. They were going in empty-handed, but that wasn’t the way they were coming out.
‘Oh no!’ A breathless Pooley skidded to a halt, Omally hard upon his Blakey-sparking heels. A surly-looking gent in a dapper business suit, armed with a clipboard and pen, was supervising the goings-in and comings-out. He offered Pooley a brief and disparaging glance. ‘Do you work here?’ he asked.
Jim shook his head.
‘Then be off on your way, because I am.’
‘You what?’ Jim drew back his cuffs and knotted his fists. Omally held him back. ‘Where is the proprietor?’ he enquired.
‘Inside.’ The surly gent cast an eye over a rare potted lily that a grey-overalled minion was freighting from Bob’s shop. He ticked it off on his clipboard. ‘Rubber plant,’ he said. ‘Fiver.’ He waved the minion away to the yawning rear door of one of the vans.
‘What is going on here?’ Omally demanded.
‘Repossession. Oi, you!’ the surly one yelled across the road to where Leo Felix was cranking Bob’s latest Rolls- Royce up the back of his knackered tow truck. ‘Careful with the chrome-work, that car’s going to the auction.’
‘Come on.’ Omally thrust Jim through the open door and into the betting shop. Things didn’t look too promising in there. The grey-overalled lads were setting about the premises with a will. Prising pictures from the walls. Rolling up the lino.
Omally grabbed the nearest by his collar and swung him aloft. ‘Where is Bob the Bookie?’ he spat through seriously gritted teeth.
‘In there.’ The minion offered shaky thumbings towards Bob’s back office.
‘Thank you.’ Omally let him slide to the floor. ‘Follow me, Jim.’
The Irishman took the shop in two long strides and the office door from its hinges with a single well-aimed boot.
And then he stopped. Pooley stumbled forwards and peeped over his friend’s broad shoulder.
‘Oh dear,’ said he. ‘Oh dear, oh dear.’
The office was empty of furniture, fixtures and fittings. On the bare boards, in a corner, huddled a cowering, cringing, quaking wreck of a man. It was Bob the Bookie.
Omally gazed down at the human disaster area. He noted well the dishevelled hair, the stubbled chin, the torn shirt collar and the broken finger-nails. ‘Bob,’ said John. ‘Bob, what is happening here?’
The broken bookie turned up red-rimmed eyes to his uninvited guests. ‘Oh no!’ he wailed. ‘No no no.’
‘I like not the looks of this fellow,’ Jim whispered. ‘Let us collect the winnings and take our leave directly.’
‘No no no.’ The pitch of Bob’s voice soared to new heights of tragedy.
‘No?’ Omally glared down upon him.
‘No.’ Bob shook his head furiously. ‘All of the money. Gone. All gone.’
‘Gone?’
Pooley tried to say ‘gone’ also, but the word would not come.
‘Gone.’ Bob began to gibber. ‘All of it. I invested everything I had to cover your winnings. Put it all into The Kaleton Organization. Stocks and shares. A dead cert. It went public yesterday afternoon. Now this morning … gone. The Kaleton Organization has ceased to exist. I’m wiped out. Bankrupt.’
‘Bankrupt?’ Omally was across the room in a flash. And Bob was dragged from the floor and hoisted up the wall. ‘All of the money? Jim’s millions? You lost it all?’
‘All.’ Bob’s head went bob bob bob.
‘No.’ Omally gave it a smack. ‘Jim deserves his happy ever after. All he’s been through. All he’s suffered. You won’t deny him it.’
‘All gone,’ Bob burbled. ‘No money. All gone.’
‘Then you are all gone too.’ Omally’s eyes narrowed and his hands closed upon the throat of the banjoed bookie.
‘John, no.’ Pooley found his voice. It was a still small version of its normally robust self. But it was his none the less. ‘Let him go, John. Leave him be.’
‘Leave him be?’ Omally shook Bob all about. ‘But it’s not fair, Jim. You should win out this time. You should.’
Jim shook his head. ‘All that money. All those dreams. What can you say? Put him down, John. Put him down.’
‘Jim.’ Omally let the bookie sink back to the uncarpeted floor. ‘Oh, Jim.’
‘Let’s go.’ Pooley turned to take his leave. ‘There’s nothing for us here.’
‘But, Jim . . .’ Omally scowled down at the fallen bookie and prepared to put the boot in.
‘Leave him alone, John,’ said Jim, without looking back. ‘Let’s go.’
Omally threw up his hands. It was all too much.
‘Hold on, Pooley, don’t go.’ Bob raised himself on a besmutted elbow. ‘Wait. Don’t go.’
Jim turned in the doorway.
‘Pooley, I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.’
‘Forget it.’ Jim turned away once more.
‘No, wait.’ Bob struggled to his knees. ‘I want you to have something.’
Jim glanced over his shoulder. ‘If it’s a tip for the three-thirty, I’m no longer your man. I’ve given up betting.’
‘No, it’s this.’ Bob fumbled in his jacket. He brought out something shiny and exquisite-looking. ‘My new watch. It’s not worth a great deal, but I’d like you to have it.’
‘How much is it worth?’ Omally tore the thing from the outstretched hand.
‘A hundred at least.’
‘A hundred pounds?’
‘A hundred grand,’ said Bob. ‘I don’t wear cheap tat.’
‘A hundred thousand pounds?’ Pooley sank in the doorway.
‘Well, seventy-five at least.’
‘We’ll take it.’ Omally held up the consolation prize.
‘And call it all square?’
‘All square?’ Pooley found his feet.
‘The betting slip?’ Bob’s voice quivered plaintively.
‘Oh, that.’ Jim took the passport to paradise from his pocket and gazed at it sadly. And then, without a second thought, he tore the thing to shreds.
‘Seventy-five thousand pounds.’ Omally admired the watch on his wrist.
‘Hand it over.’ Said Jim.
Omally grudgingly handed it over. ‘I was only looking.’
‘Indeed you were.’ Pooley strapped his winnings to his own wrist.
They strolled up the Ealing Road en route to the Flying Swan. They had a certain spring in their step.
‘We’ve come out on top.’ Omally thrust out his chest and drew in great draughts of healthy Brentford air. ‘We have actually come out on top this time.’
‘Perhaps by proxy. Sort of.’
‘By proxy? What do you mean?’
‘I mean it’s owed.’ Pooley took a nimble sidestep as Omally leapt at him.
‘Owed?’ Omally floundered in the gutter.
‘Owed.’ Pooley helped him up. To Neville. I said I’d give him seventy-five thousand. He needs it to buy the Swan. The brewery are selling it. Sacking him.’
‘Sacking Neville?’ Omally took in the enormity of Jim’s words. ‘Sacking Neville?’
‘Kicking him out. Well, we can’t have that, can we?’ John shook his head freely. No, we certainly could not have that.
‘So I gave him an IOU,’ Pooley went on. ‘For seventy-five thousand. Handy this, eh?’ He tapped the wristlet watch. ‘What a happy ever after.’
‘A happy ever after?’ Omally sighed. Then he put his arm about the shoulder of his dearest chum. ‘You are a good man, Jim Pooley,’ said he. ‘And I’m proud to call you my very bestest friend.’
The two men approached the door of the Flying Swan.
Neither of them actually had the price of a pint in their pockets.
But for today at least, that was hardly going to matter.
And as to tomorrow?
Well, tomorrow is anyone’s bet.
Isn’t it?
THE END
Also by
>
ROBERT RANKIN
The Antipope
The Brentford Triangle
East of Ealing
The Sprouts of Wrath
Armageddon: The Musical
They Came and Ate Us
The Suburban Book of the Dead
The Book of Ultimate Truths
Raiders of the Lost Car Park
The Greatest Show Off Earth
The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived
The Garden of Unearthly Delights
A Dog Called Demolition
Nostradamus Ate My Hamster
Sprout Mask Replica
The Brentford Chainstore Massacre
The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag
Apocalypso
Snuff Fiction
Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls
Waiting for Godalming
Web Site Story
The Fandom of the Operator
The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse
The Witches of Chiswick
Knees Up Mother Earth
The Brightonomicon
The Toyminator
The Da-da-de-da-da Code
Necrophenia
Retromancer
The Japanese Devil Fish Girl and Other Unnatural Attractions
The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age
The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds
Illustrated works:
The Bumper Book of Ficts written by Neil Gardner
EMPIRES
E-book edition cover illustration by Robert Rankin
Art direction by Rachel Hayward
Table of Contents
Foreword
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Chapter the Last
Robert Rankin, The Sprouts of Wrath
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